Page 25 of Hidden Vows (Love in Ashford Falls #3)

nineteen

ABBEY

“Jude’s been around a lot lately.” Ava falls onto the couch beside Quinn, passing her a beer bottle.

“Wait.” Quinn spins to look at me, her eyes wide. “I know I saw you two talking at the birthday party a few weeks ago, but I didn’t realize you were spending time together. What did I miss while I was on my honeymoon?”

The last I know is more rhetorical, but it still makes us chuckle. No matter what she might have missed here, her honeymoon was exactly what she needed and wanted it to be.

“We’re not spending time together. He’s just…” My words trail off and I have no idea how to finish that sentence.

Technically, we have been spending time together. If we’re not working on finding a nursing home for Walt, or he’s not at the bookstore helping out with the renovation, or I’m not at the bar helping wherever he needs it, then we’re generally in my apartment hanging out.

Not that these women know about that last part…

“I don’t know what’s going on.” I look down at the baby in my arms, avoiding the look I know Ava is throwing my way. She’s seen us together at the bookstore and Murphy’s a few times now .

I’m glad we decided to have a ladies’ night in at Emily and Caleb’s house—something we’ve started doing more often since Emily had Fiona—but right now, I wish their focus was on someone else.

I’m still so confused about what’s happening between Jude and me.

My heart and brain aren’t on the same page, and it’s more than frustrating.

How can my heart be open enough for Jude to sneak back in? When he left, it broke me. It’s melodramatic, but there were days I didn’t know how I’d survive them. Losing Jude wasn’t just losing my husband and a man I loved; he was my best friend—my everything.

Maybe that was too much pressure, and maybe that’s what led to our downfall.

“You know exactly what’s going on,” Ava says. “That man is trying to make you fall in love with him again.”

“Hold up. Someone has to fill me. I feel like I’m missing something.” Emily moves around the kitchen island, joining us in the living room and passing me the bottle she made for Fiona.

“You know what? I don’t think I know the full story either, and I lived in this town,” Quinn says.

“Well, be prepared. She’s not going to give anyone the full story. I already asked.” I swear I see Ava pout as she sinks back into the couch.

“There’s not much to tell.” My eyes stay trained on Fiona as she drinks her bottle, her little hand wrapped around my finger.

“Oh, now we all know that’s not true. Anyone watching you at the party could see there’s serious history between the two of you.” Emily scoffs.

“Fine. Jude was the love of my life, and he broke my heart,” I say in exasperation.

“Well, that’s a start, but it’s more than that.” Ava’s voice is much softer this time. “Abbey, if you don’t want to talk about it, we’ll respect that, but you don’t have to keep anything bottled up if you don’t want to. We’re family, and family is there for one another—no matter what.”

“Ava’s right. And believe me, we all understand the drive to keep things to ourselves.

” Quinn laughs softly, but I know she’s speaking from experience.

For three years, she held onto a secret that led her to abuse drugs and alcohol and living in fear that she was exactly like the mother who abandoned her.

“I don’t think I’ve ever realized how true that is.

What is it that drives us to hide from the people who care about us most?

” Emily asks, her eyes falling to Fiona.

“I’m sure it has something to do with fear of being judged or letting someone down, but if we really support one another, then there’s no judgment or disappointment.

” Emily leans over, stroking a hand over her daughter’s head.

“I hope this little girl never feels like she can’t come to me about something. ”

“Jude and I met when I was five and he was six,” I blurt, my eyes lifting to meet Emily’s. “We grew up together. We fell in love with each other and got married.”

“Wait, you got married? How did I not know that?” Quinn interrupts.

“Well, you were, what? Ten years old? I doubt that was something you paid attention to.”

“Sure, but this town loves to gossip, and the question of what happened between you and Jude was popular. How did no one ever talk about you two being married?”

“We didn’t tell anyone we were doing it, and then we only told Walt and my mom afterward.”

We never planned to make a big announcement about our marriage, but we never intended to keep it a secret either. We figured with the gossip mill in Ashford Falls, people would find out in a matter of weeks. I still don’t know how no one ever figured it out.

“You didn’t tell your dad?” Emily asks.

“No.” Fiona’s grip on my hand loosens and when I look down I see she’s fallen asleep. I put the bottle on the table next to me and settle into my seat to tell the story. “My dad never liked the idea of Jude and I together. It’s why we got married in secret.”

“I still don’t understand,” Quinn whispers.

“Honestly, I don’t understand either. I don’t know what my dad held against Jude. I know there was a history between Walt and my mom, but she always said they were only ever friends. Like Jude and me, the two of them grew up together.”

“You think Walt and your mom ever dated?” Ava asks.

“I guess it’s possible, but I don’t think my mom would’ve lied to me about it. She loved that Jude and I were so close. She was the one who made sure we stayed in each other’s lives after we first met—even if she and my dad fought about it.”

My mom and I had so many conversations about why Dad didn’t like Jude, and while I know she never told me the whole truth, she was adamant there wasn’t more to her and Walt.

I remember asking her once why she wouldn’t answer my questions directly, and she said she never wanted to influence my relationship with my dad. She wanted my relationship with him to be about the two of us and nothing else. Like outside influences might make me think differently.

She wouldn’t have been wrong. With Dad working in DC most of the time, our relationship was never the strongest, and it was easy for me to become upset with him because of that absence.

The more I think about it, the more I can’t help but wonder what kind of man that makes my father—if my mother felt she couldn’t speak candidly about him.

Two people in love should have kind things to say about the other person.

There should be some kind of emotion attached, but I can’t recall my mother ever talking about more than facts about my father.

It was always where he grew up, what he studied in school, what he did for a living, or who his family was.

She talked openly about when they met and how they fell in love, but she never spoke about anything that happened from the moment they found out she was pregnant with me.

The love they had for each other was still evident whenever they were together, not because of the way they couldn’t stand to be away from each other or always needed to be touching, but simply from the way they looked at each other.

It’s ironic that she didn’t want to say anything to influence my relationship with him. I think her lack of sharing anything meaningful about him still ended up impacting my relationship with him.

I still hated disappointing him, no matter how strained everything was between us.

“So you went against your dad’s wishes and married Jude, but when he found out, you did what he wanted and kept it secret?” Emily questions.

“Not exactly. My dad demanded we get the marriage annulled, and we refused.”

I still remember the look on his face when he came into the living room as Jude and I told my mom.

There were tears of joy in her eyes, but when Dad saw them the anger in his terrified me.

He immediately started demanding Jude leave and never return, shouting nonstop about how he always said Jude would cause us pain.

I tried to jump in, but it was Mom who got him to stop.

A simple touch of her hand to his arm and his focus immediately went to her.

She told him in her soft, calm manner about the wedding and how happy she was about it, how it was one of her greatest wishes come true. While Dad had calmed down considerably, it hadn’t stopped his demands for an annulment—demands we refused.

“We agreed not to make a big deal, but we told him we wouldn’t lie or stop living our lives the way we planned.”

“What did you have planned?” Emily asks.

“Honestly? Not much.” I laugh softly. “Jude was already working with his dad at the bar and knew that was what he wanted to continue doing. And I was enrolled to take a few classes at the community college starting that fall.” My eyes drift down to Fiona for a moment, watching her sleep peacefully.

“We moved into the apartment above the bar and went about our lives like nothing was different. And other than living in a new place and with the person I loved most in the world, nothing was different.”

“Until it was,” Quinn murmurs.

“Yeah, until everything changed,” I say, my eyes never leaving Fiona’s face.

I hear the shuffling of feet, but it’s not until I feel the hand resting on my knee that I lift my eyes to find Ava sitting on the floor before me. “Abbey, what happened?”

“I don’t know anymore,” I whisper, tears slipping out the corner of my eyes.

“What do you mean?” Quinn moves to the floor beside Ava, her hand resting on my arm.

“He told me he cheated on me.” It’s silent, the three of them staring at me in shock, and it takes me a minute before I can continue.

“He came home drunk one night not long after we were married. He was late and hadn’t told me where he was.

I’d been worried about him, and then he’d stumbled through the door, ranting about how my father was right and that we shouldn’t be together. ”

“Abbey,” Ava whispers, her thumb rubbing back and forth across my knee.

“I remember that night so vividly. Jude was usually such a happy drunk. He was a little handsy, but only ever with me. It was always so affectionate and loving, never overbearing or creepy. But that night, he rambled about my dad and how he wasn’t good enough for me.

He went on about how much he loved me but that he’d only cause me pain and heartache. ”

“When did you find out the truth about that night?” Emily asks quietly.

I shake my head, unable to form any words. According to Jude, it wasn’t only that night. That night was the start of many nights. “It was a few weeks later he told me about the affair.”

“It was more than once?” Quinn asks in bewilderment. “I never would’ve thought Jude capable of that,” she mumbles.

“He told me it started the night he came home drunk. He made it clear that sleeping with her wasn’t a result of the alcohol but that the alcohol was a result of the guilt he felt after sleeping with her. He said that while he felt ashamed, he couldn’t stop going back.”

“Abbey,” Ava chokes on a gasp.

It’s silent except for the tiny snores coming from the baby in my arms. When a tear lands on her soft cheek, I turn to Emily. “Can you take her? I don’t want to disturb her.”

Ava and Quinn shift, allowing Emily to step in and take Fiona from my arms. I try to stand from my seat, but Quinn stops me with a hand on my leg. “I don’t know what to say. I-I can’t believe he would do something like that.”

“I can’t believe he would show his face around you after doing something like that.” Ava scoffs .

“Walt means everything to Jude?—”

“That’s a little hard to believe since he’s never shown his face around town before now,” Emily mumbles.

“But he talks to Walt almost daily.” My eyes fall to Ava, remembering how I refused to tell her these details when she first asked five weeks ago.

“How can you be in the same room as him?” Her voice is laced with disbelief.

“I don’t know. He’s nothing like I remember him, not from those last few weeks.” My eyes fall closed as I picture him.

I remember the way he couldn’t look me in the eye when he told me about the affair and the way his voice was completely void of any emotion.

Now, though, he won’t stop looking me in the eye, and all I hear when he speaks is emotion.

“He’s tried to talk to me about all that happened back then, but I won’t let him,” I whisper, opening my eyes again.

“Why not?” Quinn asks.

“I’m afraid.”

“Of what?”

“Learning even more was a lie.”

“Abbey—”

“No,” I interrupt Ava. “Like I told Jude, I don’t want to focus on the past anymore.

I’ve let it run my life for too long. I just want to focus on my future.

” My eyes bounce between the three women, and while I don’t see pity in their eyes, I do see sadness.

“I don’t want you to treat Jude any differently now that you know. ”

“Abbey—”

“And I know it’s not fair of me to ask, but I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell the guys.

” In the silence between us the three of them share a look.

“Besides, none of us are the same people we were when we were nineteen. It’s not fair to assume Jude is either.

” Ava opens her mouth but snaps it shut quickly.

“He deserves to visit with his dad in peace, and if you won’t do it for Jude, do it for Walt. ”

“Oh, that’s just dirty.” Ava stands from her seat by my feet, moving back to the couch. “But for Walt, I’d do almost anything.”

“Thank you.”

She studies me for a moment, her eyes and face clearing before she speaks again. “If Gage asks, I’ll tell him you’ve asked to keep it between us. I’m sure he’ll respect that, but I won’t lie to him.”

“I can respect that,” I tell her.

Quinn and Emily agree to do the same as Ava, and slowly the three of them move on to happier subjects, but I can’t focus on them to save my life.

Quinn is right. Even having experienced that night and those weeks after, I can’t fathom Jude cheating on me. He’d hurt himself before he hurt me. But then, why would he lie about something like that? And why is it only now that I’m realizing it?