Page 19 of Cloudless

I MISSED THE PARTY

KAM

Even when I fumbled the winning goal for a championship title my senior year of high school, the disappointment in myself I felt then is nothing compared to what I feel right now.

Missing a goal is an unfortunate reality of playing the game. Going against my character, however, is unacceptable.

My fingers drum an anxious beat along the table in front of me as I wait for Lila. The minutes crawl by at an agonizing pace as the time draws near for class to start.

Memories of dozens of unsent texts flow through my mind from last night. I’m thankful now I didn’t send them in favor of the nuance of an in-person conversation.

The thought of Lila not being in my life because of one stupid decision sends fear through me like a bolt of lightning.

At first, her beauty drew me to her like a moth to a flame. Now her heart, her kindness, her determination to step up and be what Posey and Jasper needs is like a balm to my very soul.

When I look at Lila, I’m not struck with the overwhelming sense of love. It’s too soon for that, I know. But the sense of familiarity that washes over me every time I look into her eyes holds me captive. The sense that this person is important in ways I can’t yet fathom.

It’s what haunts my dreams at night.

It’s what has me willing to drop to my knees and ask for forgiveness if that's what she deems necessary.

Relief and anxiety flow through me in equal measure as Lila finally appears through the classroom door.

Her oversized shirt, messy ponytail, and dark circles under her eyes do nothing to dull her beauty that never ceases to revert me to a twelve-year-old boy watching his first crush on the playground.

A sense of summer and comfort washes over me as her mango scent permeates the surrounding air. She takes her seat next to me just in time for Professor Mills to reach his podium and clear his throat—his usual sign class is about to begin.

Seconds feel like minutes and minutes feel like hours as I wait for class to be over. My actions in my room last night play on a constant loop in my mind as I zone out.

Negotiation Strategies wasn’t my first choice, but I can’t help but feel thankful it led me to Lila.

My ears perk up at the mention of a group project near the end of class.

Professor Mills' monotone voice carries through the space in a dull current. “You’ll get in groups of two to work through a series of contracts. I want you to give me a list of recommended changes for each contract, along with your reasoning. No one sentence reasoning. Do I make myself clear? I want real, thorough responses.”

Murmurs circulate the room as other students look for the partner that won’t stick them with the most work. My blood pressure rises as a few heads turn in Lila’s direction.

Their gazes move on to others when I send them an icy glare.

The seat creaks under me as I turn my body toward Lila. The small smile already gracing her face sends a thrill through me. “Be my partner, Sunshine?”

Her smile only grows as she nods. “Sure, Trouble. Someone’s got to keep you in line.”

Professor Mills’ voice rises above the murmurs as students pair up around us. “Use the rest of the class to discuss your project. You’ll find the details of the project in your email inbox and in your student portal for this class. Have a good rest of your day.”

The murmurs grow into full conversations as Professor Mills exits the room to disappear into the cave that is his office.

Our classmates gather their things and file out of the room with their partners, clearly not waiting around for the last few minutes of class.

Lila stuffs her notebook in her backpack as I stick my notebook under my arm and stand.

I clear my throat to rid myself of the knot that forms whenever she’s near. “So, Lila.” I scratch the back of my neck to give myself something to do with my hands. “I actually wanted to apologize for last night.”

Her brows draw down in confusion as she slings her backpack over her shoulder. “About what?”

I decide to spit it out before my nerves take over.

“You trusted me with the care of your siblings and with our friendship, and I almost ruined it. I respect your decision to just be friends, Lila. I don’t want you to think I don’t.

Our friendship is far too important to me to risk in the way I did last night. ”

The slight tension in her shoulders leaves her frame with her next breath. “Thank you, Kam. Our friendship is important to me, too.”

I leave the weight that had become a parasite since I left her in my room last night behind as I follow her out of the aisle. Tendrils of escaped hair reach for me in the wind as she moves toward the door. I follow helplessly in their wake.

She raises her voice to be heard over the waves of students in the hall as we walk together. “Thank you for watching the twins yesterday. That’s all they talked about when we got home.”

I laugh as I think back to the rematch Posey won yesterday and how butthurt Dax was for the rest of the night. “I’m glad they had a good time. They’re welcome anytime.”

I hold the door open for Lila as the warm breeze washes over my face.

I curse under my breath as I realize I forgot my sunglasses at home.

Memories of the last time I direly needed my sunglasses spring to the forefront of my mind like a welcome friend.

I laugh under my breath as I ask, “Have you had any more trouble with your car battery?”

Her small laugh is almost as warm as the summer sun. “Thankfully, no. I’m still not sure what caused it to die that day.”

Seconds of comfortable silence stretch between us as we walk along the crowded sidewalk.

I speak before I’ve given myself permission. “I value your trust. I know it’s not easily given.” Quietly, I add, “I was very disappointed in myself yesterday. That’s why I left the room so quickly.”

The noise around us fades until we’re cocooned in our own bubble. She peeks over at me as we walk. The sight of her crystal blue eyes burdened by clouds again breaks my heart.

Her voice is gentle when she says, “What’s really going on, Kam?”

My throat grows tight as my mind rejects the idea of speaking the very thing I’ve worked so hard to heal from. “I don’t want to be like him.”

Her presence never wavers as we walk. “Like who?”

The melodic beat of our footfalls on the sidewalk calms my racing heart.

“My dad.” I blow out a breath that was intended for calming, but comes out shaky.

“He wasn’t a good man, Lila. The media talks about the great Brock Stryker, NHL starting center.

Record setting career high for goals. Multimillion dollar contracts. ”

I shake my head as I say, “What I saw when I looked at him was different. I saw a man who made my mom cry every time he went to an away game because he couldn’t keep his dick in his pants.

I saw a man who would almost drink himself to death and gamble away his fortune every time he lost a game.

I saw a man who wanted that same life for me.

” Students pass as we walk. I wonder what they see when they look at me.

Her eyes hold no judgement when she looks at me. “You’re not your dad, Kam.”

I nod as I’m forced to look away from her pure eyes for fear I might crumble under the weight.

“I know. I’ve worked very hard not to be.

When I went against your wishes last night and talked and acted in a way that went beyond friendship, I saw remnants of him.

” My voice quiets to a whisper. “That terrified me.”

She pulls me to a stop as her delicate fingers weave through mine. The warmth of her palm soothes a fracture in my heart that I thought had healed long ago.

My voice is shaky as I admit something I’ve never said to another soul.

“I thought I would be free of him when he died. I thought his harsh words couldn’t haunt me, but his legacy always will.

” A humorless laugh escapes me as I shake my head.

“That’s so selfish to say when you hurt so badly from what happened with your parents. ”

Her fingers tighten around mine as her eyes blaze with determination. “Just because your experience with the death of a parent differs from mine, doesn’t mean you’re not entitled to your feelings, Kam. It’s okay to admit your dad was a dick.” Her smile threatens to dull the intensity of the sun.

The intensity of the laugh that breaks free almost startles me. “You’re right. My dad was a dick.”

Her eyes light up as she steps so close, there are only inches between us. “Say it again, Trouble.”

“My dad was a dick.”

She takes another step so the tips of our shoes are almost touching. “Louder!”

I tilt my head back and yell so loudly that birds fly from the trees on either side of the sidewalk. “My dad was a DICK!”

My sister’s voice breaks the moment. “Sounds like I missed the party.” Lila drops my hand. I instantly miss the contact.

Air floods between us as she steps toward my sister with a smile on her face. “Hey, Ellie. I wanted to thank you again for getting Posey some nuggets yesterday. She’s always been such a picky eater.”

“It’s no problem. I was happy to do it.” Her eyes turn mischievous as she looks between us. “Now, tell me why you were screaming about our dick of a dad for all of campus to hear.”

“I was just telling Lila how his legacy doesn’t match up with reality.”

She nods as her eyes search mine. “Ah. I see.” She turns her full attention to Lila. “Want to grab a coffee? I was just heading to the cafe.”

Lila glances at her watch before she nods. “Sure. I’ve got an hour before my shift starts.”

I watch in fascination as the girls link arms like they’ve known each other their entire lives. “Sorry, Goose. No boys allowed.”

A laugh erupts from Lila as the clouds disappear from her eyes for a moment. “Goose?”

A seriousness takes over Ellie’s voice. “Have you ever been chased by a goose, L?”

Lila’s eyes light up as their voices fade the farther they get from me. “No, I haven't.”

The sheer joy emanating from Ellie is palpable.

“Well, Kam has.” She glances over her shoulder as she drags Lila toward the cafe.

The mischievous smirk on her face makes me fear for whatever she’s about to say to Lila in my absence.

“He has a scar in the shape of a bite mark on his ass to prove it.”

My groan is followed by a small laugh. My feet are rooted to the ground as I watch them walk down the sidewalk. Ellie’s ponytail and the tendrils of Lila’s escaped hair blow in the wind.

Their laughter lingers in the air like the sweetest of fragrances as I watch them disappear into the crowd.

My chest feels lighter as I continue on the path to my Tahoe. A smile lingers on my face the entire way. I opened up and talked to Lila about things I’ve hardly admitted to myself. And it felt damn good.