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CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

Cassius

Continuing to glance down at my watch, I’m impatient as I wait for Skylar to come home. In an unusual turn of events, he decided to spend his one free day hanging out with Max and Everest.

I shoot up off the couch when the million deadbolts are unlocked. Rushing to the door, I don’t care that I look like an over-eager puppy. Skylar’s eyes are wide as he takes me in, almost like he’s shocked, but it quickly morphs into happiness as he drops his bag and steps into my arms.

“Hey,” he says, burying his nose in my neck. “I missed you.”

I inhale the smell of strawberry shampoo and smile against the top of his head. “I missed you too.” Pulling back, I rub his flushed cheek with the back of my hand. “You look a bit red.”

Nodding, his delicate fingers hook into my shorts. “We went to the beach.” He bites down on his bottom lip and smirks. “Were you waiting up for me?”

“Fuck yeah,” I growl, tugging him closer by his throat. “You know I can’t sleep without knowing where you are.”

He hums as he lays his head on my chest. “I know. I love you, Cassy.”

“I love you too, sunshine.” I gulp, my fingers tightening on his hips as I clear my throat. “I actually have something to tell you.”

“Yeah?”

“I, um…” I lick my lips, suddenly a little bit nervous. “I think, well, no. I know that I want to talk to that producer again.”

I didn’t come to this decision lightly. I was adamant about not wanting that, but I think I was just being stubborn. I never really gave it the serious consideration that it deserved. But ever since meeting Nancy, there’s been this nagging feeling in my gut, like maybe I missed out on a chance. I think the feeling is regret. Not necessarily because getting signed is something I dreamed of, but because I closed a door that I might have wanted to walk through.

I’m not doing this for Skylar, no matter how much he wanted me too. I’m actually doing this for myself. Because who knows? I could talk to her and hate the idea. I could talk to her and love it. The point is, there are so many possibilities I hadn’t considered, and I don't want to close myself off to any of them.

Skylar reacts just as predicted. He squeals, but it’s tame, like he’s super excited for me but doesn’t want to show it. Testing the waters, he tamps down his enthusiasm and clears his throat. “And how does that make you feel?”

I snort and roll my eyes, guiding him backwards into the living room. “Like it’s something new. Like I’m a bit scared but in a good way?”

“That’s great,” he coos, rubbing a hand up and down my thigh as we sit. “Oh, I’m just so proud of you.” His eyes widen. “Well, I’m always proud, but?—”

I chuckle and kiss his temple. “I know what you mean.”

“I just want you to be happy,” he says adamantly. “That’s all I ever wanted, and I’ll support however I can help get you there.”

“Thank you,” I tell him. I make us more comfortable on the couch and quirk an eyebrow. “So, what did you get up to all day?”

He suppresses a laugh. “Max had never before, so we had a few cocktails and just chilled. Oh!” Leaving me for a moment to rummage through his bag, he returns with his pink notebook in hand. “We added to the list!”

He opens the notebook, and I see that they have, indeed, added quite a few things.

MUST LOOK GOOD NAKED.

MUST BE HONEST.

MUST HAVE GOOD TOENAILS.

To the last one, I quirk an eyebrow, and he just sighs. “I don’t know. Max has a thing for feet or something.”

I take a look through the list and catalogue all the things that have been written. Some are silly, some are important, and there’s one about a candle I don’t get, but overall, it’s coming together.

But…

“You know, sunshine. There’s something missing here that’s really important,” I say, softly closing the notebook and setting it on the table.

He cocks his head with a questioning look. “Huh? I mean, I’m sure there is, but what are you thinking?”

I don’t know why my lips are suddenly so dry or my heart starts racing. This is Skylar, for fuck’s sake. I don’t get nervous around him. Still, my hand is a bit shaky as I raise it to cup his cheek. “Can I show you?”

He innocently nods, his eyes wide with trust as I lean in and kiss him.

I can’t say what’s so different about this kiss from the rest we’ve shared. We’ve been kissing our entire lives. At first, for comfort, then out of habit, and finally due to need. This is different, though.

Skylar thinks I’m some type of poet. That I’m good with my words, but I’m not. Sure, I take time to think through the things I say, but that doesn’t mean I’m good at actually saying what I want. Not like Skylar, who’s just so brave and speaks his mind.

So, through this kiss, I show him what I feel. As I dip my tongue slightly into his parted lips and breathe in his shaky exhale, I hope he can understand all the unspoken words I’m trying to convey.

He pulls back, a bit breathless, and his lips quirk into a shaky smile. “Chemistry?”

It’s not exactly what I want, but it’s close enough. I nod and take his hand. For what I have planned, I don’t want to be on the couch. Instead of taking us to his room, I bring him to mine. Maybe in the back of my mind, I knew I’d want to do this tonight, because I actually made the bed for once and picked up all the dirty clothes that are usually scattered on the floor.

The air shifts as our lips meet once again, and his soothing presence wraps around me. Usually frantic with energy, this kiss is long and drawn out. It’s a gentle flick of tongues, a soft exchange of breath, a sweet representation of what we really are to each other.

Soulmates.

When I lay him back on the bed, he wordlessly strips. I join him, and with every article of clothing that’s shed, it’s not just our bodies that grow closer. In my mind, we’re connecting like we never have before. And all of it is due to sheer intention.

Because while I love him when I fuck him like I hate him, I want to show him what it’s like to be treasured.

To be in love .

“Cassius,” he breathes out, head tipped back as I suck his little cock into my mouth. “That’s not what I want right now.”

Licking a stripe up his length, I kiss the tip. “I know, sunshine. Can you hold on for me?” I scrape my nails soothingly down his open legs. “Can you just let me…”

Make love to you.

Fuck, how cheesy does that sound? But it’s the truth. It’s what I want. It’s what I’ve wanted since the moment Skylar and I were old enough to understand what sex was. Something reverent and sacred. Something that you can only ever have with one person. Something special.

I’m too clouded in my absolute obsession with him to understand what the widening of his eyes means, or the shaky exhale he lets out. But when he nods with a cute little smile, I continue.

I think I torture him.

I spend countless minutes worshipping his body and finding all the spots that make his toes curl and his eyes flutter shut. I spend an hour opening him up for me and bringing him close to the surface, only to drag him back down into the state of meaningful lust. I explore. Simply explore all the places I’ve been too hasty to get to know.

The spot behind his ear that, when I lick, elicits the sexiest whimper.

The crevice of his elbow that, when I kiss, causes him to giggle.

The back of his knee that, when I give attention to, makes him moan.

All his smooth edges are exposed to me, and when I get to his arms, I take a silent moment of remembrance. A second to appreciate how far Skylar has come.

My words fail me again as I slide into him. I shudder, bending his arm over his head so I can drop a kiss to the inside of his wrist where the most violent scar rests. As I deliver deep, smooth thrusts, I settle my lips against every scar I can reach.

“C-Cass,” Skylar whispers, and when I look down at his beautiful face, I see a single tear tracking down his cheek. “No one’s ever…”

I nod as I thread my fingers with his. “I know.”

“Why are you doing it?”

“Because…” I groan as I bury myself deep inside him, resting there, locked in this eternal moment of peace. “Because I need you to finally understand.”

His breath hitches, and I can’t look into his eyes. I’m baring myself, heart and soul, and it’s simultaneously the most painful and liberating feeling.

This is it, isn’t it?

This is the moment that’s going to change everything.

It’s either going to be the end of us or the beginning of a brand-new story.

When I feel his small hand press against my chest and push, my stomach sinks. I don’t let it show on my face, but the heartbreak is enough to rattle the Earth and destroy my very sense of self.

But I don’t regret it.

I never said the words, but I don’t regret my actions. Actions that have clearly displayed the kind of love I feel for him. Actions that have consequences. Consequences like finally hearing Skylar admit that he’ll never love me the way I love him.

I expect him to disentangle himself from me the second I’m on my back. Instead, he swings his legs over my body and straddles my hips. My eyes widen as my jaw drops on a gasp. “Skylar?—”

“I…” He bites down on his bottom lip, worrying his finger over the sun tattoo on my chest. “I’m not good at this.”

He doesn’t have to specify. He never does. Skylar is comfortable in his skin. I’m not trying to make him sound like something he isn’t, but he’s had countless sex before. He’s confident when it comes to that.

But this ? Feelings ? It’s always been his weakness.

But his weakest parts are safe with me. I’ll cradle them in my hands and shield them from the rest of the world because that’s what love is.

He’s shuddering on top of me, shaky hands digging into my chest. “I want…” As he turns his head to the side, he looks almost embarrassed. “Cassius, I’m not too sure how to do this. I’ve never had to before.”

Once again, it’s spoken but left unsaid. I curl my fingers against his hips, brushing the scars there too, and lean up to kiss him. “Show me,” I whisper against his lips, soothing his shudders. “Show me, sunshine.”

He’s reluctant to part from my lips, but does so with a tentative nod. Still unsure of himself, he reaches back to grasp my cock and slot the tip against his hole. Sliding down slowly, he takes every inch of me at an agonizingly cruel pace.

I realize, as he’s working himself over on me, as he’s opening himself up to what I’m offering, that this might be the last straw.

This might be what breaks me.