Page 37 of Hidden Vows (Love in Ashford Falls #3)

twenty-eight

JUDE

I shouldn’t be surprised that the words are suddenly flowing for me. My writing has always been connected to my mood, and I’ve never been able to write when my mind was more focused on Abbey than anything else going on in my life.

Everything I wrote around our birthdays or wedding anniversary was always trashed when I finally came out of my emotions enough to truly pay attention to what I was writing.

There was only one time I kept what I wrote on Abbey’s birthday—and according to her, it was the worst thing I’ve ever written. Not that she knows they’re my words yet.

Four days surrounded by all that’s Abbey Selbey and I haven’t figured out how to tell her my biggest secret. I’ve told her so much about our time apart, but for some reason I can’t bring myself to tell her about that.

She knows I lived a truly nomadic life, never staying anywhere long enough to make a true connection.

I told her all about the Hawthornes—the family from Stonebridge Hollow that gave me my first job when I left Ashford Falls—and how they’re some of the few people I stay in contact with.

She knows all about Willie and Mae and how they’re the ones who truly saved me after that first year on the road.

She knows about the most memorable places I stayed and why I wouldn’t let myself fall in love with any of them.

She even knows about the journals I’ve kept and how it was writing in them that made me come to terms with where my life took me. She knows everything there is to know about the last seventeen years, except that.

And yet…even with the weight of needing to tell her the truth, I can’t stop the words from pouring from my fingertips.

There might be guilt for holding this last secret so close, but the joy of going to sleep next to her every night and waking up next to her every morning far surpasses any other negative emotion.

I’m not the only one who’s shared about their life over the last decade and a half.

I’ve hated almost everything Abbey’s told me—the fact that she closed herself off so completely from everyone around her breaks my heart. Knowing I’m the one who caused it tore me in two. But seeing who she’s become and how strong she is makes me so damn proud.

I’ve been in love with Abbey since I was six years old, and there wasn’t a moment in time where I thought that love disappeared. But getting this second chance with her? I want to shout it from the rooftops how in love with her I still am.

I’m so focused on the screen in front of me, I don’t hear anything going on around me. I know Jane and Cole, the newest bartender I hired, are behind the bar serving the few patrons that came in for lunch today, but I haven’t been paying the slightest bit of attention to them.

I hear Cole shout to someone but I don’t let my eyes wander from the screen. It’s not until hands cover my eyes that I’m forced to pull away from my computer.

“Guess who?” Abbey whispers, trying to disguise her voice with a terrible Irish accent, but her scent gives her away. Lemon and lavender surround me, and I immediately melt into her.

“Sorry to disappoint, love, but I’ll always know it’s you.” Her hands fall from my face but slip around my neck as I spin in my stool, pulling her between my spread thighs. “How’s your morning been?”

“Good. George and the team are ahead of schedule. They’re confident they’ll be done by next week.” The smile that breaks out on her face is so contagious, I can’t help but smile in return.

My grip on her hips tightens slightly as I press a quick kiss to her lips. “That’s amazing, mo ghrá.”

The shiver that runs down her spine makes me chuckle. I love that she can’t help her physical reaction to my nickname for her. It’s nothing different than what I call her in English, but something about the Gaelic term does something to her and I hope that never changes.

She presses herself further into me, her lips landing on mine in a demanding kiss. It’s Cole’s whistle that tears us apart.

“All right, you two, that’s enough of that. Some of us have yet to find our person.” Cole smiles at us, making it clear he’s only joking as he steps up to us from behind the bar. “Can I get you anything, Abbey?”

“No, I just came from The Diner with Emily.”

“Do they have a new menu or something? Maybe that’s where everyone is?”

Cole’s only lived in town for a few weeks now and is still learning all the ins and outs of small town living, but the fact that even he’s noticed the change in customers around here makes me a little nervous .

I’ve been trying to be optimistic about the lack of people coming through the doors, but it’s getting harder and harder to ignore.

The people of Ashford Falls have changed a lot since I’ve been gone. People who never would have stepped foot in these walls before I left are now regulars, but it’s also true that they’ve stopped coming around recently. And the only thing that’s changed around here is me.

Abbey’s brows pinch as she glances around, noticing how empty it is for the first time. “Well, it is lunchtime on a Wednesday afternoon and school just started back up two weeks ago.” Her eyes come back to mine and I see the worry starting to pour out of them.

“Good point.” I reach over and squeeze the back of her thigh. “This could be totally normal for Murphy’s at this time of year.”

“Maybe,” Cole murmurs. “You sure I can’t get you anything?”

“No, I’m good. Thanks, Cole.” She offers him a smile as he walks away and steps from between my legs, slipping onto the stool next to me. “What are you up to?” Abbey asks, gesturing to my computer.

My next move isn’t subtle or cute in the slightest. I slam my laptop shut and offer her the goofiest smile—not intentionally. “Nothing.” I’m the least nonchalant I’ve ever been, and Abbey is far too smart not to call me on it.

“Yeah, okay.” She reaches for my computer and I push my hand down on top of it, holding it in place.

The second her eyes meet mine the guilt settles in. It’s hurt that fills her eyes and after everything we’ve been through, I can’t blame her. My eyes fall to the floor between us as I lift my hand in surrender.

She slides the laptop in front of her and because I’m a chicken, I spin in my seat to face the bar. I don’t watch her reaction head on, but I can see her out of the corner of my eye. I shouldn’t be surprised at how quickly she figured it out.

The little gasp she releases a few minutes later confirms she’s learned my last secret before the words leave her mouth. “You’re AJ Doherty?”

I turn to face her slowly, not entirely sure how she feels about this news.

“Yeah.” I release the simple word on a breath, having no idea what else I should say.

“Why didn’t you say anything? We’ve talked about his books…” Her words trail off as she looks at the computer screen once more. “Your books,” she whispers.

“The first time I saw you reading The Silent Promise was a few days after I got back to town. Talking about that book was the way I got you to talk to me, and I didn’t want to lose that.”

Her eyes come back to mine and I hate that I see tears welling in the corners. I reach for her but she doesn’t let me. She slides from her seat and rushes away.

“Abbey, wait!” I call after her, grabbing my laptop and following her path out the back door and up to our apartments.

Her door is open when I make it up the stairs, and relief courses through me at seeing that. She may be upset, but she wants to talk about it.

“Mo ghrá.” I’m not fighting fair using that name, but I’m okay with that. I’ll use anything I can to make her listen to me.

I place my computer on the island in her kitchen and walk up to her where she stands facing her bookshelves. Just like the bookstore downstairs used to be—and how I’m sure it’ll look again—they’re filled to the brim. And right in front of her, at eye level, is the shelf filled with my books .

“Jude.” She sighs, spinning on her heel to look at me. Her eyes are still wet, but now I see anger building in their depths. “I understand not telling me at first, but how many chances have you had since then?”

“I know.” My eyes fall to the floor for only a moment before I face her again. “I know I should have told you. If not when you were tearing my book apart, then definitely at some point over the last few days.”

“Oh god.” Her eyes fall shut and she lifts a hand to cover them, as if she needs the extra layer of protection. Like if she’s unable to see me, I won’t be able to see her. “I can’t believe you let me say all those things.”

“No, Abs.” I grasp her wrist gently, pulling her hand away from her face. “That’s why I didn’t say anything that day. I always want the truth from you. I never want you to filter your thoughts with me—about anything.”

She studies me for a moment, the tears making another appearance. “Exactly.”

“Abbey—”

“No, Jude,” she interrupts. She pulls her hand from mine, crossing her arms over her chest, but she doesn’t step away from me.

“That’s the point. You’ve shared so much with me over the last four days, except you’ve been filtering yourself.

It’s not like you’re some unknown author.

You’re literally one of the best in your genre. ”

“I know.”

“It might be dramatic, but if you’ve kept this from me, what’s to say there isn’t something else you’re keeping from me? Or what’s to say something doesn’t happen in the future that you decide to keep from me?”

“It’s not dramatic,” I whisper, lifting my eyes to the shelf over her shoulder.

She’s right. It’s not the biggest thing I’ve kept from her, but that doesn’t really matter when you take our past into consideration. The entire reason I needed this second chance was because I kept something massive from her. If I want this to work, I can’t keep anything from her, big or small.

“I’ll tell you everything you want to know about this part of my life”—I gesture to the books behind her—“but I think there’s something else I need to tell you first.”

Abbey’s entire body deflates as her arms fall to her sides. “What?” The word is pure dejection, and I hate that her mind has probably gone to the worst possible scenario.

I don’t beat around the bush; I tell her the truth—hoping she’ll forgive me for keeping yet another secret from her. “Your dad’s been in to see me at Murphy’s three times since I’ve been home. Each time he’s warned me to stay away from you.”

“What?” She gasps in disbelief.

“I’m not saying me being AJ Doherty isn’t important—it absolutely is—but you’re right that I need to be better about not keeping things to myself. If I want this to work, and you know I do, then I have to do better.”

“Jude,” she chokes out, the tears back with a vengeance.

Without holding anything back, I pull Abbey over to the couch and tell her everything.

I tell her about the first time he came into the bar after he saw me at the bookstore with her.

I tell her about the second time shortly after Ava and Declan’s birthday party, after he heard Marybelle talking about how sweet it was that I’d been helping out at the bookstore.

And I tell her about the last time he showed up, the same night she came to my apartment after her ladies’ night at Emily’s .

I fill her in on my belief that it’s him causing the decrease in customers at Murphy’s—I don’t have any proof, but it fits with his initial threat to me seventeen years ago. And finally, I tell her about my concerns with him being an investor in the bookstore.

After the threats he’s made—especially the ones that I know would hurt Abbey the most—I don’t trust he won’t do something to destroy her dreams.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth sooner, Abbey.

” I squeeze the hand I’ve been holding in mine since we sat down, trying to make her meet my eyes.

“It shouldn’t have taken you pointing out how important it is for me to tell you what’s been going on.

Especially when this is the reason for everything that happened before. ”

“Is this all of it?” she asks quietly, her eyes still focused on our hands in my lap.

“Yeah, love. That’s all of it.”

She doesn’t move or say anything at first, just sits there cross-legged on the couch facing me, but without warning she falls forward, burying her head in my chest and wrapping her arms around my shoulders.

“I swear I’ll never keep anything from you again. The only secrets I’ll keep are the good ones, like surprising you with your favorite meal,” I whisper, trying desperately to lighten the mood.

It works partially. I feel the muffled laugh against my neck more than I hear it, but the thing that makes me relax is when she climbs into my lap, making herself more comfortable with her legs wrapped around me where I sit on the couch.

“That sounds like a good plan.” She clings to me like a monkey and I love every second of it.

I don’t move or say anything else, not wanting to ruin this moment between us. I know I still need to fill her in on the author front, but the fact that she’s not demanding I leave after revealing everything with her dad feels far more important.

“Are we okay?” I tighten my arms around her, a little scared of what she’ll say.

“Yeah, we’re okay.” She pulls back just enough to meet my eyes, and even though it’s clear she’s been crying, I’m still struck dumb by how beautiful she is.

“I don’t know how I’ve gotten lucky enough to have another chance with you, but I swear I’ve learned from my past—even if this doesn’t look like it.” I tuck a piece of hair behind her ear, cupping her cheek in my hand. “No more secrets, I promise.”

Her lips land on mine, and I know we’re going to be okay—we’re going to be more than okay.