Page 23 of Beautiful Trauma (The Irish Rogues #5)

A s I peered over my hand of cards at Mila, I gave her my best poker face. “I’m going to raise my bet by twenty.” Since we lacked any poker chips, I pushed forward four pretzel sticks to represent my bet.

Mila flicked her gaze from the sticks to me. “I think you’re bluffing.”

With a shrug, I said, “I guess you’ll just have to see.”

It was close to one in the morning, and Mila and I had been playing poker since a little before eleven. The cable in the room was shoddy at best, so we finally gave up trying to watch anything on it.

Surprisingly enough when I’d called down to the front desk, they’d had a pack of cards.

After Mia chose another card, the slight tick in her jaw told me everything I needed to know. She organized a few before placing them on the table. With a sweet smile, she said, “Four of a Kind.”

As I eyed the four sixes, I whistled. “Now that is a hand.”

Mila grinned.

“Yes, it is.”

When she reached for the pile of pretzels, I tsked at her. “Now wait a minute. Who says you get the pot?”

“Four of a kind can only be beaten by a straight or royal flush,” she replied matter-of-factly.

“Like this?” I asked as I spread out my royal flush

As her eyes took in my hand, her face flushed red. “Cheater!” Mila cried as she tossed her remaining cards onto the table in a huff.

With a chuckle, I replied, “I did not cheat.”

“Yes, you did. There’s no way you had such a good hand just by accident.”

“You are a sore loser, Ms. Korolova,” I teased.

“I am not!” she protested, her ice blue eyes popping wide.

“You’re also very argumentative when you don’t get your way,” I mused.

Scowling, she countered, “Well, we can’t all be perfect like you.”

I threw back my head with a laugh. “Since you’re bringing out the insults, I think that’s enough cards.”

Mila swept her hand to her ample chest. “I’m the one bringing insults? Youcalled me an argumentative, sore loser.”

The fire that swirled in her eyes sent heat rocketing to my dick. When it twitched in my boxers, I hated myself for thinking of her that way considering all she’d been through.

After shifting in my chair, I looked away from Mila and tried to push the blood back above my waist and out of my cock.

The sound of Mila’s chair clattering to the floor caused me to jerk my gaze back to hers. The next thing I knew, she was clambering into my lap. “What are you doing?”

As she ground her core against me, she pleaded, “Make me forget.”

“What?”

“Make me forget what their hands felt like on my body.”

I furiously shook my head back and forth. “I won’t.”

“Please, Kellan.”

“Mila, you were just attacked.”

Her blue eyes turned stormy. “Trust me, I’m well aware of what happened.”

Wincing, I replied, “I’m sorry. It’s just considering your frame of mind, I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“What do you know about my frame of mind?”

“I know how my sister felt, and I see the same signs in you as I did her.”

“But it didn’t get as far with me as it did with her.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“I need to know if you want me as much as you did Mya.”

“You’ve said yourself that you’re one in the same.”

A single tear slid down her cheek. “Mya wasn’t tainted.”

“And neither are you.”

“But I am.”

As I stared at the intensity burning in her eyes, I knew she was right. “You’re right. You are.” When Mila’s mouth dropped wide at my declaration, I added, “At least in your mind you are.”

“What do you mean?”

With a groan, I jerked my hand through my hair. Was I really going to do this with her? I barely knew her, yet I was about to unburden a dark secret of mine.

But I had to be willing to try anything to help Mila.

“Although I’ve shared this with two other women, it never gets easier.”

Mila leaned forward on my lap. “What happened?”

“After my sister’s attack, I felt tainted. Even though I had been spared physically, I’d been emotionally fucked.” I sucked in a ragged breath. “Because of those feelings, I couldn’t sleep with a woman.”

She furrowed her brows at me. “You had no desire?”

With a mirthless laugh, I replied, “Oh no, I had the desire. I just couldn’t… physically do it.”

“Oh,” she murmured.

“Since I still woke up with morning wood, I knew it wasn’t a physical issue, but a psychological one.”

Disgust at what I’d been forced to be part of churned through me. “Every time I tried to be with a woman, I’d be right there in that vault having a part in Maeve’s desecration.”

Mila grabbed my face in her hands. “But that wasn’t your fault. You were forced to do that.”

“Sometimes I think…” My voice choked off as I fought not to cry in front of her. I’d already been made to feel emasculated enough because of what I’d been through.

Swallowing hard, I said, “Even after all this time, I still feel like I let her down. That I should’ve sacrificed myself to show her how much I was against what was being done to her.”

Tears pooled in Mila’s eyes. “Oh Kellan, no,” she murmured.

“I know. I just can’t help how I feel.”

“The anguish your sister would’ve experienced at your death would have been overwhelming. She needed you then, and she needs you now. Just like your brothers do.” After exhaling a ragged breath, she said, “Just like I do.”

My heart began to pound wildly in my chest. “Do you still need me, Mila?”

“Of course I do. I can’t stay stuck in this hellhole the rest of my life,” she teased.

With a growl, I countered, “This is serious.”

She gave me a remorseful sigh. “I know. I’m just not good with feelings.”

“I am. I can be good with them for both of us.”

“Is there an us?” she questioned softly.

“I’d like to try.” Cocking my brows at her, I asked, “Do you?”

“I do…but it just seems impossible.”

“Because of our families?”

She nodded. “Even if Father refuses, I know Dima won’t allow what Brian did to go unpunished. That could start a war with the Byrnes, which would trickle down to your family.”

“After what Brian did, he’s dead to our family. I can assure you of that.”

“Even if you leave yesterday out of it, do you honestly think your family could accept me after what I did to you?”

I shrugged. “If I tell them to, they will.”

Crossing her arms over her chest, Mila countered, “That doesn’t sound like much of a guarantee.”

“At first, they might not be happy about me pursuing something with you, but they’ll come around.” At her continued apprehension, I said, “I swear.”

She rubbed her hand over her eyes and groaned. “Here I am worrying about your family when mine is going to be a tough sell, too.”

“Excuse me? My track record is squeaky clean compared to yours. I even saved you from assault and marriage to a psychopath,” I protested.

Mila snorted. “Ah, so you think just because you’re a hero, all will be forgiven?”

“It sure as hell should be.”

Shaking her head, she countered, “How quickly you forget that in my brothers’ eyes, you’re guilty by association.”

“Because of Brian?”

“Because of Dare.”

I winced. Of course, there was my eejit older brother who had started this whole mess in the first place by not just picking up a fucking phone and telling Danill he was pulling out of the marriage alliance. “I see where that might be a problem at first.”

“You’re ridiculously optimistic.”

“Maybe if I throw some money your father’s way,” I suggested.

“Once again, you’re too optimistic. My father would rather lose money if it enabled him to hold a grudge.”

With my frustration rising at all the opposition we faced, I snapped, “Well, if he wouldn’t even bother with your rescue, why should he give a fuck who you date?”

The moment the words left my lips, I cringed. At the look of hurt in Mila’s eyes, I hung my head. “I’m sorry. That was a low blow.”

“Yes, it was.”

“I’m sorry.”

She shrugged. “It’s not like it’s untrue. And it’s not like he’s been rushing to arrange a marriage for me either.”

“I still shouldn’t have said it.”

Mila laughed. “It was kinda nice seeing the perfect Kellan make a mistake.”

“Excuse me?”

“Don’t deny it, Golden Boy.”

Rolling my eyes, I replied, “I adamantly deny being an alleged Golden Boy.”

“It’s not a bad thing.”

“Somehow in our world, I think it is,” I lamented.

With a vulnerable look, Mila said, “In my eyes, there’s nothing bad about you, Kellan.”

Just as I dipped my head to kiss her, my phone beeped with a text. With a frustrated grunt, I pulled away to reach for my phone.

“The jet will be here for us at seven.”

Mila groaned. “So early?”

I nodded. “We'd better get some sleep since we’ll have to be up around six to get a car and get to the airport.”

“I’m not even tired,” Mila protested with a yawn.

With a laugh, I replied, “Sure, you’re not.”

As she headed over to the bed, I hung back. Once she was comfortable under the covers, I grabbed the extra blanket I’d asked the front desk for. After spreading it out on the floor beside the bed, I started to lie down when Mila’s arm shot out to stop me.

“What are you doing?”

“After what you went through today, I shouldn’t sleep in bed with you.”

A slight scowl curved on her face. “I’m not going to attack you if that’s what you’re afraid of.”

“I know you won’t.”

“Then why won’t you sleep with me?”

“What if you wake up to find me beside you and it triggers a panic attack?”

She gave a slight shake of her head. “If I woke up without you, it would be far worse.”

As indecision swirled within me, I replied, “I just don’t want to do anything to hurt you.”

“You won’t,” she replied, as she tugged on my arm. When I remained unmoving, she whispered, “Please, Kellan. Hold me tonight and make me feel that no one can ever hurt me again as long as you’re around.”

After those words, I was incapable of telling her no. Nodding, I slipped into the bed. When I didn’t make a move towards her, Mila slid her body against mine. When her head nudged against my arm, I raised it, and she snuggled into my side with her head resting on my chest.

“Good night, Kellan,” she murmured drowsily.

“Good night, Mila,” I replied.