Page 32 of Enough Isn’t Everything (Everything Trilogy #1)

Chapter Twenty-Three

I’VE GOT TO BE ME

Isighed heavily which broke the silence between us.

“I’m fine Will, I’m partly to blame too.

I allowed it to happen. I got involved too quickly.

” He stopped walking and turned to face me and brushed the last of my tears with his knuckles.

His face was desolate, and I could see that it broke his heart to see me so unhappy.

“I knew it was a risk to get with Max. Here’s the thing, I had no experience of sexual relationships until the week before I came to live here, but ever since I’ve made some pretty epic mistakes.” I knew I needed to learn from them and learn fast.

I sniffed and stared at Will. “I’m only sorry that you had to be involved in this at all, Will. It isn’t your place to support me when the simple truth of the matter is, I’ve given myself too easily.”

Will looked seriously at me and shook his head.

“It’s only one relationship, Lily, don’t let it affect you.

” He looked at me supportively. Only it wasn’t one relationship with Sam and Alfie too.

Sleeping with both my best girlfriends’ brothers?

Having a ‘fuck buddy’? My sex life so far…

It sounded like a bad B movie in the making.

Will put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed it sympathetically, then cuddled me tightly and drew little circles on my shoulders with his thumbs.

He gave me a small smile again. “Hey, come on, we’ll get you home,” he mumbled softly.

Will started driving me home, and promised he’d pick me up in the morning to bring me back to college to collect my car.

When we arrived back, he came up to the apartment with me.

“Let’s go to the beach and jam together.

” I didn’t really feel like it, but he was right, I needed to move on as quickly as possible or this could consume me.

He began organizing me. “Okay, girlie, get your sunscreen and hat, we can’t allow your fair ass to fry out there!

I’m gonna head to the surf store for some shorts, when I get back I expect you stripped and ready for the beach.

” He strode to the door and it banged closed as he left to buy something more fitting to wear for the beach.

What he bought transformed him from Will, the cool sax player, to Will, the hot surfer dude.

Fabulous looking, in the red and white surfer shorts and the white sleeveless T-shirt he was already wearing, I was a little surprised by his great physique.

I had never really noticed him in that way before.

Will was a great-looking guy, with his messy, chestnut brown hair; today it looked so shiny he could model for a hair product company.

He was quite powerfully built, and I wondered again why I hadn’t noticed this before.

I mean, I’d seen him in his boxers that one time, but I was too mortified then to take in what he looked like.

Anyway, I’d never really noticed because he was with Saffy.

I whistled appreciatively, teasing him. “Damn! You’re a hottie, Will, a damn fine specimen.” I wiggled my brows at him. Will grinned, kind of embarrassed and chuffed at the same time.

“Yeah, I know,” he said, nodding and checking himself out, behaving as if he were in love with himself.

Launching into an overacted scene, Will added playfully, “Why, thank you, ma’am…” then added, “Hey, I thought you were off men?”

I paused, putting my fingers to my chin pretending that I was contemplating what he’d just said. I began tapping my lips, pretending to think.

Chuckling, I threw my head back. “Definitely! No guy is getting in my panties without being totally emotionally connected and hanging on my every word, and even then, he’ll have to beg.

I am going to concentrate on leaving the passion in the bedroom to others and put mine into my music from now on, at least it won’t fuck me over,” I insisted determinedly.

“Atta girl!” he growled, grinning devilishly at me.

My mood began to lift and I pretended to give Will my best seductive look. I leaned in and whispered, “As for you, looking great in those board shorts, who says I can’t still window shop?”

Giving him a mock exaggerated look of appreciation, my eyes widened, like I was objectifying him. “I mean, I appreciate the finer things in store windows all the time… it doesn’t mean I have to buy anything… does it?”

Will grinned, leaning back, his hands stretched out to the sides pretending to give me a better view. “You like what you see, huh?” he said in a slow southern drawl and turned nodding his head. He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, pretending to flirt with me.

Laughing loudly, it felt good to have someone I could just be me around, without any demands on our relationship. I was beginning to really value Will as a friend and his loyalty to me.

What made it even better was that he seemed to care about me. Will and I were honest with each other, and I hoped that it would always be like that between us.

“Lily girl, you are a wonderful, sweet, gorgeous female, you’re going to work this out. I know it hurts a lot right now. By next month, it will hurt a little less, a month after that. Max, who’s Max?” He looked wistful for a split second then it was gone.

“Been there, huh?” I asked.

Tapping on his heart silently, he nodded. “It’s getting there.” I took that as a yes.

We headed for the beach, the feel of the sun, the smell of the sea and the warmth of our friendship enhanced our music and lifted my mood no end.

Amazing scenery helped us to be productive, with ideas and new material flowing. It was a lot of fun and our easy conversation and similar thoughts about music helped bond us closer during the day.

I was messing around with some chords when something I played triggered the memory of a song for Will, and he started to sing it. “You know that song?” I looked incredulously at him, rising to my knees on the towel then sitting back on my heels. I didn’t think that band had cracked it in the USA.

Will replied, “I don't know about that, but I heard the track when I was in London, so I downloaded it to my iPod. It brings back happy memories for me.”

I grinned. I loved that song. “Will! It’s one of my favorite songs. Can we sing it together?” I pleaded. My hands were held in prayer in front of him.

I began to play the introduction to “Come Up and See me” by Steve Harley and Cockney Rebel. We both started belting it out, not really caring that we were making noise around some sleepy sunbathers.

We weren’t even sure that the words we were singing were the right ones, but they fit the music, and I felt some of the stress leave me. I felt like I was home for a few minutes.

It was ironic that this was the song that came to his mind. It’s about band members quitting on Steve before he became famous. It fitted in with my mood, not that I was going to be famous, but maybe Max would feel sorry for his treatment toward me one day.

Some beachgoers sat up to listen to us and applauded when we had finished our impromptu concert. Will and I were slightly embarrassed, but grinned and laughed about our spontaneous performance, which was anything but polished. “I feel much better after that.”

He slung an arm around my shoulders and squeezed me against him, side on. “I’m glad you’re feeling stronger, but now I had better make myself scarce before Saffy comes home, or she’ll be mad that we spent the day together on the beach.”

Will’s eyes looked moody and troubled now. “She’s possessive as hell, and as much as she loves you, Lily, she has trust issues.”

I looked wide-eyed and seriously at Will. “Agreed!” We packed up and headed back to the apartment, already aware that Saffy didn’t like us spending time together as it was.

I stroked Will’s arm.“Thank you so much for today, and for telling me. It means a lot to me that you have my back.”

Will took my hand, squeezed it, and brought it to his lips.

It was a tender thing to do. “Always.” Leaning in, he kissed my forehead gently.

Will’s lips were soft and warm. It felt so comforting.

Turning away, I walked inside, rummaging in my bag for my keys.

There was a text message envelope showing on my phone.

Max: Missed hugging you last night. Missing me?

I found my keys, dragged myself inside, and sat down heavily on the couch before replying.

Lily Parnell: Coping well, so much better than I thought I would.

Max: Cool, I’ll try to find time to see you soon.

I took a deep breath, I didn’t want to play games with people’s lives, and I didn’t want them to play them with mine.

Lily Parnell: would you tell Kelly it’s me you’re coming to see?

I waited for a return text, and when it didn’t arrive immediately, it confirmed what Will suspected.

Well, at least Max didn’t protest his innocence, or worse, say that she meant nothing to him.

I knew him well enough. He knew I knew him too, so he’d be trying to find a way around hurting me whilst saving face.

I wasn’t surprised when the next text arrived ten minutes later.

Max: Ah, too complex to explain by text or phone we’ll talk when I come to see you.

I knew I needed to be completely honest with him and that there would be no repeat of what we had in the future.

Lily Parnell: No explanation necessary, Max, we’re friends. I used you for sex, just like you used me. You’ve done all the ‘coming’ you’re going to do with me, chapter closed. Don’t hurry back, but we will get past this for Saffy’s sake.

My phone rang immediately, caller ID showed Max. I let it ring out, switched it off, and threw it back in my bag. When I did this, I knew I’d be strong enough to get past this hump in my life.

I wasn’t happy with the person I was turning into here. Everything I was doing was so out of character for me. Maybe I was giving out vibes I wasn’t aware of, and I needed to be far less trusting of men.

The most honest thing that’s happened to me was Alfie, which didn’t say much for me as a person at all. Why had I been willing to have sex with someone that didn’t care how I felt?

Worse, I was still coming to terms with how much I missed him, even though I ended the arrangement. I was horrified with the thought I still missed him, even when I was wrapped in Max’s arms.

Nothing about Alfie felt easy though, but his slightest touch made my body respond impulsively. When he touched me, my body hummed and buzzed, like an electrical charge had been applied.

Correction, he even made me feel weak without touching me. I thought I understood Superman’s Achilles’ heel ‘thing’ much better now with the kryptonite as Alfie was mine.

Why had all my relationships been so complicated lately. I had to admit it wasn’t like that with Will though, except that Saffy was an issue for us.

We had to come up with a white lie today to make it easier on her. Will and I agreed to tell her that I was brought home by him, but that was the extent of our contact outside of college today.

I felt bad that we couldn’t be truthful with her, but for all our sakes, it was better to play it off as if our time spent outside of college was minimal, and we didn’t just hang today, no matter how innocent it was.

Feigning sickness, I said that Will had driven me home. Saffy still probed me about it though. “Where did he go afterwards?”

I felt bad lying. “Not sure, I think he went home.”

Well, it was a kind of honest… I mean… he did leave me and go home. Saffy seemed satisfied with this and went to change before dinner. I decided to home to the UK tonight. I felt I needed to hear my parents’ voices and tried to draw strength from talking to them.

I did well to cover up how I was feeling, because I knew at the first hint of discord, my parents would have dramatically swooped in and brought me home. I was sounding so upbeat when I spoke to my parents, I almost convinced myself I was fine.

They had no idea what had been going on with me during the past sixish weeks in my new life, except that I had partnered up with Will.

“No, Mom.” I sighed in mock frustration. “No romantic involvement with him, he’s Saffy’s boyfriend,” I answered exacerbated by my mom’s hope. I rolled my eyes, glad that she couldn’t see me, as she lived in the hope of me giving her early grandbabies.

My mom wanted me to be a teenage mom, and my dad wanted me to be a nun. Looks like both my parents were jinxed with me. My mother told me about Elle’s part in a West End Musical and how excited they all were for her.

Missing my friend, I was feeling bad that I had abandoned Elle in London to come to America, and I made a mental note to call her after arranging a time by email.

It was our only means of contact, due to the time differences, Elle’s work, college, and her attending auditions. She was a dancer and worked odd hours.

I had known she was attending an audition on Friday, but Elle hadn’t caught up with me yet, to tell me she’d got the part. I berated myself for not being a better friend to her.

Homesickness hit me. I missed everyone back home, but even more so today, because of how I was feeling. I knew that what was happening was my own fault and I wanted to believe that everything would eventually be all right.