Page 47 of Enough Isn’t Everything (Everything Trilogy #1)

Chapter Thirty-Three

IT IS WHAT IT IS

Standing in the hotel room shower, I sobbed my heart out once again because of that man.

My nose was blocked from all my tears, combined with the humidity, making it difficult to breathe. I felt like I was suffocating, and realized I was starting with a panic attack. I wished for the first time that my parents had been firmer with me and made me stay in the UK.

Crawling into bed, my eyes were stinging, and I fell asleep, too tired to think.

When I awoke, my cell was ringing. Squinting at the Caller ID, I tried to focus in the dark.

SEXPERT ID flashed so I let it ring out.

A minute later there was a beep, telling me he’d left a message.

That pattern continued for the next hour.

I switched off my phone and sobbed again.

Why couldn’t this guy just leave me alone?

Does he do this to his other girls? Why does he live alone? Where is his family?

Alfie had been relentless that week in his pursuit of me, yet there was the girl on campus. Where was she while all of that was happening?

Waking a little after nine the next morning, I had a pounding headache.

There was no way I was going to make it to college that was for sure.

I switched on my cell to call Will and explain.

As soon as my cell fired up, I saw seventeen missed calls.

Saffy three times, Will five, Alfie eight—five times last night, and three this morning—and one from Joel.

I rang Joel first, figuring he’d be the quickest to deal with. I thanked him for all of his help. I rang Will next. “Where the hell are you, Lily? We’ve been out of our minds with worry here.” His voice sounded really concerned.

Feeling horrible I hadn’t let them know and feeling guilty that I’d worried them, I lied that my cell battery had died, and that I’d stayed the night in Orlando as it had been a late night. “Did you sleep with him?” I was taken aback by Will’s directness.

“No, Will, I didn’t.”

He exhaled as if he had been holding his breath. “Good girl.”

Cringing, I thought of the possibility of Will running into Alfie on campus and finding out what really happened.

Saffy was with Will as he was dropping her off at her college campus.

I was relieved that I didn’t have to lie twice.

Alfie, I didn’t want to deal with at all. I deleted all his missed calls.

My voicemail envelope was flashing. I didn’t want to check it, but felt I should, just in case my parents had called.

Message #1, Alfie’s voice—delete. I deleted the next six from him also.

Message #8 was a little different, he sounded almost melancholic.

“I won’t let you walk away without us talking this out. ”

Feeling especially angry about that message, I called his number. I don’t even think it even rang before he answered. “Oh, thank God. I was worried sick.” I smarted at that.

“Really, Alfie? That would imply you cared. Won’t let me walk away from what?” My heart was already broken by his treatment of me. I snickered.

“Why were you worried? We’re nothing, and anyway, I thought you didn’t do emotions.” He exhaled into his cell.

“This isn’t the time for glib remarks,” he said dryly. “Where are you?”

I sighed. “Oh, no you don’t, you don’t get to be in the same room as me again, do you hear me?” My voice got higher as I continued, I was so incensed. “I don’t want you. I don’t want anything to do with you. Why won’t you leave me alone? What the hell is wrong with you?”

His voice interrupted, “Meet me. We’ll talk, I promise.” My heart was thumping in my chest, my head bursting with anger.

“You aren’t listening to me. Goddamn it, Alfie. I’m not meeting you, I’m not… I’m just not… anything to you anymore. Correction, I was never anything to you.”

Alfie sighed heavily. “That’s not true,” he snapped back at me.

I tried to sound calm. “Last night, on the bus, you had the opportunity to let me in. You avoided it.”

Alfie was silent, and then he let out a long sigh. “You want to know about me? Meet me, I’ll tell you anything you want to know.” I huffed, tired of this carousel we always seemed to be on.

“Why? Why should I meet you? What difference is it going to make? It’s going to be the same old circus. I’m walking away, Alfie. You’ve made me a mess, and I can’t allow you any more of my time. You’re not good for me.”

“Wait!” he shouted, sensing that I was completely serious. “I’m begging you, meet me. Please” His voice sounded desperate. I’d never heard any real emotion in his voice before except when he sang.

Against my better judgment I relented. “You have one hour of my time, and only because I’m curious. Fuck it up and you don’t exist to me, got it?” He sighed again, but this time it sounded like relief.

“Okay, where are you?” I shrugged, even though he couldn’t see me.

“I don’t know, but my car will be here in a few minutes, give me a zip code and I’ll meet you… It needs to be somewhere public, Alfie. I’m not coming to yours.”

So an hour later, I sat observing him from my rental car before I went over to meet him.

Alfie didn’t look up when I drove into the restaurant parking lot, but he didn’t know it was me in the rental.

Sitting rubbing his thighs, rocking back and forth, Alfie cut a lonely figure.

Tilting his head, Alfie looked as if he were deep in thought, before dropping it again, and shaking it.

Whatever he was thinking, it was troubling him. How could someone that looked that good make me feel this bad? I had to get past how he looked and what I felt for him and remember why I was here.

Smiling weakly at me, he stood slowly as I walked toward him. When I reached him, he almost put his hand on my waist as he greeted me. I threw him a look, and he dropped it to his side. “Thanks for agreeing to meet me, Lily.” His voice sounded soft and tired.

Alfie gestured to an outside table at the restaurant. The waitress brought coffee, and I set the alarm on my cell and placed it in front of me. “You have an hour, Alfie. Say what you want to say.” My tone was abrupt, I was determined this time.

“You want to know about me? Okay, I’m twenty-four years old.

I live in my family home… alone. My parents are dead, my mom when I was eighteen, my dad a couple of years ago, one from cancer the other drank himself to death because he lost her…

my mother. My sister won’t come home to see me because she can’t bring herself to come to the house that my parents died in. I can’t leave it for the same reason.”

I sat in silence, listening to him. For someone so young, he’d taken a huge hit emotionally, no wonder he was shut down.

“There is stuff that I can’t talk about.

Or that I’m not ready to talk about. I really like you, Lily, but trust me, I can’t and won’t get into a relationship. ” He gave me a half smile.

So here we go again. Nothing’s changed. “So you think the way to deal with your grief is to fuck up someone else’s mind?” He looked pensively at me. “How many ‘fuck buddies’ have you had, Alfie?” He shifted in his seat.

“Honestly?”

I cringed when he said that, expecting at least double digits.

He looked as if he was counting then sighed. “One. You.” A tear rolled down his cheek, he exhaled heavily and looked down at his hands. I digested what he was saying. “And, the other women?”

“They’re… they don’t count.” I smirked at his dismissive tone.

“Me? What about me?” His eyes softened.

“When I touch you, Lily, my head goes into meltdown. I just want to feel pleasure, which isn’t the same feeling as love.

I told you I wasn’t capable of a hearts-and-flowers relationship.

” A silent pause passed between us. I just didn’t know what to say, nothing I could say would make either one of us feel any better.

“I don’t want to lose you.” It was almost inaudible, and my eyes snapped up to his.

“Lose me? Alfie, you can’t lose what you don’t have.” His speech faltered.

“I know… but still…” He struggled with himself, trying to figure out exactly what he meant. His hand ran through his hair again.

“Let me ask you something. I don’t expect a reply, and if you walk away, I’ll let you, because it’s the best thing for you, but just let me say it.

” I waited as his gaze fixed on mine. Reaching over, he took my hand.

I stiffened, and his eyes looked pleadingly at me not to fight this, so I let him continue to hold it in his.

“I didn’t want last night to go like that. I’m really sorry, baby.” My eyes shot up at him.

“I’m not your baby.”

He gave me a half smile, and bit the inside of his cheek. “I know, sorry.” He looked a little embarrassed at his term of endearment.

Pleading with him, I asked, “Why don’t you just leave me alone, you can’t say you don’t know you’re hurting me?” He cradled my hand between both of his. I was tired, I couldn’t fight him because it felt comforting to have him touch me, even though I’d pay for it later.

“I can’t… I can’t explain it, but I can’t leave you alone.” He lifted my hand and brushed his lips across the back of it. It was an intimate, affectionate gesture, but at the same time he knew he was crushing my heart.

A tear rolled down my face. He brushed it away with his thumb, leaving his hand caressing my cheek.

“I don’t want to use you, Lily, I don’t want to cause you pain.

I want to spend time with you, I like you.

I love being inside you, touching you, holding you.

I wish I could love you, but I can’t.” His voice broke on the last word.

My heart cracked open at his honesty. I wanted to run away and never have to face him again. I sniffed. “Why, Alfie? If you can’t love me then you need to let me be.” He looked pale, his eyes sad.

“I can’t do love… I can’t offer you that. I told you no hearts and flowers.”

I felt furious from hearing the same thing every time. “So you keep telling me. It’s so unfair. I can’t believe I agreed to meet you. Nothing’s changed, I don’t know why I let you do this to me.” Alfie smoothed his hand over his T-shirt, rubbing his chest.

“Maybe if we spent more time together, you wouldn’t feel this way. Maybe my emotions wouldn’t be such a focus for you if we were friends.”

A single tear dropped onto my T-shirt. “Alfie, don’t you get it?

We have never been just friends. Friends don’t hurt each other like that.

Do you think I’m your plaything, Alfie?” A sob escaped my throat.

“You continually play with my feelings, toy with me, tease me. How about this? From now on you leave me alone. Let me have the chance to meet someone that can do all the things for me you can’t, Alfie, have you thought about that?

” I picked at the napkin on the table. “You as much as told two guys last night that I was your girl, I’m yours to any man that pays attention to me.

But it’s not true, is it? I’m not yours and you most definitely aren’t mine.

All this hot sexual tension then the cold-shoulder behavior is screwing with my head. I can’t do this anymore.”

Looking angry, he retorted, “If you were honest with yourself, Lily, you’d agree that when I’m near you, it gives you pleasure too. I’m not wrong about the way you look at me.”

Alfie shook his head at me, staring into my eyes.

“You wanted me during those few moments. I could have had you every time. I didn’t take advantage of that.

” Alfie struggled to express himself. “I can’t help the endless sexual tension there is around us.

I suppose it’s because you gave me the best sex ever, but you feel it as well. ”

“That’s just it!” I spat. “I don’t want to do that. Well, maybe I do sometimes, just for fun,” I said confused. He gave me a half smile and latched onto that last statement by widening his eyes in interest at me.

“If you are talking about your needs, mine count too. I’m not like you, Alfie.

I need love as well as sex.” I stared at his beautiful, sad face and whispered, “I deserve the man I’m with to love me, to make love to me.

I know that I couldn’t live without that for the rest of my life.

” He held my gaze and nodded slowly, letting go of my hand, and gave me a resigned smile.

The alarm went off on my cell. I switched it off and stood up. “How are you getting back?”

Alfie hugged himself. “Don’t worry about me. I’ll get back okay.”

I couldn’t leave him standing in the middle of Orlando when I was going back anyway. “Come on, I’ll give you a ride, but you’re not to touch me.”

Giving me a small grin, he shook his head and crossed his heart with his finger, commenting, “I promise, most definitely not.”

I drove back, with music as our safe topic of conversation, and Alfie slept some of the way.

He had been up all night looking for me, and I had been asleep.

I know it shouldn’t have, but it kind of made me feel better that he was worried enough not to sleep, but I did feel a little guilty about that all the same.

Alfie had said he couldn’t give me up. I didn’t know he’d had me. It didn’t feel like I’d had him in any way, except the biblical sense, that’s for sure.

My heart squeezed to think of how fabulous we could have been together in all ways, but he just didn’t want me enough. So… I wasn’t enough for him. What I did know, was that our sexual chemistry made me vulnerable—Alfie himself had admitted that he was powerless to stop himself.

If I wasn’t careful, I could also end up in a strange relationship that relied solely on sex. I knew by then, that I didn’t want that. However, my body craved his touch, and I needed to take control to prevent anything from happening between us again.

It wouldn’t be a case of it may happen again. I, like he, knew it was a matter of when because my traitorous body kept overruling common sense.

We arrived at his house, and he stretched out.

“Sorry I was such bad company.” He gave me a sad smile.

I was glad he’d slept most the way. It saved yet another conversation full of angst. He got out of the car and walked around to my open window.

He was holding my gaze, looking serious, a longing in his eyes.

“You’re not going to speak to me again, are you?”

I shrugged. I wasn’t sure, but the thought of not speaking to him again made me miss him already. Whatever happened, I still loved him, even if he didn’t know it. I put the car into gear and drove away.