Page 45 of Husband to Go

“Well, if that’s the case, instead of fully dropping out, have you considered a leave of absence? That way, if and when you’re ready to return, you won’t have to reapply. Does that sound like something you’d be interested in?”

I shrug. I should be interested but the truth is, I don’t really care.

“Sure, that’s fine.” I just want to get off this phone call, so I can leave.

The woman clucks.

“Perfect. So, I’ll just need your student ID number and the last four of your social.”

I give her all the information while tapping my fingers impatiently.

“Okay, then. I put in your request, and it’s a go. Your leave of absence is only temporary, and if you want to extend it, you’ll need to call back in six months. Otherwise, your degree candidacy will be terminated.”

Terminated. That’s a scary word, but frankly, I just can’t get myself to care. Tanner has made a mess of me, and I can barely think about school, much less getting a degree. Besides, that’s probably what I’ll do. I’ll let the six months pass by and not call back because half a year doesn’t sound like enough time to heal. Even if it is, I’m not sure I’ll want to come back to New York City because there will be memories of Tanner everywhere. I may as well move to a different state, or even a different country.

“Thanks Carly. You’ve been really helpful,” I say with fake cheer.

“You’re welcome sweetheart. Call if you have any questions.”

I hang up, glad that that is over. It wasn’t an easy decision, choosing to leave like this. College has been one of the few places I’ve had the freedom to grow and explore, and to nurture the idea that I’d be a librarian one day. I had this dream of bringing books to places that aren’t well-served, like Appalachia or rural Alaska. I even imagined starting a book van service like they used to have back in the day when brick and mortar libraries weren’t as ubiquitous.

All I wanted to do was spread my love of reading, and I just needed to stick it out for four years. My mom was partially funding my education, and after graduation and getting my first job, I would no longer be dependent on Veronica. But I messed that up because who’s going to hire a librarian without a degree?

Unfortunately, it’s done now. I’ve made my choices, and right now, mental peace is more important to me than a B.A. I finish packing. I don’t think I did it effectively, but my bag is full and nothing else is fitting inside.

Looking around my apartment, I feel a twinge of sadness. Am I doing the right thing by disappearing? Even if I go missing, I still can’t stop my brain from thinking of Tanner. But that’s part of this effort. With time, I know my memories of him will dim, and hopefully I’ll find solace in other distractions.

But what if Tanner comes looking for me? I grit my teeth. With where I’m going, there’s no way he’ll be able to find me. Not unless he looks really hard, and I know he won’t. Why would he? All I’ve done is show him the absolute worst side of me. I’m sure he and Veronica will find peace as well without me staring at them with envious, lustful eyes.

My jaw clenches and tears spring to my eyes.Theydon’t matter anymore. It’s time to focus on me and my recovery.

I head down to the street and call a cab. I give him the address and sink into my seat. I’m doing the right thing for everyone. We’ll all be better off if this nonsense is put to bed.

I open my duffle bag and pull out my mom’s wedding invitation. By tomorrow at three, she will be Mrs. Veronica Logan. Tears fall onto the quality paper stock, smearing the ink.

Fuck!

I can’t bear the thought of Tanner being married to anyone else. I kept sleeping with him because I wasdrawnto everything about him. He was magnetic and sexy and made me lose myself each and every time. No man has ever made me feel so amazing.

But somehow along the way, like the stupid idiot I am, I fell in love with him. I’m stupid, stupid, stupid. What silly girl falls for their mom’s fiancé? What kind of future is available for us? It’s not like he ever offered to leave my mom for me. I asked, but he never said yes. He didn’t say no, but he didn’t say yes either. That’s an answer in and of itself, and a dagger of pain stabs me in the heart. Is this really happening?

I stare at the invitation, the expensive card stock heavy in my hands. Tears drip, but I won’t let myself make a sound. I deserve this shame, and it’s something I should never forget. That way I’ll never make a mistake like this again.

I never asked for this, nor did I want it. Falling in love with a man who is going to be my stepfather in less than twenty-four hours? I’m appalled. I wish I could forget about him, and wipe every memory of Tanner Logan from my brain.

This pain can’t be worth it.

I’ve read books about love and how two people have to work hard to see if they’re meant for one another. It’s not like in movies, where there’s a meet-cute and then semi-struggle before they have their happily ever after. But this is real life, and the last night Tanner and I spent together, I was hoping he might realize he loves me. I thought that was why he came to my apartment. He was there to tell me what he’d been keeping hidden for weeks: that he’s ready to leave Veronica and begin our love affair in earnest.

But that was a pipe dream.

He hasn’t made any effort to contact me. There’s been no news of a cancellation for tomorrow’s wedding, so I can only be left to think that he’s going through with marrying my mom. It’s something I should’ve seen coming from a mile away.

In fact, every time I brought up next steps or future plans, Tanner would change the topic. I was so blinded by my infatuation with him, that I ignored every single red flag, like an ostrich with its head in the sand. I didn’twantto see, and thus I purposefully ignored the ugly truth.

And now, I don’t even recognize myself. Who sleeps with their mom’s fiancé over and over again? What girl is so utterly amoral, with no control over herself?

The cab rolls to a stop at the curb, and the cabbie turns to look at me.