Page 19 of Find Me Again (KRK Security #3)

When Neil had arrived in Pennsylvania earlier in the month, he'd resigned himself to spending the entire break stressed, anxious, and overthinking everything he had to lose. He'd felt more like a cornered animal than a son visiting his parents for the holidays.

And sure, there was still some of that, since he'd spent way too many hours envisioning the end of his career for that fear to go away completely.

But, at the same time, he'd come to terms with that whole situation, too. He was even starting to see the good in it— most notably, the opportunity to start living openly and his parents' acceptance and support that he wouldn't have known about if he'd stayed quiet. Also, while Neil didn't consider becoming a poster boy for gay rights an upside in any way, he could at least acknowledge that for some people, especially young queer kids who dreamed of being where he was, seeing someone like him would be validating.

Years ago, it would've been validating for him.

At some point over the last two weeks, this whole thing had stopped being so black and white and instead started to feel like another challenge he had to overcome. If he got to keep hockey at the end of it, he would be fine.

Still, for all that his parents, his agent, and the team's management had rallied behind him, Neil knew perfectly well that he wouldn't feel anywhere close to this good if it wasn't for Ryan. He was the surprise that shone brightly enough to push Neil from the bleak, moody state he'd been, where he could only see doom and gloom that was going to become of his life once he inevitably lost everything he cared about.

Somehow, in the span of days, Ryan had become the focal point of his everyday life once again. They spent several nights together, and texted throughout the day, and there didn't seem to be an end to the topics they could talk about without getting bored.

There didn't seem to be an end to all the great sex they'd been having, either.

They'd always had incredible chemistry, which had made everything easier years ago, when they were two teenagers trying to figure things out as they went. Now, they were two grown men who knew what they wanted and how to get it, so adding their chemistry to the mix made for some of the best sex Neil had ever had.

There was the intense sex that made him feel stripped down and seen, but there was also the funny and sloppy sex, or the hot beyond measure, up against the wall because the bed is too far, kind of sex.

And he enjoyed the variety in other ways, too. Neil loved to fuck Ryan and, on occasion, use his muscles for the greater good, but he also loved to be fucked, and he'd gone without it for entirely too long. Letting Ryan take him apart the night before last had resulted in Neil coming harder than he ever remembered doing.

"I sent you here to make sure everything was ready, not to admire the Christmas tree, you know."

Wincing, Neil turned to his mother, who was standing in the entrance with her hands on her hips.

"I'm sorry, I got distracted for a minute." He looked around the room—the coffee table filled with pies and cakes that would count as the breakfast for today, the small mountains of gifts under the Christmas tree, and pretty much every possible chair tucked into various places to make sure there was enough space for everyone and then some. "But I do think we're ready."

"That's good, because the first guests are—" The doorbell rang and echoed through the house. "—here."

Neil glanced down at himself, still in his pajama pants and a threadbare T-shirt.

"I may need a minute, after all."

"Yeah, yeah." She waved him off. "But make it a minute, and don't get distracted this time."

Chuckling, Neil kissed her cheek and headed upstairs to get dressed.

Some things never changed, and his mother's warnings were one of them. He wouldn't be able to tell how many times he'd heard that as a teenager, whenever he'd gotten distracted by texting or talking to Ryan in his room when he was supposed to be right back .

Even now, his fingers itched to grab his phone and text him. They'd spent the night separately, and while they had plans for tonight, Neil found himself missing him.

Fuck , it had been so easy to get used to having Ryan close again. Not smart—since they were both here temporarily, getting addicted to each other's presence was outright stupid—but easy.

A loud rumble of laughter from downstairs reminded Neil why he'd gone up to his room, so he finished changing quickly before tucking his phone in his pocket and pushing everything else aside for the time being.

It was fun to get swept into the unmistakable energy of Christmas morning with his extended family—the shouts, and laughter, and the avalanche of presents.

Neil would readily admit that he'd contributed to that avalanche by a lot this year. It had been a while since he'd visited for Christmas, which meant he might have overdone it, but frankly, he didn't care. He loved seeing everyone's happiness as they unpacked their gifts—the kids and adults alike.

His mom hugged him for the longest time when she followed him into the kitchen where he went to refill the coffee pot.

"You didn't have to," she told him, voice muffled by the fact she had her face pressed against his chest. "You really didn't."

Neil rocked her back and forth, surprisingly choked up all of a sudden.

"I wanted to," he whispered. "You loved that last cruise, so I thought it was a safe bet to try again."

"Yes, but it's so expensive—"

"Mom, your son is rich, it's high time you got used to it and started to enjoy it."

She snorted, then pulled back. "I only ever wanted you to be healthy and happy. Nothing else mattered to me."

It was that earnest tone of hers that almost did him in.

He really needed that second coffee, stat.

"Yeah, well, adding rich to the list isn't bad, though," he joked in an attempt to redirect the sudden shift in the mood.

"Hey, listen." She put a hand on his cheek and looked him straight in the eye. "Nothing on that list is bad, okay? Nothing."

"Mom," he whispered, voice rough, and he tried to step back, but she didn't let him.

"I love you with all my heart and I always have," she went on. "Nothing about who you are would ever change that, and I'm so sorry I didn't show you that enough—"

"That's not true—"

"Twelve years, Neil." She shook her head. "And who knows how many years before that. You've been keeping a secret that I should've taken off your shoulders a long time ago. I'm sorry I didn't."

He had to blink fast a few times, throat tight. "It was never yours to carry."

"I would have helped carry it either way, if you choose to," she argued. "Or not, if you decided to put it down earlier."

Neil opened his mouth to tell her it wouldn't have mattered, that it wouldn't have made him come out any sooner, or made him stay, or—

But he couldn't be sure, could he?

So he gave her the next best thing.

"Whatever choices I've made along the way, I'm happy with where I am. I know it didn't seem like that a few weeks ago when I got here, but I like my life."

Especially now . He didn't say that part, but there had to be something on his face, because she nodded as if she heard it.

"You've only ever made one choice I completely disagreed with, and you seem to be making up for the lost time now, so—"

"No, absolutely not." Neil pulled away then, and she let him, taking a step back herself. "We're not talking about this."

"Fine." She grinned at him, the serious spell broken. "We don't have to. I am happy, though."

He nodded, turning away to the coffee maker.

Yeah , Neil thought as he listened to her leave the kitchen. So am I .