Page 31 of Keep My Heart (The Haydon Falls #1)

Nick

I’ve been back in New York for four days and have never been more miserable in my entire life. I used to love this city. I loved the excitement of it, the opportunities it offered, the great museums, the great restaurants. I loved my apartment.

But when I got back here Monday, everything felt different.

The city seemed crowded and loud, my apartment felt cold and dark, and when I went to bed that night, I’d never felt more lonely.

I tried to ignore how I was feeling and focus on work, but that, too, felt different.

I didn’t even want to be there. I had hundreds of messages to follow up on after being gone for a day, and my boss yelled at me for being late to a meeting.

Then he piled more work on me, so much that I stayed in the office until midnight on Monday.

I was hoping to call Lyndsay that night, but I couldn’t because of work.

I tried to call her Tuesday, but she didn’t pick up.

Later, she sent me a text saying she was out having drinks with Diane.

Then on Wednesday I had to go to a dinner for work that went until late that night, so again, I couldn’t call Lyndsay.

If things continue like this, I can’t see Lyndsay and me staying in touch.

I told myself that wouldn’t happen, but I know it will.

It’s inevitable. Life gets busy, days go by, and soon it’s been weeks since you’ve talked to the person.

Even if we made a real effort to talk, our calls would end once Lyndsay finds someone else.

Her new boyfriend won’t want her talking to some other guy.

Why did I start something with her, knowing it could never turn into anything?

I never intended for that to happen. But from the moment I saw her, that brief encounter in the airport, all the feelings I had for her back in high school came rushing back.

And they just got stronger the more time I spent with her.

Now she’s all I can think about. I can’t concentrate at work. I go home to my empty apartment and wish she was there. I go to bed at night and imagine her beside me. I even have dreams about her, about us, and our future together. But there isn’t a future for us, so why can’t I let her go?

‘You going to open the door?’ Tim asks, sounding annoyed.

I wake from my thoughts and notice I’m standing in front of our office building, not moving, a Starbucks cup in my hand. I barely remember going there. Since getting back here, I feel like I’m just going through the motions, without any joy or meaning behind my actions.

‘Sorry,’ I say, opening the door.

We go into the building with its shiny white tile floors, people racing around with phones plastered to their ears.

I think back to being at the orchard last weekend, being out in the fields, the open space, the stillness, the only sounds being birds chirping overhead or the leaves rustling in the breeze.

It was calm. Peaceful. I didn’t have a boss yelling at me or a client demanding my attention or a slew of emails to return.

This is the life I chose, and I accept that, but it was nice to get away.

I’m realizing now that I need to do that more.

Like maybe this weekend. I know it’s crazy.

I was just there. But the reunion’s this weekend and Matt ran into Diane at the store and found out Lyndsay’s planning to go.

What if I showed up there and surprised her?

Would she be happy to see me or angry that I didn’t tell her?

What the hell am I thinking? I can’t do that.

I’d be leading her on, making her think I want something we both know we can’t have.

But I’m desperate to see her. I can’t take another moment of thinking about her without being able to see her or talk to her.

Maybe I need closure. Maybe our goodbye on Sunday just wasn’t enough.

It was too fast, too abrupt. Maybe if we’d talked more, stayed at the restaurant longer, or played another round of mini golf, our goodbye wouldn’t have seemed so unfinished and I’d be able to move on.

‘Nick?’

I look up and see Tim outside the elevator, staring at me because I’m still standing in it, not moving. I don’t even remember getting on it or going up to our floor.

‘What the hell’s wrong with you?’ he asks as we’re walking down the hall. ‘You’ve been like this all week.’

‘I don’t know. I’m just tired, I guess.’

I’m more than tired. I’m exhausted. It’s after five and I have six or seven more hours of work to do before I can leave. That’s why I went with Tim to get a coffee, but I don’t think even a double espresso will be able to keep me alert enough to get my work done.

‘What are you doing?’ I ask as Tim races in front of me, stopping me.

‘I need to show you something.’ He grins and nods toward the conference room. ‘It’s in there.’

‘What is it?’

‘Come on. I’ll show you.’ He starts heading to the conference room.

‘Tim, I don’t have time for this. I need to get back to work.’

‘Trust me, you have time for this. ’

Sighing, I follow him to the conference room. He opens the door and I see all the partners standing there, big smiles on their faces.

‘Nick.’ Sal, one of the partners, walks up to me. ‘Let me be the first to congratulate you on making partner.’

I’m shocked, thinking this is some kind of joke. I didn’t expect to make partner until the end of the year at the earliest.

‘Say something,’ Tim mutters, nudging me.

‘Thank you,’ I blurt out. ‘This is great. And a surprise. I wasn’t expecting this today.’

Sal smiles and pats my shoulder. ‘It’s well deserved. You’ve done a fine job since joining the firm. You’re a hard worker. Dedicated to your clients. We look forward to having you here for a very long time.’

A very long time. This is my future. Here at this firm.

It’s all planned out, and it’s exactly what I wanted.

I should be happy, jumping for fucking joy.

I worked my ass off for this. I sacrificed a personal life, a social life, and trips back home, all for this moment.

I achieved my goal. So why don’t I feel happy? Why am I not excited?

‘Congratulations,’ the other partners say as they politely smile and shake my hand on their way out of the conference room.

‘We’ll get all the paperwork settled up tomorrow,’ Sal says, smiling at me. ‘Why don’t you get out of here and celebrate?’

‘I’ve got too much work to do, but maybe this weekend.’

He nods. ‘Good to have you on board, Nick.’ He pats my shoulder before leaving.

‘You don’t want to go out?’ Tim asks. ‘What the fuck, man? You just made partner.’

‘I can’t leave. I have shit that needs to be done by the morning.’

‘So we’ll go get a drink and you can come back here later. ’

‘Sorry, but I’m going to have to pass. Maybe we could go out tomorrow.’

‘Can’t. Rach and I are going to a play, but maybe next week sometime.’ Rachel is his girlfriend. They’ve been living together for two years. ‘I need to get back to work, but let me know if you change your mind about that drink.’

We go back to our offices. I shut my door and sit at my desk, staring at my phone, wanting to call Lyndsay but not sure if I should. It’s Thursday and I haven’t talked to her all week. We keep missing each other and end up sending texts saying we’ll try to connect later, which never happens.

I want to call and tell her my news. She’s the first person I thought of calling when Sal said I made partner. I thought of Lyndsay even before my parents, or my brothers, or Matt. What does that say? That I miss her, or is it more than that?

Before I change my mind, I call her. The phone rings and rings and I almost hang up, not wanting to leave yet another message.

‘Hello?’

She actually answered. Shit. I’m not prepared.

I take a breath. ‘Hey, it’s me.’

‘Nick. Um, hey.’ She sounds as nervous as I do. Why are we nervous? We weren’t like this when we were together last weekend.

‘How are you doing?’

‘Fine. I’m over at Diane’s place. She had to run an errand so I’m watching the kids.’

‘Oh. Do you need to go?’

‘No, they’re fine. They’re in the other room watching a movie. I’m in the kitchen, but I can see them from here, so we’re good. So how are you?’

‘Busy. Work’s been crazy.’

‘Sounds like it’s always that way. ’

‘Yeah. Unfortunately.’

‘You sound tired.’

‘I am. I haven’t slept much this week.’

‘Because of work?’

‘Yeah,’ I lie, not wanting to tell her my lack of sleep is because I can’t stop thinking about her. ‘I’ve been staying late at the office.’

We’re both silent a moment.

‘So I have some news,’ I say, trying to sound excited.

Seriously, why am I not more excited about this? Am I in shock? Do I just need some time to let it sink in?

‘What is it?’ she asks.

‘I made partner. I just found out.’

‘Nick, that’s great! Congratulations!’

‘Thanks. It’s sooner than I thought. I was thinking it wouldn’t happen for a few months or maybe not until next year.’

‘Your parents must be thrilled! They’re so proud of you.’

‘My parents don’t know yet. You’re the first person I told.’

‘Really?’

‘Yeah. So anyway, I just wanted you to know.’

‘It’s really great, Nick. I’m proud of you.’

Just hearing her voice again makes my heart ache to be with her, to hold her in my arms, kiss her. God, I miss her. I miss her so fucking bad.

‘I should probably let you go,’ I say.

‘Oh. Yeah, okay. It was nice talking to you, Nick.’

‘You too.’ I pause. ‘Lyndsay, wait. Before you go .?.?.’

‘Yeah?’

‘Are you still planning on going to the reunion?’

‘I am. How’d you know I was going?’

‘Matt mentioned it. He said Diane told him when he ran into her at the store. ’

‘Yeah, I’m going with her and Tom. I’ll feel like a third wheel, but I guess it’s better than going alone.’

‘What if I went with you?’ I ask, my heart pounding as my thoughts race back and forth about whether this is a good idea. But now that I’ve thrown it out there, I can’t take it back.

‘Are you serious?’