Page 31

Zeph had always wondered about the expression floating on cloud nine.

He supposed he’d experienced it when he got his A level results and when he was offered a place at Cambridge, but those moments were fleeting.

Great news, but the day moved on, the cloud evaporated.

Now he really knew what being happy felt like.

A warm feeling in his chest that didn’t go away but kept him smiling, kept hope alive.

And when he saw the person who’d made him feel like that, the rush of pleasure was so intense, he could hardly breathe.

Cloud nine was where he floated. Euphoric.

Energised. Excited. He wanted those feelings to last forever and he knew they wouldn’t, that this was just the endorphin high of lust, but that was still what he wanted.

Nine was a lucky number in Chinese culture, though unlucky in Japanese.

Zeph didn’t really believe in luck. Bad things happened as easily as good.

But…

He was happy. Oh God, I am soooooo happy.

Punting was a pleasure. None of the passengers could piss him off. He refused to get annoyed even when one guy kept interrupting him with his own version of Cambridge history. In my day, we didn’t…

But despite his happiness, Zeph was still wondering how he’d so easily managed to agree to this holiday.

He wasn’t impulsive, he made considered decisions.

Seeing Jack again had changed him. Hadn’t he wanted to be different?

The way he’d been living so far hadn’t made Cambridge the place he’d hoped it would be. Now it seemed full of possibilities.

So he’d said yes to the road trip around Europe. He didn’t regret it. He’d go whenever and wherever Jack wanted. Definitely the former and probably the latter unless he suggested somewhere dangerous. He couldn’t stop smiling.

And when Jack stepped into the punt as a passenger for the final tour of the day, Zeph’s world exploded in a kaleidoscope of joy.

Jack’s grey T-shirt pulled tightly over his pecs. Distracting.

His long legs in those low-slung, slim fit jeans. Distracting.

Jack’s questions started before they’d reached the middle of the river. He kept fitting them in whenever Zeph stopped talking.

“How many miles is it to the sea?”

“Forty. We’re not going that far.”

“Is the punt being pulled by a chain?”

Zeph gaped. “Shall I stop using the pole and we’ll see?”

Everyone laughed.

“How many ducks are there on the river?”

“Forty-three. I’d be grateful if you counted them. It’s always a worry.”

Jack smirked.

“Do you two know one another?” a lady asked.

“Yes,” Zeph said as Jack said, “No.” Zeph laughed.

Back at the depot, once the punt was moored, Zeph returned his waistcoat and boater to the hut. He waved to Richard who smiled at him, then raised his eyebrows at Jack.

Yes, he’s with me! Mine!

As he and Jack walked away, Zeph felt his eyes fill up. I am such a twat. Don’t fucking cry.

“I only counted thirty-seven ducks,” Jack said.

“I hope the missing six are okay.”

“There’ll be a happy fox somewhere.”

Zeph whined.

“Ready to eat?”

“I could cook us something,” Zeph offered.

“That sounds great. We need to find a supermarket?”

“Yes. Did the police call you?”

“They did.”

“Do they want to see you?”

“No, they were ticking boxes, doing their job. Wanted to know if I’d seen anything.”

“It’s weird knowing someone’s actually been shot not that far away. I wonder who the guy was.”

“The man who was killed or the one who did the killing?”

“I was thinking about the man who was killed but yes, I suppose the killer too. What made him do it? What had the victim done to him?”

“Could you kill someone?”

Zeph thought about it. “It depends on the circumstances. If I was fighting for my life or someone else’s life, then yes, probably. What I couldn’t do is just walk into a hotel room and shoot someone.”

“What if they’d killed someone you cared for?”

“And the law couldn’t get them?”

“No.”

“Mmm. I don’t think I’d be able to. I’d fuck it up.

I’d get caught on CCTV or I’d leave a hair or a fingerprint.

And it wouldn’t bring back whoever I’d lost, would it?

I’d end up in prison for life. I don’t think the person I’d lost would want that.

Nor do I think that sort of revenge would make me happy. It wouldn’t get rid of my hate.”

“Does anything get rid of that?”

“I don’t know. Once you let hate take hold, it consumes you. I mean, anger is one thing. That feeds your determination to get justice, but it’s hard to stop hatred. It’s always there, reminding you of what you lost. You have to put an end to it or it eats you alive.”

“You’re probably right.”

Zeph cooked a Thai green curry without any of his housemates coming into the kitchen, much to his disappointment. He’d wanted them to meet Jack, see how lovely he was. Zeph had never brought anyone back before.

As they ate, they chatted about where they’d like to go. Italy after France. Maybe Greece.

“I’ll buy a car,” Jack said.

“We could hire one and share the cost.”

“It’ll be cheaper to buy one when we’re going to be away for a couple of months. I’ll sort that out and the insurance.”

A couple of months! “Okay.”

“We can set off after we’ve been to this.” Jack put two tickets on the table.

Zeph knew his mouth had fallen open but he was utterly gobsmacked. It was a word he didn’t particularly like, but it fit perfectly in this instance.

“St John’s! How the hell did you get those? Oh my God, how much did you pay for them?”

“I negotiated. And it’s my treat. We have early entry and there’s dining priority too. I know the names aren’t right but I paid to change them online. All we have to do is provide photo ID on the night. You have a tuxedo?”

“Yes.”

“The ball is next Monday. We could leave on Tuesday.”

“Wednesday might be better. Balls go on all night.”

“Okay. Once I’ve bought a car, I’ll book the channel crossing for the Wednesday.”

Zeph’s heart pounded. It’s really happening.

“I’ll need all my things back at Martin and Paulo’s at some point.

And I’ll tell Richard I can’t do anymore punt tours after Thursday.

There’ll be plenty of people ready to take my place but I want to get as many hours in as I can.

Then I don’t need to ask Martin to lend me so much. ”

“Do they usually come and collect you at the end of term?”

“Yes. They both work so they’ll have to come this weekend.”

“What are you going to tell them about what you’re doing?”

“That I’m going travelling in Europe with a friend. They’ll be ecstatic.”

Jack pulled Zeph’s head towards him and kissed his cheek. “The idiots here don’t know what they’re missing.”

But I’m different with you.

They cleaned up after they’d eaten. Zeph had noticed Jack liked everything to be neat and tidy. Zeph did too but Jack wiped down every surface, including the table and the taps. He did it more thoroughly than Zeph would have done.

“Are your housemates tidy?” Jack asked as they went back into Zeph’s room.

“Pretty good. Bedders come and clean individual rooms and the communal areas.”

“Bedders?” Jack raised his eyebrows.

“Hmm. The one thing they don’t do is make the beds. They used to but not now.”

Jack sat on the bed and leaned back against the wall, patting the space beside him. Zeph settled at his side, but didn’t look at him.

“Have you had…” Zeph tried again. “How many…” Shit. “What’s the longest…” Oh God. “What happens…” No, he definitely didn’t want to ask what happens after the holiday. “Where…” He groaned.

“Am I supposed to guess what you were going to ask?”

“You can try.”

“Or you could say it.”

I can’t. Nor could he look at him.

“Yes, you can.”

“Are you a mind reader?”

Jack took hold of Zeph’s hand. “Ask me.”

“Have you had many boyfriends?” Zeph mumbled.

“No.”

Am I your boyfriend?

Jack turned Zeph’s head by his chin so he was looking at him.

“You’re my first,” Zeph blurted. “And if you say you’d guessed, I might hit you.”

“Might you?”

Zeph groaned. “No.” He took a deep breath. “I get the feeling you know everything and I don’t know anything. I don’t want to get things wrong.”

“Things?” Jack’s mouth quirked.

“Yes, things.”

“Like the things we’ve done so far?”

“Exactly like them.”

“Did you do anything wrong?”

Zeph gulped. “I just lay there.”

“So?”

“But I just lay there!”

“I remember you doing more than that. But did you enjoy what we did?”

“Yes.”

“Did you at any time want me to stop? Or did you want to stop?”

“No.”

“Then don’t worry.”

Zeph was quiet for only a moment. “Have…you been with a lot of guys?”

“No.”

Zeph swallowed hard. “But some?”

“Yes. But I’ve not done this with any of them. Never eaten a meal they’d made, sat on a bed and talked to them, laughed with them, made plans for a holiday…”

That was what Zeph needed to hear.

“But…” Jack said.

Zeph definitely didn’t need to hear a but. He turned away.

Jack stroked Zeph’s cheek until he turned back. “You do need to hear the but.”

I don’t. I really don’t.

“You have another year at Cambridge, a plan for where you want to work after graduation. I’m a ghost. I can’t be part of your world. Nor should I flit in and out of your life when it suits me. That’s not fair to you. All I can offer is this summer.”

Zeph’s heart, which had been on the mend, cracked like the San Andreas fault.

“Don’t fall for me,” Jack whispered. “That’s my one rule. You’re not allowed to fall in love with me.”

“When the summer’s done, you’ll disappear again?”

Jack nodded.

“And I won’t ever see or hear from you?”

“You might but no promises. I don’t want you to cling onto hope that there can be anything more than this between us. I won’t put you in danger.”

Zeph’s poor heart had been battered by earthquakes until those last words. Then it steadied. He understood. It wasn’t that Jack didn’t want him, he was worried for him.

Jack slid off the bed onto his knees, then leaned forward and pushed his hands up Zeph’s thighs before pressing his face against his belly.