Page 21 of Gratification in Gluttony (Passing Through Cafe #2)

Chapter twenty-one

Boundaries and Forgiveness

They sat tangled together for a long time, both fighting to catch their breath as the sweat cooled on their skin. Jude was covered in Toni’s jizz, which Toni liked immensely. Trailing kisses down Jude’s sweaty temple, Toni rubbed his cum into Jude’s chest, leaving gray streaks on his skin.

“Wonderful,” Jude deadpanned as he glanced down at the absolute mess Toni had made of him. “Now I need to shower again.”

“I’m definitely washing your back this time,” Toni said, and Jude dropped his forehead on Toni’s chest and laughed. “And I’ll eat your ass while I’m at it. Maybe get a third orgasm outta you.”

Jude smacked his thigh, but he was smiling, so Toni didn’t feel truly reprimanded. With a hiss, he lifted off Jude’s dick, ass twinging, but he liked the ache. He wanted the reminder of Jude being inside him, of what they’d shared together.

Jude removed the dildo from his harness and dropped it haphazardly over the side of the bed, wet condom still attached. After loosening the straps, he shimmied out of his harness, and it joined the dildo on the floor. Lying on his side, Toni reached out and traced the marks the harness had left etched in Jude’s skin.

“Does it hurt? The harness?”

Leaning back against the headboard, Jude shook his head. “Not always. It can be uncomfortable, but it’s not usually painful.”

Toni shifted until his head was propped on Jude’s thigh, and he hummed when Jude sifted his fingers through his hair. “Good. ’Cause we’re definitely doing that again.”

“You like the way I fuck you?” Jude said, tightening his grip on Toni’s hair until his scalp prickled.

“Yeah, bitesize, I like the way you fuck me.” Toni turned his head and kissed his thigh. “But now I need a nap or something.”

“Maybe a shower first?” Jude suggested, and Toni whined in protest before he nodded.

“Fine. I guess I should probably clean the lube from my ass before it dries.”

Snickering, Jude slid down until he was horizontal beside Toni. Their legs tangled, and Toni smiled as Jude leaned in and kissed him, tongue lazy against his. They kissed, slow and easy, for several long minutes, and it was so good.

But the moment shattered when the front door opened, and Oliver called out, “Honey, I’m home!”

And every muscle in Jude’s body locked. “Shit,” he hissed as he immediately rolled away and scrambled to his feet. “I thought he was at Liel’s all weekend.”

Sitting up, Toni frowned as Jude hurriedly wiped his chest clean with his shirt before he grabbed a new one from his dresser and tugged it on. “What’s wrong?” Toni asked.

“Shh, he’ll hear you,” Jude said as he tugged his sweats back on.

“So?” Toni asked, genuinely confused. “Is that such a bad thing?”

“Jude?” Oliver said, footsteps approaching.

“Yeah,” Jude called back as he ran his hand through his hair to tame the crazed curls. “I’m coming out. Just give me a second.”

“Stop jerking off, I have important things to tell you,” Oliver sing-songed.

“Fuck you,” Jude grumbled, and Oliver laughed before he retreated back to the living room.

Facing Toni, Jude looked torn for a moment, before he put a finger to his lips and whispered, “Be quiet. I’ll be right back.”

“What?” Toni said, and Jude waved at him aggressively.

“Shh, just wait here. I’ll come back soon, and we can… figure something out.”

“Jude,” Toni said, but the human was already slipping out of the room, shutting the door firmly behind him.

Naked and suddenly cold, Toni shifted awkwardly on the bed where he’d had Jude’s dick in his ass less than fifteen minutes ago. He was at a loss for words, which for him was kind of a big deal. Had Jude seriously just left him here?

“You deserve more than being someone’s dirty, little secret,” Gem had said, and it had cut because it was putting words to the fears Toni had been ignoring. But this was the confirmation, wasn’t it? Jude was ashamed of him. On some level, he wanted to keep Toni a secret from Oliver—from everyone, maybe.

And that fucking hurt.

Toni sat with it for a while, barely listening to the buzz of Jude and Oliver’s conversation. He’d lived most of his life knowing that his family was, to some extent or another, ashamed of him. His father had loathed the softness in him and tried to make him hard and rough. His mother had been embarrassed when Toni came out at thirteen, bringing a boy from his class home to meet her—

“Not in front of the neighbors, Toni! What are you thinking?”

—And his sisters had simply followed suit. It was always, “You cry more than we do.” And, “Are you stupid or something?” And, “Oh, just ignore him, he’s practically one of the girls anyway.”

Rubbing at his chest over his now aching heart, Toni took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He didn’t know why Jude wanted to hide him away, and maybe one day, Toni would be ready to hear his reasoning. But everything was too raw right now. They’d just shared something Toni hadn’t even begun to process, and—fuck, he was still wearing the makeup, wasn’t he?

His fight with Gem was feeling more and more like his fault, and everything was bare and sensitive. Suddenly feeling like he couldn’t breathe, Toni quietly crawled off the bed and grabbed his clothes. Using the same shirt Jude had, he cleaned up as best he could before tugging on his underwear, then his jeans.

When he was fully dressed, he spotted the pile of makeup items on the dresser and searched through them for a bottle of remover. It was there, along with some facial tissues, and using the compact mirror, Toni cleaned the eyeshadow off. He couldn’t get the liner and mascara off completely, but it would do.

He stared down at his sparkly nails, and the idea of removing the color made him catch his breath on a dry sob. So he fisted his hands and went for the door. Part of him wanted to charge out there, regardless of whether Oliver would see him or not. But he couldn’t do that to Jude; it wouldn’t be fair, not when Toni didn’t understand Jude’s hesitance.

So he stood at the door and waited, hand on the knob, for an opportunity to get the fuck out of there. There were some things he could live with, but being abandoned in Jude’s room, told to hide away while Jude did fuck-all with Oliver, wasn’t one of them.

It took ten minutes, but eventually, Oliver said, “I have to use the bathroom, but there’s still more. Liel’s gonna meet my parents, I think. Isn’t that insane?”

“Wow,” Jude said. “Oliver, that’s huge.”

“I know. But seriously, my bladder’s about to explode. Give me two minutes.”

Toni tightened his grip on the doorknob, and the second he heard the bathroom latch click, he opened Jude’s door and headed for the exit. Jude was on his way to Toni, apparently, and he widened his eyes in alarm as Toni strode passed him.

“What are you doing?” he whispered.

“I can’t stay in your room,” Toni said, keeping his tone calm. “I ain’t doing that.”

“Toni, wait,” Jude said, grabbing his arm.

Toni shook him off easily. “I don’t get what’s going on here. You don’t wanna tell Ollie about me? Okay, that’s your choice. But I get my own choices too. And I ain’t sitting in your room, hiding away like I’m something you’re ashamed of.”

“That’s not—” Jude tried, and Toni cupped his face, smiling sadly down at him.

“Maybe it’s not, but it sure feels that way to me. And it fucking sucks, Jude.” Jude’s eyes watered at Toni’s honesty, and Toni hated putting that expression on his face. “I ain’t mad, baby. Okay? But I can’t stay in that room. What happened—” Toni’s voice caught, and he cleared his throat and laughed humorlessly. “That meant something to me, okay? And if it didn’t to you, that ain’t your fault. But I can’t change that either. So maybe we need to call it, because I don’t think I can keep doing this.”

“Toni,” Jude whimpered.

“I’m half in love with you already, you know? Ain’t that fucking stupid?” Toni laughed again, and it was wet and thick. “But that’s on me too. I love big; I always have. And I’m sorry if that’s too much for you.”

The toilet flushed, and Toni was running out of time. “Listen to me. You’re almost done with your summer school, and you gotta finish strong, because you’re so fucking smart, Jude. So you finish it, and you finish it right. And after—” Toni’s voice broke again, and he growled in frustration. “And after, when you figure out what you want, give me a call. You got my number.”

“Toni, don’t—” Jude tried again, but Toni cut him off with a painful kiss.

“Ollie’s almost done,” he said against Jude’s mouth. “We’re out of time, baby.”

“I-I—Toni, I—”

“It’s okay.” Toni kissed him for what he hoped wouldn’t be the last time. Then he opened the front door and stepped into the hall. “You said from the start what this was, and it’s my fault we’re here right now. I just couldn’t stay away. Then I thought I could change your mind, and that’s on me. So just… It’s okay.”

A single tear glistened on Jude’s cheek, and it broke Toni’s heart. “I don’t know what to do,” he said, and Toni offered him another miserable smile.

“When you figure it out, let me know. I got time. Just promise me something?”

Jude nodded. “Anything.”

“Get some sleep.” He reached out and traced the shadows under Jude’s eyes. “You gotta take care of yourself.”

“Toni.”

“See you around, bitesize.”

The door to the bathroom opened right as Toni ducked out of the loft, shutting the door firmly behind him. He stood there for a moment, trying to quell the overwhelming emotions roiling like a maelstrom in his gut.

He heard Oliver say, “Who was that?”

Jude sniffed but didn’t answer.

“Jude? Who was that?” Oliver repeated.

Toni waited, a tiny spark of hope fighting for its last breath.

With a shaky exhale, Jude blew the spark out as he said, “UberEats. They had the wrong apartment.”

And Toni sighed in resignation. He didn’t wait around to listen longer. He turned away and left his human—who wasn’t actually his human at all, was he?—behind.

The whole journey back, Toni rang Gem, but Gem didn’t answer. Toni felt like a complete and utter asshole as their argument played over and over in his mind. And it was all his fault, the whole thing. Gem had just been trying to help, trying to share in Toni’s excitement while also being a voice of reason. Toni had gotten defensive and succumbed to his temper, like he tended to do, and he needed to fix it.

He got off the train at Lust station and rode the tram to Gem’s place. It was late, but not late enough that Gem would be asleep. So when he knocked on the door and heard no response, he frowned.

“Gemmy?” Toni knocked again, listening for a sign that Gem was home and maybe just ignoring him. But it was dead silent inside.

Settling on the floor in front of Gem’s door, Toni leaned his temple on the wood and closed his eyes. He’d wait for Gem to come home, and he’d apologize. Hopefully, Gem would forgive him. You know, after reaming Toni out for being a total douchebag, and then maybe he’d hold Toni and tell him everything was going to be okay.

He didn’t mean to drift off, but he jerked into awareness as a body joined him on the floor, smelling like coffee and cinnamon and tobacco, like he’d been smoking. Which was weird, because Gem didn’t smoke. Usually.

But Toni didn’t care about that, because he just wanted to dive into Gem’s arms and stay there forever. He didn’t. He studied Gem’s profile as his friend stared at the floor between his raised knees.

“I’m sorry,” Toni said, because it had to come from him first. “I was a huge dick. Like, the biggest dick in the history of dicks. And not in the fun way.”

Gem’s chin trembled, his tiny, red eyes flooding with tears. “The biggest dick.”

“Yeah. I shouldn’t have said what I said or left like that. You were saying things that I’d been pretending weren’t there, and I didn’t wanna hear it. And I lashed out, and I’m sorry. Gemmy, I’m sorry.” Toni brushed his knuckles down Gem’s middle arm. “Can you forgive me?”

Head rolling against the door, Gem finally looked at him. “Of course, I can forgive you. I shouldn’t have let you leave—”

“You couldn’t have stopped me.”

Gem cupped Toni’s cheek with his upper hand. “I still should have tried.”

“I’m sorry,” Toni said again, eyes burning.

“Me too,” Gem said, leaning in to press his forehead to Toni’s. “Wait, are you wearing makeup?”

“Yeah.”

“It looks nice.”

And Toni sniffled out a pathetic, “Thanks.”

“Why do you smell like sex?” Gem asked with a wrinkle of his nose.

“Jude and I fucked,” Toni said around his sniffles. “But Ollie came home, and—Gem, you were right. You were right about everything.”

“I usually am,” Gem said in an attempt at levity, softening when Toni’s face crumpled. “Oh, Toni, it’s okay. Come inside and tell me what happened.”

“You’re too good for me, you know that?” Toni let Gem help him to his feet, and the Araknis snorted.

“I’m fully aware of that. I’ve always been out of your league, you bastard,” Gem said, sniffing loudly as he wiped at his cheeks with a middle hand. “You’re so lucky I love you.”

Toni laughed thickly. “I know.”

“Stupid asshole,” Gem muttered as he led Toni into his apartment.

“Diva bitch,” Toni shot back, though there was no heat, given that he was crying and all.

Gem half-laughed, half-cried as he enveloped Toni in a hug, and Toni held on for dear life. Eventually, they parted, and Gem forced him to shower because, “I’m not cuddling with you when you’re covered in Jude’s jizz.”

“It’s my jizz, technically,” Toni corrected, and Gem pursed his lips and silently pointed at the bathroom.

So Toni showered, then he crawled into Gem’s bed in his underwear and practically collapsed on top of his best friend. Gem wrapped him up, numerous hands petting him all over as his leg slotted between Gem’s. Closing his eyes, Toni listened to the comforting rhythm of Gem’s hearts and sighed.

“What happened?” Gem asked after a fashion.

“I crossed the veil, and Jude was… He was just really nice about everything. I was crying, and he didn’t even care.”

“But you’re such an ugly crier,” Gem said, and Toni snorted.

“I know, but he held me and let me ugly-cry all over him.”

“That’s sweet.”

Turning his head, he tucked his face under Gem’s chin and traced the red swirls on Gem’s chest with his index finger. “Then we were talking, and I told him about Pop catching me with the makeup.”

The hand in Toni’s hair twitched, pressing harder to his scalp. But Gem didn’t interrupt him as he kept going.

“He painted my nails and did my eye makeup. He said that I was pretty. Then we fucked, and, Gem—” Toni shook his head. “I don’t know, it was something else. And it was perfect. But then Ollie came home, and Jude freaked out. Told me to stay in his room and be quiet.”

Gem’s fur vibrated, releasing a barely audible angry hum, but Toni soothed him, rubbing at his chest. “Hey, it’s okay. Jude has his reasons—”

“Bullshit,” Gem snapped.

“I ain’t ready for you to talk shit about him, okay?” Toni warned, and Gem settled with an annoyed huff. “But as I was sitting there, I realized you were right. I didn’t want to be his dirty, little secret. So I left.”

“What did Ollie do?”

“He was in the bathroom when I left.”

“You’re nicer than I would have been,” Gem said, and he wasn’t lying.

“I’m not mad at him, not really. I don’t know his reasons, and maybe he’ll tell me one day so I can understand. But I’m not mad. I didn’t wanna hurt him.”

“But you’re hurt,” Gem said, and Toni shrugged.

“A little.”

“Toni.”

Heaving a deep breath, Toni continued tracing the red swirls. “Yeah, I’m hurt. I was too much Toni, you know? Brought it on myself.”

“No, you didn’t. You just love so hard, and not everyone knows what to do with that.” Gem pecked the top of his head as his lower hands rubbed soothingly over Toni’s back and spinal fin. “I’m proud of you for leaving. I know boundaries are hard.”

“I just couldn’t stay in his room,” Toni said.

“And you shouldn’t have had to. You did the right thing.”

“Then why do I feel like shit?” Toni grumbled, and Gem tightened his embrace.

“Sometimes, doing the right thing feels shitty. Doesn’t mean it was wrong.”

They lay in silence for a long time, and Toni’s lids grew heavy. “Can I sleep here?”

“I figured that was a given.”

Toni lifted off Gem’s chest enough for Gem to reach out and click the side table lamp off, bathing the flat in darkness. Moonlight filtered through the curtains, and Toni studied Gem’s face as he settled back on the bed.

“What?” Gem asked, eyes blinking discordantly.

“Where were you, by the way?”

A fang caught his bottom lip, dimpling the skin. “Went for a walk.”

“A walk?”

“Yeah, to clear my head.” Opening his arms in invitation, Gem waved Toni back in, and he went, snuggling back into Gem’s side.

“Where’d you walk?”

He felt Gem’s hesitance as he said, “The Point.”

“What the fuck were you doing at The Point? That’s, like, fancy vacation condos for Pride dickheads!”

“I know that! We were just walking okay?”

That brought Toni up short. “We?”

The hand rubbing Toni’s fin paused. “Oh, uh, Rusty was with me.”

Out of everything that Gem could have said, for some reason, that confused Toni the most. “What?”

Heaving a huge sigh, Gem said, “That’s what I was trying to tell you earlier, when you wouldn’t get off your phone.”

“That you walk with Rusty?” Toni asked, and Gem shrugged.

“I mean, not always walk, but we hang out sometimes.”

Toni propped himself on his elbow and scowled down at Gem. “Why? He’s the worst.”

Gem rolled several eyes. “He is not.”

“Yes, Gem, he is,” Toni insisted. “He’s a grumpy, entitled, punk-ass little bitch.”

“Wow, tell me how you really feel,” Gem said sarcastically.

“No, I just mean—he’s a—he’s so… Why are you hanging out with him?”

“Because we’re friends,” Gem said, like it was the most normal thing in the world.

Toni shook his head. “No.”

Gem’s brows furrowed. “I’m sorry? No? ”

“No. That just don’t make sense. Rusty is the worst. You’re the best. So you being friends is a no for me.”

“Good thing you can’t dictate who I’m friends with,” Gem retorted, tone cooling. “I know that you and him have had a weird vibe ever since he started at the cafe, but—”

“He’s a punk, Gem.”

“Oh my gods, he’s mellowed out so much.”

Mellowed out? Were they even talking about the same person here?

“He was a punk then, and he’s a punk now!”

“Of course he was a punk then,” Gem said. “He was nineteen. We’re all punks at nineteen.”

“But he—”

Holding up a hand, Gem said, “Stop it! Whatever issue you have with him, get over it. We’ve worked together for years, and he’s honestly kind of nice.” He paused, then backtracked. “You know, deep down inside.”

Toni barely held back a gag. “Why are you getting deep down inside him, Gemae?”

“Ugh, I knew you’d be like this,” Gem rubbed between his biggest eyes. “Listen, we’re just friends. We smoke weed together sometimes and watch anime. And yeah, sometimes, we go on walks. It’s not that deep.”

“Stop using the word deep when you talk about him. It’s triggering something inside me, and it’s very unpleasant,” Toni said.

With a shake of his head, Gem fell back onto the bed and scrubbed a hand over his face. “Whatever. I’m allowed to be friends with Rusty if I want. He’s not that bad if you give him a chance.”

“It’s like you’re speaking another language,” Toni grumbled as he settled back in, resting his head on Gem’s shoulder. “I don’t see how that kid can be nice, whether it’s deep or not.”

“Kid?” Out of everything Toni had said, this garnered the worst reaction. “He’s not a kid, Toni! What the fuck?”

“He’ll always be that nineteen-year-old little prick.”

“That’s so unfair,” Gem said, smacking Toni in the forehead. “People are allowed to grow and change. And don’t call him a kid. That’s just creepy.”

Gem shuddered, and Toni pouted as he rubbed at his smarting forehead. “Whatever. I guess have fun being friends with a grouchy, little asshole.”

“Hmm, I thought you’d be mature about this.” Gem rolled over, giving Toni his back.

“Don’t be like that, Gemmy.” Toni spooned him, tightening his arm around Gem’s waist. “I just don’t get why you’d wanna hang out with him.”

“That’s because you don’t know him,” Gem whispered. “He can be sweet.”

“Sweet? Ew! That’s somehow worse than deep.”

Gem’s shoulders shook with an exasperated chuckle. “Shut up, Toni.”

“I love you,” Toni sang, blowing a raspberry into Gem’s neck and making him shriek with laughter.

“Sometimes, I wish I didn’t love you back,” Gem teased, and Toni snorted.

“You’re lying, and I love that for us.”

“Goodnight, Toni,” Gem said, effectively ending the conversation.

“Goodnight, Gem.” As Toni cuddled close, securing himself to Gem’s back, he said, “You and me against the world. Right?”

And Gem said, “Always.”