Page 45 of Beautiful Trauma (The Irish Rogues #5)

I n the shower, I sobbed into a towel so Kellan wouldn’t hear me.

I don’t know why I bothered. He knew me as well as I knew myself.

I could almost picture him pacing outside the door.

Instead of lying down and taking care of himself, he would be trying to think of what he could do to help me. That was just the man he was.

The truth was, there was nothing he could do.

As much as I was a realist, I don’t know how I’d allowed myself to be so naive. Like I could just jump from one world to the other without any issues. Everywhere I turned was a harsh reminder of what I’d lost.

After I finished in the shower, I dried my hair. Leo’s wife, Drea, had set me up with a new set of makeup and toiletries. As I stared into the mirror, a beautiful, put-together woman appeared in the reflection. But it was far from the truth.

When I came out of the bathroom in my robe, Kellan was reclined in the bed on his side. Not only was he lying down, but he had the covers pulled up over him. “What are you doing?”

He pulled his gaze from the television to me. “I started feeling kinda weak, so I decided to lie down.”

“What about dinner?”

“I’m just going to eat dinner in here. I don’t think I’m up to all the family madness tonight.”

I narrowed my eyes. “Bullshit.”

His brows popped wide. “Excuse me?”

“You’re not going downstairs, so I won’t have to.”

Kellan shook his head. “You’re welcome to go down. I just want to rest.”

I crossed my arms over my chest. “What about Maeve? She’s come from New York just to see you.”

“And she’ll be here tomorrow.”

Tsking, I eased down on the mattress beside him. “How are you a deceitful mafia man when you’re the worst at lying?”

He chuckled. “If I remember correctly, my poker face was enough to snow you before.”

“I wasn’t at my best then,” I challenged.

“You’re still a sore loser, I see.”

“And you’re still an ass,” I muttered before stretching out beside him.

Kellan buried his face in my hair. “Mm, you smell good.”

“Thanks.”

As he spooned up behind me, he nuzzled my ear. “We’re in bed together.”

“So?”

“We’ve yet to have sex in a bed.”

“What do you call what we did on the jet?”

“That doesn’t count.”

I laughed. “Why not?”

“Because only my tongue was inside you.”

With a roll of my eyes, I countered, “Getting hurt has done nothing to damper your raging libido.”

“I think it’s something about a near-death experience,” he mused.

I grinned at him. “I’ll never forget when Dima said I didn’t have to fear you coming on to me because you were the alleged gentleman of the family.”

“I’m still a gentleman.”

“I might argue with that.”

“Let me prove it to you.”

“How?”

“By making love to you.”

The breath wheezed from my lungs at the reference to love. That word we hadn’t managed to say to each other yet. “Isn’t that what we’ve been doing?”

Kellan shook his head. “We’ve fucked or had sex. It wasn’t making love.”

“I didn’t know there was a difference,” I whispered.

As Kellan’s warm lips trailed up my neck, he said, “Let me show you.”

“What if I hurt you? You know if I grab your back or something.”

“I need a way to restrain you.”

His eyes trailed down me to the sash on my robe. Reaching forward, he undid the material. After sliding it through the belt loops, he held it up to me.

“That seems a little kinky for making love.”

“Trust me.”

“Always,” I murmured.

“Raise your arms over your head.”

With my heartbeat thrumming wildly, I followed his orders. Leaning over me, Kellan brought my wrists together before tying them. He gazed down at me. “That’s not too tight, is it?”

“It’s fine,” I murmured.

“Good.”

He pushed aside the lapels of my robe and stared down at my body with such reverence. Kellan then straddled my hips and rose up on his knees.

The look in his eyes made me weak. It was everything a woman would ever want to see reflected in her lover’s eyes. Warmth rushed over my body under his gaze.

“I want to worship every inch of this gorgeous body.”

“Take me,” I pleaded.

Leaning forward slightly, Kellan brought his hands to my tied wrists. Slowly, he skirted his fingers down my skin, sending goosebumps popping along my arms. “You’re so soft,” he murmured.

When his hands reached my shoulders, he buried his head against my chest. He then dusted my neck with tender kisses. Although he hadn’t done anything erotic to me, wetness began to pool between my legs.

Pulling his head up, Kellan’s fingertips slid up my sides before placing his palms on my ribs. He feathered his fingers along the undersides of my breasts before brushing my nipples with his thumbs. “So responsive.”

“Always for you,” I panted.

Instead of pinching or twisting my nipples like he usually did, he continued gently circling them with his thumbs, which drove me insane.

With his eyes locked on mine, he dipped his head. He blew a gentle stream of air against my breasts, causing my nipples to achingly peak.

Before I could beg him to give me more, he bestowed kisses along the tops of my breasts. Then he sucked my nipple deep into his mouth. “Mmm, Kellan,” I moaned as my legs scissored beneath him.

As his other hand cupped and massaged my other breast, he kept teasing and sucking my nipple. I threw my head back as I arched into him. “Please. I need you inside me.”

With a nod, Kellan rose off of me to ease his sweatpants down his legs. He wasn’t wearing any underwear, so his erection bobbed free. When he started back onto the bed, I opened my legs wantonly for him.

After he settled himself between them, he rubbed his erection against my wet slit, causing both of us to hiss. With his eyes staring intently into mine, he positioned himself at my opening.

Once he buried himself balls deep, the genuine smile that curved on his lips sent my heartbeat thrumming wildly. A myriad of emotions swirled in his baby blues. “I love you, Mila.”

When I sucked in a breath, he shook his head. “You don’t have to say it now.”

“But I want to.”

“You do?”

Tears pooled in my eyes. “God, yes. I love you so much, Kellan. I think I have since the first night I met you.”

“I feel the same way.”

As he slowly eased out of me, he asked, “What do you love about me?”

I gasped as he rocked back inside me. “Your pierced cock for one.”

He nipped at my throat as he continued thrusting his cock gently into me. “That’s not very romantic.”

With a laugh, I replied, “I’m sorry. I was inspired by your hip action.”

“Do you want to know what I love about you?”

“Yes,” I panted against his hair.

“I love the sounds you make when I’m giving you pleasure.”

Raising my hips in time with his thrust, I rasped, “I love how you give me pleasure.”

Kellan brought his lips to mine in a tender kiss. As his tongue rolled with mine, he kept a languid rhythm. I’d never had a man be so gentle or so tender when he was inside me. They hadn’t stared into my eyes. They hadn’t wanted to show me that sex could be so much more with emotions.

They hadn’t truly wanted me.

They’d only wanted the idea of me. My face. My breasts. My body.

Despite knowing all my imperfections, Kellan wanted all of me. He wanted the grief and the trauma and the insecurities.

And I wanted all of him.

Reaching between us, Kellan rubbed lazy eights over my clit. With a shuddering moan, my walls began to flutter with my orgasm. I cried out, arching my hips off the bed. “I love you, I love you, I love you,” I repeated.

As I rode out my pleasure, Kellan kissed the top of my forehead, then both of my cheeks, and then the tip of my nose. It was so sweet and so tender.

And then his hips began to buck more furiously as he sought his release. With a groan, he tensed as he spilled himself inside me. Like he had for me, I kissed his forehead and his cheeks and the tip of his nose.

When he finished, he gave me a quick kiss before reaching up to undo my hands. Once they were free, he rubbed them, along with my upper arms, gently to get the blood flowing back.

We didn’t speak. Everything seemed to be said with our actions and our eyes. After Kellan rolled me on my side, he spooned up beside me. “I love you, Mila,” he whispered in my ear.

A sigh of contentment poured from my lips. “I love you, too.”

It wasn’t long before Kellan’s breathing became labored.

I knew the exertion, coupled with his pain meds, had knocked him out.

As I lay there feeling ridiculously blessed to be loved by this man, the shadows crept in from the corners.

They soon overcame me, and my thoughts were turned to wishing I could tell Kira about making love for the first time.

At the thought of her, an ache burned its way through my chest. It was so intense I struggled to breathe. The only way to rid myself of it was to purge the pain, and the only way I could do that was through crying.

And while Kellan slept contentedly, I silently sobbed until there were no more tears to shed.