Page 59 of Husband to Go

“Yes, pretty much. With younger women, it never works out. They say they don’t want kids, but then their tune changes after a couple months. Then they start cooing at baby clothes, imagining a nursery, and god forbid if their friends start pumping out rugrats. Then it’s all over.”

I stare at him.

“But Tanner, what does this have to do with me? We’ve never even talked about kids. And it makes no sense because we didn’t use protection a lot of the time. So where are we going with this?”

Streaks appear across his high cheekbones.

“I know, sweetheart. That’s why this is so messed up. I thought I knew myself: I was a hardened single guy in NYC, out to terrorize the female sex. I only dated older women because I wanted my life to be predictable. And it was, for a really long time; almost twenty years, in fact. But then you come along, Kylie: so nubile, fresh, sweet, and seductive. You were what I never wanted, but alsoeverythingI wanted, and it took me far too long to accept it, but I wantyou.”

I’m frozen in place, overcome by his words. He wants me? But he doesn’t want me? I’m overwhelmed and don’t know what to think. My mind whirls and confusion reigns.

“But why did you have to get married to Veronica?” I ask again in a quiet voice. “Sure, she’s forty, but there are a lot of forty-year-olds out there. What made her stand out?”

He looks ashamed.

“It was three things that came together perfectly, sweetheart. Again, you’re going to hate me for this but this is the time to be open. First, it was her business connections. I wanted those. Second, her age. I don’t want children, and Veronica wasn’t going to have more. Third, it was you, baby girl. I wanted to have you as part of the marriage, and yes, it’s fucked up and reprehensible, but that was my thought process. I’m ashamed, and Kylie, I understand if you don’t want to be with me. Just don’t go back to that mental institution, okay? There’s no need to subject yourself to torture because there is nothing wrong with you, sweetheart. I promise you that.”

He looks terrified, like I might whack him across the head before storming out in a rage. But instead, I feel frozen. I accept who Tanner is, and the fact that he may have been a different man in the past. But it doesn’t matter because there’s a huge roadblock in the way that trumps everything.

“Tanner, it’s fine,” I say in a hoarse voice, looking out the window. “It doesn’t matter.”

He sputters.

“What do you mean it doesn’t matter? I want to be with you, Kylie,” he says fervently. “I realize I may not be the man of your dreams, but –”

I cut him off with a sad smile.

“I get it. All those times we had anal, it was because you didn’t want me to get pregnant, isn’t it?” I say in a soft voice. “You don’t want kids, and we never used protection, so anal sex was your insurance.”

He looks ashamed again.

“Yes, sweetheart, but that was the old me,” he says in a tortured voice. “I’m so sorry.”

I shake my head.

“But you see, Tanner, the problem is that Idowant children. I want them with my whole heart, and I can’t be with a man who doesn’t see himself as a father. It’s one of my non-negotiables, so even though you’ve changed, it’s a moot point,” I say in a soft, tearful voice. “We’re not a match. I’m sorry.”

Tanner looks stricken.

“Sweetheart, you don’t know yourself,” he begins in a low voice. “You’re young. You have no idea what kids are like, and how they can turn your world upside down.”

But I shake my head, my vision watery with tears.

“No, Tanner. Idoknow this about myself. I may be young, but I’ve always known that I was going to be a mother, and it’s not something you can convince me about otherwise. For my own self-respect and self-esteem, we have to end this now. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, but this is going nowhere. Please drive.”

He turns to face forward, his hands gripping the wheel again.

“Kylie, please –” he begins in a start.

But I shake my head.

“No more words, Tanner. It’s done.”

With that, he starts the car and we ride in silence. My heart is breaking because after all we’ve been through, it seems that we were never meant to be. I want to cry, sob, and wail my distress to the heavens, but instead I bite my lip and look out the window as my vision blurs. This man who means so much to me? He was never the one, and although I love him more than life itself, we have to go our separate ways now.

19

Kylie