Page 2 of Chasing My Bliss (Behind The Lens #6)

Felicity

I fidget with the hem of my shirt, twisting the fabric tightly around my fingers as if it might somehow ground me to the here and now. Lorna sits across from me, behind the sleek, modern desk, a sharp contrast to her bold personal look. She’s finishing up a conversation with her assistant, Nova.

“What the fuck am I doing here?” I question myself internally.

They’ve been coming to the restaurant for a while now.

Lorna, Chad, and their families. They’re a unique bunch, to say the least. Both of them have more than one partner and they don’t seem to care.

I mean, I can see the appeal in it. But this.

This is different. I know what they do, the business they own. It’s so unlike me.

“Why am I even here?”

I’m so lost in thought, I don’t even realize that they’ve finished talking until Lorna’s sharp voice slices through my daze, pulling me back to the present.

“Felicity.”

I blink, shaking my head. “Sorry.”

Lorna smiles, though there’s a knowing glint in her eye. She leans back in her chair, her arms folding over her chest. “You’re nervous,” she states.

Not sure what to say at first, I shrug while giving her an awkward smile. “A little. Maybe? I’m not sure,” I reply.

Great. I’m doing it again.

My disjointed thoughts sometimes cause my words to sound incoherent, often turning into an unintended rambling session.

Her phone buzzes against the desk, and she glances at the screen.

Picking it up, her eyes scan what she’s looking at before her fingers fly over the keyboard, tapping out a reply to whatever message she got.

Lorna sets it back down on her desk and refocuses on me.

“Don’t be. There’s no need.” She pauses for a moment, sitting forward in her chair, placing her arms on her desk.

“Chad’s in the elevator. Once he gets here, we’ll eat, and talk. ”

She doesn’t elaborate, or give me even the slightest clue about what she wants to talk to me about. The not knowing isn’t doing anything for my nerves. I don’t know if I’ll be able to eat a bite of food when Chad does get here with it.

I nod, but my stomach is in knots. This conversation—whatever it is—feels like a looming cloud over me, ready to burst into a storm at any moment. Lorna isn’t someone who wastes time. I just wish I knew what she wanted to speak to me about today. The not knowing has me on edge.

“I know you have a lot on your plate,” Lorna continues. “I remember being a student, having to work my ass off. It’s hard, but you’ll come out on the other side a better person. A stronger person.”

“Thank you,” I whisper. What Lorna probably doesn’t understand is how much those words mean to me. How close to home they hit.

A few minutes later, the door swings open, and Chad steps in, the scent of warm food following him.

He’s carrying bags from a local deli, one I’ve never had the luxury of trying, but have passed many times.

Takeout isn’t something I can afford these days.

Not with having to help keep a roof over our heads and pay for college.

“Let’s eat. It was agonizing smelling this in my car the whole way here and not being able to eat it.” Chad groans, setting the bags down on Lorna’s desk. His laughter is easy, infectious, as he has Lorna grinning along with him, but I can’t bring myself to join.

He doles out the food before sitting down and opening his sandwich, the crinkling of the paper filling the room.

“Go ahead and eat, Felicity. I know you have to be going soon and we have a lot to talk about.” Chad gestures toward my sandwich as he takes a large bite of his.

“Okay,” I mumble, as I slowly open the sandwich and take a small bite of the turkey club. My eyes widen as a burst of flavor hits my tongue. A soft moan escapes my mouth before I can stop it. I can feel my face heating from embarrassment as soon as I do it.

“It’s good, isn’t it?” Chad grins, scooting his chair closer to the desk.

I nod, unable to deny it. “Really good.” Lifting my hand, I cover my mouth while I speak so I’m not flashing them a mouthful of unchewed food.

Lorna waits until we’ve all taken a few bites before she sets her sandwich down and wipes her hands on a napkin. “Okay,” she says, her voice turning serious. “Let’s get down to why we asked you here today.”

I swallow hard, setting my sandwich down as well. My hands trembling slightly in my lap.

“As you know, I own Behind the Lens,” Lorna begins. “And let’s be frank, I’m sure you know or have heard the whispers, but I won’t sugarcoat things. We make porn here.”

I stiffen. My heart pounds against my ribs. Yep! I’ve heard those whispers. But I tried my hardest not to believe them, especially since they didn’t look like what I think of when I hear the word pornstar.

“We also have cammers,” she adds quickly before I can even process the bombshell she just threw at me.

I blink. “Cammers?” That’s something new. I’m not sure about that one.

Lorna nods. “Yeah. You have a site, and you entertain your subscribers.” She clears her throat.

“It’s up to the individual how much or how little they want to do on their channel.

Some have full-blown sex, bringing in partners.

” She tosses a smile to Chad, as if it’s some personal joke between them.

“Others go solo—masturbating, teasing.” She pauses, most likely giving me time to process.

“Some don’t do any of that; they just strip or do mundane things like dusting while chatting with their audience.

The point is, there’s a market for everything. ”

I don’t move, don’t speak. Hell, I’m not even sure that I can breathe.

“And you’re telling me this because?” Somehow I manage to get the words out, already feeling the few bites of the sandwich I ingested making their way back up my esophagus.

“Because you,” she continues, her eyes sharp, but appraising as they assess me, “would draw a crowd. You’re cute. You also have that wholesome look that men and women eat up. You could do as little as study in your lingerie, and you’d still rake in cash.”

My stomach twists. “What?” The word is barely audible. That’s insane. And she wants me to… she thinks that I can? Shit, I don’t even like to be seen in a bikini, much less having someone looking at me in my underwear.

Lorna exhales, leaning forward slightly.

“We like you, Felicity. Our families like you. And we know you’ve been struggling since your mom lost her job.

No matter how hard you try to hide it, we see it.

We’ve both been there. We know what it’s like.

” She gestures with her hand between herself and Chad.

I bite my lip, my pulse roaring in my ears.

“So, what do you think?” Lorna asks, her tone even, as if this is just another business proposition. Not her asking me to bare my soul and body to the world.

I swallow hard. “Uhh, I don’t know. I could use the money, but people would know it’s me. They’d see my face. There’s no way I could get a different job after or show my face at school. I’d always be worried that they may have seen me.” I’m overwhelmed and all I can do is blow out a deep breath.

My hands are moving with my words, gesturing along the length of my body.

“Not necessarily,” Chad interjects. “Lorna wears a mask. She uses a cam name. No one knew it was her. Hell, some still don’t.

You could do the same. You’d be able to keep your work and personal life separate.

Then you could cut down on those extra shifts at the diner and focus more on your schoolwork. ”

I glance at Lorna, searching her expression for any hint of discomfort, of regret. There’s none.

“He’s telling the truth. While I have different reasons for keeping my identity a secret, I enjoy every minute of it. It’s honest work, Felicity,” she says simply.

“And I wouldn’t have to…” I trail off, my throat dry. “Have sex with anyone?”

“No,” they say in unison, their voices firm, giving me some comfort.

I let out a slow breath, my mind spinning.

“Do I have to give you an answer today?” The words come out softer than I intend, but I still can’t believe that I’m even giving the idea any thought.

“No,” Lorna says. “I want you to think about it. Even if you decide today that it’s not something you want to do, the offer is always open.”

I nod slowly, but my mind is anything but calm.

“I know it sounds scary and crazy. But it’s really not. There’s no pressure.” Lorna tells me, and I can see the compassion in her eyes.

Biting on my lower lip, I sit there and think, knowing that their eyes are on me. It’s a big decision and one I do need to think about. The decision I make will have a huge impact on my life.

I can say yes or no. But regardless of my choice, I know I can always change my mind. Like she said, the offer is open. It’s not a now or never option.

“Thank you, Lorna.” Then I turn my head, “Chad. I have a lot to think about. I’ll get back to you with my answer. Thank you for lunch, too.” I add nervously as I stand and head to the door.

My answer should be hell yes to the job.

I just don’t know if I’m brave enough to take it.

Before I know it, Lena is tapping me on the shoulder.

“Are you okay?” she asks, as I notice the class rushing out of the room.

Shit! Class is over. I just sat down.

“Yeah, fine.”

“Okay. If you need the notes, just give me a call.” She gives me a wink before sliding the strap of her book bag over her shoulder and takes off.

I don’t even know what my instructor said during class. It’s as if I was a zombie, moving through the motions with no thought. Just instinct.

All I can think about is how good it would be to not be tired all the time.

To not wake up just to work and go to school.

Most of all, to have time to study. Hell, maybe I could even have a life, meet a nice guy and finally have a boyfriend.

One who takes me out on dates, cuddles with me, and tells me he loves me.

After five agonizing tries, my car finally starts and I make the journey home.

Just what I need—another problem. If it breaks down now, I’m screwed.

There’s no way I have the extra money just lying around for repairs.

Mom’s car isn’t much better, and she needs it to look for jobs when she’s not working.

There’s no way in hell I could take it from her.

Pulling into the driveway, I immediately notice Mom’s car is gone.

Maybe she got a call for a new job, or she could be out putting in applications.

An agonizing groan escapes my lips as my eyes land on the overgrown lawn.

I need to find time to cut the grass before it ends up being taller than me and it turns into a jungle.

Maybe I can do a little now before my next shift, but then that won’t leave me any time to study.

Which means I’d have to stay up late. Just the thought of that has me sick to my stomach.

Inside, I drop my bag by the door and head to the kitchen for some water.

Stress claws at me, my temples pounding as a heavy weight presses down on my chest. I pull a bottle from the fridge and sit at the table, my eyes landing on a stack of papers.

The top one is the electric bill—past due. A cutoff notice for the tenth.

Fuck me. We’ve had to go a week before with no electricity and there’s no way in hell I’m doing that again. This just moved to the top of the priority list.

Bill after bill, all past due. We’re never going to get ahead at this rate. If I weren’t in school, that would be one less expense. But I’d be giving up everything I’ve worked so hard for.

I tap my fingers on the table, my mind drifting to my conversation with Lorna and Chad. Could I do it? What’s the worst that could happen? I can wear a mask, but where would I do it? There’s no way I could do it here. If Mom found out, she’d have a conniption.

My eyes drift back to the stack of bills, and I make up my mind. I pull out my phone and message the number Lorna gave me.

Me: I’m in. I just have some questions. Do you have time to meet and talk?

Her response comes almost immediately. A blessing and a curse. It’s just making what I’m about to do even more real.

Lorna: Of course. What does your schedule look like?

Me: Umm… not the most open. But I can work something out.

Lorna: If it’s easier I can call you, that way you don’t have to travel to the office.

Me: I guess my question is, where would I do it? The camming? My home isn’t exactly the best place.

Lorna: I didn’t give you a tour, but we have rooms here that you can use.

Me: Okay.

We chat a little more, then pick a time tomorrow for a tour and to go over all the details.

Only when we’re done, do I let out a breath.

Needing to burn off some nervous energy, I head outside to tackle the lawn. If we didn’t have neighbors, this might be one of those menial tasks I could do on camera. There’s no way my brain can focus enough right now to study.