Page 21 of Keep My Heart (The Haydon Falls #1)

‘Isn’t that what you wanted? Someone to practice on?’

‘I did at first, but now .?.?.’ I look down.

‘Now what ?’

I get out of the car. ‘I’ll talk to you tomorrow, Nick.’

‘Lyndsay, wait!’ He gets out of the car and comes up to me. ‘What’s going on? What happened?’

My eyes lift to his. ‘I don’t think I can do this. These fake dates are starting to feel real.’

‘Yeah,’ he says with a sigh. ‘I know.’

‘So maybe we should just end this.’

‘Is that what you want?’

‘No, but I don’t know how we keep doing this without having our feelings get involved.’

He’s looking at me but doesn’t say anything. Does that mean he agrees with me, that we should stop seeing each other ?

‘Bye, Nick.’ I race to the house and go inside, my heart pounding, tears stinging my eyes.

Just a few dates with Nick and I’m this upset about it ending? I take that to mean I did the right thing. Giving my heart to a guy I can’t have is just setting me up to have it broken again, and that’s the last thing I need right now.

Checking out the window, I see that Nick is gone. I go to the kitchen and my gaze immediately goes to where Nick lifted me up on the counter. Now every time I come in here I’ll think about that, about what we did and how it felt.

Why did I have to run into him again? Why now? I just got out of my marriage. My heart’s still healing from Chris. This is not the time to be falling for some other guy, especially some guy who lives thousands of miles away.

My phone rings. It’s Diane calling, just the person I need to talk to.

‘Hey, Diane,’ I answer.

‘Hey, are you with your mom?’

‘No. I think she’s still out.’ I go to the garage to check. ‘Yeah, her car’s not here.’

‘Do you guys have plans later? Because I was thinking of having a girls’ night. Tom said he’d watch the kids. We could go out for drinks, get dinner somewhere.’

‘Maybe. Let me talk to my mom and see if she has anything planned.’

‘Oh, wait, aren’t you going out with Nick tonight?’

‘No. We decided not to, or I did.’

‘What happened?’ she asks in her protective best friend tone. ‘What’d he do?’

‘Nothing,’ I say, going upstairs. ‘I just decided this fake dating thing wasn’t a good idea.’ I go in my room and lay down on the twin bed that still has the pink comforter on it that I picked out in tenth grade.

‘You had sex with him,’ Diane says.

‘What? No. I mean, we could’ve, but we didn’t.’

‘Lyndsay, just spill it. What happened?’

‘I’m starting to have feelings for him. And I can’t let that happen knowing he’s leaving on Monday.’

‘What are you saying? You’re falling in love with him? After a day?’

‘It’s not love. It feels like .?.?. I don’t know how to describe it. I just know if I keep letting myself fall for him I’ll end up getting hurt.’

‘Then it’s good you’re not going to see him anymore. I never liked the fake date thing anyway.’

‘But I really like Nick. He’s sweet and funny and easy to talk to. And damn, does that boy know how to kiss.’

‘Maybe what you’re feeling is less about Nick and more about being with someone new after all those years with Chris.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Think about it. Chris ignored you. He never took you out. Never spent time with you. You guys weren’t even having sex.

And now you’re going out with this really hot guy who’s giving you attention, making you feel desirable again, listening to you.

It’s totally normal to feel like you’re falling for him.

I think you’re worrying about nothing. You’re not in love with Nick.

You’re just getting a taste of what it feels like to be with a guy who actually likes spending time with you.

That guy doesn’t have to be Nick. Once you start dating again, you’ll get those same feelings with someone else. ’

‘Really? You really think that’s true?’

‘I know it is. Back in college, I went out with a bunch of guys I thought I was in love with, but it wasn’t love.

They were just guys I really liked who were hot and gave me a lot of attention and were good in bed.

It was hormones making me feel that way, not actual love.

And after not having sex for over a year, your hormones are probably going crazy just kissing Nick. ’

‘They are. I almost had sex with him today. If we didn’t have to meet up with his brothers, it might have happened.’

‘You met up with his brothers?’

‘At Sawyer’s brewery. Nick’s cousins showed up, too. They’re all in town for the party. They invited me to go, but I didn’t think I should. It seemed like a family thing. And Nick was acting weird. I felt like he didn’t really want me there. He said he did, but I think he was just being nice.’

‘How was he acting weird?’

‘He was acting like we’re friends. He wasn’t holding my hand, wasn’t putting his arm around me.’

‘Because you’re not dating. Lyndsay, you can’t tell the guy you want to fake date him and then expect him to act like you’re actually dating when he’s around his family. Sorry, but I’m gonna have to take Nick’s side on this.’

‘Yeah, I guess you’re right. See, this is why it doesn’t work. The fake dating thing is helping me feel more comfortable about dating again, but I’m getting confused about what’s real and what’s fake.’

‘Did you talk to Nick about it?’

‘I told him the fake dates were starting to feel real and he agreed. But he didn’t offer a solution. He just left.’

‘So what are you going to do?’

‘I don’t know. I really want to see him tonight, but I don’t know if I should.’

‘If you knew getting hurt wasn’t possible, what would you do?’

‘Go out with Nick. A hundred percent. I’d have no doubts. ’

‘Why? Why would you want to go out with him?’

‘Because he makes me feel alive and happy and excited and .?.?. like me again. I didn’t realize how much of myself I’d lost being with Chris, but being with Nick, I feel like the old me is starting to come back. I can’t tell you how great that feels.’

‘And you think Nick’s the one making you feel like that?’

‘He’s part of the reason. In fact, he’s the one that pointed out how much I’ve changed. How I don’t smile like I used to, or laugh, or get excited. He was right. That part of me got lost when I was with Chris.’ The phone is silent and I check that we’re still connected. ‘Diane? You still there?’

‘Yeah.’

‘So what do you think? Do I tell Nick I can’t see him anymore?’

‘That’s up to you. I can’t tell you what to do. But I can tell you that getting hurt can happen no matter who you’re with. When you start dating again, you’re going to get your heart broken, probably more than once. It’s just what happens when you put yourself out there.’

‘What are you saying? That I shouldn’t date?’

‘No, of course you should date. I’m just saying you can’t expect not to get hurt. It’s going to happen, but it’s up to you to decide who you’re willing to risk your heart with. Maybe that guy is Nick, maybe it’s not.’

‘It’s not Nick. I mean, it could be, but we live on different coasts. It’d never work. I just need to find someone just like him who lives in LA.’

She’s quiet, then says, ‘Is Nick worth it?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Is dating Nick worth it, knowing you’ll probably end up getting hurt?’

‘You’re saying I should date him for real? ’

‘I’m just asking a question. Are you willing to risk your heart being broken if you start something with Nick and it doesn’t work out?’

‘I don’t know. I haven’t even thought about dating him for real because of where we live. Why would I date him, knowing it wouldn’t work?’

‘I’m not saying you should. But if he makes you feel as good as you say he does, maybe you give it a chance.’

‘I don’t think Nick wants to date me. He doesn’t even want a girlfriend. And how would that work when we live on different coasts?’

‘You talk on the phone. Do video dates. Being apart might make it easier to keep your heart from getting involved. Maybe you both agree to keep it casual and only keep it going until you find someone else.’

‘I’m not sure I could keep my heart out of it. Nick’s not a stranger I met on a dating app. He’s a guy I grew up with. A friend. I know his family, his brothers. I had feelings for him even back in high school.’

‘You did?’

‘They weren’t romantic feelings. It was the type of feelings you’d have for a friend.

I cared about him. I looked forward to our tutoring sessions because I really liked spending time with him.

Sometimes I’d call him to tell him something because I didn’t want to wait until our next session.

He was the guy I wish Chris had been, but that just wasn’t him. ’

‘Okay, this is getting complicated. I know you think you only saw Nick as a friend back in high school, but it sounds like more than that, which would explain why you’re having such strong feelings for him now. Maybe you shouldn’t see him anymore.’

‘Except I really want to, even if it’s only for one more day. Would it be that bad to go on a real date with Nick, knowing it won’t go anywhere?’

‘That’s up to you. Just make sure you let him know that’s what you’re doing. Don’t pretend to fake date him and then tell yourself it’s real.’

‘I don’t think he’ll do it if I tell him that. He doesn’t want this turning into anything.’

‘Then don’t do it. Lying about what you’re doing isn’t fair to either of you and will definitely end with one or both of you getting hurt.’

I sigh. ‘I need to think about this.’

‘Let’s plan our girls’ night for next week, once Nick is gone.’

‘Sorry. I’m not being a very good friend.’

‘You’re a great friend. You’re just going through a tough time. You need to do what you need to do. I get that. I’m here if you need me, okay?’

‘Yeah. Thanks, Diane. I’ll let you know what happens.’

There’s a knock on my door. ‘Honey, are you in there?’

‘Yeah, Mom. Just a minute.’ I get up and open the door. ‘Your hair looks nice.’

She’s had the same hairstyle for as long as I can remember, a short bob that she curls under at the ends.

‘Thank you.’ She smooths her hand over it. ‘It always feels good to get it trimmed up. Did Nick leave?’

‘Yeah, he’s with his brothers and his cousins from Chicago. They’ll all be going to the party soon.’

‘He’s such a nice young man.’ She smiles. ‘And he seems to think an awful lot of you. The way he was looking at you?’ She winks at me.

‘We’re just friends, Mom.’ I walk over to the mirror above my dresser to check that my mascara didn’t smear when I was tearing up. I don’t want my mom knowing I was crying and asking why. ‘ Besides, I thought you were still holding out hope that I’d get back with Chris.’

‘Honey, I know it’s over between you two,’ she says, coming into my room. ‘I was hoping you two might be able to reconcile, but now that the divorce is final, I think it’s time for you to find someone else.’

‘I’m not sure I’m ready for that.’ I turn to face her. ‘Dating. Getting into another relationship.’

‘You’re not getting any younger, and if you want children—’

‘Yeah, Mom, I know.’

I don’t need a reminder of how old I’m getting and how my time’s running out to have kids.

I already think about that all that time.

It’s the reason I need to force myself to start dating again.

So maybe I shouldn’t be pursuing anything with Nick.

Maybe my time should be spent getting back out there, finding someone I could actually date and maybe marry.

I wish that guy could be Nick, but it’s not, and never will be.