Page 20

VIOLET

Violet lurched up in bed before her eyes were fully open. Sunlight filtered through her blinds. She sprang up, energized, even though she’d only gotten a few hours of sleep. She tossed and turned past midnight, listening to the constant hum of voices drift down the hallway. She worried that she may have to deal with Jesse on his final night, but thankfully, he’d been otherwise occupied.

She muscled aside the drawers to gain access to the bathroom and hastily locked the door that led to Jesse’s bedroom before she washed her face and brushed her teeth. There was no sound coming from Jesse’s bedroom. Either he’d gotten even less sleep than her and was already up, or he was sleeping soundly. She hoped it was the latter so she wouldn’t have to deal with him until he was ready to leave.

As she pulled her hair into a ponytail, she met her eyes in the mirror. Although her body buzzed with excitement, it didn’t reflect in her dull eyes or stony expression. Keeping their secret had taken its toll.

Once Jesse was gone, she could actually sleep through the night—what a concept! She could enjoy life again. This was her last full summer in Texas. She should enjoy it because after she graduated, she was going to get as far from here as Mom and Dad would allow. Jesse hadn’t even left yet, and she was already dreading him coming home for a visit. She needed a place where she felt safe. As long as he was allowed to walk through the front door, that would never be here. She wanted to forget everything that had happened between them and bury the sinful desires he provoked within her.

Tell me I didn’t lose the most important person in the world to me.

If that were true, he would have respected her boundaries. He wouldn’t have gone as far as he had. He had moments of remorse that never lasted long. Several times, he had the gall to suggest the things he did were an act of love. He was so manipulative and controlling. He would say anything to justify his behavior. His acting skills would serve him well in the future. It had gotten him this far without being caught.

She unlocked Jesse’s door before she escaped back into her bedroom and hastily changed out of her pajamas. She walked down the hallway to the dining room but paused when she heard Mom sniffling and Dad’s consoling tone.

“I don’t want him to go,” Lynne cried.

“You knew this day would come. Jesse’s smart and strong. He’s going to do well in the military. It’s what he’s always wanted,” Dad said.

“He’s just liked his father. He’s too willing to lay his life on the line and too loyal to let anyone down. He’ll give his life to them when there are so many opportunities outside of the military. He could have done anything! I was hoping he would change his mind and take after you.”

There was a pause before Dad said, “It’s not like my job doesn’t come without risks.”

“But at least we get to see you throughout the week. I can’t believe he didn’t stay for Violet. They were so close. What happened between them?”

Violet retreated to her bedroom. Mom had been convinced she could make Jesse change his mind and had badgered her more than Jesse. Every day, she had to lie through her teeth about pleading with Jesse to stay and being repeatedly turned down. Lynne’s disappointment made her feel awful. Trying to act as if she were upset about Jesse’s choice when it couldn’t be further from the truth drained her. She couldn’t wait for him to leave. The strain of keeping up this act was killing her. Once he left, Mom would learn how to cope without Jesse being within arm’s reach, and they could build a new life without him.

She pushed her bedroom door open and stopped on the threshold when she saw Jesse standing beside her bed.

“Morning,” he said.

“Morning,” she echoed and stayed where she was.

He wore shorts and a white tee with his gold cross on display. His eyes were bloodshot and puffy from lack of sleep. She hoped, for his sake, his training didn’t begin the moment he stepped foot on base. Actually, on second thought, she hoped there was a drill sergeant ready to stomp his ass the moment he arrived.

“You look…”

He ran his hand through his hair. “I didn’t sleep.”

“What time did everyone leave?”

“Brody left an hour ago.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I can’t believe I’m leaving today.”

“I think it’s best.”

He winced but nodded. An awkward silence fell.

“You should rest while you can,” she said.

“No. I can always catch up on sleep. I don’t want to waste the time I have left.”

His eyes moved over her with such naked hunger that she tensed.

“Vi…”

“Mom’s crying,” she interrupted. “You should go to her.”

“She has Dad.”

“But she wants you.”

“She’s going to have to get used to me not being around.” He extended his hand, palm up. “Please.”

She hastily drew back. “No.”

“Not that. I just want to hold you, I swear. I…” His expression morphed into one of abject torment. “I need you, Violet.”

Ignoring his beseeching tone, she turned on her heel and marched down the hallway. When she entered the dining room, she was grateful to see Mom’s episode had passed, and she was cooking in the kitchen while Dad sat at the table, drinking coffee and reading his Bible.

“You’re up early, Vi,” Dad observed.

“Couldn’t sleep,” she said and tried to look sad. She must have done a good job because Dad held out his arm. Since he wasn’t one to offer hugs, she seized the opportunity and let him wrap her up tight. A second later, his hold loosened.

“Jesse,” Dad greeted, ruining their moment.

She didn’t turn to look at him but walked away to help Mom. She took over cooking, so Mom could sit with Jesse. Pastor Sonny’s words slipped through her mind as she served breakfast and hopped up every time someone needed something. For some reason, she couldn’t stay still.

Her hands fidgeted on her lap as Dad shared the passage he’d been reading in his Bible and wove the scriptures into Jesse’s new beginning. Mom and Dad said fervent prayers over Jesse to protect and guide him. When silence fell, an opening for her to add her two cents, she was saved by a knock at the door. The general contractor Jesse had been working with hadn’t been able to make it to the party last night, so he stopped by to see Jesse before he left. Even as Jesse stepped outside to chat with him, several cars pulled up.

Grateful for the interruption, Violet began to tidy up. She paced around the backyard, picking up stray napkins and plastic utensils that didn’t make it into the trash, before she attacked the pile of dishes. Her gaze kept flicking to the large clock on the wall. Why were these last hours dragging? When the dish rack was full, she moved onto the half bath their guests had used and gave it a thorough scrub down.

When she emerged, yanking off her rubber gloves, she saw Dad’s perplexed expression. She raised her brows in inquiry.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“Yes. Why?”

“Don’t you think you should be…?” He held up a hand. “Never mind.”

She jutted out her hip. “What?”

“Nothing,” he muttered. “Just thought you’d rather be doing something other than cleaning toilets right now.”

She supposed he thought she would be clinging to Jesse’s side to soak up every last second with him. A glance out the front window showed that even more people had come to say last-minute farewells. Jesse was surrounded by a small crowd. There was no need for her to fawn over him. He had enough admirers.

As she plugged in the vacuum, she saw Mom and Dad exchange concerned looks. They seemed unnerved by her calm, practical demeanor. She almost wished she could give them the over-the-top emotional reaction they expected so they would stop looking at her like she was a freak. She was fine . A little anxious because she hated goodbyes in general. She had no idea how she was going to handle Jesse’s farewell with their parent’s present, but she would deal with it when the time came.

She’d vacuumed all the bedrooms and hallway and had made her way to the living room when Dad strode to the front door with Jesse’s duffel. Her head whipped toward the clock. Jesse had to leave in less than fifteen minutes. The blast of excitement was so potent that she went lightheaded and dropped to her hands and knees. She was so happy, her eyes welled up. He was really leaving. The vacuum roared beside her, concealing the sound of her weak giggling, which escalated into joyous laughter. She wasn’t sure how long she stayed that way, but she snapped out of her delirium when the vacuum switched off.

“Violet?”

Mom’s hand smoothed over her hair before it rested between her shoulder blades.

“Did you fall? Are you okay?”

She nodded and opened her mouth to reassure Mom that she was fine, but there was an invisible obstruction in her throat.

Mom rubbed her back in a circle. “Honey, what’s wrong?”

Lynne’s concerned tone punctured a hole in Violet’s cocoon. The rush of euphoria was overpowered by a vicious flood of emotion that grabbed her by the throat, strangling her so she couldn’t breathe.

“Isaac, come! Something’s wrong with Violet. She’s shaking like she’s having a seizure or something. I?—”

A horrible sound ripped through the room. It was the bone-chilling, tortured scream of a wounded animal. It went on and on. Violet tried to raise her head to see what was going on, but for some reason, she couldn’t move. Why wasn’t anyone helping the poor thing? It sounded like it was being gutted. Someone had to make it stop.

There was a flurry of activity around her, and then she was lifted into the air. Strong arms wrapped around her and her face was pressed against an all too familiar chest. In a distant part of her mind, she realized the awful sound had stopped. She didn’t want Jesse touching her, but she wasn’t in control of her faculties. She was trembling, covered in cold sweat and… sobbing? When had that happened?

“Oh, Vi,” Mom choked. “What should we…?”

“Give us a moment,” Jesse rasped.

He moved swiftly. Violet’s ponytail swished from side to side as he carried her somewhere. He cupped the back of her head as he spoke to her, but she couldn’t hear a word when she was drowning in a churning sea of emotions she’d suppressed for far too long. They were back with a vengeance, ambushing her at the worst possible moment.

Her wailing had turned into pitiful whimpering by the time a door closed.

“Thank you, God,” Jesse murmured fervently as he lowered her onto something soft.

Mortification, confusion, and despair sloshed around inside of her as she tried to wipe her eyes, which was difficult since Jesse was trying to cover every inch of her face in kisses. She realized they were in her bedroom, and he’d settled her on the edge of her bed.

“I… I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” she said raggedly.

“Say it,” he pleaded. “I need to hear you admit it just once.”

“Say what?” she said fretfully as she swiped at her dripping nose.

“Tell me you love me.”

“What?”

She jerked back and raised her hand to slap him, but he anticipated that and seized her wrist.

“Don’t fight. We don’t have time,” he said urgently.

“How dare you say that to me?”

Even in the midst of her fury, she kept her voice down, aware Mom and Dad were probably hovering at the end of the hallway.

“You’re crying for me,” he pointed out, staring at the tears that continued to trickle down her cheeks.

“I’m crying because of you, not for you, jackass.”

His fingers flexed around her wrist. “You screamed like someone plunged a dagger in your heart, Vi.”

A part of her had suspected that she was responsible for that bloodcurdling, banshee shriek, but she hadn’t wanted to admit it to herself. She scraped her mind for a plausible explanation for her breakdown. Ten minutes ago, she could have gone jogging and now, she felt like she had the flu. She was feverish, shaky, nauseated, and her body ached like she’d been beaten with a bat.

Jesse cupped her clammy cheek. “You care for me, Violet. As much as you want to deny it, as much as you wish you didn’t, you do.”

Her free hand twisted in his damp shirt as she bared her teeth at him. “How could I possibly love someone who’s hurt me as much as you have?”

His mouth twisted in a bittersweet smile. “Because when you love, you do it with your whole heart. You give so completely, there’s no taking it back.”

Even as his words speared her heart, she held his gaze as she enunciated in a voice that trembled, “I do not love you.”

“Okay,” he said gently.

“I hate you,” she spat.

His fingers brushed through her waterfall of tears. “I know.”

She desperately tried to get a hold of herself as her emotions ravaged her insides. “I need you to go.”

“Is that what you really want?”

“Yes!”

He looked down at the hand she didn’t realize was still twisted in his shirt. She was horrified to see that, contrary to what her mouth was saying, she was tugging him toward her. She released him as if he burned her and shot to her feet. She snatched tissues from her nightstand and frantically mopped up her face. What the hell was wrong with her? Why couldn’t she stop crying?

“Violet.”

She whirled with a snarl. “Why are you still here? Go! Leave! ”

His eyes were a little wild as he stared at her. “I would have stayed if you asked me to, but it’s too late.”

Her heart skipped. “I didn’t ask you to.” That fiery volcano inside of her spewing lava added, “Why would I ask you to stay? I’m thrilled you’re leaving! This is a dream come true. I’ve been counting down the days!”

“You’re going to deny it to the bitter end,” he said with a shake of his head.

“There’s nothing to deny! I hate your guts!”

His eyes narrowed a second before he lunged at her. He clapped a hand over her mouth before she could utter a sound and drove her backward into the wall.

“You don’t know when to quit,” he bit out through clenched teeth. “If I had more time, I’d prove what a fucking lie that is.”

He buried his face in her hair, inhaled, and groaned before he slumped against her.

“How am I going to live without you? I miss you already, and you’re right here.” His hand fisted in her hair. “I’m going for both our sakes, to give us time and space to regain some sanity.”

He tugged on her hair, forcing her head back to look at him. His shadowed gaze, full of aggravated yearning, moved over her face.

“Hopefully, while I’m gone, you’ll come to your senses.”

She yanked his hand off her mouth to hiss, “I have come to my senses! I never want to see you again!”

A muscle ticked in his jaw. “You’re so fucking stubborn.”

She pushed at his chest. “You have to go.”

“Kiss me goodbye.”

She went rigid. “No!”

“Please. Just this once,” he said raggedly and brushed his lips back and forth across hers, tempting her to engage. “One last kiss.”

Why did her heart feel like it was breaking? Why was her entire body trembling with grief and sorrow? This is what she wanted. What she’d prayed for. She reached the end of the tunnel but hadn’t stepped into the sunshine. For some reason, she hesitated in the shadows and wasn’t making a break for freedom. What the hell was wrong with her? Why had one of her hands twisted in his shirt, once again holding him to her, instead of shoving him away as he deserved?

As if he knew her tumultuous thoughts, his mouth curved in a shaky, agonizing smile. His bloodshot eyes were suspiciously bright.

“You’re beautiful on the inside and out, pitying a monster, even though you try not to. I can see you’re fighting it, but God did say to love your enemy.”

Even as she hauled in a breath to verbally rip him to shreds, he disarmed her when he brushed the tip of his nose against hers, a gesture of affection he hadn’t done since they were kids. Her mind flooded with memories of a happier time. A time she hadn’t allowed herself to think about because it hurt too much to remember how much they’d lost. How had this all gone so wrong? Her mouth trembled as a tear slipped down her face.

“I’m sorry, Violet. For everything. If you can’t forgive me, have mercy on me.”

She wasn’t sure why that plea made her stomach drop but combined with the sound of an invisible clock ticking, she felt a mounting sense of dread and urgency. This was it. He wasn’t going away for a weekend or even a week or two like he did when he went to sports camps. He was leaving . They didn’t know when they would see each other again. His life wouldn’t be his own once he walked out the door. The military would dictate everything from here on out. She despised him, but if something happened to him, and she denied him this, could she ever forgive herself?

Shutting down all rational thought, she clasped the back of his neck and set her mouth on his. Anger was her driving emotion. She funneled the tornado of her destructive emotions into him. She was the aggressor, the one who nipped and bit and wanted him to hurt. He let her do what she wanted to him and when she gave him an opening, he returned her aggression with tenderness. He kissed her in a way that left her feeling raw, shaken, and heartbroken.

When her legs gave out, he held her in the crook of one arm and cradled her face as he cherished her and repented for all the wrong he’d done. Attuned to him as she was, she sensed his desire, but it was tainted by the sharp tang of fear. Realizing he wasn’t as confident as he appeared, she couldn’t stop herself from trying to console him. Her fingers bunched in his hair as she kissed him back, comforting and reassuring him in the only form of communicating they had left.

“Jesse?”

Mom’s call seemed to come from a million miles away.

Jesse reluctantly disengaged and cleared his throat before he called out, “I’ll be out in a minute.”

Eyes awash with regret moved over Violet’s face as if he were trying to memorize it.

“Thank you,” he said gruffly, and tried to ease away from her, but her arms locked around him. “Violet?”

She was struck with sudden terror over a future without him in it. He had been the only constant in her life for almost five years. He was her tormentor, but also her protector. A part of her knew he would always have her back, and now she would have no one. She was going to be alone again.

“Vi, I have to go.”

“Jesse.”

She heard the inadvertent plea in her voice. Pain ripped across his features as he closed his eyes, shedding a tear that he transferred to her when he gave her a hard kiss.

“I’ll come back,” he said fiercely, before he ripped himself away from her.

She took a step after him, hand outstretched to grab hold of him, but he was too quick. He didn’t look back as he strode out of her bedroom. She listened to his swift, heavy footfalls go down the hall.

“Is Violet okay?” Mom asked.

“No,” Jesse said curtly. “She isn’t going to see me off. We have to get going.”

There was a flurry of movement and then the sound of the front door closing, the rev of an engine, and then silence.

Violet dropped to the carpet and finally let loose the scream that had been bottled up inside of her. Now that she was alone, everything she had crammed down for over nine months spilled out. She raged, pounding the carpet with her fists until they were numb. She cried until she retched and, when she collapsed on the bathroom floor, wondered why she felt like she’d just lost her best friend.

Violet tossed and turned. She moved around so much, her fitted sheet came undone, forcing her to remake her bed.

By the time Mom and Dad had returned home, she was semi-presentable, though her eyes that were nearly swollen shut let them know what she’d done in the interim. Strangely, her volatile emotional state seemed to have cured Lynne of hers. Mom spent the rest of the day treating her like she was sick—swaddling her with blankets even though it was hot as hell outside, making her soup, and coddling her.

Violet pummeled her pillow before she flopped on her side and stared at the bathroom door that she’d closed out of habit. Now, she could leave it open if she wanted to. She had to remember to ask Dad to fix the lock. She was so tired, she felt ill, but she couldn’t sleep. She should be dead to the world, getting the best sleep of her life. Instead, she was staring at the door, willing it to open.

With a low growl, she rolled out of bed, yanked the door open and marched into Jesse’s bedroom. She surveyed his tidy, empty room, illuminated by streetlights, with bitter, glistening eyes.

She ruined the taut sheets when she crawled over it. She breathed deep. The scent of his musk imbedded in the sheets comforted, even as it infuriated her.

She rolled onto her back and, under the gaze of his favorite football player, sank her hand into her pajama bottoms. She was soaking wet. Depraved memories played through her mind, making her writhe and pant and when she came, she hated that she moaned his name.

She stared at the ceiling as she came down from her high. She thought she was reclaiming her sexuality by masturbating in his room, the place where he initiated and corrupted her. She should have felt victorious, but as always, she felt empty. She couldn’t believe he was really gone.

She turned onto her belly and, in the darkness, sobbed her heart out.

“Violet?”

She opened her eyes and was confused by the orientation of the room until she realized she was in Jesse’s. Mom stood in the doorway with bleary eyes and messy hair.

She opened her mouth to say something, but before she could, the tears started again. Mom’s expression softened as she came forward. Violet held up a hand, not wanting to be touched, but Mom ignored that and hauled her into her arms.

“I know, honey. I miss him too,” Mom murmured.

Violet fisted her hand in Mom’s robe. Her body still yearned for him and her emotions were still entangled, despite her best efforts to block him out. It would take time to break the ties between them, but once she did, she would never let him back in.