Page 7 of Hidden Vows (Love in Ashford Falls #3)

five

JUDE

“Any updates?” At the sound of the deep voice, I lift my head to see who’s come to visit my dad now.

I’d forgotten truly how small Ashford Falls was until yesterday afternoon. I got maybe twenty minutes alone with Dad after Abbey and everyone left before others started showing up. And somehow, even though the doctor said it was immediate family only, they still appeared at the door.

It was nice seeing some of the faces, especially Nick and Laura, Gage’s parents.

I was a little surprised to see them so together, considering the last time I saw them, Laura was married to her second husband, and Nick had only just divorced his third wife.

But then again, a lot can change when you avoid your hometown like the plague and refuse to be filled in on what’s happening from the one person you keep in contact with.

It was strange seeing some other faces, though. When I left, there were people who stayed far away from anyone with the last name Murphy, only stepping into the bar because they wanted a drink and couldn’t get it anywhere else.

I never got the full story, but I know it had something to do with my grandparents and the founding family of Ashford Falls.

My dad always said it was a big misunderstanding that people refused to acknowledge.

Even when the Ashfords moved away—long before I was born—people still avoided us outside the walls of Murphy’s.

But I guess this was another thing that changed over the last seventeen years, because people I swore would be glad to see my father laying in a hospital bed showed up with genuine sympathy on their faces.

This time, it’s Gage at the door, dressed casually. He’s by himself today, and I wonder if he’s technically on duty since his badge is clipped to his belt.

“Nothing new since my last text. They’re keeping him sedated and monitoring the swelling in his brain.” I stand, stretching slightly before moving to the window overlooking the parking lot.

“Did you get any rest last night?” Gage asks, taking a spot at my side.

“They brought a cot in for me, but I didn’t really sleep.”

We’re both quiet for a few minutes. I have a feeling Gage wants to ask me about yesterday with Abbey, but I honestly don’t know what to say. I always knew I loved Abbey, and I knew that love would never go away.

I guess I assumed I could handle it like everything else in my life—leave it in its designated box, buried deep, with no plans to resurrect it. But seeing her yesterday changed everything.

Abbey was never to blame for what happened seventeen years ago.

It was entirely my fault, and if I’d been a big enough person to admit I didn’t know what to do…

if I’d just talked to Abbey and my dad, things would be different.

But then again, there’s no way to know what that “different” would look like.

No matter how much I want to hope otherwise, Abbey and I still might not have made it.

People change—or at least they should.

What’s to say, our being together wouldn’t have stunted that change? Of course, what’s to say we wouldn’t have pushed each other to be the best version of ourselves?

But that’s the point. We’ll never know what the future could have been if we made different choices. We can only live in the present. And I might not know how Abbey has changed since I last spoke to her, but I know I want to find out.

“Do you know if Dad has any tenants in the apartment above the bar right now?”

“Oh. Uh. No. I don’t think so.” He swallows audibly before turning to face me. “But are you sure that’s where you want to stay? I’m pretty sure it’s completely empty.”

“Yeah. I don’t know how long I’ll be staying in town.” And I’m not ready to stay in my father’s house without him. That might make it a little too real that there’s a possibility he won’t wake up from this.

“All right.” Gage’s eyes shift to look at my father in his bed for a moment, clearly thinking about something before he looks back to me. “I realize we haven’t spoken in a really long time, but you’ve always been one who likes it told to them straight, so I’m just going to say it like it is.”

“Okay.” I shift, turning to face him head-on, banding my arms across my chest as if preparing to take a hit. It might not be a physical blow, but based on the look in Gage’s eye, it’s going to be an emotional one.

“Abbey lives in the apartment above the bookstore, the bookstore right next to the bar. The same apartment right across the hall from the one you’re asking about.”

Well, I didn’t see that one coming .

Gage releases a heavy sigh, his eyes bouncing between mine. I don’t move, preparing for the next hit.

“Look, I don’t know what happened between you and Abbey.

I honestly don’t think there’s a single person in this world who knows other than you two.

But I saw the aftermath, and it wasn’t pretty.

” His head shifts, turning to look out the window.

“Abbey lost a lot more than you when you left, and it took her a long time to find any kind of peace again.” When he turns back to look at me, there’s nothing but concern in his eyes.

“I obviously didn’t see you after it happened, but I know how much you loved her.

And if that look on your face yesterday told me anything, you still do. ”

“Gage—”

“All I’m saying,” Gage interrupts, “is that I don’t want to see either of you hurt.”

I don’t know what to say, so instead of saying anything, I give him a terse nod and turn back to the window.

I’m not naive enough to think Abbey was okay after I left, but hearing the words out loud…makes it real. It makes it hurt just a little bit more, knowing the pain I caused her.

Everything I did was with the hope she’d still have her friends and family to lean on when I left.

That she’d have the support of this town to help her bear the weight of everything.

But I should’ve known Abbey better. She was never going to tell anyone what happened between us.

She never would’ve wanted to keep me from returning home if that’s what I wanted.

She never would’ve wanted my father to look at me any differently.

On that thought, I can’t help but look back at my dad, still so small in his hospital bed.

My dad will always love me, no matter what I do.

He’s loved me all these years, through all the missed holidays and canceled trips, through all the letdowns and unanswered questions.

But if he knew what happened seventeen years ago, he wouldn’t look at me the same way.

That pride Ava spoke about yesterday would have chinks in it.

His faith in me would’ve wavered, and I never would’ve been able to live with that.

The fact that Abbey had every right to destroy that faith and devotion but chose not to…

it proves how strong she is—how good she is.

Her goodness was always the thing I loved most about her.

Her brightness and ability to find the best in people and any situation—if she lost that because of what I did, I’ll never forgive myself.

“Is she happy?” The words are so soft I wonder if Gage heard me, but when he answers I swear my heart stops beating.

It’s later than I planned when I finally make it up the stairs to the apartment above the bar, my duffle and laptop bag thrown over one shoulder and an air mattress tucked under my other arm.

Gage warned me that the place was probably a mess, but I wasn’t expecting it to be as bad as it is. It may be completely empty of furniture, but since no one’s been up here in who knows how long, there’s a thick layer of dust coating every inch of the place.

Dropping my things in the hall, I step inside.

Nothing’s changed about this place. It’s a predominantly open living space.

The only areas behind closed doors being the bedroom and bathroom.

The kitchen is directly to the left, the counters running in an L-shape along the walls with a small island in the middle.

In the back left corner is the space typically meant for a dining table.

In front of me, the area for a living room, and to the right the doors that lead to the bedroom and bathroom.

A wave of nostalgia washes over me, the memories of playing in here as a kid while my dad worked down in the bar, of Abbey and I moving in after we were married, of the happy moments we had in the brief months we lived here, of the night I ruined everything.

I want so badly to only hold on to the good memories of this place, but it’s the painful ones that take center stage. And the reality is, I wouldn’t be who I am today without all of those memories flooding my system.

I close my eyes and take a second to center myself. Letting my mind run wild won’t do me any good.

Resigned to the fact that I’ll need to get rid of at least some of this dust before I can sleep, I head back down the stairs to grab some cleaning supplies from the bar.

Stepping into the bar has its own wave of nostalgia washing over me. Only this time, nothing negative shows its ugly face. All my memories of this place revolve around my father and grandfather, two of the best men I’ve ever known.

My grandfather immigrated to the United States from Ireland in 1960, shortly after marrying my grandmother. They didn’t have a plan when they arrived, but since neither of them had families of their own at that point, they thought it’d be an adventure.

They landed in New York and quickly decided city life wasn’t for them, but they thought it’d be fun to hit the road to see the country as a whole before deciding where they wanted to settle.

Driving through Ashford Falls was a complete accident after getting lost on their way to Washington, DC.

But once they saw this little town, they knew it was meant to be their home.

Owning this bar had always been their dream, and my grandparents worked hard to make it a reality. Opening its doors in 1965 became the proudest moment of my grandfather’s life until he welcomed his son into the world a year later.

Even through significant moments of loss and grief throughout all our lives, this bar stood tall, forever their safe space. The joy and pride they both took in running Murphy’s will always be the first thing I think of when I step through these doors.

There’s a warmth that rushes over a person when they step through these doors, and that’s because of the environment my family built with this place. Keeping the doors open was always one of the most important things to both of them, right behind their family.

No matter how long it’s been, it still feels like coming home, and I can’t help the small smile that grows. Nothing about this place has changed, and yet it still looks new.

I only give myself a second to look around before searching for the cleaning supplies—something I find quickly enough in the supply closet back in the kitchen.

Grabbing a bucket, I toss a sponge, paper towels, and some cleaning solution in before grabbing the mop and trudging back up the stairs to the apartment.

I’m almost to my apartment when I hear the door from outside open. I freeze, knowing there’s likely only one person about to come up those stairs behind me.

The bookstore and the bar are technically in the same building, along with a couple other storefronts on this side of Main Street, but the second floor is split in half, with two apartments in each half.

Unless Gage decided to help me get this apartment set up, it’s most likely Abbey coming up those steps, and no matter how much I want to see her, I’m pretty confident she doesn’t want to see me.

Just as I finally get my feet to start working again, I hear her steps falter behind me.

“What are you doing here?” Her tone isn’t harsh. It’s cautious, something she’s never been with me, not even when we first met, and it tears a little piece of my heart knowing I’m the one that did this to us.

I turn to face her, giving her the truth because Abbey deserves nothing but the truth from me. “I wasn’t ready to go to my dad’s place without him. It makes the situation a little too real, like I’m preparing to say goodbye to him, and I can’t do that right now.”

Abbey’s eyes move to her door, and I see her visibly swallow before she looks at me again. “Any changes since yesterday?”

“No, they’re still monitoring the swelling and keeping him under.

Dr. Winters thought it would be better if I left the hospital for a bit, got some rest in a real bed instead of a cot in Dad’s room.

” I watch Abbey’s eyes track to the air mattress on the floor by my feet and offer a rueful smile when they come back to mine.

“Yeah, so, that’s not a real bed either. ”

Abbey doesn’t say anything. I’m not surprised, but I’m also desperate to hear her voice more. I’ve gone so long without it; now that I’ve heard it again, I can’t get enough.

She shifts uncomfortably where she stands, and I desperately search for something to say that will keep her here a little bit longer.

It’s not fair of me, especially seeing her discomfort, but I can’t stop myself.

And that’s when my eyes land on the book she’s holding, The Silent Promise by AJ Doherty.

“I didn’t think that book was out yet.” I gesture to the book in question, my eyes moving back to hers.

“Oh, yeah. Perks of being a bookstore manager. We can request early copies of books we plan on stocking to blurb them in the store.” She shrugs, but I see a spark of excitement in her eye .

“You’re a fan of AJ Doherty?”

“Oh god, yes. This man knows how to suck you in and keep you guessing until the very last moment. His twists always blow me away, and his characters are so complex. Even the characters I’m supposed to hate tend to tug at my heartstrings a bit.

Of course, I never realize I’m supposed to hate them until the end, so maybe that has a bit to do with it too. ”

I force the smile tugging at the corners of my lips away, but I love that Abbey went on a little tangent with me. “A fan of thrillers, I don’t think I would’ve guessed that one.”

And just like that, the moment is broken.

Abbey’s spine straightens. “Well, a lot can change after almost two decades.” She doesn’t look over her shoulder as she opens her door, but that doesn’t stop her next words from hitting their target. “I’m sure I don’t know the first thing about you anymore either.”