Page 41 of Hidden Vows (Love in Ashford Falls #3)

thirty-two

ABBEY

A sound from the front of the store draws me out of the kitchen where I’ve been testing out different recipes for the opening next week.

I know there’s still a lot for me to organize and set up, but most of the books have been unpacked and I couldn’t wait to play in my brand new commercial-grade kitchen.

It’s quite literally my dream come true.

As I step out into the store, I immediately hear someone knocking at the door, and the longer it goes, the louder it becomes.

I haven’t removed the paper from the front windows and door yet, wanting to keep everything about this place a secret until the very last moment, and being here alone makes me quite nervous to open the door.

I’m well aware I live in a small town where I know almost everyone, but I’m still a woman living in a world that constantly teaches us to be cautious, and opening that door goes against every instinct I have.

I contemplate calling Jude, who I know is in the bar helping Jane with the morning delivery, but as I’m turning to go back to the kitchen for my phone, the person on the other side of the door calls for me.

“Abbey, I know you’re in there. Jude told me when I knocked at your apartment.”

The sound of Emily’s muffled voice instantly calms me, and I rush to unlock and open the door. “Hey, what are you doing here? I thought you worked today.”

“I do, but I’ve got about an hour before my shift starts. I figured I could stop by and help for a bit.” Her gaze drifts around the space, and while the act on its own isn’t alarming since so much has changed since she’s been here, the tension pouring off her is.

“You thought you’d stop by to help for…what? Fifteen minutes?” My brows pinch and my concern grows when she refuses to meet my eye.

Last I saw her was Friday night when everyone showed up to help move everything into the store, and as far as I know, everything was great.

We all had such a good time, laughing and goofing off.

It felt good to be with everyone, it felt like I had my family with me. The only person missing was Walt.

“Oh god! Did something happen to Walt?” I turn to run for the kitchen, wondering why Jude wouldn’t come get me if something happened.

“No!” Emily shouts. “Walt’s fine!”

Her eyes finally meet mine when I turn to look at her, but the way she bites her lip doesn’t help me feel better. “What is it? You’re freaking me out.” My arms band around my waist, holding myself tight against whatever Emily’s about to say.

“I got your lab results back.” My entire body tightens, preparing for something unimaginable, but her next words are out before I can say anything. “You’re pregnant.”

“No,” I refuse immediately. “I’m on birth control. I can’t be pregnant.”

I don’t know if I ever seriously thought about having a baby. In an obscure way I’ve always known it was something I wanted to do, but the older I’ve gotten the less likely I thought it was. No matter what, this wasn’t the way I imagined it happening.

“I can’t be pregnant,” I repeat. “There’s no way.”

“You never missed a pill?” Emily steps closer to me, her tone soft.

There’s no judgment, just support. When I don’t answer, she pushes gently.

“There’s been a lot going on in your life—problems with your dad, the bookstore, learning the truth about Jude.

It’d be understandable if you missed a day or two. ”

“No, I haven’t missed a pill,” I answer emphatically. “I was late taking a few, but I never missed one entirely.”

“Well, unfortunately, no form of birth control is completely effective. It’s rare, but even people who take the pill exactly like they’re supposed to can still end up pregnant.” She reaches for me, grasping my hand tight in hers. “You’re a special one, Abbey Selbey.”

I can’t be pregnant. Jude and I are only just starting to get our shit together. We’re just starting to get used to each other again.

So much about the last two weeks has felt easy and carefree, but there’s still so much to work through.

I know we’re both consciously trying to move forward.

Neither of us wants to forget the past, but we also can’t keep it in our back pocket, ready to throw it at the other person in a moment of anger.

That’s not what a relationship should be.

If I want a real future with him, I have to let go of the past.

My eyes dart to Emily’s and I feel the panic rising. My heart feels like it’s beating out of its chest. “I can’t be pregnant,” I whisper.

“Do you not want kids?”

“No, I do.” I shake my head, trying to clear my head, but I can’t and every random thought comes pouring out.

“Jude absolutely deserves to be a dad. He’d be an amazing dad.

I mean, look at his own father. But we’re just starting again.

I know it seems like we’re picking up where we left off, but it’s work.

I forgive him for what happened, but I still struggle with trusting him. ”

“Babe, no one would blame you for feeling a little uncertain. You lived almost half your life thinking the man cheated on you. It’ll take time to fully recover from that.”

Tears fill my eyes, and I have no way to put into words what I’m thinking or feeling. On one hand, I’m so incredibly nervous. Not just for what it means for mine and Jude’s relationship, but also for how he’ll react to the news. On the other hand, I couldn’t be happier.

I’m thirty-five years old. I know they don’t call it a geriatric pregnancy anymore, but that doesn’t negate the risks. I’d come to accept children wouldn’t be in my future. To be pregnant now, and by the man I’ve never stopped loving…that seems too good to be true.

“Abbey, I know it’s not what you would’ve planned for yourself, and maybe this looks nothing like you imagined, but it’s okay to be happy about it.” Her smile is soft and reassuring. “Two things can be true at once. You can be both scared and thrilled about this news.”

I nod, unable to form words with the lump in my throat, but I know Emily understands. She wraps her arms around me in a tight embrace, not letting me go until I loosen my arms from around her.

“You’ll keep this to yourself, right?” I pull away and wipe at my cheeks, my eyes meeting hers.

“Of course. Until you make the announcement, I know absolutely nothing.”

“Thank you,” I whisper, a small smile playing across my lips. “ I promise I won’t make you wait long. I just need to figure out how to tell Jude.”

“Don’t stress about me keeping this quiet. That’s the absolute last thing you need to worry about. Technically, you’re my patient. Telling anyone else would break HIPAA, and I’d never do that.”

I pull Emily into a hug once more before we say our goodbyes and she leaves for her shift at the hospital, leaving me to contemplate what my next move is going to be.

How the hell do I tell Jude?

“Mo ghrá,” Jude’s voice reaches me in the small office in the kitchen, and I take a deep breath before meeting him in the store.

I’ve thought about nothing else except the news Emily dropped on me this morning, and no matter how much I want this, I just don’t think Jude and I are ready for it.

Maybe that’s not fair.

I’m not ready for how this could change us.

After hours spent googling anything and everything I could think to ask, I’ve learned I know absolutely nothing about being pregnant, giving birth, or taking care of a baby.

I mean, I know exactly what day we conceived this baby, and yet, I’m somehow five weeks pregnant already.

How is that even possible when it was only two weeks ago Jude and I had sex for the first time in seventeen years?

If Emily had decided to do that cheek swab instead of the blood test, I wouldn’t even know.

Even if I thought pregnancy was a possibility, and I bought a home pregnancy test, it’s entirely possible that test would be negative right now.

And don’t even get me started on everything that happens to a woman’s body when she’s pregnant.

I know having a child is something I want, but I figured I’d have time to prepare for everything.

Getting pregnant was going to be a planned thing where I’d have all this time to figure out everything that entails.

I know I still have nine months to figure out the taking care of a baby and what happens during birth, but the pregnancy side? I’m all out of time.

“Hey, love. I know it’s Ashford Falls, but if you want to keep this place a secret until opening day, you should probably lock the door, especially when you’re in the back.

” Jude smiles, placing a hand on my hip and a kiss to my temple as he steps past me, toward the still swinging door.

“Something smells amazing! You working on recipes instead of unpacking today?” he teases, tossing a wink over his shoulder.

I force a laugh, trying desperately to keep my racing thoughts to myself and follow after him. “Yeah. But technically, I had to unpack and organize most of the kitchen before I could start baking. So it’s not like I’ve only been baking.”

“I’m not complaining. I’ve missed a lot of things over the last seventeen years, and your sweets are definitely high on the list.” His attention is drawn to the mess in the kitchen.

While the boxes are dismantled and piled in the corner, ready to be taken out to the dumpster, ingredients and bowls litter the counter tops.

And I know he’s wondering how I have so little to show for supposedly spending the entire day in the kitchen, when the only finished treat is the lemon bars Ava told me had to be on the menu for opening day.

“Why does that sound dirty?” I tease, trying to distract him from looking too close to what I’ve done today.

This man loves me and knows me better than anyone, even with so much time apart. The second he realizes how little I’ve actually accomplished today is the moment I have to make a decision—tell him about the pregnancy or lie to him.

Is it really a lie if I’m going to tell him eventually?

Waiting to tell him is just postponing the inevitable. Why am I waiting?

But then I think about all those tabs open on my computer—all the unknowns of what having a baby means for us.

Would having a baby change anything about our future?

I mean, I know having a baby changes practically everything, but the fundamentals of what we both want—will the news of this baby change that?

My eyes track Jude as he prowls toward me, a playful smile tugging at his lips. I’m so freaking nervous about this news dropped in my lap this morning, but when Jude looks at me like that—with so much love and desire—I can’t help but focus on only that.

Even with all the pain and heartache in our past, having Jude back in my life brings me so much joy. I’m not ready to dampen that.

I’ll tell him about the baby. Just not right now.