Page 14

Life might be short

But it’s sweet today

Bright

New

Shiny

And if this is all there is

It is enough

Jack’s lips were soft and warm. He tasted of peanut butter and happiness, and Zeph thought I’m going to die.

This was the tsunami, the lightning, the end of the world.

Jack gave a quiet moan as he slipped his tongue into Zeph’s mouth and Zeph’s heart catapulted into his throat. He moaned! Jack moaned!

Everything changed in that instant. Not the end of the world but doors flying open on a new one.

Zeph could feel the heat coursing through him, from his mouth down into his chest, curling in his belly, surging along his arms, his legs.

The longer they kissed, the hotter he was getting.

Oh God. Is spontaneous combustion really a thing?

Even if it had been, he couldn’t have pulled away from the first kiss he’d ever had.

But the chatter of approaching children jerked them apart. Jack looked as dazed as Zeph felt.

“I don’t know what I’m doing,” Zeph whispered. Apart from catching fire.

“Neither do I.”

And that was as Zeph wanted it to be.

“Was it…?” Jack asked.

“Yes.”

Jack laughed. “You don’t know—”

“Yes, I do. Yes, it was. I don’t have the words. Imagine all of them.”

Jack pushed to his feet. “We should get back.”

Zeph stood, amazed his legs were capable of keeping him upright.

“Are you going to eat that?” Jack nodded at the remains of the sandwich Zeph was somehow still holding.

“No.”

Jack took it from him and bit into it. Zeph started to lick the mess off his hands and Jack caught his wrist. He glanced around and then licked the peanut butter off Zeph’s fingers.

Zeph had never been more grateful for the length of his blazer.

He didn’t look down but he knew what he’d see if he did.

“The park was a good idea,” Jack said.

“Until the kids arrived.” Though Zeph was partly glad they had otherwise he might have combusted in another way.

The tightness in his chest was almost unbearable.

He’d spent so long being careful and that had gone in an instant.

He’d never felt a desire to be more reckless in his entire life, but…

There were so many problems. They could show nothing at school.

Jack couldn’t come to his house. Could he go to Jack’s?

“I’m going to get you a burner phone. Thomas can’t know about us.”

Well, that answered that. It was almost as if Jack had known what he was thinking.

Zeph told himself not to hope for too much.

That having Jack as a friend would be enough.

It would make him stronger, enable him to cope with the next two years.

They could still run together, meet up at the weekends…

It would be okay. He’d lie to everyone but Jack and make it more than okay.

Zeph had already thought through the consequences of leaving home.

The circumstances and his age meant the council would step in to help.

Children’s Services would find him somewhere to live.

The first thing they’d do was ask his uncle if he’d take him.

Martin would probably say yes, but that meant Zeph would have to change schools and he didn’t want to.

Not now. Even if he moved into council run care, it might not be anywhere near here and he’d have to change schools anyway.

“Thomas isn’t there all the time,” Jack said.

Zeph’s throat thickened with hope.

When they reached the school gates, Jack brushed his fingers against Zeph’s hand and sent shivers racing down Zeph’s spine. Zeph wanted to be told everything would be okay. Then again, he didn’t want to hear a lie from Jack. Jack shot him a smile and that was enough.

Zeph stayed after school to do his homework.

He was the last one to leave the study area.

It was ten to six when he got home. Just in time for dinner.

He took off his shoes at the door and went up to get changed.

When he came down, everyone was eating at the kitchen table.

No place had been set for him. A surge of distress almost took him out at the knees.

“Where’ve you been?” his father demanded.

“At school. Doing my homework.”

“You couldn’t have let us know you were going to be late?” Elisa’s voice was shrill.

“I don’t have a phone. Is there some spaghetti for me, please?”

“Help yourself,” she muttered.

Zeph really wanted to take his dinner up to his room, but he sat at his usual place at the table. Alice was twirling a fork in her spaghetti but it didn’t look as though she’d eaten any. Zeph could sense something brewing. He ate while he could, anticipating being sent upstairs.

“What did I say to you yesterday?” his father asked.

“A lot of things.”

“Don’t be cheeky.”

“I’m not. I don’t know what you want me to say.” He really didn’t.

“Alice told me you stopped Jack partnering her in the computer lab,” Georgia said.

For fuck’s sake. “I sit at the end of the row, with Jack next to me, then Alice. Alice has Mo on her other side, then Oliver and Jamal. If Jack had partnered Alice, it would have thrown everything out. We always work with the person we’re next to.”

“Why didn’t you move?” Alice asked.

“Because we never move. We always work with the person next to us.” Zeph was bewildered. Alice knew all this.

“Change where you’re sitting,” his father snapped.

“It isn’t going to make Jack go out with her,” Zeph snapped back.

Alice burst into tears, pushed away from the table and ran out of the room. Elisa glared at Zeph before she followed. Georgia huffed and went out too.

“It won’t,” Zeph said to his father.

“Maybe not, but you going out with him will make this situation a whole lot worse.”

“I’m not going out with him.” Not yet.

“You know Alice is fragile. Stay away from him.”

“How? We’re in every class together.”

“You know what I mean. Stay away from him.”

He wouldn’t, but nodding was easy. He wished he’d been brave enough to say no.

That night, Zeph lay in bed and wrote a poem about the unfairness of it all.

He had music for it turning in his head and tapped a rhythm on his thigh, wanting to remember the notes.

Then, worried he wouldn’t remember, even though the notes were dancing under his skin, he scribbled a few bars.

When he’d done, he hid the book between the base and mattress of his bed.

He’d never bothered to hide his stuff before but now he felt he had to.

There might be a lock on the door but there was a spare key.

He dreamt about Jack, the two of them, the places they could go where they’d be able to kiss, how they’d lie together, holding hands, keeping secrets.

He wanted to jerk off thinking about him but he didn’t let himself.

Instead, he conjured Jack up beside him, felt the length of him pressed against his body, imagined his warmth, the scent of his hair, the taste of his skin, until he was the beating heart in Zeph’s chest. An actual part of him.

How could he look at Jack without wanting him?

He had no way to resist.

He wasn’t going to resist.

How long since he’d had fun?

How long since he’d done what he wanted?

Zeph felt as if he’d been asleep forever and finally woken. If he didn’t take this chance, he’d never forgive himself.

Zeph hoped to see Jack at the school gate the following morning and instead was shocked to see his uncle. If Martin hugged him, he might not be able to pull away. Even worse, he might cry.

“Hi, Zeph. Were your stepsisters on the same bus?”

“No, they’ll be on the next one.”

“Good. I didn’t want them to see us talking and tell your dad. God, what a mess.” Martin dragged his fingers through his peppery grey hair.

“What did he say to you?”

“A vitriolic call telling me I’m to have nothing more to do with you. No phone calls. No lunches. No birthday money. No Christmas present. That two hundred came back. I’ll keep it for you.”

“He suspended my bank account and took my new phone and my old one. Told me I couldn’t see you or Paulo anymore.”

“What happened? Did you tell him you were gay? If you did, I don’t know whether to be proud or horrified.”

“He was angry with me over something and took me down the garden. He asked if I thought he was stupid. I realised he’d guessed. He hit me.” He touched the bruise on his face.

A muscle twitched in Martin’s cheek.

“There’s a boy I like,” Zeph said quietly. “He’s new. He’s in all my classes. Alice likes him too. They all think I’m in some way stopping her going out with him. He doesn’t want to go out with her.”

“Does he want to go out with you?”

Zeph shrugged. “He likes me but Dad threatened to throw me out if I don’t stay away from him. I think Jack has to be careful too.”

“Dan’s an idiot. I didn’t even need to ask Paulo, but he knew what I wanted to do and told me to ask you. Come and live with us.”

Zeph felt his lip quiver. “Thank you for offering. Thank you for coming to see me but you live too far away. I don’t want to change schools.”

“You could. You’ve only just started the term. If they use a different exam board, you’d quickly catch up.”

“I want to stay here.”

Martin smiled. “I thought you might. You really like this boy.”

Zeph nodded.

“You sure he likes you in the way you want him to?”

“He kissed me. It was as if the sun came out.”

Martin squeezed his shoulder. “It’s okay to be gay,” he whispered.

“Don’t let anyone try and tell you otherwise.

But how you deal with it is up to you. If you’re not ready to be out yet, then that’s fine.

Wait until you are. Things have changed from when your dad and I were at school. AIDS terrified everyone.”

“Are you trying to excuse the way you were treated? Your parents threw you out. Dad pretends you don’t exist unless he has to acknowledge you do. He still calls you Stefanie.”