Page 31 of Cloudless
THE BENCH WARMERS GROUP CHAT
KAM
THE BENCH WARMERS GROUP CHAT
Dax
So, Cap, why were you grinning like a hyena when you came back in from getting your wallet last night?
Mace
Isn’t it obvious?
Dax
Obviously not…
Mace
Cap got kissed last night.
Dax
And you know this, how?
Mace
Again, obvious…
Dax
…
Mace
If Sullivan’s blushing cheeks weren’t enough of a tell, Cap’s death grip on her hand for the rest of dinner should have been a dead giveaway.
Dax
THEY WERE HOLDING HANDS?!
Mace
I worry about you sometimes, Dax. I really do.
Wyatt
We can’t help you if you can’t see what’s right in front of your face, Dax. It’s a wonder you manage to cross the street on your own.
Dax
HEY!
Kam
I was not grinning like a hyena…
Mace
You totally were.
Dax
Yes, you definitely were!
Wyatt
…
Kam
Fuck off.
Dax
I need details, Cap! You can’t leave us hanging like this!
Kam
There’s nothing to tell. We kissed. It was mind blowing. We’re going on a date tomorrow night.
Dax
NOTHING TO TELL?! Bullshit! That’s a lot to tell, man! Why didn’t you say anything last night? We’ve only been waiting for this for an eternity!
Mace
You’re going on a date?! Where are you going to eat?
Kam
Yes, we are going on a date. And it has not been an eternity…
Mace
WHERE ARE YOU EATING?! I NEED TO KNOW. If you need restaurant recommendations, I’ve got you!
Kam
About that…Wyatt…I need to borrow your truck.
Wyatt
Dax
WHY DO YOU NEED TO BORROW HIS TRUCK?! WE NEED ANSWERS, CAP!
Kam
And, Mace? I need your dad’s phone number and your spaghetti sauce recipe.
Mace
I’ll send over his contact info AFTER YOU TELL ME WHAT THE HELL YOU PLAN ON DOING WITH MY RECIPE!
Kam
Like I would risk telling you and your big mouth.
Mace
I am offended.
Wyatt
He has a point though…
Mace
DO NOT TAKE HIS SIDE!
Dax
Kam
You gossip more than my sister…
Mace
That’s not fair! Ellie doesn’t have any friends to gossip with. Plus, I have four sisters, Cap. FOUR! The amount of gossip that would flow through our house on a nightly basis was impressive. Check your email for the recipe.
Wyatt
At least Ellie has a personality…
Mace
Low blow, man. Low blow.
Dax
So, let me get this straight…You’re borrowing Wyatt’s truck, Mace is providing a recipe, and you’re getting Mace’s dad’s help? Everyone else has a task…
Kam
…
Dax
This is me asking for a task, Cap.
Kam
Um…
Dax
…
Kam
Can I borrow some parmesan cheese?
Dax
CHEESE?! IS THAT ALL I’M GOOD FOR?!
Mace
If the shoe fits…
Dax
Stay out of this, Mace!
Wyatt
Kam
Parmesan cheese is an essential part of any spaghetti dinner. Everyone knows this…
Dax
I’LL GET THE BEST DAMN PARMESAN CHEESE IN PENNSYLVANIA!
Mace
That’s the spirit!
Dax
Where do I buy parmesan cheese?
Wyatt
You’re kidding, right?
Mace
Please tell me you’re kidding…We can’t be friends anymore if you aren’t kidding, Dax.
Dax
Of course I’m kidding!
Wyatt
You just Googled it, didn’t you?
Dax
Mace
We are no longer friends. I expect full custody of the others in our divorce.
Kam
Mace, do you have a simplified version of this recipe?
Mace
WHAT’S WRONG WITH MY RECIPE?!
Kam
Nothing…It’s just that I have no idea what half this stuff is!
Mace
Oh, yeah? Like what?
Kam
What the hell is pancetta and why does it need to be diced? Can’t I just get some ground beef?
Mace
I’m learning a lot about you guys today…
Kam
And what’s the difference between extra virgin olive oil and olive oil?
Dax
What makes it a virgin or not, Mace? These are the real questions in life.
Mace
I officially hate all of you.
Wyatt
From what I can tell from SouthernLiving.com, it’s mostly a way for large companies to charge more for the same product.
Dax
A scam if I’ve ever seen one. That’s for sure.
Mace
NO. Just no.
Kam
You either send me a simplified version, or I’m turning to Google.
Mace
STOP! I’ll do it. Don’t threaten me like that, Cap. And you call yourself my friend. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Kam
What does “a palm full of basil” mean?
Mace
Do I just need to come home early?
Kam
I mean, I wouldn’t say no…
Mace
You’re all idiots. Every single one of you.
Dax
Yeah, but we’re your idiots!
Wyatt
Do you want me to wash my truck?
Kam
You washed it three days ago…
Wyatt
That doesn’t answer my question.
Kam
No, Wyatt, I don’t want you to wash your truck.
Wyatt
Kam
Where’s the cooler?
Mace
Where it always is…
Kam
…
Wyatt
In the storage room under the stairs.
Mace
It’s official. Cap’s lost his mind.
Kam
***
Mace
YOU PUT THE COOLER THERE DUFFUS!
Wyatt
What’s a “duffus”, doofus?
Mace
Dax
Do we get to watch the twins while you’re on your date?
Kam
No. They’re staying with Lila’s grandparents.
Dax
BOOOOO!
Kam
Mace, your recipe says to cover the bottom of the pan with garlic…
Mace
And?
Kam
Which pan should I use? There’s three and they’re all very different sizes.
Mace
Use the one with the dent in the upper left corner.
Kam
It’s a round pan. A circle doesn’t have corners…And you guys think I’m the one who’s lost his mind.
Mace
Put the handle in your left hand. The dent should be on the upper left.
Kam
AH! I see it.
Dax
Kam
Why can’t you have actual measurements for this recipe like a normal person? “Cover the bottom of the pan with garlic” and “a palm full of basil” can mean very different things depending on what pan and whose palm you use. Just saying.
Mace
THAT’S MY MAMA’S RECIPE!
Kam
My bad, why can’t your mama have measurements for this recipe like a normal person?
Mace
That’s it, I’m turning my phone on do not disturb.
Dax
But what will your idiots do without you?
Mace
Not my problem.
Kam
It will be if I set our kitchen on fire…
Wyatt
Maybe one of us should go home?
Dax
I’ll be home in twenty minutes…
Wyatt
I meant Mace or I…you know…the adults…
Dax
Mace
Idiots helping idiots. God help us.