Page 34 of Husband to Go

I throw off my covers and pound my fists into my mattress. I need to get up and do something. Stewing in my feelings has not helped one iota, and it’s driving me stir-crazy.

But I can’t manage it and my limbs collapse helplessly onto my bed once more. Staring at the ceiling, I admonish myself: Ihaveto make an effort today. I need to get back to being the old Kylie, and things around here have to change. No more of this crazy, unbelievable, whory behavior with the most inappropriate man in the universe. I couldn’t have chosenworse, come to think of it.

Staggering to my bathroom, I shut the door behind me and the first thing I see is my haggard appearance. I look like a mess. There are dark circles surrounding my eyes, my hair is like a tumbleweed, and there seems to be a permanent frown on my face.

I look like I’ve been run over by a lawnmower, and that isn’t far from the truth when you consider the mess of my life. After all, after getting back from Vegas, I changed into pajamas and did not move for a whole forty-eight hours. Friends called, but I ignored my phone. I couldn’t even bring myself to talk to Andrea. She’s been trying so hard to give me advice, and all I do is muck it up. Ever since meeting Tanner, it’s become all abouthim. When I’m with him, when I’m not with him, how good he feels, and how idiotic I am to be so obsessed with him.He’s my future stepdad! What am I thinking?I want to pull out my hair and beat my chest, while screaming in frustration and rage.

I’ve got Tanner on my mind, and I can’t get him out, and unfortunately it shows in this mirror. I look like a wreck with questionable personal hygiene.

And you know what? It’s what I deserve. I’ve been sleeping with my future stepfather like it’s not a bad thing. But it’s wrong. It isunequivocallywrong. No matter how I feel about this guy, what we’re doing is off-limits and taboo. If anyone knew what we were up to, they would be disgusted. No matter what way you slice it, we look like an amoral couple who doesn’t care about anything. What Tanner and I are doing needs to stop.

I look myself dead in the eyes.

“You will not sleep with Tanner again. There can be no more. You’re done with him.” I point at myself. “Done.”

I run my fingers through my hair, pushing it behind my ears. I need to get back to the old Kylie again. I need to get back to who I used to be. But how? I can barely remember her at this point because I’ve strayed so far from my former self that she feels like a distant memory.

However, the one place where old Kylie always felt at home was the library.

So, that’s where I’ll go. I can immerse myself in the stacks and remember that I’m a good person. Maybe that’ll do the trick.

A quick glance in the mirror tells me I need to take a shower first. I don’t just look a mess, I feel absolutely gross. It’s the downside of being totally stagnant for two days minus quick asides for food and bathroom breaks.

The spray of water on my head helps clear my mind. The hot pounding stings my skin while I soap my entire body, as if purging me of my former self. I scrub away, focusing on making sure every inch of my skin is clean.

Scrubbed clean of Tanner.

Something in my heart tears at the idea of washing him away, but it’s for the best. It’s not like we’re “in love” or anything. I should be able to easily let this guy go, but it’s easier said than done.

My brief respite comes to an end when I step outside of the shower stall. Dripping wet, I look at myself. The light’s gone out of my eyes, but so be it. The only thing left to do is get dressed and walk over to the library as soon as possible. Once among the stacks, I’ll finally be able to tune out and forget these past couple of weeks.

I get outside and walk across the courtyard to the university library. It’s a stone building, beautifully crafted in the Gothic Revival style with turrets, ramparts, and a generally gloomy-but-stately feel. I’ve always felt most at ease within those walls, at tables surrounded by stacks and stacks of books. Here, there’s a whole world at my fingertips ready to be explored, and hopefully, the pages can work their magic again.

After I enter, everything is just as I remember it: the same sights, smells, everything.

“Hi, Kylie. Long time, no see.” My favorite librarian Barbara is at the counter today.

“Hi, Barbara. It has been a while. I got caught up in my mother’s wedding preparations and it’s been rather hectic.”

The middle-aged woman smiles kindly.

“Oh, I’d imagine. Your mom sounds like the type. Anything I can do to help?” she asks sympathetically. I confided in Barbara about how Veronica had become a Bridezilla in the weeks leading up to her big day.

“No thanks, I’m good. I came here to relax a little, and to take some time away from all that stuff. Once I’m in the stacks, I’ll be good.”

“Well, the books will always be here for you,” she motions. With a smile, I thank my favorite librarian and make my way deeper into the library.

Once I’m in the back, I take a deep breath. Just standing here is making me feel better. Usually, I would go to my regular spot, but today, I want to walk among the stacks. This is where I used to spend almost every night, and I haven’t been here in so long.Toolong. I choose an aisle, hiding myself away and running my fingertips along the spines of various books.

A few minutes of meandering, and I’m feeling more like myself. I’m almost ready to sit down and crack open a book. I don’t even know where to start. The choices are endless, and each and every one is at my fingertips. I’m in an aisle, trying to decide on which tome to pull out, when I think I see someone around the corner. It’s not so weird for other people to be here, but something in the air shivers. My skin goes hot and somehow Iknow.

It’s him. That big bulk wasn’t just anyone, it’shim.

But it can’t be. How would Tanner even know that I’m here? I rush around the corner, but by the time I’m around the bend, Tanner isn’t there anymore.

Which makes sense. Why would he be in my library in the first place? He wouldn’t be. He doesn’t even know this is my favorite spot. I’m here by myself, and deep down, I know that.

But what’s more distressing is the fact that my mind saw him. He’s here with me, even when I try and wipe him from my consciousness completely. Am I going crazy?