Page 27 of Holly Jolly July

I kept to myself.” Ellie’s eyes turn pitying, which sours my stomach. “Anyway,” I say, eager to change the subject. I haven’t

talked about myself for so long since... ever. And now I’m feeling all exposed and squirmy about it. “We should figure

out what to do about Jax. Are you sure you still want to Home Alone him?”

Ellie’s already done her hot dog, whereas I’ve had maybe two bites. She wipes her face on a napkin while nodding. “Hell to

the yes. Let’s teach this dirtbag a lesson.”

I get out my phone and open the Notes app. “Okay. Ideas?”

She leans forward, elbows on the table. “How about this. We blindfold him and tie him up in a field and put bird food all

over him.”

“Uh... okay.” I write that down.

“Or we could put hundreds of cheese slices all over his truck and put glitter in his vents and slick the inside of his windshield

with Vaseline.”

I write that down, too, even though I think it’s a horrible idea.

“Oh! Oh! We hire a clown to follow him around for two weeks and make him think he’s being stalked by a serial killer!”

I lower my phone, shocked that a person who radiates sunshine and rainbows can have a mind that goes so dark. “Or, how about we do things that won’t land us in jail?”

Ellie considers this. “Good point.”

“Think less Carrie Underwood ‘Before He Cheats’ and more Regina George from Mean Girls. ”

“Hmm.” Ellie leans back, stroking her chin like the evil genius she apparently is. “In Mean Girls they pranked Regina in ways that took away her power.”

“Yes.”

“So, what is it that gives Matt his power?”

I contemplate this for a second. “He’s hot?”

Ellie snaps her fingers. “Bingo.”

“He has that amazing hair,” I continue.

“And he smells really good.”

I hum low in my throat. “Fuck, does he smell good.”

“And his arms,” Ellie adds.

“The tendons on his hands and forearms.” I bite my lip.

Ellie squirms in her seat. “The way he grabs you and digs his fingers into your hips.”

I lean closer on the table. “How he can lift you so easily, toss you around—”

“Shove you against a wall—” Ellie leans forward, too.

“Do whatever he wants—”

“Even though you both want it...”

Ellie and I pause, leaning toward each other with heated smirks on our faces. Her eyes dart to my lips, and mine follow suit.

The tension between us sparks a heat in my belly, sending a sharp tingle between my thighs. Before I can determine if it’s

Ellie or talking about Jax that caused it, she breaks the spell by clearing her throat. We both move away at the same time.

“Okay, yes.” I shake my head, trying to get back on track. “We make him less... hot. But how do we do that without committing

a felony or causing permanent damage?”

She thinks for a moment, then her eyes alight with an idea. “I’ve got it.”

Three hours later, Ellie is dressed up as the old man again. She limps into the bar while I wait outside for her text. Ellie

takes several minutes, leaving me far too long to think about our plan and all the ways it could go wrong. I’m nearly ready

to call everything off when she texts me.

ELLIE: Kevin

ME: Why do we need code words?

ELLIE: KEVIN!!!!

Summoning all my courage—which isn’t very much—I rush inside. Ellie’s old man voice resounds from the men’s bathroom, talking

loudly about how he’s never had a shit so big it clogged a toilet like that. I’m panicking too hard to laugh. My heart is

pounding and my stomach is clenched so tight I feel like I might barf and ruin the whole plan. I get to work behind the bar.

My first operative is taping a remote-controlled fart machine to the underside of a cabinet, which was Ellie’s idea, obviously.

I told her it was immature and not worth our time, but she couldn’t even get through explaining the joke without laughing,

so I reluctantly agreed. Afterward, I squirt purple dye into his glass of Coke Zero and nab his truck keys that he stores

under the till. I leave just as fast as I came in, glancing around at the patrons to see that nobody’s even looked up from

their scratch tickets.

Once outside, I text Ellie the code.

MARIAH: Woof

I don’t wait for Ellie before I start setting up the traps in his little truck.

Ellie joins me several minutes later and jumps into the driver’s seat, peeling off her moustache as she does. “All set?”

“Yeah, I think so.” I look over the interior, and nothing seems out of place.

“We should check to see if it works. I’ll be Matt, you be his next date.” Ellie leans against the seat and manspreads, regarding

me with a Joey from Friends “How you doin’?” look.

I snort a laugh at her impression but can’t help but squeeze my legs together. Ellie is normally super femme, but masc energy

really works for her. I have to admit, I’m a little turned on.

“Hey, baby,” she says in a deep voice. “Buckle in, sweet cheeks, let’s go on our date.”

I try to remain stoic as I reach for my seat belt, pulling it across my lap to find a bright red thong wrapped around the

buckle. “What’s this?” My voice trembles against a laugh.

“Oh, shit!” Ellie grabs it. “Sorry, sugar plum, no idea how that got there. Let me put this away—” She reaches past me to

open the glove compartment, only to have an avalanche of condoms and lube spill out over my lap.

I burst out laughing, unable to contain myself any longer.

Ellie keeps up the ruse, pretending to be a very flustered Jax as he fumbles with everything, trying to shove it back in the

box, all while muttering apologies and calling me increasingly cringy pet names until I’m howling.

Finally, Ellie breaks character, regarding me with a radiant smile. “You have the best laugh.”

“Oh my god, I do not.” I wipe my eyes. “I sound like a suffocating goose.”

She chuckles. “Maybe I like suffocating geese.”

Ellie’s face glows with such fondness it turns my insides to goop. “Okay, let’s get this set up again and get out of here.”

She claps her hands. “Phase two!”

“Oh, another thing, look what I found in his glove box.” I show her his insurance papers.

“‘Matthew Jackson,’” she reads.

“Just in case you needed more proof.”

Ellie shrugs. “I didn’t, but I appreciate you thinking of me.”

After shoving his papers back into the glove box and resetting the trap, we exit the vehicle. I hand Ellie Jax’s keys, which

she eyes mischievously before moving to the back of the truck and unlocking the tunnel-cover, sliding it open to look in the

truck bed.

“What are you doing?” I ask. This wasn’t part of the plan.

“Jackpot!” Ellie hoists his gym bag out and slides the cover shut.

I panic. “What are you doing with that?”

An insidious grin lights up her face. “Do you know how much stuff we can fuck with in here?”

“I don’t know...”

“I promise, all Regina George, no Carrie Underwood.”

I hesitate, pressing my lips together, not entirely trusting Ellie to keep us out of jail considering the ideas she’s had

in the past. “Stealing isn’t something I’m okay with.”

“It’s not stealing, it’s borrowing. We’ll return it in one hour. He’ll never even know it’s gone. Please please please?” She

sticks her big bottom lip out.

“Fine.” I cave with a roll of my eyes. “But this better be very Regina George, or I’m out.”