Page 5 of Find Me Again (KRK Security #3)

Neil couldn't let Ryan leave. Not yet, not now.

"What are you doing, these days?" he asked and, God , the awkwardness of it almost made him choke.

Ryan watched him as if wondering whether to offer him any answer at all, and Neil couldn't even blame him. He could hope, sure, but he couldn't—

"I'm working in private security." Ryan turned to face the valley forest again. "Nothing as glamorous or exciting as professional hockey, but I enjoy it and the company's great."

Neil frowned, not sure if the dig was aimed at him or Ryan himself. When they were younger, Ryan had felt the need to explain himself from time to time, as if him not having any grand ambitions was somehow bad, but Neil had never cared. Especially since, if things had gone differently, he would have benefited from Ryan's willingness to go wherever Neil wanted and figure it out as they went.

"That line of work seems to be a natural fit after the military, right?"

Ryan glanced at him with his eyebrows raised.

Oh. Well .

While Neil had never asked around about Ryan, it had only taken one accidental run-in with Alyssa and Jim, their former classmates, to learn about Ryan's second deployment six years ago. He stayed up all night, imagining the worst, and it wasn't until the season picked up a few weeks later and offered a distraction Neil could throw himself into that the worry finally started to dissipate.

He'd also asked his mom to tell him once she heard about Ryan's return, which had been one and only time he'd ever made a request like that.

"Are you going to call him?" Her voice had come out tentative and quiet after a few seconds of silence.

Neil had shaken his head, but they'd been on the phone, so he'd had to find words.

"I just want to know."

Another silence. "Okay. I'll tell you when I hear something."

Three weeks later, she'd texted him about Ryan's safe return and a rumor he was ready to leave the Army after his contract was up.

After that, Neil's sleep issues had gone away and he'd been unstoppable for the rest of the season.

"It is a natural progression for many, but the job is actually not that similar to the military," Ryan spoke up now, and Neil startled, coming back to the present.

Thankfully, Ryan didn't seem to notice.

"I mean, of course it's somewhat alike," he went on, "but mostly it's the training that's useful. Actual work is different, at least in my case. I live and work in DC, so it's not the same as working in private security in Afghanistan or Iraq."

"I would hope so," Neil tossed on reflex, but fortunately Ryan snorted.

"Well, there are some days I'd consider switching places, to be honest," he said, and the corners of his mouth lifted up a bit.

"You can always console yourself with the fact that you have a smaller chance of getting blown up, at least."

"At least, yeah." Ryan's smile softened. "But it's honestly fun for the most part. I wouldn't do it if it wasn't."

Simple as that. Ryan had always had the ability to take his life as it was and make a decision. If I want this, I'm going to do this. If I don't—I won't . Neil had never really managed that in his own life, because he'd always wanted too much.

"And how's DC?" he asked, distracting himself from that line of thinking. "Does it live up to everything people say about it?"

"A lot of it is true. There have been days when I thought it should all go down in flames. Money and politics definitely should not mix and it's staggering how much they do." Ryan grimaced briefly. "But I've also seen the opposite. I've seen people try their best, and work hard, and have visions that are bigger than themselves. It's… I don't know. I would never want that job, but it can be inspiring."

His expression changed as he talked, softening at the end, and Neil suddenly wanted to hear all the stories, good and bad—but mostly the good ones, because he wanted to know what put that look on Ryan's face. What inspired him.

"Besides, DC isn't only about politics," Ryan went on. "There are students, and military personnel, and all kinds of regular people. And they're living their lives like in any other big city, I'd say. Well, maybe not the military personnel, but everybody else." He smirked at Neil. "And then there's our hockey team."

"'Our'? That hurts," Neil quipped, because bickering about the game was ingrained in him way too deep at this point.

"Don't worry, I have no affiliation. I don't follow any team, I stick with leisure basketball games."

And suddenly, they were on the shaky ground again. There was nothing concrete Neil could put his finger on, but he felt he'd better change the subject or their moment would be over.

"Well, you also have the gazillion museums, if you're into that kind of entertainment," was what he went with.

Ryan chuckled. "As a matter of fact, I have been spending more time in the museums than ever before. It's usually for work, when we cover a benefit gala or something, but I've been dragged to a tour or two as well. And my friend's partner works at the Smithsonian, so I've gained far more dinosaur trivia knowledge than I ever expected to once I passed the age of eleven."

"That does sound interesting. I could impress my cousin's kids with that kind of ammunition."

"Oh yeah, I'm required to offer a new fact every time I call my nieces."

As they smiled at each other now, sharing small, silly stuff, it almost felt like old times—like somehow, miraculously, they found their rhythm again.

Then Ryan turned away, and so did Neil, and the spell was broken.

Staring ahead at the forest in front of them and breathing in the cold, crisp air, Neil wondered what more was there to say.

For over a decade, facing Ryan again was one of the scariest things that could happen to him. Neil had never called it that, even in his own head, but the fear was there, lodged deep inside him, whenever the possibility of reaching out passed through his mind. He would've most likely never talked himself into doing it, and if they bumped into each other somewhere in town, they wouldn't have this—the space with no interruption and no curious eyes or ears.

Now that they were here, though, he couldn't drag himself out, couldn't get into the car and drive away. It felt like if he didn't move, the world wouldn't move, either. It would pause, solely for the two of them.

But it never actually worked like that, did it? There was no stopping the world from turning and them from drifting apart.

Still, Ryan would need to be the one to move first to break them out of… whatever this was.

And in the end, he did. Hefting himself up onto his feet, Ryan rolled his shoulders before curling them in as if the cold was only hitting him now.

It was suddenly hitting Neil, that was for sure.

"I should get going," Ryan said as he met Neil's gaze, and his clear, warm eyes were like a shot of hot drink, heating up Neil's insides with that jolt of burning pain that happened when one was too cold to react well to the first sip.

I've missed you , Neil thought, and the force of it took his breath away for a moment. He'd known, deep down he'd always known, but it was nothing like this—this visceral longing that seemed to stretch indefinitely like the forest below them.

He nodded, cleared his throat, and straightened from where he was leaning against the rental.

"Okay," he muttered, and then, louder, "sure."

Ryan nodded as well, a sharp move that seemed too final for Neil's liking.

"I…" he started again, with no idea what to actually say. " Stay for a while longer" was out of the question. " I've missed you" even more so, since he didn't have the right. Finally, he settled for, "It was good to see you."

Painful but good. Necessary, even, although Neil couldn't say why.

Ryan stilled at his words, half-turned already.

Fuck , maybe Neil had gone too far, after all. He should've stopped while he was ahead.

But then Ryan looked at him again and nodded.

"It was… good to see you, too," he offered slowly. There was a slight pause there, but he still said it, so Neil would take it.

And maybe it wasn't all that they needed to say to each other, or even wanted to say, but it was something. This whole thing was… something.

Neil would have to go over it in his head, take it apart for a play by play and consider all the angles. He did it with the most important games of his career, and he would do it with this. Because he wanted to study it. To re-experience it. And, with any luck, he would understand it better after some thought.

For now, however, all that was left was watching Ryan drive away.