Page 24 of Chasing My Bliss (Behind The Lens #6)

Felicity

T he last two days have been pure bliss.

Bliss.

Fitting that I chose that for my screen name for Behind the Lens.

Tonight was our first official date, and we went to the movies. Of course, we had popcorn and nacho cheese and she found out the taste got even better with the movie theater butter kind. Afterward, we got coffee and came home. It’s been a perfect night.

One that I’ll always remember.

Ezra still hasn’t reached out to me, and while my heart is still breaking from his silence, I’m slowly moving forward. Baby steps, so to say. He will always own a piece of my heart, my soul, but I can’t keep pining over a man who can’t accept me. The real me.

“Want to sleep with me tonight?” Roxy asks, locking the front door.

“I’d love to. But I need to study some more and I have an early morning at the diner. I don’t want to wake you.”

She pokes out her bottom lip, giving me a perfect pouty lip.

“Stop!” I give her a playful swat. “Tomorrow, me and you. Your bed though, since it’s bigger.”

“Only if we’re naked,” she says.

“Wouldn’t have it any other way.” I take hold of her hands and pull her into me, my lips pressing against hers, giving her a chaste kiss.

“I’m falling for you, Felicity Montgomery.”

“And I’m falling for you too, Roxanne Cross.”

She lets go of one of my hands and reaches back, turning off the light as we move down the hallway hand in hand until we reach her bedroom.

“Well, this is my stop,” she says with a chuckle. “Sure I can’t change your mind?”

“Positive. But tomorrow, you can.”

“Pinky promise?” Roxy holds out her left pinky, waiting for me to interlock mine with hers. When I do, she lifts our joined hands and we both lean in and kiss them at the same time.

We drop hands and she steps inside her room, closing her door behind her, but not before giving me one final wink. “If you get lonely, just come cuddle with me.” With her last word, the door shuts and I continue on to my room.

I close the door softly behind me, turn on the light, and head to my dresser to put on my pajamas.

If I’m going to be studying, I might as well be comfortable.

Once I’m done, I pick up my bookbag and sit down on my bed.

Crossing my legs, I take out my Psychology book and notes and get comfortable.

It's time to learn all about Schizophrenia. The more I read, the more I hope I don’t have it.

I’m definitely at the right age that the first symptoms start to appear.

A buzz cuts through the quiet, a low tremor against the wood of the nightstand.

Bzzzz…bzzzz…

At first, I don’t move. Too lost in my studying.

It’s probably just Roxy from the other room trying to entice me into bed with her.

But then it buzzes again, more insistent this time, almost like it knows I’m ignoring it, wanting to finish this chapter and the next, quiz myself, and then go to bed. That’s my priority right now.

I glance toward the nightstand. The phone screen lights up briefly, casting a soft glow across the room. I can’t tell from this angle who it is. Just that it’s a notification of some sort, a missed call, a text or possibly an email.

With a quiet sigh, I drop the book, prop myself up on one elbow and reach over. My fingers brush the cool surface of the phone as I drag it toward me. The vibration buzzes against my skin, a little jolt that breaks the stillness.

The screen lights up fully as I lift it.

And for a moment, my heart catches.

I close my eyes and open them again, taking another look, hoping that what I’m seeing is reality and not some illusion.

I take another look. This time, I pinch myself to make sure I’m not dreaming.

“Ouch,” comes out louder than I intended and I pause, my eyes focused on the door, listening for any sound that may have woken Roxy up.

Nothing.

I let my thumb hover just above the screen, my pulse ticking a little faster as the light reflects in my eyes. A deep breath in and exhale slowly. I do this three times until finally my nerves are calm and then open the text thread.

Ezra: Are you awake?

Ezra: If you are, and ignoring this, then I understand.

Ezra: I deserve it. I’ve been a dick.

Ezra: Can we talk?

My heart drops to my stomach. He wants to talk. Now, after all this time. When I’ve started something with Roxy. Could this get any more complicated?

I want to answer him. To reply to his text. With all my heart. My fingers itch to open the phone icon and dial his number. But I don’t. I can’t. What if he’s wanting to tell me it’s over? Then there’s no hope left. It’ll all be squashed, and my great love affair with him will be over.

A sharp pain pierces my heart, and I clutch my chest as a tear slides down my face.

There’s no way I can study. My mind isn’t there. And I can’t answer. Not yet. I could go to Roxy, let her hold me, help guide me on what to do. But that’s not fair to her, even though I know she would.

Reaching over, I place my phone back on my nightstand, then shove my books to the side before climbing out of bed only long enough to turn out the light. I doubt I’ll be able to sleep tonight, but I sure as hell won’t be able to focus on anything school related.

“He messaged me last night,” I blurt out as I pour my cup of coffee.

I barely slept a wink after receiving those texts. I spent most of the night tossing and turning, fighting the urge to message Ezra back, to call him. To not slip on my shoes and drive over to this house. I still have a key. I could easily let myself in.

“What did he want?” she asks, stepping up beside me, pushing my hair off my shoulder and kissing me gently.

“To talk. I don’t know for sure. I didn’t respond.”

She sighs. Not one of frustration or anger. But of heaviness.

“You need to message him. Both of you need to talk and work out this issue between you.”

“And what about you?” I turn to face her, my eyes already welling up with tears that I’m holding in with all my might.

“You know where I’ll be. Right here. Waiting for you. I’m not going anywhere unless you tell me to.”

I just nod my head. She kisses me softly on the lips, then presses her forehead against mine.

“It’s going to be okay. Everything is going to work out and you’ll get exactly what you want.”

I snort. I’m glad someone believes that. What I really wish is that it was me.

“I'll message him. See if we can get together and talk in person. That way I can tell him about us, too.”

“Then go get your phone. Do it now before you chicken out.” She takes hold of my shoulders and gently moves me to the side as she steps up to the counter. “I have the coffee. I’m going to put yours in a thermos, since you need to be leaving for class.”

I take a deep breath and head to my room. Once I’m there, I sit down on the edge of the bed. My fingers tremble as I pick up my phone and open the message thread with Ezra. It’s still early. He’s probably still home, getting ready to head to school.

My fingers hover over the screen, waiting patiently while I build up the courage to reply.

“Don’t overthink it!” Roxy shouts, her voice echoing into my room all the way from the kitchen.

I don’t answer her, instead I start to type.

Me: I’d like to talk to you too. Can we do it today?

I hit the send button and immediately it shows read, just before the dots start bouncing up and down and his reply comes through.

Ezra: Can we do it in person?

Me: I think that’s best.

This conversation feels so formal. So cold. Not like two people who were so deeply in love. One who still is.

Ezra: Can you meet me at my house after I get done at school? I’ll come straight home.

Me: I can’t then. I have work.

Me: I can come over after. How does 6 sound?

Ezra: Perfect. If you’re working at the diner I can call an order in and pay for it. You can bring it with you.

Me: I’m not working at the diner tonight.

Ezra: Oh. Ok. I can cook something then. I’ll see you at 6.

Me: Ok.

I grip the phone tightly. Tonight, I’ll know exactly where we stand. If there is an us going forward. Especially after he finds out about Roxy. That we’re together. Not that we’ve defined what we are. But I know I don’t want to let her go either.

The phone vibrates in my hand, and I let out a tiny squeal, jumping at the unexpected intrusion.

Ezra: I love you, Felicity.

I want to reply back with the same thing. But something’s holding me back. I’m not sure what it is. But I can’t say those words, not until I know we’re okay.

“So?” Roxy appears in the doorway, a coffee cup in one hand and a thermos in the other.

“We’re going to meet at his place after I do my live stream.” I stand up, taking the mug from her and picking up my bookbag. “Guess I should get going.”

“Alright. I’ll be here when you get home.” She waits for me to leave, falling in step behind me.

One way or another, I’ll know where Ezra and I stand by the end of the day.