Page 20 of Beautiful Trauma (The Irish Rogues #5)

R ough hands skimmed over my body. They grabbed at my breasts and shoved between my legs. Pain radiated through me. A harsh voice whispered in my ear, “I’m going to fuck you until you bleed all over my cock!”

“No!” I screamed as I shot up in the bed. My body convulsed as I fought to breathe. I gulped down desperate breaths. At the feel of arms encasing me, I began thrashing against the arms around me.

Then a voice cut through my panic. “Easy, now. You’re okay. You’re safe.”

I froze. I knew that voice. Was he really here? Oh God, please let him be here.

The back of his hand rubbed against my cheek. “As long as I have a breath in me, no one will ever hurt you again.”

My eyes flew open. I was in a bedroom. As my eyelids fluttered to clear my vision, I realized it wasn’t a bedroom–it was a hotel room.

I realized then I was in Kellan’s arms in the bed.

But then the events with Brian ricocheted like gunfire through my mind. Bile shot into my throat, and I sprinted from the bed to the bathroom. I barely made it to the toilet before I vomited. Over and over again, I violently heaved.

When I finally finished, I collapsed onto the tile. Too weak to raise my head, I began to weep. Kellan’s feet came into my line of sight. After he squatted down beside me, he pressed a cool washcloth against my face. “I’m so sorry, a mhurnin .”

At him calling me darling again, I began to sob even harder. Oh God, how did it come to this? I’d been saved by the man who should’ve hated me. For what I had done to him, he had every right to leave me there.

He should have left me.

Because I deserved it for what I’d done to him.

Men like Kellan were so very rare, even more so in the underworld. Instead of appreciating what I’d been blessed to cross paths with, I’d trampled all over it. I’d thrown potential happiness away with both hands because I’d allowed my father to dictate my life.

Despite what I’d done to him, Kellan could somehow still show me compassion. More than that, he’d risked his life for me. And I didn’t deserve it.

I never would.

That thought broke my heart. With each tear, I hoped to purge myself of the pain. But it didn’t come.

After cleaning my face, Kellan picked me up off the floor and carried me back into the bedroom. He eased me onto the bed before wrapping the covers around me. As I continued to cry, he rubbed circles over my back.

I don’t know how long I lay like that before I was swept under the rough waves of trauma into a troubled sleep.

When I woke up again, I was alone in bed. At first, panic surged through me that Kellan had left. Relief flooded me at the sound of his hushed voice in the bathroom.

He hadn’t left me.

Slowly, I eased out of bed and tiptoed closer to the door, so I could hear what he was saying. It was then that I realized he had the person on speaker phone. At the sound of a woman’s voice, I stiffened.

“I don’t know how to help her, Maeve.”

When I realized he was talking to his sister, I relaxed. “There’s nothing you can do except be there for her just like you were for me.”

“But what happened to her is so different from what happened to you. Not to mention my feelings are so different.”

“You care for her very much, don’t you?”

“Even though I hate myself for it, I do.”

Agony rippled through my chest at his words. I hated that I'd put him in a position where he had to regret having feelings for me.

“You can’t help how you feel.”

“Every time I want to believe that, I remember how she betrayed me and our family.”

“So did Rafe and I, remember?”

“It’s not the same. Rafe didn’t want to honor a marriage contract because he loved you. He didn’t betray you to get information for his family.”

“He still betrayed his family and mine when he first refused to marry Drea.”

At Kellan’s ragged sigh, Maeve said, “Just follow your heart, Kellan. It’s never led you wrong. If you truly feel something for this girl, don’t discredit it.”

“Okay. I will.”

“I love you. And I’m here whenever you need me.”

“I love you, too.”

As he started to hang up, I flew back over to the bed. Instead of coming out of the bathroom, the shower turned on.

Despite having every reason to walk away, Kellan never would. The knight in shining armor within him would never allow that. For whatever reason, he’d trauma-bonded himself to me.

That feeling should’ve been a beacon of light in my dark world. But it wasn’t. Only regret and remorse swelled in my chest.

Now that I was a victim, he’d forget all the reasons he had to hate and resent me. At least for the moment. But they would lie dormant just beneath the surface. And just when we might have a future, they’d rise to the surface.

I couldn’t allow that. Even without the things I’d done to him, Kellan deserved better than me. I wasn’t just broken–I was ruined.

He deserved a woman with a heart that mirrored his own. An angel among women with a tender heart and sweet soul. Someone I would never be.

I knew what I had to do.

When the bathroom door opened, a cloud of steam enveloped Kellan as he stepped into the bedroom. I shut my eyes and pretended to be asleep. But a knock at the door sent me shooting up in bed. When my frantic gaze met Kellan’s, he put a finger to his lips.

With a nod, I watched as he grabbed his gun off the nightstand before heading to the door. Slowly, he peeled back the curtain on the window to peek at who was outside.

When his tense shoulders relaxed, I sighed in relief. “It’s the food delivery.”

After unlocking the door, he kept his gun at his side. “Thanks,” he said as he took three bags into his arms. Once the delivery guy left, Kellan closed and locked the door.

As I rubbed my hand over the tightness in my chest, I tracked Kellan’s movements. After depositing the bags on a decrepit-looking table in the corner of the room, he dug around inside. He produced a round container before coming towards the bed.

“I thought you might be hungry.”

Although I was starving, I turned my nose up at him. “I don’t want anything from you.

Surprise flashed in his blue eyes at my words and tone. A few agonizing seconds passed before he gave me an imploring look. “You need to eat.”

When I merely stared him down, he came around the side of the bed. “Since I imagined your throat might be hurting, I ordered you some soup.”

My heart fluttered wildly at his concern. But I quickly buried it. I couldn’t give in to my feelings. I couldn’t bear to bring Kellan further into the complicated mess that was my life. I needed him to hate me, so he could walk away.

When I gripped the bowl, a pleased expression came over Kellan’s face. But then I slammed my hand into it, sending an arch of scaling hot soup onto his abdomen and crotch.

“Fuck you and your pity soup!”

At Kellan’s sharp intake of breath, I braced myself for him to hit me. I willed him to do it. Hating him was so much easier than the feelings of gratitude and longing that filled my chest.

But to my surprise, he didn’t. Without another word to me, he began furiously unbuttoning his shirt as he power-walked into the bathroom. He didn’t even slam the door.

God, he was a saint.

And I was the devil who had tempted and destroyed him.

With that thought, I secured the sheet I was wearing tightly around me. Then I rose off the bed and stomped over to the bathroom. When I flung open the door, Kellan stood shirtless at the sink. Although I shouldn’t have, I winced at the angry red welts covering his skin from the soup.

But instead of offering sympathy, I went straight for the jugular. “I want you to leave.”

His reflection locked with mine in the mirror. “Excuse me?”

Throwing up my hands, I replied, “How plain do I have to make it? I don’t want to be around you.”

Slowly, he turned around to face me. “You know I can’t leave.”

With a roll of my eyes, I huffed, “You don’t have to worry that I’m going to hang myself with the bedsheets.”

“I can’t take a risk with your safety.”

“You honestly think your family is going to track us down here?”

“Considering I just kidnapped the woman my cousin planned to marry, I wouldn’t put anything past him. Not to mention how I denied him the punishment he wanted to give you. The Byrnes are a powerful family not only in Dublin, but throughout the republic.”

“Fine. Give me your phone, and I’ll call my father. He’ll send someone for me.”

Kellan stared down at the bathroom tile. “I’ve made him aware of the situation.”

His statement caused me to falter in my act of pushing him away. Furrowing my brows at Kellan, I said, “He knows what happened to me.”

“Yes.”

“All of it?”

Once again, he replied, “Yes.”

“So, what is he going to do? Send Dima with the jet?”

“While your brother suggested coming to get you, your father refused.”

I blinked at him in disbelief. “You’re lying.”

“Mila, I–”

Shaking my head, I replied, “You want to play hero and savior, so you’re lying. My father might hate me, but he wouldn’t abandon me after what Brian did.”

The pity that swelled in Kellan’s eyes caused me to step back. As the realization hit me, my heart shuddered to a stop. “He abandoned me,” I whispered.

When Kellan reached out for me, I slapped his hands away. “Don’t touch me,” I hissed.

“I’m sorry.”

I shoved him. “Don’t you fucking say that to me!”

Staring earnestly at me, Kellan reached out to cup my cheeks. “I’m so fucking sorry, Mila.”

Scratching my nails against his hands, I spat, “I hate you and your whole fucking family!”

“No, you don’t,” he said softly.

“So you’re going to tell me how I feel now?” I demanded.

“Deep down, you don’t hate me. Just like, despite you duping me, I could never, ever hate you.”

Pinching my eyes shut, I cried, “Stop it!”

“No. I can’t let you continue to cut yourself to the bone like this.”

But cutting myself was the only way to get the pain out. All that pain that clogged my mind and twisted my heart. “He abandoned me!” I screamed.