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77

Summer

T he library is still mostly empty this early in the morning, and Connor wraps his arms around me from behind as we wander through the stacks. He nuzzles and kisses my cheek, his lips soft and warm.

“Con…”

He nips along my jaw. “Hm?”

“We’re here on business.”

He sighs and pulls back. “Right. I forgot.”

I grin and shake my head as we walk deeper into the library to our usual aisle.

Connor pulls a book from the shelf as I look around. “You know, I don’t think I’ve ever actually looked at the books back here.”

“That’s because you’re usually too busy burying yourself inside me.” I kneel on the floor, peeking under the shelves where I’ve lost more than a few pairs of panties.

Connor leans against the shelf, watching me. “Don’t make it sound like I was trying to jump you.”

I laugh as I summon my small knife and slice the pad of my finger. I draw a rune to locate lost items on the strangely pristine floor. Unlike other parts of the library, the wood is not worn or scuffed here.

As I’m about to connect the lines of the rune, it begins to glow. The rune flashes, and a small portal opens. I grin and am about to reach into it when the floor starts to shake. The books tumble from the shelves, falling all around us.

I look up at Connor. He is standing over me now, keeping the heavy books from hitting me on the head. The ground stops shaking, but the edges of the portal, still showing the perfect shape of the rune, burst into flames. I throw myself to the side to avoid the blast, instinctively covering my head and face. Connor is thrown across the aisle from the force, his back crashing against the bookshelf.

My chest heaves, and I peek from beneath my arm. Books are strewn all around me, shreds of paper floating through the air like confetti. I can still feel the flicker of power coming from the rune. The tie between us is still there but sharper.

Connor gets to his feet, his nervous gaze on me. I nod, letting him know I’m okay, and shift onto my knees, slowly moving toward the rune. Embers flicker around the edges, but the fire is slowly burning out. I frown and tilt my head. The rune is different now. It is not the rune I drew, not even close. As the flames die completely, the scorch mark stands out against the rich wood. Connor approaches cautiously, looking down at the new rune.

“Looks like a shield,” he says.

I nod, brushing my fingers over it, tracing the dark lines. It has the curves and points a shield rune would have, but it’s different. It’s not like anything I’ve ever seen before. It’s… magnificent.

“Can you grab my phone?” I ask Connor. He hurries off to find my bag, which was also thrown from the aisle. The second he’s out of sight, a message appears along the border of the rune.

Not wise to try to steal from me.

The second I reach the end of the sentence, the words fade, and by the time Connor has returned, they are completely gone.

I snap a photo of the rune before pushing to my feet. I slice my finger again and slide the bleeding pad over one of the runes on my hand. With a wave of my arm, the books and shredded pages lift into the air, repairing themselves and sliding back onto the shelf.

But the rune remains.

“This is kind of weird,” Connor says, still studying the rune.

I nod, looking up at him. “Someone has my panties.” I look around, expecting to see someone watching me. I wait for the weight of that malevolent gaze to settle on me, but I don’t feel it. “It is probably best if we are more careful where we have sex for a while.”

“I don’t like this, Sum,” Connor says, his brows drawn.

I look up at him, cupping his cheek. “It’ll be okay.”

Connor looks around, and his shoulders tighten. “Just stay close to me.”

“Con…”

Connor keeps looking around. “Hm?”

I sigh. “Nothing.”

Content that there is no imminent danger, he looks back at me and brushes his lips over mine. “Your place or mine?”

I shrug. “Either.”

“Yours then.”

We head back to my dorm, and Connor slides his hand into mine

“You know, I was actually planning to work out with you when I went to the gym to find you this morning.”

I smile up at him. “Oh?”

He looks down, his cheeks going a little pink. “I thought it would be cute.”

“We could go now?”

Connor shakes his head. “No. I would prefer to have you all to myself.” We walk in silence for a while before Connor squeezes my hand. “You know, one day, you’re going to have to wake me up before leaving.”

I tilt my head. “Why? You were sleeping so peacefully.”

“Because I want to wake up with you in my arms.”

I smile at him. “Okay, next time, I’ll wake you up.”

“Creatively?” Connor’s eyes darken hopefully.

I stop walking and turn to face him, sliding my hands up his chest and leaning into him. “You want me to wake you up with my mouth?”

Connor snakes his arms around my hips and pulls me closer, rocking against me. “Well, I wouldn’t object to a repeat.”

“You liked it, huh?”

“Maybe a little…” Connor smiles coyly.

“Only a little?” I lean in, biting his shoulder.

Connor moans. “Okay, definitely more than a little. Fuck, how are we going to get through finals?”

“What do you mean?” I ask, looking up at him.

Connor slides his hands down to my ass, cupping me. “Well, we won’t be able to be as… active.”

I drop my gaze, petting tenderly over his chest. The thought of that kind of distance between us scares me more than a little. I’m not good at emotional stuff, and that’s a little easier to hide when I’m able to distract with my body. Also, is this his way of saying he doesn’t want me?

“We won’t?” I ask, peeking up at him.

“Well, we’ll be studying,” Connor says, his cheeks a little flushed.

“Oh. Right…”

“What?”

I shake my head. “Nothing, I just wasn’t expecting that.”

Connor’s hands slide to my lower back. “I don’t have the…” he clears his throat, “natural ability you do.”

What the fuck does that mean?

Connor moves one of his hands to rub the back of his neck, dropping his other hand from my waist. “I have to really study to do well.”

Ah.

I place my hand on his arm. “Con, I get it. I just hadn’t thought about it.”

Connor’s lips pull into a small, shy smile. “You’re a natural genius. I need to work on it.”

“Hardly, big guy,” I say, rolling my eyes.

Connor scoffs. “Yeah? What did you get on your last paper?”

“I…” I consider the big, red A stamped on my last term paper for Realms and decide not to give him the satisfaction. “Well, I don’t remember.”

“Liar.” Connor laughs. “It was an A . I remember you showing me last week. And how long did that paper take you to write?”

I cross my arms and tap my foot. “Well. I don’t know. I didn’t fucking time myself.”

Connor smirks at me. “You see what I mean?”

Irritation prickles beneath my skin. It’s like he’s putting all the blame on me for us being a distraction.

“Whatever, it’s not like I force you to fuck me,” I growl. The second the words leave my lips, guilt sinks its claws into me, but there is also a delicious relief of the safety I feel from the barrier that sentence has created.

Connor recoils as if I struck him. “I’m sorry? The fuck does that mean?”

“You make it sound like some sordid ordeal that I force you to go through.” What is coming out of my mouth? Fuck.

“What? You’re not serious?” Connor asks, his face a blend of confusion, hurt, and anger.

I glare at him, mired in my stubbornness and my own hurt, my self-made hurt.

“How in the world is saying you’re naturally intelligent and don’t have to study as much as me, make it sound like that?” Connor asks, bewildered.

“It just did, Con,” I say, throwing my hands up. The words taste like venom on my tongue, but I can’t deny the second wave of comfort they bring. The familiar sense of safety wraps around me like a blanket.

The pain and confusion in Connor’s eyes morph into anger, and he shakes his head. “Okay, cool. I’m going home.”

He’s leaving. He’s abandoning me. Just like I knew he would. I want to scream, shake myself, and cause myself pain. While this pain is familiar, there is no easing the emotional agony of him walking away from me. Now that I have had a taste of what it means to be connected to someone, I don’t know who I am without it.

“Fine.” I look away and wrap my arms tightly around my torso. I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the chest, but I am so acutely aware that I am the aggressor.

“Saying it’s a sordid ordeal is pretty fucked up,” Connor says, turning to leave.

A war rages within me. Half of me is clawing to reach out to him, to apologize and hold him. That part wants me to cling to him and force him never to let me go. But the other half, the familiar half, croons a melancholy tune. The song of loneliness, but more importantly, the song of safety. There is solace in being the only person who can break your own heart.

I stand there until he is out of sight. My two halves are still waging an inner war, battling so fiercely that I am stuck in this emotional limbo. I force my feet to move, not in the direction Connor went but toward the gym. I need to work this off, pushing myself until I can find my equilibrium again.

Max says something to me as I walk by, but I head straight to the treadmill and climb on, setting it to the fastest speed. My body groans at the rude shove into movement, but I embrace it, waiting for the fog of feeling to lift.

My head spins with his words, my words, and the look of hurt on his face. Then there are the words Alice said to me. None of them were lies but such hideous truths.

Failure. I’m a failure. I have loved two people in my life, and I’ve hurt them both with my inability to love. I should have known I was incapable and never opened myself up to it. Now, not only do I have to remember how to live without love, but I’ll also have to live with the guilt of scarring these two people with my sharp edges.

A tear slides down my cheek. Fuck, is this going to happen all the time now? I miss when I never used to cry. I miss when I never used to feel.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Max running on the treadmill beside me. I’ve never seen him run before, but he’s keeping pace beside me. I continue to push myself, feeling another tear fall. My lungs burn, and it’s not until I feel like my legs are going to give out that I stop. I slam my hand down on the button, and when the belt stops, I bend, bracing my hands on my thighs as I try to catch my breath.

Max steps off his treadmill and walks over to me, holding out a bottle of water. I take a deep drink, gulping down oxygen and water. Max wipes his face off on a towel. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this sweaty. Clearly, he’s not run that fast or that much for a while. I hand him his water back.

Max takes a long drink. “No golden boy?”

“No,” I say, looking away, but I can still feel Max’s eyes on me. “He can do better.” It’s funny how certain truths slip out to certain people. Like instinctively, my brain knows who can handle which fucked up parts of me.

Max snorts. “Yeah, I don’t think he’d agree. Though, what do I know? I never thought the great Connor Morningstar could experience such a mundane emotion like jealousy.”

I ignore him and walk to the water fountain, filling one of the plastic cups.

Max follows me. “You really want him with someone else?”

I look down, staring at my reflection on the surface of the water. “I want him to be happy.”

“And he’s not now?” Max asks, crossing his arms over his chest.

“How could he be?” I feel another tear slide down my cheek. Fuck. I don’t want to cry in front of Max again. I don’t want to cry again at all.

Max rolls his eyes. “You’ve got to be blind. The guy is fucking insufferable since you started dating. He was always a pain in my ass, but now he’s like… so much worse.” Max walks to a machine to wipe it down. “As if he didn’t have enough going for him before you got here.”

“It doesn’t matter. I ruined it,” I say, sitting on one of the benches.

Max turns to face me, leaning against the scary-looking cardio machine. “What did you do?”

I shrug. “I did what I always do and fucked it up.”

“Then fix it,” Max says simply.

I sigh heavily and take a sip of water. “He deserves someone who doesn’t fuck it up.”

Max quirks an eyebrow. “In the two and a half years I’ve known him, he’s never had a girlfriend. Not until you. He didn’t seem to care. Sounds like he wants you.”

“I’m not worth it, Max,” I say, another cursed tear burning its way down my cheek.

Max shakes his head. “That’s not for you to decide.”

“I should go talk to him.”

“Probably,” Max agrees.

“Thanks, Max,” I say. He may be the biggest asshole in the realms, but I appreciate the relatively safe space Max has made for me here. It’s different from the stranger. I would never discuss my darkness with Max, but I am confident I will receive the truth from him, no matter how ugly.

I sigh heavily and push to my feet, wiping the sweat and tears from my face. I leave the gym and head straight to the Morningstar House. I try to keep my mind clear the whole walk, knowing that if I give it enough thought, I’ll chicken out. I don’t want to be this person. I don’t want to be the hurtful one, and I desperately want to be able to feel something other than pain and loneliness.

Zane answers the door after one knock. “Oh, hey, Summer. He’s upstairs.”

I nod, squeezing Zane’s arm as I pass him and head up to Connor’s room. My heart squeezes again when I see his name etched on the door. I knock but open the door before he answers.

The window is wide open, and the room is freezing. Connor is propped on the windowsill, looking at the garden and the treeline behind the house. He was in the same spot when I came here to give him my phone number, but I’m even more at fault this time. This time, my own feelings are involved, and it’s messier, more complicated, but also somehow easier.

I close the door behind me, pressing my back against it. “So I’m the worst girlfriend,” I say, unsure how to fix this.

Connor continues staring out the window. When he doesn’t reply, I walk over to him, stopping just within arm’s reach of him. “I’m bad at being loved, and I don’t know how to do it.” Bitterness floods my mouth, tasting the truth of my words. “I’ve never been loved before.” Not truly. Not completely. “And so, sometimes my brain kind of trips out, and… instead of being open and honest, I build protective walls.” I look out the window. “Protective walls with hurtful words.”

Connor leans his head back against the windowsill, still not looking at me. “Lonely way to live.”

“I was alone for the first twenty-seven years of my life.”

“Feels like you want to make it twenty-eight,” Connor replies, and I fight to keep from flinching. His words are harsh but fair.

“Right.” I swallow, my eyes stinging. “Well, I came to apologize. So, I’m sorry about earlier. I want to be better for you, but…” I pause, trying to center myself. “But also for me.”

Connor turns his head, finally looking at me. The hurt in his eyes makes me want to fall to my knees. “For you?”

I nod, forcing myself to hold his gaze even though his pain is making me want to die. “I… need to fix it.”

“How?”

“Time.” I sigh. “And a lot of work.” I pause for a long moment. “You said before that school comes easy for me. Well, being someone’s family comes easy for you, and it’s something I struggle with. But it’s something I want to be good at.”

Connor watches me carefully. “So what do you need from me?” he asks.

Another pesky tear escapes, the warmth of it trickling down my cheek. “Don’t give up on me yet.” I hate having to ask this of him as if he’s not already been the most patient male in the realms. I have already asked so much of him. It is selfish, cruel, and unfair.

Connor’s face softens, and once again, he completely surprises me by opening his arms. At what point will I stop being surprised by this perfect guy? He deserves so much more, but I move into his arms, burying my face against his neck.

“I love you, Connor.”

Connor wraps his arms around me, holding me tightly. “You really hurt me today.” His honesty cuts through me like a knife, his pain a living thing between us. I begin to cry.

Connor releases a breath as if he, too, knows how huge a deal this is. He tunnels his fingers into my hair, holding my face against his neck. “I love you, babe. I hate that you took my confession of a weakness and used it as a weapon against me.”

I shake my head. “It’s not a weakness, Con, and I am sorry. It wasn’t about that. I was lost in my own stupid, hideous insecurities.”

Connor kisses the top of my head. “I know it’s hard for you to open up.”

I pull back to look into his eyes, needing to see him. “I’m so sorry, big guy.”

“Just give me a moment to understand next time,” Connor says, brushing his thumb over my cheek and wiping the tears away.

I nod, and Connor leans in to press his lips over mine.

“I hate fighting with you,” I say, running my fingers through his hair.

“Fuck, me too. And I’m sorry I won’t be able to feed my succubus as much for the next couple of weeks. I don’t like it either,” he says, burying his face into my neck and inhaling deeply.

“It doesn’t matter,” I say, shaking my head.

Connor pulls back, cupping my cheek. “It does.”

“Your happiness is all that matters, big guy.”

“Babe.” Connor tilts my head up a little. “I want to. So badly. That’s why I know I can’t during finals. You’re like… an addiction.”

My cheeks heat, but I also feel a deep loss, already missing him. I wish I weren’t so broken. “I’ll still see you, right?”

Connor blinks, looking horrified. “Of course you will, babe! I’ll just have to spend more time studying.”

I nod. “Maybe I can help!” I offer, but my brows draw. “Though I won’t know a lot of your senior stuff, I can definitely help with your runes!”

Connor’s lips pull into a bright smile, and his despair melts away. He leans in, smothering my face in kisses. I laugh through my drying tears and close my eyes, enjoying every second of this affection.

With one last kiss on my nose, Connor pulls back and says, “Although,” I open my eyes, “probably no sleepovers until finals are over. That okay?”

I feel my face fall. “Right. Of course.” I hate the sadness that cloaks me.

Connor chuckles, satisfaction sparking in his eyes. “There was a time you didn’t want me to sleep over.”

I know he is trying to cheer me up. Instead, guilt encroaches, and I wince. “Right.”

“It’s only for a couple of weeks, and then you won’t be able to get rid of me, okay?”

“Promise?”

Connor leans in, kissing me again. “I promise, babe.”