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I didn’t want to go on the hike today, but I knew getting outside would lift my spirits.

I’ve been in the house for the last couple of days, overthinking my life, agonizing about death, thinking about my father’s hatred of me, and everything in between.

I think about how Autumn must feel after she came to my house on Thursday, rang the doorbell and knocked after I pretty much ended our relationship over the phone like a coward.

I suppose that’s who I am. I was right – she does deserve better than that.

“Hey, what’s up Judah? Where’s Autumn?” Moriah asks. They’re so used to seeing us together that, when I’m not with her, that’s the first question I get. “Is she not coming?”

“I’m not sure.”

“What do you mean you’re not sure? Y’all have been inseparable for weeks.”

I continue walking, avoiding her because what do I say exactly?

Moriah skips ahead to catch up to Luna. Meanwhile, I linger at the back until the rest of the crew are out of sight. I turn around to see that Autumn is a ways back. Looks like she decided to join us after all.

I’m glad she’s here although I’m not ready to face her. I knew I would have to at some point. I suppose it may as well be now.

I begin walking back toward Autumn. Her scent greets me before her icy gaze.

It has me recalling how close we’d become in just a short time.

We were good together, have the potential of being great together, but aren’t I doing the noble thing by releasing her to someone who can do it better?

Who would be around longer? Who’d check every box for what a woman like her deserves?

She stops walking to look at one of the small waterfalls, bracing herself for my presence.

I stand beside her, listening to the trickling sound of the water that should be therapeutic and relaxing, but it’s not.

The thumps of my heart are interfering with the tranquility.

The tension I feel from her end is doing the same.

My stomach is in knots.

My head hurts.

My heart hurts.

If I’m feeling these things, I can only imagine what she’s feeling. I part my lips to begin some sort of apology – something that could possibly get me back into her good graces, but she walks away from me, heading further up the trail.

“Autumn—”

“I’m trying to catch up to the others,” she says, holding onto the straps of her purple backpack. She’s walking fast, too – as fast as she can to get away from me.

“Autumn, please.”

I jog to catch up to her but even after I’ve caught her, I lose her again.

“Autumn—”

“What!” she asks frowning, but nonetheless, she stopped walking, turned around and now, she’s giving me her full attention.

“I don’t want this rift between us.”

“Then do something about it,” she tells me, sounding completely exasperated and frustrated.

I’ve read between the lines. I know what she means.

I hold the power to fix this and I am trying to fix it.

It’s just not in the way she likes. She wants to be with me.

I want to be with her, but I’d much rather this brilliant, beautiful woman be with a man who can give her all of her heart’s desires.

“I can’t do what you’re asking of me,” I respond.

“Then we have nothing else to talk about, Judah.”

She starts walking again.

I close my eyes tightly as if it’s going to help me get through this situation. I walk quickly to catch up to her and say, “I don’t want to hurt you, Autumn.”

Her frown deepens. Eyes spew darkness, indicative of the storm brewing in her mind and heart. “You don’t want to hurt me?”

“No, I don’t.”

“Judah, I stood on your front porch with food for fifteen minutes, knocking and ringing the doorbell because you broke up with me over the phone. I cooked dinner for you. Instead of coming to my home, you no-showed, called me to tell me you couldn’t be with me anymore, and now you’re standing here telling me you don’t want to hurt me?

Really? It’s a little too freakin’ late for that, don’t you think?

But that’s the crux of your problem, isn’t it?

You only think about yourself and what you want or don’t want. Screw everybody else.”

“That’s not true.”

“It is true. It’s one hundred percent true.” She quickly swipes away a tear before it travels down her face.

“Autumn, I’m sorry. I am. I take full responsibility for what you’re feeling. I should have never kissed you.”

“But you did.”

“I did,” I acknowledge, “But—”

“Why did you kiss me?”

“Because it felt right, but it wasn’t right. It—”

She shakes her head and says, “I love you, Judah. I can’t be friends with you feeling the way that I feel. I can’t. That’s what you’re asking me to do, and the answer is no. Please just—just leave me alone. That’s the best thing you can do for me.”

I watch her head up the hill, seeking the others.

“You have no life with me,” I mutter, wishing she’d understand what I know to be true.

In a way, I think she does, but she’s letting her heart guide her – not her mind.

Not common sense because common sense says don’t get involved with someone who’s dying.

Her heart defies that logic. Yes, I am doing her a favor, no matter how much it hurts the both of us.