Page 31 of Gratification in Gluttony (Passing Through Cafe #2)

Chapter thirty-one

Dildo Nunchucks

The weekend before Gem’s twenty-ninth birthday found Toni, Jude, and the rest of the cafe crew staring at the large Town Car Toni had managed to borrow from a friend of a friend of a friend’s cousin. He’d tried to find a van, but to be honest, he may have forgotten about the whole renting-a-car thing until the last minute, and this was the best he could do on such short notice.

“I thought you were gonna get a van?” Oliver said.

“I don’t think we’re going to fit in that,” Glyma said.

“I know we’re not going to fit in that,” Quin said.

“Perhaps we can call for a taxi?” Zef suggested.

“Then we’ll be too late,” Rusty said.

“We can’t be late, or we’ll miss the colors,” Willow said.

“Oliver can sit in my lap,” Liel said.

“I don’t know why I trusted any of you to get this job done right,” Tad said.

“Hey,” Toni barked, crossing his arms defensively over his chest. “You wanted a car, and Toni got a car.”

“We wanted a van!” Oliver retorted.

“You did your best,” Jude said with a supportive pat to Toni’s arm.

With a wordless growl, Toni pointed at the Town Car. “We can all fit. It’ll be a little snug, but we’ll fit.”

“How?” Quin demanded.

“Rusty can ride in the trunk,” Toni said, and the Pyclon bristled.

“Why me?”

“You’re small,” Toni said.

“Tad’s smaller!” Rusty snarled.

“Well, that’s not very chivalrous now, is it?” Toni bit back.

“I wanna ride in the trunk. I like small, dark spaces,” Tad said with an eerie smile. She was dressed head-to-toe in black, with a black fabric hat on, the material rolled thickly on her forehead.

“Are you wearing a baklava?” Toni asked, and both Oliver and Jude snorted with laughter. “What?”

“It’s actually called a balaclava,” Oliver corrected.

Toni blew a raspberry. “Baklava. Balaclava. Whatever! It’s practically the same thing.”

“Except that baklava is a Mediterranean dessert, and a balaclava is a mask criminals use when doing criminal activity,” Jude explained, with a significant look in Tad’s direction.

“Honestly, I don’t hear the difference.” Turning to Tad, Toni asked again, “Are you wearing the non-dessert kind of baklava?”

“Yes,” she said as she shouldered her black duffel bag—the one she’d refused to explain when Toni asked about it earlier. “The real question here is why none of you are wearing balaclavas.”

Everyone stared at her blankly for a moment, before Toni clapped his hands and encouraged everyone toward the car. “Okay, then. Let’s go.”

Toni took the driver’s seat, with Jude at his side. Zef took the passenger seat and hugged their legs to their chest so Rusty could curl up on the floor between the bench seat and the glove box.

“This is fucking humiliating,” he grumbled as he tucked his tail between his legs so Zef could close the door.

“You know,” Quin whispered as she climbed into the back, “I could just teleport us, babe.”

“Shh.” Glyma grasped Quin’s hips and plopped the Daemon down on her lap. “This is more fun. Don’t ruin it.”

The rest of the group piled on top of each other in the back seat with much grunting and apologies. Tad was already in the trunk, and Toni heard her clanking around, moving what sounded like tools and heavy equipment. Honestly, he didn’t want to know.

Thankfully, the drive to Gem’s wasn’t too long, and when they parked on the street in front of his building, everyone heaved a sigh of relief. They crawled out of the car, complaining about the close-quarters, and Toni did his best to ignore them. He did so much, and where was his thanks?

As everyone trickled into the building, Tad waddled over, dropping her duffel bag with a heavy thud at Toni’s feet.

“Okay,” she said as she pulled her balaclava over her face until only her bulbous eyes could be seen. “How’re we doing this? Smoke bomb through the window? Or is Quin gonna teleport inside and chloroform his ass before he knows what hit him?”

“What?” Toni said.

“You know we’re doing this for fun, right?” Oliver said haltingly as he held the front door open for Liel to enter. “Like just a silly surprise for his birthday.”

“Of course it’s for fun,” Tad said as she pulled out a coil of rope and a roll of duct tape from her duffel. “If I was doing it for money, I’d work with my own crew. You all are too unprofessional, and I’m not going back to jail again because y’all can’t hack it.”

“You know we’re not actually, like, kidnapping him, right?” Jude asked.

“So he knows we’re coming? Well, this changes everything.” Rifling through her bag, Tad set a bottle of chloroform, several full syringes of an unknown substance, and a flash grenade on the sidewalk. “Seriously, it’s like you’ve never abducted someone before.”

“Oh my gods, Tad, put the flash grenade away!” Toni shouted. “You can’t be waving those things around out here. Are you crazy?”

Tad rolled up her balaclava and considered Toni’s words. Then she nodded. “You’re right. We should wait until we’re in the hallway.” She put everything back into her duffel, then hoisted it up and over her shoulder. “Let’s go.”

Exchanging a rather terrified look with Jude, Toni followed Tad into the building. They all piled into the lift and rode up to Gem’s floor. When they arrived in front of Gem’s door, everyone turned to Toni.

“So, you have the key, right?” Oliver asked, and Toni rolled his eyes.

“Of course I have the key.” He patted his pockets in search of his keyring. “Do you really think I can’t handle bringing one little key to…” His right pocket was empty, as were his back pockets, and he chuckled nervously. “I mean, Toni always delivers…” His left pocket jingled, and he pulled out the keys triumphantly. “Ha, see! Keys. Wait a minute.”

It was a keyring, but it wasn’t his keyring. It was for the borrowed car. He patted desperately at his pants again, hoping for a different result. But he was keyless! He’d only grabbed one set of keys when he left his house.

“You seriously forgot the key?” Rusty demanded.

Toni bared his teeth. “I felt a keyring in my pocket. How was I supposed to know it wasn’t the right one?”

The group groaned.

“You had one job,” Oliver chided.

“I had many jobs!” Toni corrected. “I scored us last minute tickets, and I fucking delivered on that car.”

“The car is too small,” Quin countered. “Tad had to ride in the trunk.”

“She wanted to,” Toni defended. “She said she likes small, dark spaces!”

Tad grinned unnervingly. “I do like small, dark spaces. It’s where the bodies usually are.”

“We could maybe pick the lock?” Liel suggested.

“Oh shoot, I forgot my burglary kit at home,” Jude teased.

“I didn’t!” Tad exclaimed, pulling a lockpicking kit from her duffel bag. “Am I the only one who came prepared?”

“I don’t know if we should—” Glyma started, but Tad was already waddling toward Gem’s front door, pulling items from the kit.

“Doesn’t this actually count as breaking and entering?” Willow asked.

“Only if Gem presses charges,” Tad said, another bone-chilling smile breaking across her face. “Good thing he won’t be around to try.”

“Hey, folks,” Rusty said as he flipped over Gem’s welcome mat. “Think I found the spare.”

Taped to the back was an envelope with big, block letters scrawled across it in Gem’s handwriting. “For Emergencies Only!”

In smaller, messier handwriting—that Toni realized was actually his—it said, “Or when you lock yourself out naked cause you’re a sloppy whore.”

Everyone stilled, then turned to stare at Toni.

“Right,” he said with an easy grin. “I forgot about the spare.”

Rusty huffed and ripped the envelope free from the mat, then tore it open to retrieve Gem’s spare key.

“Can I still pick the lock?” Tad asked.

“No!” everyone said simultaneously.

Tad pouted and kicked at the ground. “You’re taking all the fun out of this kidnapping, you know?”

“With how much noise we’re all making, I don’t think it’s going to be a kidnapping,” Jude said, leaning into Toni’s side. “Pretty sure Gem knows we’re coming at this point.”

Toni opened his mouth to contradict the claim, but Rusty beat him to it. “Nah, he’s a heavy sleeper.”

Once again, everyone froze, turning as one to stare at Rusty. The Pyclon had paused with the key in the door, his tail flicking anxiously. Toni narrowed his eyes.

“How do you know that?” he demanded.

Unholy shit, was this little punk stalking Gem?

Apparently, he’d spoken aloud because Rusty reared back in offense, flashing his canines. “I’m not stalking anyone! Every time y’all get drunk, we crash at Gem’s. And I’m the only one sober enough to remember what happens.”

“Sounds like something a stalker would say,” Toni growled.

Staring at Toni like he’d lost his ever-loving mind, Rusty said, pointing at them each in turn, “Jude talks in his sleep, like entire conversations about really weird shit. You are the biggest, most annoying bed hog. And Zef sleepwalks! I’ve had to stop them from crawling out of Gem’s window and onto the fire escape three separate times.” Putting his claws on his hips, he scowled deeply. “Does that mean I’m stalking them too?”

“He’s right,” Jude said, placing a hand on Toni’s arm. “I do talk in my sleep.”

“And I frightened Denys several times by entering their bedroom in the middle of the night, unbeknownst to me,” Zef said guiltily.

“And we all know you’re a monumental bed hog,” Oliver added.

Not fully mollified, Toni glared at Rusty. Rusty stared blankly back, expressionless, save for a twitch in his right ear and his flicking tail.

“Can we get to the kidnapping already?” Tad snarled after a full minute of awkward silence. “I was promised a night of crime, and I’m getting bored!”

“Okay,” Toni said, rolling his shoulders. “Let’s do this. Tad, no chloroform!”

Tad, who’d been in the process of retrieving said chloroform from her bag again, stuck her long green tongue out at him but tucked the bottle and rag away. Rusty put his finger to his lips as he slid the key in the lock, then slowly turned the knob.

The lights in the flat were out, of course, and Toni and Liel both pulled their humans closer to help them navigate the dark. Toni could see well enough, but he still followed Rusty who had the best night vision out of them all. Except, maybe, for Quin.

Willow knocked into the coffee table, hissing with pain, and everyone froze. The flat was dead silent except for the numerous heartbeats, all racing alongside each other. It was impossible to differentiate who was whom, and it would have given Toni a headache to try.

Glyma and Quin guided Willow around the coffee table, and they all gathered behind the room partition separating Gem’s bed from the rest of the living space. Toni lifted three fingers, then slowly counted down. The moment before they stepped into Gem’s bedroom to yell surprise, there was a great battle cry from the other side of the partition.

A grotesque, six-armed monster jumped out, glittering eyes glowing with rage and hunger. Its face was pasty-white and looked like it was melting off of its bones. For one horrifying second, Toni genuinely believed Gem had been eaten by something out of a nightmare.

But then the monster screamed, “Get some, motherfuckers!” And the apocalypse was unleashed.

Everyone screamed and dove for cover as the monster—who was actually Gem—started launching projectiles and beating anyone within arm’s length with rubber mallets. One caught Toni in the jaw, and he dropped with a yelp.

“Come to murder me in my sleep?” Gem roared, tossing something small and vibrating into the roiling group of bodies that had taken refuge in the living room behind the couch. “I’ll fuck you up!”

The lights blinked on, temporarily blinding everyone. Rusty stood across the room, hand on the light switch, gaping at Gem. Gem who stood at the ready, all six arms raised, every hand holding a dildo like a weapon. His face was covered in something gooey and white—a face mask. And his silky robe had come untethered, revealing his cum-dumpster crop top and a pair of booty shorts that left little to the imagination.

“What are you doing in my house?” Gem cried, voice hitting a piercing falsetto.

“What are you doing with all those sex toys?” Toni shouted, rubbing his jaw where one of those dildos—and he really didn’t wanna know which one—had struck him during the scuffle.

“What is on your face?” Rusty demanded.

“Did he attack us with dildos?” Quin asked, holding an anatomically accurate Lupyn dick at arm’s length between her thumb and forefinger.

“I was attacked by a butt plug,” Zef said mournfully, handing the vibrating plug to Tad who turned it off.

“Why are you wielding dildos like nunchucks?” Oliver asked.

Pointing to two dildos tethered together, Jude said, “Those ones are connected, like actual nunchucks.”

“Why would anyone need dildo nunchucks?” Willow asked.

“You’d be surprised,” Liel said coyly, making Oliver flush bright red.

“Yeah, what he said,” Tad agreed. “I mean, normal nunchucks get the job done faster, but those ones work too. And they’re a lot easier to clean. The blood washes right off.”

Everyone gawked at her.

She frowned. “What? You don’t know my life!”

“What are you all doing here?” Gem dropped several dildos so he could gather his robe and fasten it closed. “I thought someone was breaking in. I thought I was about to be murdered. My whole life flashed before my eyes!”

“Did you see Connor again?” Oliver asked gently.

Gem bared his fangs. “How dare you bring up that bitch at a time like this, Ollie!”

“Birthday!” Toni blurted, and Gem leveled all eight eyes on him.

“What?”

“Your birthday. It’s for your birthday.” He lifted unenthusiastic jazz hands. “Surprise.”

“Surprise,” everyone halfheartedly echoed, and Gem finally lowered his remaining hands, sex toys falling to the ground—some of them with disturbingly weighty thumps .

“You broke into my house and scared me half to death over a birthday surprise?” Gem nearly snarled.

Well, when he said it like that, he made it sound like a terrible idea. It had seemed like a good idea to Toni, but maybe he was wrong. It was known to happen.

“I guess so?” Toni said.

Several seconds of silence passed as they waited with bated breath to see what Gem would do. Between one blink and the next, Gem’s fury melted into an emotional smile. “You guys!” he whined, pressing several hands to his chest. “That’s, like, the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me.”

A manic laugh burst from Toni’s chest, relief coursing through him as he let Gem yank him into a bone-crushing hug. “Happy birthday, Gemmy.”

Now that Gem was no longer bombing them with sex toys, everyone relaxed. They gathered around Gem wishing him happy birthdays and congratulations. Zef remained several feet away, offering Gem a soft smile and a wave. Rusty stood awkwardly near the wall by the light switch, hands in his jean pockets, watching the group hug.

“Here,” Glyma said, handing Gem the Lupyn dick.

“Sorry about the sex toy missiles,” Gem said as he gathered said toys in his arms. “I didn’t have anything else to defend myself.”

“They got the job done,” Oliver said.

Waggling his gray tongue, Gem winked and said, “They always do.”

Jude grimaced. “Gross.”

Rusty chuckled softly, and several of Gem’s smaller eyes glanced his way. They made brief eye contact, and Gem’s flirtatious smirk curled into something more genuine for a split second before he turned to dump his armfulls of sex toys onto his bed.

Toni narrowed his eyes at Rusty, and the Pyclon scowled at him. “What?”

Instead of responding with words, Toni pointed two fingers at his own eyes, then jabbed his index finger at Rusty. Rusty rolled his eyes like an angsty teenager but appeared otherwise unaffected by Toni’s threat. That was okay, though. Toni’s retribution would come swiftly when he least expected it.

“Seriously, though, it’s not my birthday yet,” Gem was saying as he rounded the room partition, wiping the face mask off his cheeks with several tissues.

“We wanted it to be a surprise,” Oliver said.

“Plus, if we’d waited, we might have missed—”

“Ah, the surprise!” Toni waved at Glyma to shut her up. “Don’t ruin the surprise.”

“There’s more to my surprise?” Gem said with a giddy body wiggle. “Really?”

“Yeah, so get dressed.” Toni patted his side, pushing him back toward his dresser. “Put on something warm.”

“Okay, no peeksies,” he chimed as he disappeared behind his room partition.

“Well,” Jude said as he retrieved an intimidatingly large butt plug from where it had rolled halfway under Gem’s couch, “that went well.”