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CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN

Cassius

I shouldn’t have said that.

Fuck , I really shouldn’t have, but now that the words are out there, I can’t take them back.

Skylar blinks at me repeatedly, almost as if he’s taking it all in and trying not to freak out. There are things he can’t hide, though. Like the tremble of his fingers as he retracts his hand to the way his lower lip begins to wobble. “Okay.”

“Shit, that makes it sound bad,” I say, reaching for him, only for him to keep his hands just out of my reach.

“I don’t think there’s any other way for it to sound.”

I close my eyes again and sigh. “It’s complicated.”

“I’m not dumb.”

It’s said so defensively that I snap my eyes open. He’s pissed now, brow furrowed and upper lip curled. “I know you’re not,” I rectify. Because I can’t help it, I squirm in my seat and reach for him again. “Can you come here, please.”

Although he’s upset, it looks like he debates it for a second. “You’re hurt.”

“It hurts me more to have you this far away,” I say honestly, hoping he can see the desperation in my eyes to have him close to me.

Nibbling on his bottom lip, he blessedly relents. As he scoots in, finally within reach, I snatch him up and drag him across my chest. It hurts like hell, and I can’t hide my wince, but I need him like this. I need him leaning on my chest, his tuft of pink hair just under my nose, his warm body safe and cradled against mine.

Because now I can breathe again.

“So, it was about me?” he asks after a second, giving in and tracing the sun tattoo on my chest.

I did say that, but it’s not entirely what I meant. Despite what Skylar thinks, I am human. Sometimes things just come out the way they aren’t meant to be taken, or I don’t choose my words carefully enough.

I lick my lips, more careful this time as I speak. “I liked the control it gave me. I liked the feeling of winning, especially when it was starting to feel like my life was one huge loss.”

He pulls back and frowns up at me. “Why would you say that?”

This is the part that’s going to hurt. Because even though I did this to satisfy the parts of me I’ve tried to repress, he was the root of it all at the end of the day. It might not be fair to put that on him, but I’m tired of lying. I was going to lie so easily, but it’s out there now. He doesn’t deserve to be coddled.

He deserves the truth.

So, with a deep breath, I say, “Because the love of my life was never going to feel the same way about me.”

It’s been such a long time coming. I know he knows what I feel about him. Skylar might be a little oblivious, but there’s no room for confusion after what we shared last night. If there was, my love for him would truly be a hopeless case.

It feels good to say…even though I didn’t technically say it. Almost liberating. Like all those pieces of me that were covered by wire, bleeding with the urge to break free, are finally allowed to gasp for breath.

I don’t know what I expect him to do. Maybe break down with a similar confession of love? Perhaps he’ll cry? I love him, but Skylar’s always crying. Or he might even kiss me and forget we need to have this conversation.

None of those things happen.

“Is this how we’re going to do it?” he snaps, almost angry.

I rear my head back as my heart stops. “Do what?”

“Tell each other how we feel?” he clarifies with a pout. “It’s not very romantic.”

Tell each other how we feel .

I can’t stop the wide smile that breaks out across my face. I also can’t help reaching down so I can tip his chin up and slam my lips against his. I know he’s pissed, but fuck me, I don’t care. I need to feel his mouth brushing mine, his tongue sweeping across my bottom lip, his little whine that lets me know everything is going to be okay.

When I pull back, he’s adorably put out. He wants to be angry and stubborn, but there’s a sparkle in his dual-colored eyes that he can’t hide. “Do you want it to be romantic?”

He rolls those same sparkling eyes. “Uh, duh.”

“Okay.” I nod, hugging him closer. “I can do that, sunshine.”

“But I’m not done,” he insists stubbornly, pushing against my chest. I growl when I think he’s going to move away from me, but he rolls his eyes yet again and stays put. “Were you ever going to tell me about the fighting?”

I suck in a sharp breath, but I know what the truth is. “No.”

I would never want to worry Skylar. I’d keep every bad and harmful thing to myself if it meant guaranteeing him a happy and safe life.

“Would you have stopped?”

“I think so?” I chew on the inside of my cheek as I shrug, wincing when the movement jostles my bad shoulder. “Fighting is addictive, sunshine. There’s just something about it that’s… I don’t know how to describe the feeling I get.”

“I mean, professional fighting is a thing, so you’re not alone,” he says, nodding in understanding. Glancing down at his hands, he starts fucking with his cuticles, immediately letting me know there’s something on his mind he doesn’t want to share. After giving him a meaningful look, he sighs and relents. “Is it bad that I’m not upset that you were doing it, just that you didn’t tell me?”

“No,” I say honestly, then pause. “You’re okay with it? Really?”

“Yes and no.” He tips his head back and forth. “If it’s something you like doing, then I can get behind it, but not like this. There are actual gyms out there where you can do this kind of stuff, you know? Legally. ”

“I hadn’t thought of that,” I mumble. “I guess maybe there was a certain appeal to the money too.

“But you’re only doing it because of me…”

“I think it’s more than that,” I insist. “Sure, it started out that way, but I genuinely enjoy it.”

His eyebrows pinch as he searches my eyes. “How could you?”

“What do you mean?”

“You used to fight all the time, Cass. I thought you hated it?”

Memories that I usually don’t allow to surface come back.

Always coming home with broken knuckles.

A little bit of blood permanently on the collar of my shirt.

A crying Skylar.

But through all those memories, all the beatings I gave in the name of my best friend, I realize something. “I never hated it.”

His eyes widen. “Really? I thought?—”

“When we were younger, I fought to protect you, but a part of me always…enjoyed it.” I can see now as an adult that I could have easily stopped what I was doing. There were other ways I could have taken care of Skylar, but I always chose to make things physical. “It sounds so wrong.”

“Right or wrong, I don’t care,” he rushes out, moving onto his knees so he can carefully straddle me. Cupping my bruised face in his hands, he gives me a watery smile. “Cassy, you accept me for everything I am. You’re there for me. I’m just hurt that you didn’t think you could tell me.”

“Maybe it was something for me. Something that was just mine.”

That’s something else I hadn’t considered. I want Skylar to be in every part of my life…but maybe it was a little nice to have this one thing I didn’t share with him. Something to remind me that I’m a full person outside of my love for him. I’ve still been in love with him, of course, but during those fights, I didn’t live for him.

“Do you need that?” he asks, and when I tentatively nod, he smiles. “Okay. Well, this can be your thing.”

I raise an eyebrow at that. Skylar is very intense—in the best way—and he loves being in people’s business. Again, not in a bad way, just in that sort of endearing manner that makes it hard to say no to him. So, I’m shocked. “You’re okay with that?”

“Of course!” he yells, throwing his hands in the air in exasperation. “Ugh, and to think I thought you were a genius.”

I laugh alongside him and drag him back onto my chest. “So, we’re good?”

“We’re good. Don’t lie to me again, though,” he snaps and presses a delicate finger against my nose. “That wasn’t very nice.”

I chuckle. “I’m sorry, sunshine.”

“I forgive you.” He rests his head on my shoulder again, but something’s not right.

“Sunshine?” I ask, feeling the way his shoulders are too tense. “Are you sure you’re okay with it? Really? I could?—”

“I decided I’m going to therapy,” he blurts out, almost like a little squeak.

Treading lightly, I exhale a slow breath. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” He looks up, giving me a crooked smile, and shrugs. “It’s… It’s time.”

I’m so fucking happy to hear that. I’ve never pushed for Skylar to go to therapy, but it’s an awesome idea. There are things he has to deal with. He’s been fine. Nothing’s happened, but that doesn’t mean everything from his past can magically be erased.

I want to pry and ask him what caused this sudden decision, but I decide to table. Now, I just want to enjoy being here with him. “I’ll be here for you in whatever way you need.”

He smiles that breathtaking grin that always sets my heart alight. “I love you, Cassy.”

“I love you too, my sunshine,” I whisper, brushing my lips gently against his, hissing when he shifts and digs his knee into my side. “Ouch.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” he apologizes with a wince as he slides off me. “Are you really okay, though? Do we have to go back to the ER?”

“No,” I say truthfully. “I’m good. Just sore as fuck.” Suddenly realizing the room seems…different, I wrinkle my nose. “Were you cooking?”

He throws his head back with a laugh and, against his protests, I go to the kitchen to help him clean up the mess he made. It warms my heart to see that he was preparing my favorite dinner, and we compromise by making pancakes together. I won’t tell him that his eggs are horrendously dry or that his hash browns are bricks.

I just enjoy this feeling.

Like everything is clicking into place.

Like everything is finally turning out the way it was always meant to be.