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87

Summer

I climb into Connor’s bed, slipping under the covers and relaxing back against his pillow. Connor strips off, pulling on pajama pants before crawling in next to me. He opens his arms, and I move into them, wrapping myself around him.

“Talk to me,” he says, pressing a kiss to my forehead.

My brows furrow, and I look up at him. “About what?”

“You’ve been distant all night, babe.”

I think back to the party. Was I being distant with him? We danced and kissed and touched. My mind wandered more than a few times, but there’s no way he could have caught that. Right? There’s no way he could have seen behind my false smile, the one I have perfected over the years.

The Almighty’s words echo in my mind. “You will find more than peace, my child. You will find happiness. Joy. Belonging.” But maybe what I should have asked is if, when I found it, it would be enough.

“It’s just stress, Con. I’ll be okay tomorrow.”

Connor cups my cheek, tilting my head up. “Summer.”

I sigh. “I promise I’ll be better tomorrow. Let’s just sleep.” I don’t even know how to begin to talk to him about this. I don’t know if I want to talk to him about this. It feels like something that will taint him.

I move in closer to him, nuzzling into his neck.

“Babe?”

I kiss his neck softly. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” he says, and I can feel the unease in his voice.

We lie in silence for a while. My mind is whirling, and I can almost hear him thinking as well.

“Babe?” Connor whispers after a long while. “You still awake?”

I nod.

“I feel like you’re… pulling away from me, and I don’t know how to stop it.” I push up onto my elbow to look down at him. Connor brushes a lock of my hair behind my ear. “It kills me that I’m leaving you for two weeks. Don’t shut me out.”

“Con?” I say, barely able to see his face in the dark.

“Yes?”

“All I’m going to do for the next two weeks is miss you. I know it feels like I’m pulling away, but I promise you, it’s nothing to do with you. I love you.”

Connor lets out a long breath, and I wonder how long he has been holding it. “It feels so wrong to leave you behind. It feels like I’m leaving my heart behind, and it’s putting me on edge.”

“I get it, big guy, but nothing is going to happen to me. I’ll be with Alice in Transylvania, and she has like royal guards or something. You’re going to go to Eden, and you’re going to have the best time with your family.”

“Two weeks is just… so long,” Connor says, and I can hear the pout in his voice.

My lips twitch. “What if I told you that Alice and I are already planning a summer vacation, and we’ve included the entire Morningstar clan?”

Connor’s teeth flash white in the dark, his smile brightening the night.

“Does that help?”

Connor runs his fingers through my hair, and I want to purr at the feeling. “A little. I still don’t want to go.”

“Connor Azrael Morningstar. Your mother has been planning for you boys to go home for Yule since the semester started. She texts me all the time about it.”

“You can’t be on her side,” Connor groans.

I kiss along his jaw. “She’s so excited, Con. The house has been completely transformed, and she’s been baking for days.”

“She certainly is the queen of decking the halls.”

“I’m not going anywhere, big guy,” I say, gently biting the curve of his powerful jaw.

Connor pulls me tighter into him, and I kiss him deeply. He deepens the kiss, his tongue exploring my mouth, but I can feel his muscles are still tense beneath me.

“Stop thinking so much,” I whisper when I pull back to breathe.

“You first,” Connor whispers back, and I claim his mouth again, trying to distract him and myself from the intrusive thoughts.

I roll onto my back and pull him on top of me. Connor props himself up on his forearms, and I try to tug him down, wanting more of his weight.

Connor laughs and resists. “I’m heavy.”

I lean up, snagging his lips with mine. “I like it.”

“You’ll be safe?” Connor asks, kissing me back.

I nod and slide my hands slowly down his chest, moving toward his pants.

Connor grabs my hands and looks down at me. His expression is gentle, but I can see the sadness in his eyes.

“Babe? I just want to hold you tonight if that’s all right?”

I swallow and nod, pulling my hands away. Connor shifts onto his back and pulls me against him.

No, no, no, no, no. My demons are loud tonight, and there will be no distraction. Just me and my thoughts. My fucking awful, dark thoughts.

Connor idly strokes my back but quickly falls asleep with me in his arms. My mind drifts to the stranger, to the danger, to the thrill. Fuck. What is wrong with me? I roll out of his arms to lie on my back and stare up at the ceiling. Maybe I just need to get away from Avalon for a while.

My phone alerts, and I know exactly who it is. My body knows who it is.

He did cross the friend line, and he’s acknowledging it. Why am I not more upset? Because that darkness within me surged as he did it, and it felt so fucking good.

There is a weighted delay before he replies.

I exhale heavily, acknowledging the heavy weight sitting on my chest.

I wince, feeling every ounce of the truth dripping into the message.

I glance at Connor. He is sleeping so peacefully, his face so unburdened. His sweet kindness makes my heart ache.

I consider for a moment. Is that what it is? No. It doesn’t feel like anything is wrong apart from me.

I glance at Connor again. I so desperately want to tell him no, shove these thoughts from my mind, and cuddle into Connor. But I crave the feeling of being heard, of being understood. These truths have been locked within me forever, but since I met the stranger, I want to get them out, to voice them. I cling to the profound hope that perhaps if I speak them out loud, they’ll leave forever. I’d love to be able to tell Connor, to confide in and open up to him, but I don’t want any of my darkness to attach to him. While I know he’d be understanding and still love me, I don’t know that he wouldn’t look at me differently. I’m not sure if I could live with that.

Making up my mind, I climb out of bed. I pull on a pair of leggings and a red wool sweater before creeping down the stairs. Pulling on my snow boots, I slip out of the house, wrapping my arms around my body against the cold. I already regret leaving the warmth of Connor’s arms.

The stranger is already outside, leaning against the porch railing. His back is to me, and he’s looking out at the rainy night.

“You’re waiting for the next blow,” he says, still looking out into the inky night, though his voice sounds like he’s right next to me. “People like us,” he continues, “we don’t trust good things.” He looks up at the cloud-laden night sky. “We prepare for the next hit to come, coil our bodies in preparation.”

“It’s not just that,” I say, looking down at my boots.

He glances at me over his shoulder, finally pulling his gaze from the dark. “Then what is it?”

I sigh and sit on the front steps. A chill breeze blows my hair across my face, and I tuck it back behind my ear. “I’m not normal. I don’t have normal feelings, normal wants, or normal desires. I…”

“You’re not like him,” the stranger says, sitting beside me.

I pull on my sleeves, tucking my hands inside the cuffs. “I want to be.”

The stranger looks back at the sky. “The realms are full of wishes and wants, of those like him, golden and pure.” He pauses, then looks at me. “Then there are those like us.”

I meet his gaze. “Like us?”

“Those made from shattered shards of the realms, filled with the dust of all those who broke us. We’re not like them. We try and try, but we’re a different breed. Beings like us don’t have wishes and wants. We don’t obey. Instead, we challenge and destroy. We shape the realms, and they fear us.”

I swallow, looking away. “I don’t… I don’t even understand what it is I want. What I need. I just know it’s?—”

“It’s not what you’re getting now,” he finishes for me. “That’s all right, little fae. To not know. To wonder and reach.”

I feel my stomach dropping. “How do I change what I want, then?”

He pauses, formulating the weighty answer, but I already know what he is going to say. “You don’t. No more than you can change being born fae. It’s who you are. If those around you see it, will they turn away?”

I don’t want to answer that question. Instead, I whisper, “What do I want?” The question isn’t really for him. I just needed it out there, free and raw and real.

“More,” he answers, staring up at the sky again. “The question is if you’ll give him the chance to give it to you.”

I shake my head. “I’ve tried. He doesn’t understand, and I don’t know that I want him to. He’s too… kind.”

“Is that the life you wish? Being half of yourself?” he asks.

I look down at my thighs, digging my fingers into them. “I love Connor.”

“You can love someone, and they can still not be the right person for you.”

I scowl at him. “He is the right person for me. He isn’t the problem. I am the problem.”

His energy bristles, making my skin prickle. “Why do you see yourself as the problem? Because you want something more? That you have the power to get it?”

“I don’t want more. I don’t want to feel like this. I’d do anything to be happy and content,” I say, shaking my head.

“But you’re not,” he growls, and I can feel his frustration building.

I shake my head again. “No, I am. I just?—”

“You need more. It’ll never be enough.” His voice is almost a snarl.

My stomach twists, and I curl my hands in my sleeves. “I should have known I couldn’t discuss this with you,” I say, standing up.

He stands, his avatar humming with agitation. “How long do you think this lie of yours can last? A year? Ten? How long will you pretend this is the life you crave? How long will you deny the part of you that screams in the dark, that wonders and craves?”

I shake my head, backing up. “You don’t know me. I was wrong. You know nothing about me. I love Connor. I want Connor.”

“Then why are you here talking to me?” he mocks cruelly.

I feel a tear sliding down my cheek as I watch him. “Because I thought you understood. But I was wrong.”

“I do understand. That’s why I know this lie will only carry you so far.”

I shake my head. “You’re wrong.” I turn my back on him and go back inside, firmly but quietly closing the door behind me. The wood rattles violently as he vanishes, his angry power buckling the air on the porch.

Tears trail down my cheeks as I kick off my boots and haul myself back up to Connor’s room. He’s barely moved since I left him, but he has pulled my pillow closer and buried his face into it. I sob silently and climb into bed with him, staring at his perfect, wonderful face. I brush a lock of hair off his forehead.

I will be good enough for you, Connor. You are enough for me. You are perfect, and I love you.

I sob quietly, and Connor pulls me into him almost instinctively. I close my eyes, crying myself into unconsciousness.