Page 12 of Gratification in Gluttony (Passing Through Cafe #2)

Chapter twelve

Borrowing Dicks

The day of Gem’s recovery was rough. It wasn’t until Toni had visited numerous drug stores in search of nausea patches that were absorbed through the skin that Gem was able to stop throwing up long enough to keep down the painkillers. Even then, the meds only put a dent in the misery Gem was experiencing.

Toni wanted to take it away, wanted to carry it for him, but he could do nothing but stand by helplessly as his best friend suffered. And he hated it. There’d been times in his life that he’d begrudged Gem for the privileged life he had, for the supportive family he’d grown up in, but that had been immaturity and selfishness talking. Now that Gem was actually suffering, Toni wanted to peel off his skin and offer it to the deities in exchange for Gem to just be okay.

For some reason, Rusty stayed the whole day. He cleaned out the puke bucket and kept the bowl of ice water next to the bed cold with fresh cubes. He pressed cool cloths to Gem’s overheated skin, and toward the end of the afternoon when Gem begged to have a bath, Rusty didn’t blink twice at helping a naked Araknis into the free-standing tub in the penthouse’s ridiculously lavish bathroom.

Rusty was being kind , and it rankled, okay? Toni knew it wasn’t fair to feel that way, but the gentleness Rusty showed Gem had his fins fluttering and metaphorical hackles rising. What was the Pyclon playing at? He was a grouchy, entitled little turd all the time, and now suddenly, he was gonna play the nice guy?

And Gem was fucking buying it! Maybe that was what rankled Toni so much. Standing there, watching as Gem, lying in the tub half-asleep, reached out to take Rusty’s hand before the Pyclon could leave and smiled sleepily up at him like he was the fucking sunrise or some bullshit. “Thanks for staying.”

Rusty’s ear twitched, his tail flicking in an anxious tell. “It’s no big deal,” he dismissed, husky voice raspier than normal.

“Just say ‘you’re welcome,’ you little punk,” Toni snapped, and Rusty jumped like he’d forgotten Toni was even there.

He yanked his hand out of Gem’s grasp, clawed fingers flexing like he was resisting the urge to wipe his hand clean or something. It made Toni growl.

“You’re welcome,” Rusty mumbled before he ducked his head and fled the bathroom.

“Don’t be a bitch,” Gem whispered, frowning at Toni.

“Me?” Toni gestured wildly at the door. “He’s the little bitch.”

“Shut up, Toni,” Gem murmured, no true reprimand in his tone. If anything, he just sounded exhausted.

Since Toni didn’t want to stress him out, he shut up. Wordlessly, he hunkered down beside the tub and ran his fingers through Gem’s wet hair, then gently washed him as Gem trembled from the exertion of holding himself upright, gray knuckles straining against his skin as he gripped the edge of the tub.

After the bath, Gem crashed, bundled in a fluffy robe that rode high on his thighs because he was too tall to actually fit any of Toni’s clothes. The sheets had been changed thanks to Rusty—Toni grudgingly admitted—and after tucking Gem in, Toni tiptoed out and quietly closed the door.

“He’ll probably sleep through the night,” Rusty said as he prepared to leave. “But if his fever comes back or he starts puking again, might wanna call emergency services.”

“You said he just had to sleep it off,” Toni said accusingly.

“And he should. He’s already feeling better than this morning. I was just saying,” Rusty said defensively. “The drug could have been laced with something else, so if he starts to get worse, then to be safe—”

“You don’t gotta tell me how to take care of my best friend,” Toni snapped, and Rusty rolled his eyes and shook his head, huffing in annoyance at Toni’s attitude.

Once again, guilt tried to infiltrate the worry and helplessness that had settled like a rock in Toni’s gut, but he fought it. He didn’t have the emotional capacity for anything else right now. Like with Oliver and Liel, he’d apologize later.

Instead of snapping back, Rusty surprised Toni when he said, voice just shy of kind, “He’s gonna be okay, Toni.”

Staring at the door to the bedroom, Toni rubbed the back of his neck. “You act like you know?”

He’d meant it as a statement, but it came out more like a question. Toni was equally surprised when Rusty treated it like one. He sighed, and for a moment, the kid looked years older than twenty-four. “Because I’ve been there, man, and I’m still standing, aren’t I?”

Yeah, Toni had figured as much, which made his comments from earlier in the kitchen even more shitty. “Rusty, listen—”

“Forget it,” the Pyclon said in a clipped tone. “Just… forget it.”

And because Toni was a weak man, instead of apologizing like he should have, he just nodded and said, “I’ll let you know if anything changes.”

This time, Rusty didn’t answer with words. He simply nodded. Just once. Then he padded quietly out of the penthouse, closing the door behind him with a nearly inaudible click .

As Gem slept, Toni sent updates to everyone, letting them know Gem was on the mend. Jude had texted several times, each one more concerned than the last. The final text Toni had received had been Jude threatening to call the police if he didn’t hear from Oliver or Toni by the end of the day.

To avoid a possible scuffle with the cops, Toni called Jude immediately. He picked up after only two rings.

“What the hell happened?” he demanded the moment the call connected. “Oliver hasn’t been responding either, and I thought you all had died or something.”

“Sorry,” Toni said. “No one died. You don’t gotta worry about that. Oliver went to Liel’s place, apparently, so he’s probably too busy sucking tentacle to text you.”

“Liel has a tentacle dick?”

“I mean, I didn’t see it, but he’s a Gymnot, so I’d assume so.”

“Huh, that’s—I mean, lucky Oliver.”

Toni laughed. “I guess the tentacle dick has its perks.”

“Jealous?” Jude teased.

“Pft, no. I got two dicks. I think that trumps tentacles.”

On the other end of the line, Jude choked. Like, actually choked. He coughed and wheezed, voice strained as he gasped out, “Took a… drink. Went down… the wrong tube.”

“You good?” Toni asked, wondering if he’d have to figure out how to alert the human emergency services to save Jude from asphyxiating.

“Mhm,” Jude hummed, clearing his throat. “You have, uh, two dicks?”

For the first time, Toni felt a little self-conscious about his anatomy. “Um, yes? It’s normal, you know, for me. Like, it’s an Elas thing.”

“Oh, well, that’s—I mean, that’s—two dicks. Okay.”

Shifting his weight uneasily, Toni ran a hand through his hair, swiping at the stubborn wave that always fell down over his forehead. “Yeah, I guess that ain’t normal for you, huh? Kinda weird.”

“Not weird,” Jude said, a little too quickly. “Just different. I mean, I don’t even have one dick, so.”

“That’s okay. I’d let you borrow one of mine, but they’re securely attached.”

Anxious laughter rang through the phone connection, and Toni grinned as he sat down on his couch, fitting his fin into the slot in the back. “A lovely sentiment,” Jude finally said. “Thanks for the offer. Technically, I have many dicks to choose from; they’re just not securely attached.”

“Accessories,” Toni said, and Jude laughed again.

The line fell silent for several long seconds, and the drunken conversation from the night before seemed to bloom between them.

“Listen,” Toni said at the same time Jude said, “So—”

“Oh, sorry, you go,” Toni said.

“No, I don’t—you go first.”

Settling more comfortably on the couch, Toni leaned his head back to stare up at the ceiling. “Sorry about last night. Calling you like that. I wish I could say I don’t remember everything I said, but I do. And it’s not like what I said ain’t true, but I also get that it was a lot. None of it is your responsibility, okay? I need you to know that.

“It’s me, yeah? My crush or whatever, it’s mine, and I don’t expect anything from you. And I’m sorry if last night, it felt like I was putting it on you. Not that I don’t wanna put things on you, but that’s a different thing.” Toni cringed. “Sorry, that sounded sexier in my head. Fuck.”

“Toni,” Jude said, sounding so inexplicably fond, “it’s fine. I like that you like me. And I like you too. I just can’t do much about it right now.”

“I know,” Toni rushed out. “And I wanna respect that. You have your school, and that’s important.”

“It’s only for the summer.”

“Yeah, and maybe after”—Toni took a fortifying breath, his heart racing under his chest plate—“I could take you on a date.”

“I, uh, I think I’d like that.”

Since he was alone, Toni did a little victory wiggle on the couch. “Cool,” he said, voice so chill. “That’s, uh, good. Real good. We’ll do that.”

“And I’ll still come through the veil sometimes, when I have time. I have a feeling Oliver is gonna be over there with Liel a lot.”

“Yeah, they seem pretty infatuated already. It’s super gross, but I guess it’s also kinda cute.”

“I feel like other people’s love is always like that from an outside perspective. Gross, but cute.”

“But when you’re on the inside, it’s all rainbows and glitter,” Toni said.

“You’ve been in love?” Jude asked.

Now, Toni had had quite a few long-term relationships, and he’d been in love for most of them. Love didn’t have to be permanent to be real. Some love just didn’t last as long as others. He didn’t believe duration or outcome made the feelings less valid.

So, he said, “Yeah, I’ve been in love tons of times. There was this girl a few years back. We were together for a while, and I thought maybe I’d do the whole wife-and-kids-thing with her. But she didn’t feel the same way, so we broke up. She’s married now with a kid on the way, just with some other guy.”

“Mazel tov,” Jude said.

“I don’t know what that means,” Toni admitted.

“Congratulations, essentially.”

“Ah, then yes. All the mazel to her tof.”

“Tov,” Jude corrected.

“Whatever,” Toni dismissed. “What I mean is, I don’t think she didn’t love me just because I wasn’t the guy she wanted to be with forever. And I loved her, even though we didn’t work out in the end. And I loved a guy before her, and before him, there was a—I don’t know how you say it in English. But a person, you know, like Zef—”

“Non-binary?” Jude offered.

“Sure. A non-binary person. I loved them too. I know some people think love ain’t love unless it’s forever, but it feels kind of invalidating to what I felt when I was in those relationships, you know? Just because it didn’t work out in the end or didn’t last shouldn’t mean that it wasn’t love.”

Jude was quiet a moment, like he was choosing his words carefully. “I think one reason people feel that way is because they want love to mean something bigger. For it to be special. And if you love a lot of people, maybe they think it takes away from what love can mean?”

“Fair enough. And for them, maybe that’s what love feels like. It just ain’t that way for me. I can love a lot of people without cheapening what it means. And not loving someone anymore shouldn’t mean that I didn’t love them before. Just because I loved someone before doesn’t mean loving someone new means less. Love ain’t that small, baby.”

“Hmm, love’s not that small,” Jude echoed. “I like that. I think we make love small because if we accept the nuance and depth to it, it’s too scary.”

“Everything in life’s scary. I just don’t like living afraid,” Toni said.

“Easier said than done.”

Toni chuckled, hoping to add levity as he said, “I don’t think you got to worry about living in fear. You cut off your own tits so you could fully live as yourself. That’s pretty fucking brave.”

When Jude spoke, his voice was thick. “Thanks, Toni. I don’t always feel brave.”

“Doesn’t mean you’re not.”

“I’ve never been brave with love or whatever. Not that I had much opportunity. Dating before my transition was kind of awful. It felt wrong having people want me when I existed in a body that never felt like mine. Then after transitioning, it posed another set of equally difficult circumstances.”

“How so? If you don’t mind me asking.”

The line crackled, like Jude was changing positions. “I don’t mind. Uh, dating can be complicated, even when I’m dating within my own community. Some cis-guys don’t take me seriously as a man because I have a vagina. Women are usually more accepting, but it’s a mindfuck for me when someone who, say, identifies as a lesbian is into me. Because then it’s like maybe she sees me as not completely a man, if that makes sense.

“And it hasn’t always been that way. I’ve had really good, validating experiences with people. Like Oliver. He was really great. We just weren’t, like, romantically compatible, you know?

“And in the years since I left home, I’ve been in school and transitioning, which is a lot. And dating on top of that just felt too overwhelming. Too risky, maybe. So, I didn’t. I found people to hook up with to scratch the itch, but never more than that.”

Toni could relate to that a little. The last six months or so had been nothing but strangers in back rooms or booty calls when he was feeling restless. It wasn’t that he’d gotten jaded by his failed relationships. In fact, he looked back on each and every one of those relationships, thankful for the time he’d had with those partners, grateful for what he’d learned—about life and himself—because of them.

To be honest, he loved being someone’s boyfriend, loved the wooing and the seduction, loved having someone in his space, someone to go to the movies with or sit on the couch with and watch bad reality TV. He was kind of a hopeless romantic all things considered.

The problem was that he tended to throw himself into things without thinking of the consequences. He was impulsive and got attached quickly, which was a lot for some people. He was an all or nothing kind of guy, and not everyone was into that.

Which was okay. He wasn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but that didn’t mean he was a bad flavor. He was, as Gem liked to say, an acquired taste, and Toni was willing to wait for the type of people who had the right palate.

And that had led to him slutting around the Pentagram the past few months, which had been fun. But he wanted more from Jude than a quick fuck. Maybe it was fixation, because Jude was human; he was different and new, which excited Toni on a level he hadn’t felt in a long time. Or maybe there was something in Jude that called to him.

They came from different cultures, different dimensions. For fuck’s sake, they were different species, yet they had shared experiences, both rejected in some form by their families, both having found acceptance and connection in the new families forged by choice instead of blood.

In the end, it didn’t matter, not to Toni. He wanted Jude. The why’s weren’t important. Not to him. He liked the human, and he wanted to see where it could go. Maybe it would be nothing. But maybe… maybe it would be everything.

“So,” Toni said when the silence had stretched too far, “you’ve never been in love?”

Jude laughed humorlessly. “No. I’ve never left much room for serious relationships. Life’s easier alone, you know?”

“Nothing wrong with that.”

“I know. It gets lonely, though.”

“Well, I ain’t here asking for your hand in marriage or nothing. But I’d like to take you on that date. You know, when you got the space for it,” Toni said casually, even as his blood hummed with hope.

“I can do that,” Jude said, and Toni smiled in satisfaction.

“Excellent. Until then, you got my number. You can give me a call whenever you got the time. And like you said, Ollie’s gonna be around here a lot, so you got a good excuse to cross the veil and hang out.” He traced the jagged edges of his teeth with his tongue. “And I can prove that Gem was lying about my kissing skills.”

Jude snickered. “You’re talking a big game, you know?”

“And I will deliver, of that you can be sure.”

“Friends that kiss?” Jude asked.

“Friends that definitely kiss,” Toni confirmed.

“I may hold you to that,” Jude said.

Grinning like a fiend, Toni said, “I’d be offended if you didn’t.”