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It’s been almost three weeks since the argument I had with my father, and in that time of having nothing to do since he fired me, I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching.

I’m thirty-one years old. I was diagnosed with brain cancer at twenty-four.

What have I done with my life since then?

In seven years? Not much of anything. I’ve just been coasting along, living below my potential, but is that really living?

The truth is, I’m afraid to live. Afraid of what life and this disease will do to me and the people I love.

Living a quiet, uneventful life is the best way to go as far as I’m concerned.

That’s what I was trying to do. What I’ve been excelling at until I met Autumn.

She made me break the monotony of my life.

Made me question things I’m not ready to face.

Made me see that there is something inside of me that’s not satisfied with bagging groceries no matter how much effort I put into it.

I’m better than this.

I know it and everybody around me knows it, especially my father. He's tried for years to get me out of my own way and nothing ever clicked. So, what’s different this time? It’s not the fact that he fired me. It’s not his latest rant about the things he hates about my life.

It’s her.

Autumn.

She loves me. I love her, too, though I’ve never told her. It’s those feelings I have for her that make me want to do things differently. It’s the way she goes out of her way for me. The way she smiles. She brings that missing puzzle piece into my life. What do I bring to hers?

Seeing her cry at the park, the way the tears ran down her face was worse than going through chemo.

My illness isn’t because of what someone did to me.

It just happened. Her tears are a direct result of my actions.

I caused her pain, and that’s something I can’t get over.

I know I need to do something about it because I—I need her in my life even when I know she needs something different.

How can we coexist when I want her to have a life that I can’t give her and yet, I still want her?