Page 39 of Hidden Vows (Love in Ashford Falls #3)

thirty

ABBEY

“I’m not saying I’m not grateful that you’re doing this, but are you allowed to do this? You’re a general surgeon,” I ask as Emily shuts the door to the exam room.

“Sure, any doctor can pull a swab and run some tests. Now, if you needed medical care to treat a specific ailment, I would absolutely send you to the right specialist. But I’m literally just grabbing some spit and sending it to a lab.

” Emily laughs as she gestures to the chair for me to sit and pulls her own stool over, taking a seat in front of me.

“You didn’t really say why you needed to see a doctor when you asked for a recommendation on a new gynecologist. Everything all right? ”

“Oh, yeah. My last gynecologist moved recently and I haven’t gotten a new one. And, you know, safe sex is the best sex.” It’s an uncomfortable laugh that breaks through as I cover my face with my hands. “I can’t believe I just said that.”

Honestly, I’m so glad Emily is doing this for me. I called three doctors trying to schedule an annual visit and was told they couldn’t fit me in for another month before I finally cracked and called Emily to see if she could recommend anyone .

It’s been two weeks since Jude and I had sex without a condom, and while I’m not worried about pregnancy or disease—I’m on birth control and have never been with someone without a condom—it’s always better to be sure.

Jude has been so understanding, but—even though it doesn’t make sense—I have all this guilt around the need for this appointment. I had every right to move on from Jude. Our marriage was over. He left town. And yet…knowing that Jude never moved on gets my stomach in a twist.

The sooner I get these results, the sooner I can stop letting this affect me, because it’s just me.

Jude has been nothing but understanding and supportive.

Minus his reaction to finding out I’d been with someone else—which was a really shitty way to find out—he hasn’t said anything about my sexual history.

And I think that might be feeding the guilt.

Emily’s laugh pulls me back to the present, and I have to remind myself what she asked. “Jude and I were a little too into the moment to pay attention to using a condom the first time, and while he’s obviously good to go, I haven’t been tested since my last time with Chuck.”

“Gotcha.” Emily doesn’t even bat an eye as she stands from her seat and starts pulling out supplies. “I think we’ll go with a blood test instead of a cheek swab. No reason other than it’s quicker and will give you peace of mind sooner.” She rushes to say when she sees my look of concern.

“Oh. How quickly will the results be ready?”

“For most tests it’ll be a couple days, but some will take about a week.”

I nod absentmindedly as she wheels the tray over with everything she’ll need to draw my blood.

All of a sudden nerves hit me and I don’t know why.

I have no reason to believe anything bad will come back in these results.

I feel confident in thinking Chuck wasn’t only sleeping with me, and while we always used condoms I know they can fail.

Emily doesn’t push me to talk more. She goes through the motions and draws a couple vials of blood before placing a Band-Aid on my arm and asking me if I want to join her for lunch.

I know she’s doing it because she can clearly see my thoughts spiraling, but I appreciate the distraction all the same.

And I let my lunch with Emily become a distraction.

It’s been a while since I’ve had the chance to spend one on one time with her, and I’m glad for the opportunity.

Emily has a calming presence that’s hard to ignore.

Somehow her calmness always seeps into me and I walk away feeling more at peace than when we first started hanging out.

“I’ve been calling you every day for over a week,” I bite into the phone, letting my anger pour out more than I want.

I take a breath before I continue. If I let my anger get in the way, I’ll never have the conversation I both need and want to have with my father.

“I know our last conversation wasn’t great, but you’ve never blatantly ignored me.

” I soften my tone, truly trying to understand.

“I’ve been busy. Things at work have been hectic.” There’s a rushing sound in the background, like he’s outside and the wind is whipping past, and I know it means he’s calling me on his way somewhere else.

This call is something he quickly penciled in between things he’s deemed more important. It’s not new to me, but that doesn’t make it any less disappointing.

“Dad.” I sigh. I’m exasperated, and I have no doubt he hears it.

The sound of rushing air stops and I’m not sure if he’s stepped into a building or if he’s simply stopped moving.

No matter, we’re both silent, and I can’t stop the next words that come out of my mouth.

“Has there ever been a time where you wanted me as a daughter?”

I’m not sure where the words come from, but once they’re out, I realize I’ve never felt truly wanted by him. Besides my mother, it’s like family as a whole was an obligation, or some item to check on a list of things to prove one’s success.

I know he loves me, but you can love someone and not appreciate them. You can love someone and not want them.

“Abbey, what kind of question is that? You’re my daughter,” he huffs.

“That’s not actually an answer,” I whisper. I feel my nose burning, but I refuse to let the tears free. I have so much to love about my life, so many people in my corner, I won’t let my father bring me down—not today.

“Abbey, I don’t have time for this.” He sighs and I can imagine him pinching the bridge of his nose in annoyance.

“What is it you wanted to discuss?” And suddenly he’s all business again.

“Is it something about the bookstore? I told you I wouldn’t transfer the money until I saw the itemized list from your contractor. ”

I look around the space George and his team just vacated. The renovations are done and the store is officially mine, and not once has my dad stopped in to see how everything has progressed. It’s yet another thing that shouldn’t surprise me.

“No, it’s nothing about the bookstore.”

The bell above the door rings—the first thing I put back in place after George left—and I spin to find Jude standing there, his eyes taking in everything around him.

I wanted to have this conversation with my dad in person, and I definitely planned for it to be without Jude around, but the second his eyes land on mine and that smile he only ever has for me makes an appearance, I know that second idea was a mistake.

Having Jude by my side will only ever be a benefit to me.

“I wanted to talk to you about what happened when you threatened Jude, the first time.”

With my eyes focused only on Jude, I see the moment his smile falls and his body goes taut. I didn’t tell him I was planning on having this conversation with my dad, but he should’ve known I wasn’t going to let it go. Especially when he’s continued to threaten Jude.

Jude doesn’t let the tension coursing through his body stop him. He moves into my space, gripping my free hand in his, proving that he’s here with me for whatever I need.

“Abbey.” Dad’s tone is so sharp, it almost makes me flinch, but with Jude’s strength I push forward.

“It’s time you stopped hiding behind whatever perceived wrong you believe to be true. Just tell me what happened.”

“There’s nothing to tell.” His words are so low, I almost miss them. It takes a moment for him to continue. “I thought I was keeping you safe. I still believe I’m keeping you safe. The Murphys will only bring you pain, but if you need to learn that for yourself—again—then so be it.”

“Dad—”

“I told you work’s been busy,” he interrupts. “I don’t have time to discuss this more.” His words are clipped, and I’m shocked when he continues with an almost proper goodbye. “I’ll be back in Ashford Falls in time for your opening. Talk soon.” And with that, the line goes dead.

It takes me a couple seconds to finally pull the phone away from my ear, but Jude is instantly moving further into my space, ensuring all my focus is on him. “What do you need?”

Trying like hell not to let the tears slip free, I let my head fall against Jude’s chest and my arms wrap around his waist. Jude doesn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around me, pulling me in tighter to his body. When his lips land on the top of my head, I can’t stop the tears from leaking out.

This comfort right here, it’s everything I’ve always wanted—knowing there’s someone I can lean on to help support me through the tough times. I know I’m capable of doing it on my own, for the most part I have ever since my mother died, but just because I can doesn’t mean I have to.

“Love,” Jude whispers against me. “What can I do?”

“Nothing. This is more than enough.” And it is. Being in his arms is exactly what I want right now.

Jude lets me soak in the comfort of his arms for a few minutes before he asks the question I knew would eventually come. “Can you tell me what he said?”

“Nothing new.” I release my grip around his waist and pull back to look him in the eye.

“Honestly, at this point, I don’t really care what he has to say.

I don’t think there’s anything he can say to make me forgive him.

Even if there’s a valid reason for him to hate Walt, you never did anything to deserve his behavior. ”

“Abbey, I don’t want?—”

“No,” I interrupt, slipping out of his arms. “A child does not deserve to be treated like the perceived sins of the father are their fault. That belief is complete bullcrap.” I have to stop myself from stomping my foot like a child throwing a temper tantrum.

“I’m done letting his beliefs and actions impact my life.

It sucks that I have such a shitty father, but I’ve got Walt and you, and the rest of the group.

I have far too many people in my corner to let him affect me anymore. ”

Pity never crosses his features, but that doesn’t stop him from stepping forward and taking my hand in one of his.

“Love,” he whispers, cupping my cheek in his other hand.

“You set whatever boundaries you need to set, but don’t act like this doesn’t hurt—not with me.

He can be the biggest asshole, but he’s still your father, and he still supported you through some of your hardest moments.

It’s okay to be disappointed in him and hurt by his actions. ”

My eyes fall shut as I suck in a breath of air.

His words hit more than I want them to. Jude’s right—no matter what bad he’s done, there are good moments with my dad, and those are the moments I wish for over and over again.

I thought, when he accepted my business proposal, that we’d have a chance to build on the relationship we had, but that’s clearly not the case.

What I need to accept is holding onto those moments—building expectations off of childhood memories—is setting myself up for disappointment.

While I can feel whatever negative emotions I have right now, I can’t let myself sit in them.

If I want a real chance at living a full and happy life, I have to let it go.

“I know I can feel whatever I’m feeling, but I don’t want to feed the negative emotions. I want to move on and chase those dreams.” I place my hand over his on my cheek and sink into the touch. “I want to keep moving forward with you.”

“Okay, mo ghrá,” he whispers, pressing a kiss to my forehead. “Where do we start?”