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CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

Skylar

I’m terrified.

As I ride Cassius, I can’t stop shaking. It’s like nerves I’ve never felt before around him are surfacing. Like I’m keenly aware of what he and this moment mean to both of us.

I’ve never been good at sticking to things. I tend to hop from one activity to another. I don’t settle like other people do. I’ve never been the kind to commit.

But I’ve committed my life to Cassius.

What does that mean?

The conversation I had with Max and Everest comes to mind. I never imagined that in my attempt to build a perfect boyfriend that this would happen. I’m honestly not even too sure what this is.

Yes, you are.

Trying to block out that desperately hopeful voice, I close my eyes. I let myself just feel Cassius’s strong form beneath me. I let myself dive deep into the feeling of being stuffed and filled and?—

But my mind drifts.

Sex has never been like this before. I like my fucking to be something that gives me a release. Not just coming, but fading into nothingness. I like getting out of my own head. I like zoning out and just experiencing all the sensations. I don’t like it when I’m still able to think in coherent sentences. I want to get fucked to within an inch of my life.

So, why am I doing this now?

You know.

But I don’t. That’s the thing. I’m so…confused. Can someone have confusing clarity? Like the doors to a new world have opened, but it’s still so blurry?

“Sunshine,” he rasps, his thumb brushing against a particularly nasty scar on my hip. “It’s okay.”

I don’t realize I’m crying until he says this. I’m not sad, far from it, but untangling my emotions has always been a challenge for me. Just because I feel everything so vividly doesn’t mean that I always know what they mean.

“D-Do I have to say it?” I ask quietly as I rock myself on his cock. “Cassy, do I have to?”

I glance back at his face to see nothing but love in his expression. Not just love. Understanding . He shakes his head. “No. No, you don’t.”

“But you can feel it, right?” I ask, almost beg as I pick up my pace. Fully bouncing on his cock, I try to chase the feeling of flying. “Please, tell me you can.”

He nods as his breath hitches, his chest beneath my hand starting to tense with pleasure. “Yeah.”

Good. Now I don’t have to think. Now I can just feel.

But it’s not enough.

Fuck, why isn’t it enough?

I’m not losing myself the way I normally do. This is…better, somehow. This connection I feel with him runs so deep. Pieces I never thought to join come together in a beautiful mosaic pattern that glows in the darkness of the room.

I love him.

But it’s so much more than that, isn’t it?

I love him.

No, it’s not that.

I’m in l ? —

Denial is cruel. I’ve been living in it. I’ve been… No, I just haven’t seen it. It’s not my fault. Still, I sob. I cry as his hand wraps around my cock, stroking me in time with every roll of my hips. I cry because a truth I didn’t know is revealed to me. Tears stream down my cheeks as my orgasm crests because I’ve been so stupid. I tremble with fear and pleasure because I can’t believe it’s taken this long.

Everything I know shifts.

Everything I denied comes to light.

Everything beautiful and painful and memorable and cruel washes over me.

Because I’m in love with my best friend.

My body jerks violently as I come, coating Cassius’s chest in my release. His hold on my hip tightens as he fucks up into me, his eyes blazing with so much more than lust. I curl into him, sobbing into his neck as he tries to be tender. Tipping my chin to rest on his chest, I brush my lips against his ear. “I’m sorry.”

“N-No,” he grunts, breaths coming out in sharp huffs as he keeps fucking me. “Don’t fucking apologize.”

“I didn’t know,” I cry as I push back in time so his hips meet my ass with every thrust. “I didn’t know.”

I didn’t know what it was like to feel this. I didn’t know that what I’ve always felt was this. I’m an idiot. The worst kind of person. My best friend’s tormentor for years.

Because, as he comes inside me, filling me with unbearable heat and pleasure, I know that he feels the same way too.

Life is cruel and agonizing. Letting him feel what he has, letting me ignore it, letting it all fucking happen. Boyfriend after boyfriend after boyfriend, all when the one I truly loved suffered in silence.

He holds me as I cry until I feel dampness on the top of my head. We’re both shaking with exertion, bursting with emotion, and I don’t think I’ll ever leave behind this guilt.

But then he tips my chin up, dazzling blue eyes blazing with all the love he’s kept to himself, and I show him my understanding.

Unspoken.

Unsaid.

“I…” I trail off, because I’m not brave right now. It’s too much too soon. It’s frighteningly intense. “I’m sorry.”

He smooths my sweaty hair off my forehead and presses a gentle kiss there. “It’s okay. I know.”

I hope he does. I hope I showed him. I hope he understands.

That, in the past, even with every man who passed, I’ve always chosen him.