Page 28 of Hidden Vows (Love in Ashford Falls #3)

twenty-one

ABBEY

I had every intention of going home when I left Emily’s house.

It was an emotional night. One filled with so many questions—from everyone, including myself.

But walking up those stairs and seeing Jude’s door was like someone looped a rope around my waist and I couldn’t stop myself from being pulled in.

I needed to see him. I needed to talk to him. I needed to feel him.

I needed him .

If I’m being honest, while I hadn’t planned on kissing him or falling into his bed, the second I laid eyes on him, I can’t say the thought didn’t cross my mind.

It was quickly followed by the thought that it would only be scratching an itch, but the second his lips touched mine I knew it would never be only scratching an itch with Jude Murphy.

His name is written across my soul, and I can’t imagine anything changing that.

In the grand scheme of life, it hasn’t been long since I slept with someone, but I’ve never felt the connection I had with Jude with anyone else. Being with him has always been—and will always be—so much more.

No matter how much time passes, Jude and I fit together in a way I’ve never experienced with anyone else and in a way I’ve only seen few other couples display.

Being with Jude is like coming home.

Is it smart to ignore the elephant in the room—the possibility that he lied to me all those years ago?

It’s probably the stupidest mistake I’ve ever made.

I don’t have any proof he lied. He’s never lied to me before, so why is it so easy to believe he lied about this? But then again, if he did cheat on me—have an affair with someone else—all those weeks were lies.

Talking myself in circles proves how stupid I’m being not talking to him. That thought doesn’t stop me.

If he did lie to me about the affair, I know it was for a good reason.

And giving myself the time to actually think rationally?

I have a pretty good idea what that reason might have been.

It’s a reason I don’t want to think about because it means losing the one person I had after he left and my mother died.

I may have more people in my corner now, but for so long I only had one, and no matter what, he’s my family.

But I don’t want to think about any of that right now. We may have lost seventeen years, and we may have a lot we still need to work through—knowing the truth won’t magically fix the fact that he lied and let someone else control our lives—but I still love him.

I never stopped loving him.

“May the joys of today, be those of tomorrow,” he whispers against my skin. Against the words I had permanently etched across my ribs. Finishing a blessing I’ve held onto like a lifeline. Hoping and wishing our ending wasn’t truly written yet.

It’s the reverent tone that breaks me. “Jude,” I beg, reaching for him, needing his lips on mine. Needing the weight of his body on mine.

With that simple word he knows exactly what I need, the same way he always does. His lips meet mine in a scorching kiss. One filled with so much love and devotion, it’s hard for me to fathom.

How can that still exist after all these years? After all this time apart? How can we both still feel so strongly for each other?

Keeping his lips pressed to mine, his hands trail down my sides and smooth back up, his thumbs brushing my peaked nipples. There’s a gentleness behind the touch I didn’t realize I was missing and I can’t stop the whimper that breaks through.

Jude settles his weight on the bed, his hips cradled between my thighs and his hands resting on my ribs just below my breasts. When he releases my lips from his kiss, there’s nothing but tenderness in his eyes. “Is this okay?”

“Yes,” I breathe out, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and pulling him closer to me. The feel of his bare chest against mine has never felt more right. My entire being relaxes, all thoughts other than Jude and me leaving my mind.

His eyes bounce between mine and I see the wheels turning, but before he can say anything else, I bring my left hand to his cheek.

The coarse hair of his beard brushes my palm and his eyes fall closed as he leans into the touch.

“I know there’s still so much to figure out, but let’s worry about it tomorrow,” I whisper.

“Let’s just be together and only focus on this moment right here.

” His eyes meet mine and all I see is love. “Everything else can wait.”

“I don’t want to lose whatever it is we’ve been building since I got back. You mean too much to me to ruin any of it.”

I don’t just hear the worry in his voice, I see it in his eyes too—and I get it. I don’t know the future and I’m pretty sure I don’t even know the past either, but I know what I want, and it’s to have Jude back in my life .

I’m willing to fight for that now.

I know how to fight for that now.

“You won’t.” I pull his lips back to mine, trying to prove with my actions how much I mean those words.

My kiss is determined, but my touch as I move my arms around him is soft.

There’s a clear purpose and intention behind all of it.

I don’t want anything that happens tonight to be seen as anything other than love.

I don’t want him to say it was out of desperation.

I need him to feel the truth and depth of emotion.

It’s when his body relaxes into mine that I know he’s living in the moment too, cherishing everything that’s happening between us.

His lips leave mine, and the whimper I release quickly turns into a moan when his lips move across my cheek and down my neck.

The trail he leads to my breast is tender, and the moment his tongue touches my left nipple I’m lost to everything but the feel of him.

He might be just as lost if the grinding of his hips against mine is any indication, but he’s not lost enough to forget about my other breast. He brings his hand to the other side, pinching and soothing in rhythm with his tongue and teeth.

My fingers tangle in his hair, holding his head in place, like I have any kind of say in what’s happening between us.

Jude might ask me if I’m okay with what’s going on, but I know he has almost all the power here—and I love it.

I don’t want his attention anywhere else other than my chest, but I also can’t stop my hips from pressing against his.

The pressure building in my core is like nothing I’ve ever felt before.

“Babe,” I breathe out, and everything freezes. It’s been seventeen years since that word has slipped past my lips. It’s a simple word. A nickname I’ve heard plenty of people use. And yet…that simple word expresses just how much I meant what I sa id earlier.

I’m done letting life pass us by. I’m done pushing him away.

Jude pulls away from me, his eyes meeting mine and the tears I feel in the back of my eyes are reflected in his.

“Mo ghrá.” It’s barely a whisper, but those words have the tears breaking free.

He brings his left hand to my cheek, brushing the tears away and I can’t stop myself from holding him in place. My eyes fall closed as I turn my face, pressing my lips to his palm.

“Abbey,” he murmurs after a few minutes of stillness.

I don’t turn to look at him, but I open my eyes and they catch on a spot on his ring finger. Jude’s body instantly goes taut and when my eyes shift to his I see a hint of panic in them.

I push at his chest, forcing him to his knees as I move to sit up in front of him. His mouth opens, but without letting him say anything I take his left hand back in mine, finally giving myself a chance to truly study the tattoos.

Just like his father, he has symbols going across the tops of his fingers, and while I don’t know what each one is, I know they stem from his Celtic heritage, something that has always been so important to him.

Unlike Walt, he also has a word stamped across his fingers.

I don’t know for sure, but I’d guess the word is Gaelic.

I want to know all the stories associated with each tattoo branded onto his skin, but none of them are what caught my attention.

Turning his hand to the side, I force his first two fingers closed, revealing the inside of his ring finger. There, etched on his skin is the letter A.

“Jude…” My words trail off, unable to decide what I want to say.

My eyes fly to his, but he doesn’t open his mouth to say anything and it’s then I let my eyes fall to his chest and arms. All of his tattoos are finally on full display—nothing’s in my way. I’m shocked it took me so long to see them for what they are—our story.

On his left pec is a swing, our wedding anniversary twined within the ropes.

On his left shoulder, the oak tree that represents Ashford Falls—that represents his home.

On his right shoulder, the logo for Murphy’s.

I can’t stop my eyes from studying every piece of art decorating his skin.

The contrast of color on his left side to the simple black tattoos on his right has as much meaning as the pieces themselves, I’m sure.

Jude is too intentional for that not to have meaning.

My eyes find his and the pain I see makes me lose my breath.

I don’t know what happened seventeen years ago, and I thought I could do this without knowing, but seeing the dedication Jude’s always had for me, even when we were thousands of miles apart—doing this tonight, without talking about it—I think it might ruin us.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper before rushing off the bed and grabbing my shirt from the floor.

I don’t pause to put it on. The chances of anyone being in the hallway between our apartments is essentially zero. I hold the shirt to my chest, rush to grab my purse, and run out the door. I thank whatever higher power exists that I didn’t lock my apartment door as I hear Jude calling after me.

I’ve already locked myself inside and collapsed to the floor with tears pouring down my cheeks by the time Jude is knocking on my door.