Page 41 of Cloudless

THAT’S NOT LOVE

LILA

I envy the cocoon of soft blankets and peaceful dreams I left the twins in upstairs. My palms grow sweaty and my spine turns rigid as the na?ve girl on the screen ventures further into the never ending cave.

I know one thing for certain: I would make a horrible scary movie protagonist. At the first sign of a ghost in my house or a creepy creature in a dark cave, I would nope out of there so quickly the movie would end before it even began.

The sound of her friends’ voices fades behind her as the darkness envelopes her like a pool of ink. My heart beats a relentless rhythm in my chest as my fingers dig into the thick blanket covering my legs, as if it alone is what keeps me from following her into the darkness.

A silent, white blur flashes behind her as my mind fights my body's need to run from a fictional situation that poses no real danger other than to my blood pressure.

The colorless creature stalks her from the shadows as she ventures further from the safety of her friends. Every breath the creature takes, I can feel against the back of my neck like I’m stranded alongside the girl who takes far too many risks with her life for my taste.

The clicking of the creature's talons against the ceiling, yes, the freaking ceiling , feels like nails on a chalkboard. The girl’s steps falter as the unnerving sound finally reaches her ears.

Her eyes search the cave floor, completely unaware of the danger that lurks just above her head. Her gulp feels like my own as she slowly looks up to the ceiling of the cave to find the creature that will haunt my dreams for weeks. A scream builds in her chest as the creature descends.

The screen flashes to the horrified look on her friends' faces as her screams echo through the cave they never should have been in.

A chill runs down my spine as a commotion sounds from the kitchen behind me. I levitate off my seat and land firmly in Kam’s lap as a scream escapes my lips that rivals the actress on the screen.

My fingers dig into the hair at the nape of his neck as I bury my face in the warm safety of his neck. Tremors wrack my body as he clutches me to his chest.

His chuckle vibrates through me as my eyelids glow from the overhead light being turned on. I hadn’t even realized I closed my eyes.

Mace’s voice holds a lightness I’m not sure I’ll ever feel again. “I guess you were right, Ranger.”

I pry my face away from Kam’s neck and blink away the sting from the bright lights. Wyatt stretches his arms as he unfolds himself from his spot on the couch. “I told you to stack those bags of candy better than that. I’m surprised it took them this long to fall.”

Ellie rubs the sleep from her eyes as she stretches her arms over her head. “I guess this is a good time for a snack break. Anyone want anything?”

Dax shoots from his spot on the couch with a grin on his face. “I’ll make some popcorn.”

In unison, Kam, Wyatt, and Ellie all say, “No!”

Dax rolls his eyes as he crosses his arms over his chest. “I won’t burn it this time.”

I relax my grip on Kam’s neck as their voices fade into the kitchen. “Sorry for my death grip. You might have lost a few hairs.”

His laugh vibrates against me as he rubs small circles against my lower back. “I’m happy for the sacrifice of a few hairs if it gets you in my lap like this.”

My leggings glide against his jeans as I wiggle into a more comfortable position. I halt my movements when I feel a very firm bulge against my thigh. We both turn rigid as heat envelopes my face.

Careful of the growing bulge, I fix my eyes on the ceiling as I try to maneuver off his lap. The blanket holds my feet hostage as I try to free myself from Kam’s hold and this embarrassing situation. “I, um, I’m sorry. I, uh, I’ll just, uh?—”

His firm hands circle my waist as he lifts me like I weigh nothing to sit me firmly on my feet in front of him.

I don’t take the time to look at his expression before I bolt from the room. I don’t have a destination in mind as I race through the back door. My bare feet connect with the rough wood of the deck as the chill in the air cools my heated face.

My fingers dig into the railing as I count my shallow breaths. The full moon illuminates the smoke from a distant bonfire that lingers in the air as I try to fixate on anything besides the heat coursing through my body.

“Sunshine?” My breath stalls in my chest at the pain in his voice.

“Are you okay?” I let out a stuttered breath as his heat seeps into my back.

His voice falls to a whisper that not even the bats flying above our heads can hear.

“Talk to me.” My eyes flutter closed as he moves the hair from my neck to rest over my shoulder without touching my skin.

His breath tickles my neck like a feather-light kiss. “Did I make you uncomfortable?”

I shake my head as I open my eyes to the vacant yard before me. “No. You didn’t make me uncomfortable.”

The skin of my neck begs for his touch he has yet to give. “Then what is it?”

“I don’t know.”

I feel his exhale against my neck as I dig my fingers deeper into the wood of the railing. “Can I tell you something that terrifies me?”

The vulnerability in his voice finally gives me the courage to turn and face him. His chocolate eyes glow in the moonlight. “Always.”

His eyes search mine as he pushes a stray hair from my face. I yearn for the warmth that ghosts over my skin from the proximity of his fingers. “When my body reacts to you like it did in there, all I feel is shame.”

My brows crease with confusion. “What? Why?”

His eyes turn pleading as he takes a deep breath.

“I spent so long denying myself your touch that now I don’t know how to take it.

I spent so long convincing myself to be your friend that now I don’t know how to be anything but.

Even though I want to be more, Sunshine. So much more. I just don’t know how.”

A small smile breaks through my confusion as I lace my fingers with his.

“Can I tell you a secret?” He nods as a reluctant smile blooms on his face.

“I ran out of there because I don’t know what I’m doing.

I’ve never had a serious boyfriend before.

I’ve never wanted someone the way I want you.

I have no idea how to handle all these new feelings, and what I’m supposed to do about them.

But I know I don’t feel any shame about the way I feel about you, and I don’t want you to feel any shame about the way you feel about me, either. ”

He lets out a deep breath as his shoulders relax. “That’s easier said than done.”

A small laugh escapes into the night air as I grip his fingers tighter. “I know, but we can figure it out together.” I shrug as a full smile pulls at my lips. “Plus, we don’t have to do it like everyone else.”

His fingers weave through the hair at the nape of my neck as he finally touches my skin of his own volition. “I think I’m terrified of being like him.”

“Your dad?”

He nods his head as a crease forms between his brows. “I saw the way he treated my mom, Lila. I saw the way he let his desires dominate their relationship and control my mom. I saw how it ultimately tore them apart. How could you do that to someone you love?”

My hands firmly clench his sweatshirt, channeling the strength I aim to convey through my voice.

“You don’t. That’s not love, Kam. Your needs and wants are no less valid than mine.

It doesn’t matter if they’re physical or emotional.

The difference between you and your dad is that you value my needs and wants, too. ”

His smile transforms his face as he tightens his grip on my hair. He’s so close that his words flow against my lips. “How did you get so wise?”

My lips brush against his as I say, “Being the guardian of two seven-year-olds as a twenty-one-year-old will do that to you.”

Relief that feels like the first drink of ice water on a warm summer day flows through me as his lips connect with mine. And suddenly, all is right in the world.