Page 31 of Hidden Vows (Love in Ashford Falls #3)

twenty-three

JUDE

She’s not going to answer. I know it, but that doesn’t stop me from knocking anyway.

“Abs, talk to me,” I beg, resting my forehead against her door.

It’s been seven days since that night in my apartment, and maybe I should be giving her space to come to me when she’s ready, but I just don’t have it in me—not after all this time away from her.

Not after how it ended.

Being with Abbey was always amazing. Even when we were bumbling teens with absolutely no idea what we were doing.

Learning and growing with Abbey created a connection I’ve never had with anyone else.

And even though it’s been seventeen years since we were last together, Friday night felt like we were on a path to something truly transcendent.

Not a single part of me has thought of walking away from Abbey since I came home, but after that night—after remembering what it’s like to be pressed against her, to have her pressed against me—there’s nothing anyone or anything can do to take me away from her.

The only way I leave is if Abbey tells me to .

“Abbey, please open the door,” I plead. “You can’t avoid me forever. I won’t let you.” I wait a few minutes, listening for any sounds on the other side of her door but hear nothing.

I know she’s here. I heard her come home for the first time all week a few minutes ago. She probably thought I was down in the bar and wouldn’t know she was home, but fortunately for me, I’ve hired help and don’t need to be there every minute it’s open anymore.

I’ve been so absent from the bar all week, Gage, Caleb, and Declan all showed up at my door at different times wondering what was going on.

I couldn’t keep it from them, what happened seventeen years ago.

I didn’t tell them everything—Abbey deserves to be the first person to hear the full story—but I told them enough to understand why I was even more of a broody ass then normal.

“Mo ghrá,” I choke out. “I’m not gonna leave until you talk to me.”

I lift my head, my eyes catching on my left hand resting against the door. The word tattooed across my knuckles steals my attention and I’m instantly taken back to the day I decided to get those letters permanently inked on my skin.

It was my first tattoo and the artist tried like hell to convince me to start with something else.

Hand tattoos fade the fastest and often have to be touched up.

A lot of tattoo artists won’t even bother with hand tattoos, but I was adamant.

I needed the reminder of everything I left behind only three months before.

I needed to see it on a daily basis, and the Gaelic word fit perfectly.

Four letters, a connection to the heritage my father always took great pride in, and a reminder of what I left in Ashford Falls.

ANAM .

Soul .

“Abbey.” I pause, listening for anything, and this time I hear the faintest shuffle behind the door.

I don’t let the fact the door isn’t opening stop me from finally speaking the words I’ve bottled up for so long.

“I want to say I’d take it all back if I could, but I wonder where we’d be—who we’d be—if we hadn’t spent at least some time apart.

I’ve loved you my whole life, Abbey. That has never changed and it never will.

” The sound of the lock turning stops me, but when the door stays closed I continue.

“I hate that it’s been so long since I’ve seen you and heard your voice. I hate that I don’t know every tiny facet of your life over those years, and if I could take that back without losing all the growth both of us have had, I would—in a heartbeat.”

It’s silent on the other side of the door, but there’s something in my gut telling me she’s still there. She’s still listening.

“Abbey. Open the door. Let’s talk about it.”

I don’t hear anything, but the door stays closed for so long I think she might really be telling me it’s done. I know she felt what I did Friday night, but maybe too much time has passed. Maybe we’ve grown apart more than I thought. Maybe everything we felt was just leftovers from our time before.

Maybe it was the final piece of closure Abbey needed.

I don’t want to believe it, but I can’t deny that it’s a possibility.

Then I hear the sound of metal slowly shifting and my eyes fly to the doorknob as it turns.

Abbey stands there, her hair in a messy knot on top of her head, still in the dusty, paint covered overalls she always wears while working in the bookstore, with eyes red and puffy—likely from crying.

Even in the picture of mess and sadness, she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.

I don’t let her say anything before I pull her into me, my arms wrapping around her as I simply hold her.

It’s the feel of her arms winding around me and gripping the back of my shirt so tight I think she might tear it that tells me everything will be okay.

We still have a lot to talk about and work through, but I know all those thoughts that just raced through my head are wrong.

Abbey’s not trying to move on from us either.

I don’t know how long we stand here holding each other, but I won’t be the one to pull away first. I’ll stand here for the rest of my life if that’s what she needs. It’s the sound of the door at the bottom of the stairs leading up to our apartments that has us slipping away from each other.

My eyes don’t travel to the stairs as I hear the footsteps moving closer. My gaze stays trained on Abbey, which is why I see the exact moment her entire body goes still when the voice calls up the stairs.

I don’t know what I expected. I guess I assumed I’d know the person showing up at our doors at ten o’clock on a Tuesday night, but the voice that sounds is not one I recognize.

“Abbey! You home? I know it’s late, but I was passing through and thought I’d stop by.”

It’s subtle, but her eyes go wide for a moment before she wipes quickly at her cheeks, her eyes bouncing between mine and the stairs behind me. Whoever it is has her nervous.

“Hey.” The voice is quieter now, and maybe a little surprised to find someone else standing here with Abbey, but that doesn’t stop the man from stepping around me to place a kiss to Abbey’s cheek. “I’m glad you’re still up.”

There are so many reasons for me to hate this man. Not only did he brush past me like I wasn’t just in Abbey’s space, but his lips were centimeters from my wife’s lips.

“Chuck, what are you doing here?” Abbey asks, pushing him away.

“I missed you, and I figured since I haven’t seen you in a while…” Hi s words trail off as he offers her a crooked smile and steps back into her space, bringing his hand to her waist in a possessive hold.

And then it clicks. These two are together, and I’m the one in the way here.

Without waiting to see where this goes, I spin on my heels and rush down the stairs—away from the love of my life with another man.

“Jude, wait!” Abbey hollers after me, but I don’t slow down. “Chuck, I need you to go.”

I hear her door slam and hurried steps rushing down the stairs, but I can’t stop moving.

I don’t know why I’m so surprised, but I am.

I’m also hurt. Abbey has every right to do whatever she wants with her life, but the idea that she could be with someone else is like a pain I’ve never experienced before—not even when I ruined everything all those years ago.

“Jude, please!” Abbey catches up to me, grabbing my arm and tugging. “Stop, please. Talk to me,” she begs.

“There’s nothing to talk about.” I stop walking, but don’t turn around. I can’t bring myself to look at her.

Those words aren’t fair, especially when all I’ve wanted since I came home was for Abbey to listen to me. And now, when she wants the same from me, I can’t give it to her.

“Clearly, there is.” She steps around me, forcing my eyes to meet hers. “Jude,” she whispers. “You can’t seriously tell me you thought I’d never be with someone else for the rest of my life.”

“Why not? I haven’t been.”

“What?” She stumbles back, shocked by my words. Honestly, so am I.

It’s another unfair statement to make. I may have been celibate for the last seventeen years, but I never thought or wanted Abbey to be alone.

I always wished and hoped she found someone else to be happy with.

Abbey deserves to spend her life with someone.

To have a family with someone. I just never wanted to witness it.

“There’s been no one. I’ve only ever been with you,” I whisper.

Her mouth opens and closes, her head moving back and forth so minutely it’d be easy to miss. “What do you mean?” she breathes out. “That can’t be right.” Her eyes fill with tears, and all the fight and anger falls away.

“I never cheated on you, Abbey. You said it yourself. I lied to you, I just didn’t know how else to get you to hear me.” Not when I’d been telling her for days that we needed to end things. That I wasn’t good enough for her.

“If it was a lie back then, how can I believe you now?” she whispers.

Through the tears I see the hope in her eyes. She wants the truth, and I want to give it to her, but I know it’s going to hurt her, and I hate that I’ll be the person causing her pain yet again.

“Are you ready to hear it? All of it?”

Her breath stutters as she prepares herself. She doesn’t need to know the specifics to know this is going to change her. And change, no matter what kind, is scary.

“Yeah, I want to know. I need to know.”

The door behind us—the one leading up to our apartments—opens, and I don’t have to turn around to know it’s Chuck finally listening to what Abbey shouted at him before she came running after me.

Abbey wipes her cheeks, her eyes trained on me for another moment before she looks over my shoulder.

“Everything okay here?” Chuck asks. I feel his presence behind me, but I can’t bring myself to look at him. Hearing the protective bite to his words already has me on edge. I hate the jealousy coursing through me, but I never wanted protecting Abbey to be anyone’s job but mine.

“Yeah, everything’s fine.” Abbey glances at me quickly before looking back at Chuck. “This is Jude.”

I don’t need to see his face to know he understands exactly who I am to Abbey. The quick intake of breath and the lack of any other explanation is enough for me to know Abbey has shared exactly who I am.

“Got it. I guess I’ll be leaving then.” Chuck steps around me, his hand moving to her waist as he presses a kiss to her cheek again. “Have a good life, Abbey. You deserve it.” The words are said so quietly I know I wasn’t meant to hear them. The quick understanding makes it hard for me to hate him.

Without waiting for Abbey to say anything Chuck walks away, leaving Abbey and me staring at each other.

“Do you want to come up to my apartment so we can talk?” Abbey asks, her voice still choked with tears.

“Yeah,” I murmur, reaching out to wipe the lone tear that slips free. I don’t know if it’s intentional, but she leans into my touch, her eyes closing as if savoring the feel.

It’s a moment before she opens her eyes and takes my hand, leading me back into the building.

We’re quiet as we make our way up the stairs and into her apartment.

The warmth and feeling of home the second I step through the door is just as powerful tonight as it was the first time, and it doesn’t shock me in the slightest that I feel comfortable in Abbey’s space.

“I want to make it clear that Chuck and I aren’t in a relationship. I don’t know if that makes it better or worse, but I don’t want you to think that what almost happened last week?—”

“Abbey, you don’t have to explain it to me,” I interrupt. “I know I didn’t react well, but we’re divorced, you have every right to live your life however you want.”

“I know, but?—”

“Abs,” I plead. The fact that she stops and knows exactly what I mean from her name alone is evidence enough how well we still know each other.

“Okay. Then let’s start at the beginning. What really happened?”