Page 18

CHAPTER 18

DEAD INSIDE

BELLA

August

The house is dark and silent when I arrive. Jake must still be with his dad.

On my way up the stairs, a calm sensation engulfs me. It’s strange, considering how disturbed I felt after Cindy walked out of Thierry’s, how exposed I was when Xander read me like an open book. His ability to break through my defenses, to make me talk to him, is astonishing. No one has ever had that effect on me.

I learned how to hide my emotions long ago. Some days it’s a blessing, but most days it’s a curse. I’ve forgotten how to be open, how to trust. I’ve worn a fake smile for so long, it has become welded to my lips.

My life is nothing but a big pretense, and I’m the biggest hypocrite of all because I’m never honest. My desperate need to be loved turned me into someone I don’t recognize.

A fraud.

That’s who I am, and I don’t know how to stop.

Truthfully, I’ve always preferred to be alone, where I could hide in my own thoughts. But the night my stepfather walked into my room, my aloofness became my armor, and when my mother refused to believe me, I turned in on myself completely.

“You’ve always been desperate for attention, but this is next level. If you ever say something like that again, or if I find out you’re talking to others about this nonsense, you best believe I’ll turn your life into your worst nightmare,” Mother says just before she walks out of my room.

I sit on my bed, staring at the wall for hours, numb to everything. My life is already my worst nightmare. I’m not sure I have it in me to deal with anything worse.

So, I won’t talk about it.

I’ll remain quiet.

It’s the only way to survive.

In the shower, I go through the motions, staring blankly at the wall all the while. Afterward, I slip into a nightie and comb my hair until it’s smooth, like silk under the light of the moon. For a long time, I sit in front of the mirror, staring at my reflection while thoughts swirl in my head, bringing memories to the surface.

The ones I keep locked away.

Tonight, though, they’ve escaped, and they are invading my mind.

In the beginning, Kevin was great. My mother was the one who caused problems. She wanted him all to herself.

When I was thirteen, Kevin took my mother and me to New York. The trip had all the makings of a cherished memory—right up until my mother’s outburst. Kevin had taken us to a Broadway show, and, in her opinion, he’d paid too much attention to me. She was awful to me all night, and before we left, I stepped into the bathroom. When I came out again, they were gone.

I ran out of the theater and scanned the sidewalks. I spent the next five hours searching, wandering. It was a miracle I found my way back to the hotel. Close to hysteria and shaking with fear, I knocked on the door of our hotel room.

Only when my mother calmly answered the door did I realize they hadn’t been looking for me.

She told Kevin I had thrown a tantrum and insisted on walking back to our hotel alone. She lied to him, made me out to be a brat so she could have her husband’s undivided attention. I can’t imagine why he wasn’t concerned when they returned to our room and I wasn’t there.

That night, I sobbed silently in bed; if Kevin or my mother heard me, they’d yell, but I was unable to stop the tears. I felt like the loneliest person ever.

After that day, my whole life changed. Kevin clearly got the message my mom was sending and stopped treating me like his daughter. My mother was even more awful. She made it clear I was a burden to her.

That was when I lost hope of ever finding a person who would love me for who I was. Because if my mother couldn’t do it, how could anyone else?

So, I became a different person. I became malleable, perfected the ability to meet the needs of those around me. Anything to be convenient. I adjusted myself for others to ensure I wouldn’t cause trouble. I was deathly afraid of being left alone again, so I would put up with anything, do whatever was asked of me in hopes I wouldn’t be tossed aside.

I lost my sense of self, decimated any self-esteem I still had. I let the real me disappear.

For most of my adolescence, I was invisible to Mom and Kevin. They didn’t talk to me unless they absolutely needed to. They didn’t care what I was doing, what I was wearing, about my grades or whether I had eaten. I was just there, always lonely but never alone.

The irony isn’t lost on me. Life with Jake isn’t all that different.

The ringing of my phone brings me back to reality. I pick it up, and Jake’s picture stares back.

Xander’s words about Cindy come back to me. I believe him, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to ask Jake about her. After the incident at the club with Regina, I can’t help but be suspicious.

I press my phone to my ear. “Yeah?”

“Isabella, baby, I’m still at my parents’ house. Mom asked me to stay for dinner, and you know how that goes.”

In the background, his mother laughs, and his dad responds, though I can’t make out the words.

I stand and cross the room. “Are you staying there tonight?”

“Probably. That way I won’t wake you up.”

“Okay.” I ease onto the bed and lie back.

“Did Walker give you the measurements you needed?” He’s being polite. He doesn’t give a damn about my work. When I tried to show him, he didn’t want to see the designs his friend chose or what I liked the most.

“Yeah, everything’s fine. Actually…” I take a deep breath and garner the strength I need to force the next words out. “When we were at Thierry’s, a girl came in, and when she recognized Xander, she came to our table. She asked me to say hi to you. She said you know her. Her name is Cindy.”

“Cindy?” he asks, his voice a little too high. “What does she look like?”

“She’s blonde. Curvy, with big boobs and long legs.” I don’t mention that Xander told me everyone on the team knows her. This is Jake’s shot to be honest with me.

“I don’t think I know her. If I do, I can’t place her,” he says dismissively.

“Hm. Xander said she was at the club with you guys the night of his welcome party.”

He’s silent for a moment, and when he speaks again, his tone is harsh. “Well, if Walker told you that, then of course she was with us, and of course I know her. How could I not, right? Who fucking cares?! There were all kinds of people partying with the team. I’m Jake Miller. I should know everyone—every random bitch, every stupid fucker.”

I lick my lips, my heart thudding loudly in my ears. “Why are you being so defensive? All I said was?—”

“I heard what you said. I’ll be home soon.” With that, he hangs up.

I put my phone on the nightstand and crawl under the covers. Closing my eyes, I shut everything out, mentally removing myself from the situation I created by bringing up Cindy. I lie quietly, unmoving, begging for sleep to take over.

* * *

“Isabella…”

My eyes flutter open, and for a moment I don’t know where I am. The room is dark and quiet. Behind me, the mattress dips, then Jake is hovering over me, his brow wrinkled. “Did I wake you up?”

“Uh-huh.” I cover my mouth with one hand to stifle a yawn.

“I told you I’d be home soon. Why didn’t you wait up?”

“Sorry. I accidentally dozed off.” It’s a lie, but it’s easier this way. I prop myself up on my elbows.

He backs off a little, his grayish blues roaming over my face. A very calculated breath leaves his mouth, and he asks, “Why did you ask me about that girl?”

Hurt and irritation battle inside me. “Because I’ve never seen her before, yet she somehow recognized me. She asked me to say hi to you. She said you told her I was a homebody.”

“Wow, so I not only know her, but I also talk about you with her?” He throws his head back and barks out a laugh. “Isabella, do you have any idea how nuts that sounds?”

“But Xander?—”

“What?” he all but growls. “Xander what? Did he tell you I was cheating on you?”

“No.” I force myself to stare Jake down, keeping my emotions in check. “He told me Cindy was partying with you guys at the club, that she left with someone from the team but it definitely wasn’t you.”

He chews on his bottom lip, as if my answer surprises him. Then he narrows his eyes. “Do you think I’m cheating on you?”

I shrug half-heartedly, my body sagging against the headboard.

“Baby, this is—” He shakes his head. “That’s so messed up.”

“Why?” Pain stabs my heart, like lightning piercing the sky during a storm. My feelings mean nothing to him. It’s all about him.

“Because I already told you I didn’t cheat on you. Yeah, I love to party, and there are lots of beautiful women around, but you’re the only one I want. I’ve loved you since high school. I couldn’t forget you, no matter how hard I tried.”

“I’m the one who got away,” I whisper hoarsely. “Is that what you called me in college?”

“Fucking Walker! He should’ve kept his big mouth shut.” Jake rears back, grasping my forearms and forcing me to face him abruptly. “I’m not a cheater,” he grinds out.

“Then why did you get so defensive when I mentioned Cindy?” I don’t know why I’m asking. My gut tells me I already know the truth, but confirmation will help me decide what to do with him.

“For fuck’s sake!” He shakes me, his fingers digging in hard enough to bruise. “Maybe this chick and I were at some of the same parties. Maybe I slept with her before you and I got back together. I have no fucking clue; that’s why I didn’t tell you anything. But also because, knowing you, you’d have hidden back in your head again if I told you I knew her.”

I don’t believe him. Lies slip through his every word, like water from a sieve.

My mother was my teacher. She lied so masterfully, blaming me for disappearing in New York even though she was the one who abandoned her own daughter. Since then, I’ve paid close attention, and I’ve learned how to tell when people are lying to me.

It may have taken me some time, but now I can spot Jake’s lies too.

I take a deep breath and welcome the indifference that washes over me. I just want it all to end. I want to be left alone. My lips tremble, but I won’t allow myself to cry. Instead, I force on the most convincing smile I can muster.

“Sorry,” I say. “I don’t know what came over me. I never should’ve doubted you.”

“Bullshit.” He scowls. “You’re not fucking sorry at all.” Closing his eyes, he takes a deep breath. When his eyes open and he focuses on me again, his voice goes soft. “You should’ve come with me to my parents’. If you had, you never would’ve met this Cindy person at all.” His lips break into a smug smile as he pulls me to his chest. “See what happens when you don’t come to stuff with me? I wouldn’t put it past anyone to try to get between us, to lie to your face to make you doubt me. All I need is you.”

“Uh-huh.” His words do nothing to persuade me, but I don’t tell him that.

Every one of them sends me back in time, to when Kevin would turn the tables and put the blame on me. Nausea claws at my insides. This moment is far too reminiscent of so many others I’ve tried to forget.

Jake tugs on my nightie and squeezes my breast, his eyes hooded with desire. “Fuck, I want you. Fighting with you makes me so fucking hard.” He buries his face in my neck.

I want to vomit, to scream at the top of my lungs. Instead, I remain still, too scared to push back.

Fear permeates my veins, making my blood freeze. I’m back in my room with my drunk stepfather.

Some people are strong enough to fight back. I’m not one of them.

I am a coward.

“Avoiding me isn’t going to work, Isabella.” Kevin’s hot breath on my cheek brings a wave of repulsion. “You don’t want to be on my bad side, do you?” He wraps his hand around my throat, squeezing so hard my vision blurs. “You need to fix what you’ve done to me. Drop to your knees and be my obedient little whore.”

I couldn’t tell anyone what was happening, so instead I turned off my emotions, hid my secrets, and let him get away with that transgression and so many more.

Now, I’m letting Jake do the same thing.

“Whatever you want,” I mutter.

He molds his mouth to mine, his kiss hard, demanding, but I don’t feel anything. People who are dead inside can’t feel.

They just want it to end.