Page 29 of Hidden Vows (Love in Ashford Falls #3)

twenty-two

ABBEY

Avoiding Jude is harder than I thought.

It took him over an hour to finally walk away from my door that night. And I imagine, if he knew I planned on sneaking out, he would’ve sat there all night.

Friday night was a mess of things I didn’t plan—knocking on his door, kissing him, almost sleeping with him, running to my dad’s house. None of it was planned and most of it wasn’t what I wanted.

I knocked on Jude’s door needing to know the truth, needing to know if I was right about the lies, but knowing the truth was going to change everything.

There aren’t many people in the world who aren’t afraid of change.

People might be open to change and they might embrace it, but I don’t believe there isn’t a single part of them that isn’t afraid of change.

Seeing his tattoos, seeing our story play out across his skin, it struck something in my soul and I couldn’t follow through. Not without knowing the complete truth.

Should I have stayed and talked to him like the adult I am?

More than anything, I wish I had. But I think I also needed these days surrounded by the home I was raised in.

If there was ever any doubt whether or not my parents loved each other, it’s all thrown out the window when I walk through the doors.

The house still has all the touches of my mother.

And the pictures lining the wall and mantel are a testament to the good times the three of us had.

I don’t understand it, especially when my mom so often refused to talk about my dad, but there was something the two of them shared that no one could damage, even Mom’s relationship with Walt.

My dad and I may not be close, but he’s the only family I have, and family has always meant something to me.

It’s always been important. I know my father has many faults—he’s not perfect and he’s made plenty of mistakes—but he’s always taken care of me.

He may push me in ways I don’t agree with and he may be distant, but he loves me.

None of that changes the fact that he likely played an integral role in the dissolution of my marriage. And running to his house—even though I’m surrounded by my mom too—was the last thing I wanted to do. But I also knew it was the last place Jude would look for me.

Growing up, the only time Jude ever came to my childhood home was for our joint birthday party every year—not that it was ever planned as a joint birthday party. My father barely tolerated the presence of Jude and Walt at those parties. It was all Mom’s doing that got them through the door.

It wasn’t a stretch to think Jude still wouldn’t want to show up on this doorstep if he thought he might run into my dad. Of course, seeing the changes in Jude—seeing how the last seventeen years have shaped him—I can’t really say what he’d do anymore.

He’s been fighting for me in little ways since he came home. Quietly showing up every day to support me in whatever I’m doing and gently pushing me to open myself back up to him .

Ava wasn’t wrong. Jude has been around a lot and I’ve liked having him around. I want him to keep being around.

And yet…

I’m hiding out at my dad’s so Jude can’t corner me at home. I’m keeping the bookstore door locked so he can’t come in to help me. And I’m avoiding visiting Walt in case Jude’s there spending time with his dad.

I’m such a coward.

The sound of a key in the lock makes me jump and the refrigerator door slams shut as I spin to the back door, my father’s brows pinching at the sight of me standing here.

“Abbey. I wasn’t expecting you to be here. Is everything okay?” he asks as he wheels his suitcase further into the kitchen, the door closing behind him.

“Oh, yeah. I just wanted to stop by and make sure everything was all right.” I step up to the kitchen island, toying with a dish towel lying next to the mess I’ve yet to clean up from the cookies now baking in the oven.

My dad lifts one brow, not believing me for a second. There’s no way I would be making cookies in his kitchen if I was only stopping by.

“I needed a break from all the construction going on at the bookstore. I figured since you were out of town it wouldn’t be a big deal.” I avoid looking at him as I start gathering the dirty dishes and walking them to the sink.

“You know you’re always welcome here.” I still don’t look at him, but I hear him moving closer to me. “This will always be your home,” he says before pressing a kiss to the top of my head.

It’s little moments like these that make it hard to accept what he might have done. That make it hard to accept that in order to truly move forward with Jude, I have to hear the truth. And hearing the truth could destroy everything that exists between my dad and I—no matter how strained it is.

Dad picks up the pile of mail from the counter near us but he doesn’t look at it. From the corner of my eye I see him study me. The silence between us is filled with tension, something that doesn’t typically exist around us.

“What’s going on, Abbey?” He puts the mail back down where he found it, his attention entirely focused on me.

If I ask him point blank if he threatened Jude, will he tell me the truth? Do I want to hear the truth from him?

I’ve been hiding out in his house for seven days now and I still don’t know the answer to either of those questions. I know I want the truth. I just don’t know if I can trust my father to give it to me. Even after all these years, he still hates the Murphys.

Rinsing my hands, I give myself another second before I shut the water off and turn to face him.

“I’ve been spending a lot of time with Jude lately.

” If it’s even possible, his spine straightens even more.

He opens his mouth to speak, but I don’t let him.

“He’s been helping out at the bookstore and I’ve been keeping him company at the bar.

It’s just…it’s brought up a lot of memories. ”

I search his face, looking for any sign of guilt or pain, but all I see is anger. “I don’t know how you could let that man back into your life. Not after what he did to you.”

“People change.”

“Not him. Not that family,” he seethes.

“What is it about Walt and Jude that you don’t like? I’ve never understood your hatred of them.” I keep my tone even, wanting to make it clear I’m not accusing him of anything. It’s entirely possible there’s a valid reason he doesn’t like them, and I’m desperate to know.

“It’s not important. All that matters is that they aren’t good people and you shouldn’t be involved with them.” He doesn’t wait for my response. Grabbing the handle of his suitcase, he storms out of the kitchen.

Two months ago I would’ve let him go. I would’ve finished cleaning up the mess I made and I would’ve gone home, ignoring my need to know the answers to my questions.

Now, though, I can’t let it go.

“I’m not a child anymore,” I say, marching after him. “I deserve to know why you think they’re bad people. Walt has never done anything but care for those around him. Even when I cut him out of my life after Jude left, he let me back into his life like no time had passed at all.”

This time there’s pain in his eyes, but I get the sense it’s not from his actions.

No. I’m pretty sure it’s because of how I look up to Walt.

I don’t have to say the words for my dad to know that Walt is like a second father to me.

Walt’s filled the gaps my father chose to leave in his absence, and I can only hope he’s regretting that decision.

Hoping he feels some kind of guilt about missing out on my childhood makes it all that much harder to push for answers from him.

But I can’t keep living in denial. I don’t want to lose my father from my life and I think if we have any hope of keeping a relationship alive, we have to get rid of the lies.

“It doesn’t matter, Abbey.” His tone is hard, one I used to hear all the time back in high school. One I haven’t heard since Jude left.

“It matters to me,” I whisper. “I need to know,” I beg.

He hesitates for only a moment. “Abbey. Let it go.”

My shoulders slump and my eyes fall closed.

I give myself a moment to feel the disappointment, and then I try one more time.

I open my eyes and meet his head one. “Dad, I’m telling you I need to know the truth.

I need you to be honest with me. If there’s a valid reason for everything that’s happened, I’ll hear you, but I can’t go off your word alone anymore. ”

Nothing about his body or face changes. He stands there just as stone faced as before.

“Dad,” I beg one more time, tears burning my eyes. “Why can’t you say whatever it is? If you’re worried about hurting me, you already are.”

His eyes harden and I know there’s nothing I can say or do to change his mind. “It won’t matter, Abbey. It never did for your mother and it never will for you.”

“Don’t tell me how I feel. You can’t know what I’ll do or say.”

“I can, because just like your mother, you love that boy more than anything else, and you will always choose him.”

He doesn’t wait for my response, and this time when he turns around I let him walk away.