Page 63 of Holly Jolly July

Ellie

It turns out that lube is really hard to clean off a hardwood floor. We spend most of our time between that and the flour.

By the time we’ve unstrung the lotion-covered condoms it’s getting close to midnight.

“I guess we should pack up the Christmas stuff now,” I say, reaching to unplug one of the strings of lights we’d used to entrap

Matt.

Mariah lays a hand on my forearm. “Leave it until tomorrow.”

I give her a small smile. “One more night of Christmas?”

“One more night of Christmas,” she agrees.

“Speaking of Christmas, I almost forgot.” I set the lights down to grab a small box I’d hidden behind the tree. Its shiny

silver paper is punctuated with a bright red bow almost as big as the box itself. I hand it to Mariah, and she turns it over

in her hands as if she’s never seen a Christmas present before.

“For me?” she asks, barely above a whisper.

I clench my fists. “Yeah.”

Her brows furrow. “I didn’t get you anything.”

“That’s okay.”

“But now I feel shitty.”

I can’t help the small giggle that bubbles in my chest. “A classic Christmas feeling, what I call Christmas Gift Reciprocation

Guilt. Usually, I buy a bunch of boxes of chocolate and have them ready to go in case someone unexpectedly gives me something.”

“Wish I had a box of chocolates right now.”

“Open it!” I do a little jump, unable to wait any longer.

She gently peels away the paper like a practised grandma saving it for next year. The plain black cardboard box opens to reveal two bracelets, one with an x and the other with an o .

Mariah presses a hand to her mouth but doesn’t move to pick them up. I do it for her, taking the x and clipping it around her wrist. She takes mine and does the same. We hold our wrists together, a matching x and o , the silver reflecting the twinkling green and red lights.

“Thank you,” she manages, her eyes glassy.

I entwine my fingers with hers. “You know... This is the best Christmas I’ve had in a long time.”

Mariah smiles. “This is the best Christmas I’ve ever had.”

“Merry Christmas.” I struggle to maintain my cheerful countenance despite how much my chest aches. I step into her arms and

let my forehead lie on her chest, feeling the gentle swell of her breasts rise and fall with her breath, listening to the

beat of her heart.

“I wish we’d have had the whole night to ourselves,” I say. “But I’m glad we taught Matt a final lesson. The way you stood

up for me... Thank you. No one has ever done that for me before.”

“I meant what I said.” Mariah’s eyes search mine, drawing me close. “You deserve someone who truly appreciates you, and values

you, and is honest with you all the time.”

I tense at her words. She says I deserve all these nice things, but I can never seem to have them. Time and time again, I

meet someone amazing, I catch feelings, and then the rug is ripped out from under me when they pursue something—or someone—more

important. Mariah’s kind words don’t do anything to stem the pain of her going down to LA rather than staying up here with

me. I’m not her priority—and why should I be? She just met me.

Someday I’ll find someone who will make me a priority.

But that doesn’t make my heart hurt any less, seeing her here, watching those beautiful eyes of hers search mine.

Despite knowing we have no future, reminding myself of Mariah’s choice over and over again, what my heart wants and needs right now is Mariah.

Three little words echo in the back of my mind.

Now is not the right time to say them.

It may never be the right time for us.

“I know whatever this is ends tomorrow,” I begin, reaching out for Mariah’s hands. “I know you have dreams to chase, and those

dreams don’t include me... but we still have tonight. Can we pretend, just for tonight, that we’re going to see each other

again?”

Mariah’s eyes shine as she regards me. “Who says my dreams don’t include you?”

“Don’t get my hopes up,” I say with a bit more bite in my tone than intended. “This is hard enough as it is.”

“But...”

“We need to keep being honest with each other. Your path is taking you one way, and mine is taking me another. That doesn’t

mean that what we have right here, right now, isn’t important and special.”

Mariah squeezes my hands, giving me courage to go on.

“I know I haven’t been with any other women before, and that I’ve just been fumbling around like a goof—”

Mariah laughs through the tears that have begun to well in her eyes. “None of this has been fumbling.”

I smile back. “I’ve felt a little fumbly!”

Mariah shrugs. “The fumbling, the figuring it out, it’s all part of it. And, for the record, my first time with you was way

better than like ninety percent of the sex I’ve had in my life.”

I perk up. “Really?”

“You have natural talents.” She bites her lip. “Even though this came about rather suddenly for you.”

I bask in her praise for a moment, then turn serious.

“I’ve given it a lot of thought. About my sexuality.

I know it seems sudden to you, but looking back, it’s like I see everything through a different lens.

Was I intimidated by the new girl in grade eight, or was I attracted to her?

Was I jealous of my best friend in grade ten because she got a boyfriend and spent more time with him than me, or was I envious because he got to kiss her and I didn’t?

And it makes the whole Romeo and Juliet thing more confusing.

Did I wish I was kissing James Tyler, or Ashleigh Blake?

I feel like I’ve opened my eyes to a side

of myself that’s always been there but I didn’t see clearly.”

Mariah weighs her words for a moment then takes a slow breath. “I’m glad I could help you... see this side of yourself.”

“What I’m trying to say is, what we had will always be special. I found a part of myself through you.” I swallow a lump forming

in my throat. “I hope we can still keep in touch. Stay friends.”

Mariah nods, dropping her gaze to the floor. “Stay friends.”

“But I don’t want to talk about that anymore,” I say, taking her chin and tilting it back up so she looks in my eyes. “It’s

our last night together, and I don’t want to think about the future. About you leaving...” About you choosing your job over me... “I just want it to be us.”

Mariah nods, then takes a moment to think. “Since you’ve been honest with me, it’s only fair I’m honest with you. I want you

to know...” She closes her eyes, steeling herself.

I swallow hard and wait with bated breath, my heart pounding in my ears, hoping she’ll say what I think she’s going to say

so I can say it back. Hoping she will choose me , for once in my life.

Please, please choose me.

After what feels like the longest moment in my life, she opens her eyes once more. “You’re just a really great person,” Mariah

says finally. “And I’m so lucky to have met you. And I’m really proud of you. And I can’t wait to watch every single Christmas

movie you work on.”

I manage a smile, glad to hear what she wanted to tell me, but disappointed it didn’t include the words I wanted to hear most.

Reaching up, I caress her cheek while Mariah leans into my hand. “I can’t wait to be kept awake all night with nightmares

after watching all the movies you get to work on, too.”

Mariah laughs. “Promise me if you do, you’ll call me? And I’ll tell you how I did it so you won’t be scared anymore?”

“Maybe we can FaceTime while I watch so it’s like you’re right there with me.”

Her eyes twinkle. “I’d love that. And I’ll FaceTime you for yours so you can fill me in on all the behind-the-scenes shenanigans.

Like with the reindeer catastrophe on that one film you did.”

I giggle. “I’m not sure if I can ever top that level of drama, but I’ll try.”

The giggles and smiles subside, leaving behind a gnawing ache in the pit of my stomach, an acute awareness warning me that

plans to stay connected don’t work out over such long distances and with short-lived friendships. Everything we are, everything

we could be, ends tomorrow.

But we have tonight.

I don’t waste another second of it.

My lips find hers just as she reaches toward me, the softness of her mouth juxtaposed with the hard intensity of our mutual

need for one another. Lips and tongues dance as our hands move over one another’s bodies, as if trying to memorize every crevice

and dimple. My fingers lift the hem of Mariah’s shirt, and I peel it off her. Mariah lifts her arms and parts from me a moment

so I can make her bare before me, reveal her beautiful full breasts displayed within her teal lace bra. I kiss them both,

then press my face between them as she holds me, kissing the top of my head.

Mariah pushes me back so she can do the same for me, trailing a line of kisses up every inch of skin she reveals while lifting my shirt, pausing over the hard, raised bumps of my nipples in my sheer bralette.

We press close together once more, skin on skin, continuing our soft, slow kissing. I unclasp her bra, letting the straps

slide down her arms. She pulls my bralette over my head.

We kiss our way to the bedroom and sit on the edge of the bed as our hands explore, memorizing every inch of each other. I

lean Mariah back and kiss my way down her belly and she sighs with contentment as her hands stroke my hair.

I pull Mariah’s tight pants off, leaving just her panties on, which match her bra—because of course she coordinates her underwear.

I stroke her soft skin, admiring her, memorizing her, before my lips find their way down to where her legs part. I kiss her

over her underwear, inhaling her scent, savouring it. I peel them down and kiss the top of her mound, then continue kissing

down her legs to her feet, where I plant another kiss on the insole of her left foot. My hands caress her thick calves, then

back to her thighs, where I settle in between them.

“I’m going to miss this,” I murmur before tonguing her softly. My fingers, tongue, and lips work in unison without me having

to think about what to do next. Our bodies sync up, me understanding what she needs just from listening and feeling for her.

Moments later Mariah’s body coils and tenses around me, she makes the most beautiful sounds in the world and comes so sweetly,

unravelling before me. I feel blessed to bear witness to something so pure, primal, and raw.

When she finishes, Mariah pulls me up and cradles me against her breasts. I tuck my face into her neck and hold her tight.

After a few seconds she begins to shiver, and we pull the blankets over us, pretending we’re the only two people in the entire

world. Maybe I wish we were. We tangle up in one another again, rocking our hips together as we kiss slowly and softly, simply

enjoying each other’s touch, trying to soak up every last second of it before it comes to an end.

Our kissing becomes more intense, fervent, and Mariah leans me onto my back. She strokes the side of my breast as she lifts herself to look into my eyes. “Can I please kiss you?”

I understand what she means when she glances down the bed. My body immediately tenses, and she responds by kissing my neck.

“Don’t think about trying to get anywhere. There is no plan, no end goal, no destination. It’s just you and me. And when you’ve

had enough, I’ll stop.” She lowers her mouth and whispers in my ear, “But I’d love to kiss you everywhere.”

Exhaling slowly, I give her an almost imperceptible nod. Mariah doesn’t move from where she is, continuing to kiss my neck,

to suck on my earlobe, as her hand slowly works its way down until she’s cupping me. That’s all she does, simply holds me,

and I can feel my body begin to soften at her touch.

“Close your eyes,” she whispers, and I oblige. Every nerve ending is heightened, and I feel surrounded by her, enveloped by

her, acutely aware of every square inch our bodies are touching.

Mariah takes her time moving down my body, pausing to lick along both of my collarbones, to suck each of my breasts into her

mouth, and then lower, to the jut of my hipbones and the hollow of my pelvis. By the time she arrives lower I feel as though

I’m half-conscious in an erotic, meditative trance, and I wouldn’t be surprised if I wake up in a minute and this will all

have been an intensely sexy dream.

With every bit of care she’s had for the rest of my body, Mariah takes my centre gently, stroking and licking my labia, sucking

on my clit, until she deftly brings two fingers just inside, curling them up and massaging. I know she told me we’re not on

a journey, but that’s exactly how I feel, like I’m being expertly led along a pathway and Mariah is my guide. It’s like she’s

holding my hand, and I’m safe and I’m loved and I know everything will be okay.

My body relaxes around her, opening for her, and as it does, I feel myself begin to quicken. I don’t stop to analyze these new sensations, to understand what’s going on—I simply let myself be here with her.

Mariah’s fingers go deeper, pressing firmer, her tongue matching the intensity. My breath becomes bated, then ragged. I feel

myself aching, then throbbing, and suddenly the path is a mountain and we’re climbing it together, and now my breath is short

gasps and my whole body tenses, tenses, tenses...

And explodes, releasing in a dizzying wave, cascading through my entire being in tingles and rushes. I don’t know what sounds

I’m making, and I don’t even care, I’ve never cared less about anything in my entire life. Mariah is right there with me for

every second of it, holding me and guiding me, until I float back down to earth.

Mariah comes up beside me just as I begin to shiver. She pulls the blanket onto us and tucks my face into her neck. The shivers

are so intense I feel as though I’m convulsing, and after a few seconds something in me breaks.

I cry.

She holds me tightly, cradling my head in her arms, and I can’t do anything but weep against her. For a while she just holds

me and rocks me gently, until the tears begin to dry and I can breathe again.

“Why am I crying?” I manage to sniffle.

She kisses my forehead. “Sometimes you cry after a really good orgasm.”

“So that’s what that feels like.”

I can feel her smile against me. “Not all of them are that intense, but yeah. Welcome to the club.”

I lift off her and wipe away my tears so I can look into her eyes. She tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. We gaze at each

other a long, heavy moment. Those three little words come back to me, caught somewhere between my heart and my throat. I swallow

them down, not wanting to pressure her into saying something she might not mean. Instead, I say, “Thank you.”

She shakes her head. “No. Thank you .”

We snuggle back into one another’s embrace, our fingers entwined, matching x and o bracelets side by side. When sleep overtakes us, I don’t dream, because even my subconscious knows a dream could never be

better than this, right here, right now, in her arms.