Page 41
Story: Everything That Kills Me
When Jack had disappeared in the water, Zeph panicked.
He’d started back into the sea when he spotted him clambering onto his board.
Jack didn’t seem concerned when he’d explained what happened, but getting caught in a rip current sounded dangerous.
Though thinking about the list of sports Jack had done, Zeph suspected he wasn’t frightened of anything.
By the time they got back to their spot in the dunes, they were almost dry, their skin salt-encrusted. Zeph peeled off his rash guard and slumped on a chair. Jack took his off too and passed him a bottle of water from the cool bag before he sat down.
“You can tick surfing off your list,” Jack told him.
“Not drowning was the day’s greatest achievement.” For both of them.
“You didn’t think you’d be able to stand up on a board and you did.”
“True, but let’s not try kite surfing today. I don’t want to be greedy. I’m feeling pleased with myself but I can sense disappointment looming along with America as I take flight across the Atlantic with you yelling at me that I need my passport.”
Jack laughed. “If you do want to try, we’ll wait for a day with perfect conditions when you’ll be blown inland and not out to sea.”
“Okay.”
“Shall I barbeque those steaks tonight? We can have them with salad.”
“Oh yes, tomatoes and avocado. When I tasted one of those tomatoes we bought at the market, it made me wonder what I’ve been eating since I decided tomatoes weren’t the devil’s fruit.”
Jack chuckled. He was stroking Zeph’s arm and Zeph’s heart was pumping hard, but Jack suddenly pulled his hand away.
It was almost as if he’d been touching him without thinking, and now he was thinking, he’d stopped.
A reminder, as if Zeph had needed one, that this wasn’t going to last longer than the summer.
“The ones we bought were probably picked and sold within hours,” Zeph said. “Couldn’t be fresher unless you’d picked them yourself. Would you like to grow your own food?”
“I’ve never really thought about it.”
“I suppose if you travel a lot, it wouldn’t be practical. You’d be bound to be away the moment things ripened. But I’d like to grow my own vegetables and fruit. And—”
Zeph shut up so abruptly Jack glanced at him, but Zeph closed his eyes and tipped his face to the sun. Too much chatter. This wasn’t about getting to know one another’s dreams. Jack had made that clear. Zeph shouldn’t forget. It was easy to forget everyone lived in a different reality.
“Thomas got himself a dog,” Jack said.
“You sound surprised.” Zeph looked at him.
“I am.”
“What sort of dog?”
“One that will open the door for a burglar, then show him where the silver is.”
Zeph laughed.
“He’s called him Django. I don’t know what he was thinking.”
“About the name or getting a dog?”
“Getting a dog. The name’s fine. It means I awake .”
“I like that.” Zeph grinned. “I wonder if Django jumps up on the bed in the mornings telling Thomas I awake! ”
“Sounds like you.” He patted Zeph’s head.
“Woof. Did you ever have a pet?”
“No.”
“Me neither. Mum said when I was older, she’d think about it, but…
Now I can’t. I wouldn’t have anyone to look after it and what’s the point having a dog if you’re not there for them?
Someone once told me that dogs teach you the love you deserve.
I like that idea. Maybe Thomas is lonely, especially if you’re not around now. ”
Jack was stroking Zeph’s arm again. This time he didn’t pull away. Zeph didn’t want the touching to stop.
“Maybe.”
Though to Zeph’s ear, that didn’t sound as if Jack meant it.
Back at the house, they hosed the salt from themselves and the rash guards.
Because the hose had been lying in the sun, the first few blasts were as warm as bathwater.
The next few weren’t. Zeph shrieked and as he tried to get away from Jack, who was firing directly at his arse and laughing, he fell in the pool.
Jack switched off the hose and jumped in.
Zeph pushed water at Jack’s face. “I’ll remember that. You’ve been warned.”
“Noted.”
Jack swam underwater and Zeph lay on his back and floated like a star fish. Jack came up at his side and the water lapped at their bodies.
“I love this,” Zeph whispered. “Being here is so peaceful. Blue sky overhead, sea on the doorstep, warm water and…” He wanted to say you but didn’t.
“And what?”
Say it! “The best company I could hope for. Bearing in mind Theo James is unavailable.”
“Who’s he?”
Zeph went under for a moment as Jack caught his foot. He spluttered as Jack towed him to the steps, then sat him on the second one down.
“Who’s he?” Jack repeated and curled his fingers in the top of Zeph’s trunks.
“No one important.”
“Sure?” Jack rubbed his thumbs around Zeph’s navel.
“I’ve forgotten what we were talking about,” Zeph whispered.
“Theo James.”
“Oh.”
Zeph gulped as his swim trunks slid down.
“Would he do this?” Jack whispered.
“No.”
His hardening cock went even harder. Jack wrapped his lips around it, and Zeph lost his mind. No way could he… Oh fuck. He tried to resist, but it was hopeless.
“Jack!” He gasped a one-word warning, crying out as his balls pulled up and detonated, and his dick jerked.
Zeph could hear whimpering and hoped it wasn’t him.
Oh God, of course it’s me. Jack didn’t let him out of his mouth until all of Zeph was limp.
If he slid into the water, he’d probably drown.
As Zeph exhaled, Jack pulled him down into the pool.
“Make sure my head stays above the water. I’m liquid. Who can I blame for coming so fast? Why am I even wondering? It’s obviously your fault.”
“Not Theo James?”
“Who’s he?”
Jack smirked.
“Don’t look so smug.”
“Sorry.”
“I don’t believe you and don’t say sorry.”
Jack smiled. “Sorry.”
“Your turn to sit on the naughty step.”
How could each day seem better than the last?
Zeph had never enjoyed himself more. That strong hormonal rush had to fade sometime, right?
Though maybe it didn’t for some. It went on and on.
He didn’t want to think about it ending, when they were still caught up in that tsunami of attraction.
The current running between them made him feel they lit up so brightly, they could be seen from space.
They seemed to know what the other was thinking.
The sex was…great, especially as they learnt more about each other’s bodies, but just sleeping together, being together, well that was great too.
Relaxing in each other’s arms after they’d come was…
everything. Jack twisting strands of Zeph’s hair around his fingers while Zeph landed soft kisses wherever he could.
Catching each other’s smiles with their kisses.
Best of all when they were lying tight together, as much of them in contact with the other as possible, and Jack looked so content, no wariness in his face.
Zeph was aware Jack was holding back a little and given his history, it was understandable.
But Zeph wore his heart on his sleeve. Jack made him smile, made him happy.
He’d brought him to life. His grin lit up Zeph’s world.
Zeph couldn’t hide how that made him feel.
Nor did he want to. Because maybe, just maybe, Jack would come to feel the same, their realities would merge and they’d have more than this summer.
The cloud of happiness that enveloped Zeph rose and fell. No matter what he might hope for, this wasn’t their life. This house wasn’t theirs. France wasn’t their home. They were spending money, not earning it. They’d set aside their other lives for a while, but it could only be for a while.
Yet Zeph felt as if the house belonged to them.
They treated it as a home. They called it home.
They had fresh baked croissants every morning from a local boulangerie where the shop assistant put what they wanted in a bag when she saw them arriving on their bikes.
Lunch was baguettes, cheese, ham and tomatoes.
They threw grapes into each other’s mouths.
Jack was a good shot and Zeph was terrible.
Dinner was something they cooked together. Fish and salad. Meat and salad.
Maybe they didn’t need to keep travelling. Zeph had all he wanted right here. Each day, Jack seemed to relax a little more. They could stay in this house for however long Jack had left to give him.
Then what?
Then what?
Then what?
Zeph didn’t like that little voice in his head that kept popping up to remind him this would end. He couldn’t let himself think about that. He feared merely entertaining the thought would make it happen.
Then convinced himself it wouldn’t.
His favourite thing was to be in bed with Jack. To lie next to him, to feel the heat of his body, the thump of his heart. When Jack looked at him, it was hard to breathe. Zeph scribbled poems about the way he felt, about the way Jack made him feel.
You make me long for my memories
To run and run and never fade
And keep every colour bright and fresh
You make me want to be myself
To myself
To everyone
But especially to you
I wish you felt the same
I dream that one day you will
Jack was kind and calm and funny. He was easy to be around. Zeph felt he could share his feelings and worries without Jack making him feel awkward. Zeph trusted him. He hoped Jack felt the same. Jack was laughing more, talking more. He seemed happy. And yet…
There was something hidden about him, something Zeph couldn’t touch, shouldn’t want to touch. Witness protection was big.
Maybe given time…
Zeph could only hope.
Late one afternoon, after another blissful day, Jack’s phone rang for the first time.
They were out by the pool and Jack’s face changed even before he’d seen who was calling.
He looked more alert, more focused. Maybe resigned.
Definitely different. He mouthed Thomas and signalled he was going inside. Zeph nodded.
And waited.
Table of Contents
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