Page 65 of Holly Jolly July

Mariah

Ellie’s not in our bed when I wake up. The cabin doesn’t smell like coffee, or eggs, or toast. I get up and dress, then pad

out to the main area. The room is full of boxes, and Ellie is unstringing lights from the ceiling and coiling them up. The

tree is half-naked, and everything seems... wrong.

“Well, this sucks,” I grump.

Ellie turns to look at me, and her bright smile is almost enough to lift my spirits. Almost, but not quite.

“Yeah,” Ellie replies. “The day after Christmas is the worst day of the year.”

“I feel so...” I make a fist and hold it to my chest, unable to describe the ickiness.

She simply nods. “I forgot you’ve never really had a proper Christmas. This is your first time experiencing the post-holiday

blues.”

I take the opposite end of the string of lights and begin helping her wrap it up. “It’s awful.”

“Yup.”

“Makes me want to go back to bed.”

“I know. It sucks.” She sighs. “But the pain of it being over means that it was something truly special. Would you really

want to undo everything to not experience the sadness when it comes to an end?”

We finish coiling the lights, our hands meeting, fingers grazing one another’s. My gaze meets hers, and I give my head a subtle

shake, my throat thickening. “No. I wouldn’t.”

We lean toward one another, her eyes darting down to my lips, and—

Her phone rings. She blinks a few times, as if clearing her head, then steps away to grab it off the kitchen counter and answer it. “Hey Blaire! Oh, they already contacted you? That’s great!”

She stays on the phone for another minute or two, then hangs up and squeals, her whole upper body curling into a ball.

I set the bundle of lights into a box and step up to the peninsula. “What’s up?”

Ellie twists toward me, her face bright and shining. “It’s happening for real! Marlene and Yueyi spoke with my agent, Blaire,

and I’ll get to star with Jack Winstron and I’ll really be the main character this time! I can’t believe I get to be the main

character, I’m always the side character, the quirky best friend, the neighbour, the barista, woman at church number two,

and...” She trails off, as if losing steam. “What’s wrong?”

I blink. “Hmm?”

“You look sad.” Ellie tilts her head to the side and sticks out her bottom lip.

“What! No. This is just my face.” I turn my frown as upside down as I can.

Ellie purses her lips. “I’ve been staring at your face a lot these past two weeks. I know what it looks like when you’re happy.”

I come around to her and take her hands in mine, our matching bracelets tinkling together. “I’m happy for you. This is a big

moment and you’ve worked so hard for it. I just wish...” I bite my lip, unsure which emotion to pick first. I wish we had

more time together. I wish our goals were more in line with each other’s. Mostly I wish she’d think about how important she

is to me. She’s the main character in my life.

But maybe that doesn’t count.

Ellie gives my hands a squeeze. “I know,” she says, though I’m not sure she does. “This isn’t a goodbye forever. It’s just

a goodbye for now.”

It doesn’t feel that way.

“I have to get ready for work and pack,” I say.

Ellie nods, releasing my hands. “I have to get all this stuff back in my car.”

I look around, unsure if that’s possible. “Good luck.”

We part ways, her heading back to the living area and me going to the bathroom to shower. I eye our toothbrushes side by side

at the sink, my shampoo bottles next to hers, her underwear piled on the floor with my bra. It makes my heart ache. I was

so close to having it all. Life can be such a tease.

As I clean myself up and get ready, I come to terms with the fact that this is the end for us, despite Ellie’s good intentions

and bright words. For two people working in the film industry, our lives are going in completely opposite directions. Maybe

today we can pretend we’ll cross paths in the future, if only to ease these next few hours. Then, after we’re finished filming

this final day, after I’ve gone home and I’m done packing my apartment and telling my landlord he can list it on Airbnb for

the remainder of my lease, when I’m in my car and I’m sitting at the Peace Arch Border Crossing and it’s real, that’s when

I’ll let all of this sink in. I’ll play some sad songs on the road trip down to California, watch the sun sparkle off the

bracelet on my wrist, and cry it all out before starting fresh in LA.

My time with Ellie will be a magical Christmas memory, one that I’ll never be able to match. Now whenever Home Alone comes on TV or “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” plays on the radio or I even see red and green twinkling lights it will remind me of her, of how close to perfect everything

was, and how it will never be again.

Another reason to hate that time of year.

Once my hair and makeup are done I gather my items from the bathroom and move to the bedroom to dress and pack. By the time

I’m ready to go, wheeling my travel luggage behind me, the living room is bare and the boxes are stacked by the door. It all

feels so... wrong.

I go outside and find Ellie stuffing a box in her trunk. After loading my luggage into my own car I help her with the boxes.

We stand outside, the morning already hot with an intense July sun and a cloudless blue sky. “You need a ride into town?” I ask.

Ellie shakes her head. “No. Probably best I take my own car since we’re both heading out right after.”

“Right. Of course.” I bite my lip, wishing I had the extra twenty minutes with her for the drive. “Guess I’ll see you there.”

“Yup. See you soon. I gotta go jump in the shower, so—”

“Yeah, of course. I’ll see you on set.”

Despite us both needing to leave, we stand there for several more beats. Finally, I tear myself away and hop in the driver’s

seat of my car, turning the engine over. I watch through the rear-view mirror as Ellie walks away and heads back into the

cabin.

My heart feels like it weighs a thousand pounds as I pull away and the cabin disappears behind me, lost in the forest, never

to be seen again. The drive into Chilliwack is similarly heavy, with all of my memories of the past mingling with the present,

giving me yet another reason to leave this city and never return.

Leaving Chilliwack behind makes me wonder if I should have left more on the table last night with Ellie. I wasn’t honest with

her about my feelings. I came close to telling her how important she is to me, but the way she’d spoken, it all sounded so

final. She’d made up her mind about us, about our future, about our friendship. It was all so painfully familiar.

Just like Jess, I’d been Ellie’s curiosity experiment.

But unlike Jess, I’d helped Ellie unlock something important and special about herself that she might not have realized for

a long time, if ever. I was never more than a friend to her—a catalyst to her path of self-discovery. And that’s all I’ll

ever be. Even though it hurts, I don’t regret what happened. It was a privilege being there with her for the start of her

journey. If I had to do it all over again, I would.

I kept my promise to myself. I protected my own heart and didn’t bare my soul to Ellie like I had with Jess. I didn’t risk losing both a friend and a lover at the same time. Instead, I hardly had a lover, and kept a friend who I wished with every fibre of my being was more than that.

As my heart thumps painfully in my chest like it’s filled with sticky black tar, I’m not sure which is better.

I take the long way to work and drive past the bar where Matthew Jackson and I reunited. I sift through the emotions tied

to him, but don’t feel anything: no anger, no resentment, nothing. Yes, I was close to catching feelings for the person I

thought he was, and it did suck being so blatantly lied to... but instead of anything negative, I feel an odd sense of gratitude. If it weren’t for

him and his fuckboy ways, Ellie and I never would have found one another in the way we had. We would have remained friendly

strangers, two paths crossing on their way to different destinations rather than becoming entwined like we did. In a roundabout

way, Ellie and I owe everything to him.

My phone dings with a text from Mom, and I pull my phone out of my purse at a red light to read it.

Morning sunshine! Today still good to get together with you and Ellie? Dad and I would love to see your set if that’s ok.

Never seen a movie set before but now we know two famous people!

Since I’m driving, I press the call button and set my phone into my hands-free device.

Mom answers with a confused “Hello?”

“Hey, just driving, thought it would be easier to call.”

“Oh, that’s nice!” She seems overly eager and surprised that I’ve called, which makes me feel guilty, knowing how rare of

an occasion this is.

“Yeah, so, I’m not sure if I can let you on set because of security, but if you swing by I can ask the director today. We

can go for lunch before I head back into Vancouver.”

I don’t tell her that it might be the last time I see her for a while.

Me being a one-hour drive away versus twenty likely won’t make a difference for how often we see each other, but being able to and simply not doing it feels different than a physical distance keeping us apart. That’s not a good conversation to have

on the phone.

“Will Ellie be joining us?” she asks.

“Uh...”

“She’s such a sweet girl. Your dad and I really enjoyed her company.”

“Yeah, she is, but—”

“You know, I fully support your relationship with her. You two make such a lovely couple. You know what they say, opposites

attract and all. I could just tell you two had something special when I saw you together. And the way she looked at you, it

made my heart smile.”

“Really?”

“Sure! Could see it clear as day how important you two are to each other.”

“Thanks, Mom,” I manage. I don’t think I can sit with my parents and continue to pretend Ellie is my girlfriend. Not after

everything that’s happened. Not now that I want it so badly to be true, but it never will be. “I’m not sure if Ellie can join

us, but I’ll ask.”

“That would be lovely.”

“Yeah. Okay, I gotta go, just got to work,” I say as I pull up to a space and prepare to parallel park.

“Thanks for calling, Mariah,” she says, pronouncing my name my preferred way again. “We’ll see you later today.”

“Bye.” I let her disconnect the call. I’m still perturbed by the shift in my mom’s personality and one-eighty in support for me and my lifestyle, unsure what the catalyst was for the change, and not entirely trusting her for it.

Maybe it’s some sort of manipulation tactic that I haven’t clued in on yet.

Why now? And why, of all people, does she approve of Ellie so much?

Typical of my life to finally find someone my parents like and think is right for me, only for our relationship to have been faked, then more real than I could have ever imagined, and then ending so abruptly.

After parking, I get out of my car and walk to downtown Chilliwack for what might be the last time.

I eye the twee touristy downtown strung with garland and lights, the windows frosted, drab white blankets in piles beside

the sidewalk. I tilt my head, trying to look at it through Ellie’s eyes, to see the magic sparkle, but I can’t. Maybe I need

her with me to do that.

While waiting for the light to change, I look down the street to my favourite bookstore. Well, there’s one thing in Chilliwack

that still holds some magic for me. Part of me is sad I might never see that bookstore again, the only place I’ve ever truly

felt safe in this whole city.

Now, I suppose, the cabin Ellie stayed in has joined that list too.

After crossing the road, showing my ID to security, and making my way up to my hair and makeup station, I prepare for our

last day on set. There are several side actors and background people who need their makeup done and I busy myself with that,

allowing my mind to wander to everything I need to do before I leave Vancouver. Try as I might to focus on the ever-growing

list of seemingly insurmountable tasks ahead, my mind keeps going back to Ellie. Maybe it’s because with every turn of my

wrist my bracelet catches the light, drawing my attention to it. Or it could be because the people sitting in my chair don’t

radiate anything close to the energy that shines out of her like some sort of happiness Arc Reactor.

I look at the clock, wondering when she’ll be here, wishing she’d hurry up and arrive so I can look at her beautiful face,

while simultaneously wishing she’ll never show up, so I don’t have to say goodbye.