Page 9 of Find Me Again (KRK Security #3)

The night after seeing Ryan, Neil slept better than he had in weeks. He didn't know why, it wasn't like there was some kind of a breakthrough or anything, they'd had a normal conversation—

Which, to be fair, could be considered a breakthrough, since they hadn't had one of those in twelve years.

Twelve years . It felt like a lifetime, especially yesterday, when he looked at Ryan and saw both a man he had become and traces of the boy Neil had known and… loved.

Rolling over, Neil hid his face in the pillow. Of course he'd loved Ryan. Of course. Ryan had been his best friend, his secret boyfriend… his first everything. Over the years, Neil had sometimes doubted that love, questioned whether it could've been that, if it had all fallen apart like it had. He'd done it as a way to make it easier for himself, to justify that impossible choice he'd made years ago when he left, but in the end, it was all bullshit. No matter how it had ended, Neil had loved Ryan to a stupid degree.

What was worse, a part of him always would. There was no Neil without Ryan in his past, in some of the things he'd done and choices he'd made.

Seeing him yesterday felt like having a rug pulled out from under him and, at the same time, like being given an unexpected gift. Whatever happened from here on out, their break-up fight wouldn't be the last thing they'd ever said to each other anymore.

And maybe that was the breakthrough that allowed him to sleep so well. Neil didn't have to wonder anymore what it would be like to face Ryan, what he would say or do when it happened. Now he knew. He could question, analyze, and beat himself up over it, but he knew.

Was it any surprise, then, that he also wished he could see Ryan again?

Pushing away that thought, Neil got up and headed to take a shower, where he stared at the tiles and resolutely did not think about anything specific while dealing with his morning erection. After that, he dressed in his comfiest sweatpants and an old hoodie, and went down to the kitchen, only to see his parents still enjoying breakfast, and Ken raising his head from his place near the oven and thumping his tail at the sight of Neil.

"We waited for you for a bit, but then we were too hungry," his mom said, and he waved her off as he paused to rub Ken's belly.

"Don't worry, I didn't expect you to wait, what with my weird sleep schedule and all." He squeezed her shoulder on his way to the coffee pot. "I thought you'd be finished by now, actually."

His dad shrugged. "Yeah, well, sometimes we have a late start as well. We don't have much on our plates for today, so why hurry."

Neil smiled and toasted him with his coffee mug before sitting down and digging into the bread basket. His parents went back to talking about the holiday fair, which required only minimal input on his part, letting him eat his breakfast in peace.

When he was about done with his food, his phone pinged with a text message notification. Without thinking, he took it out and unlocked it, only to inhale sharply at the sight of a message from Josh.

I heard you left town very mature If you think it changes ath youre wrong youre running out of time but enjoy your fucking holiday while you can

"Neil?" he heard his father as if he was in a tunnel. "Are you okay?"

For several seconds, all he could do was blink. Slowly, he put his phone away and slid his hand under the table so his parents wouldn't see it trembling.

"Neil, what is it?" His mom leaned closer, but he couldn't say anything, his throat too tight.

Then his father curled his hand around Neil's wrist and tightened his grip, snapping him to attention.

"Breathe, Son. Come on, just breathe."

He met his father's gaze and tried to listen, tried to match the rhythm of his breathing to his father's, until he finally got it. Relaxing a fraction, Neil took another shaking inhale.

"I'm good," he said, but it came out more like a croak.

"You're far from good." His mom ran a hand over his hair. "You're here with us, though, and we'll deal with whatever it is, okay?"

He closed his eyes.

As if it could be that easy.

"Hey." She tugged at his ear gently like she did when he was a kid whenever she wanted to get his attention. "You may be an adult and all, but we're still your parents. We're here to help."

"Here or wherever you need us," his dad said with another, gentler squeeze of his wrist. "Once you tell us what's wrong."

Neil hadn't felt like crying in a long time before coming here, but his parents' support nearly did him in—again.

He cleared his throat and made a decision. For better or worse, it was all it had ever come down to, wasn't it?

"I'm not in any physical danger," he started with, because he could only imagine what kinds of ideas they might have already come up with. "There's this guy, and he's… Well, he's blackmailing me."

His father pursed his lips. "He wants money?"

"No." Neil shook his head. Money would be easier, in a way, but it would also be a never-ending game until he was left with nothing. "He's a teammate who's about to be a former teammate. It's his own damn fault, but he's not handling it well, at all. He and I, we were never a couple or anything, but we sort of…"

How did one explain hooking up to their parents?

"You were sleeping together," his dad suggested bluntly, and Neil almost choked, prompting his mom to snort humorlessly.

"This is not a modern concept, you know," she told him, but she also gave him another rub on the head, so it was clear she wasn't offended.

"Well, yes. It was out of convenience more than anything else, and we stopped a few months ago. However, now that he's in a mess he himself created, he's angry at the whole world, including me. He wants me to talk to the management and get them to extend his contract." Neil shook his head. "Even if I wanted to do this—which I don't—I don't have that kind of power. I honestly don't. And he has to know that, he knows how things work in the team. These decisions are made above us. I think he's grasping at straws, but it also feels like he wants to drag as many people down with him as possible. He suggested I'm not the only one he'd given this ultimatum to, although I assume he has different things over different people."

"And what…" His mom glanced at his father before looking back at Neil. "What does he have on you?"

Neil frowned. "I told you. We slept together. He's going to tell the world that if he doesn't get his way."

"So he's going to—out you, and himself along the way?" she asked, hesitating there for a second, but Neil was still surprised she even knew the word.

"Yes. I guess he doesn't care about himself any more, since it doesn't matter whether a former player is gay or not. But for me, that's a scandal."

His dad rubbed his chin. "Is it, really?"

Neil sat back at that.

"You know it is."

"It is in a way that any surprising news is considered a scandal these days," his dad said. "And sure, it will ruffle some feathers, but I don't believe it's a career-ending revelation anymore."

Neil snorted. "I'm glad one of us thinks so."

"Two of us, actually," his mom spoke up. "I mean, I'm not saying it would be easy or anything. I'm not. But if being gay is the worst thing someone can throw at you, you're an upstanding man."

That got him right in the chest, and he covered his eyes with his hand, willing the tears back.

"What do you think is best, here?" his dad asked after a minute. "What do you want to do?"

Neil rubbed his eyes and rested his elbows on the table, staring at the flowers in the middle.

"'Want' is not the word I'd use, but I think I should… I think I'm going to come out myself before he can say anything to the public."

There it was. He finally said it out loud.

It had been the only logical solution from the moment Josh had thrown that threat his way, but Neil had been too afraid to say it. Hell , he'd been too afraid to even think about it.

"That's a good idea," his mom offered quietly, clasping her hand on his shoulder.

When Neil looked up, his dad nodded.

"I think so, too. That way it all happens on your terms."

If it was to happen on his terms, Neil most likely wouldn't come out before the end of his career. He had considered it from time to time, sure, but he'd always talked himself out of it, never feeling ready.

He still wasn't ready now, but he would just have to suck it up.

"We're going to be there for you every step of the way, okay?" His mom squeezed his shoulder. "Whatever you need, we'll help."

Neil swallowed hard. A week ago, he'd had no idea they even knew he was gay, and now, they were rallying behind him and offering full support.

"Thanks," he whispered, then cleared his throat. "Thank you."

"Nothing to thank us for." His dad's voice got a bit gruff. "That's what we're here for, after all."

Neil pressed his fingers over his eyes again to stop himself from crying. He'd known his parents were good people, he'd known they loved him, but he'd never… He'd never been sure how they'd react. He'd hoped, yes. But he'd pictured many different scenarios, and there had been quite a few that had gone vastly different than this.

Once he got himself together again, he glanced between them.

"Still, thank you. It means a lot."

His dad nodded and sat back. "Do you know how you are going to do this?"

Neil shook his head. "I haven't thought that far yet. I mean, I'll have to call Phil and the management—"

"You don't need their permission," his mom cut in, and Neil sighed.

"I do owe them the heads-up, though, so they can prepare. They know about me, which means it's not going to be a shock, at least." He grimaced at the memory of those uncomfortable conversations with his agent and the team management a few years back. "But since they're going to be fielding questions, hate comments, threats of boycotts, and God knows what else, the least I can do is to let them know."

"We simply don't want you to think you have to do a referendum on it or anything." His dad crossed his arms against his chest. "It's your life and your decision."

"It's not a referendum," Neil assured him. "It's more of a courtesy call."

His dad looked like he wanted to say more, but Neil suddenly felt like he reached his limits. His emotions were all over the place and he would either start crying or shouting any second now.

"I'm sorry, I—" He got up. "I need to be alone right now. Thank you for—all of this, but. Yeah. I'll go."

He quickly walked out of the kitchen, afraid they were going to stop him, then he closed the door to his room and leaned heavily against it, resting his forehead there with a soft thud and letting himself just breathe for a minute.

Nothing else. Just breathe.