Page 15 of Beautiful Trauma (The Irish Rogues #5)
A s I shoved my hand more forcefully into an oven mitt than necessary, I tried ridding myself of the constant loop of thoughts about Kellan from my mind. Almost twenty-four hours had passed since my interaction with him, but he hadn’t been out of my mind for one agonizing second.
With a frustrated grunt, I jerked open the oven door. The meaty aroma of Pelani filled my nose. After pulling the baking dish from the oven, I set it down on the counter. The meat-filled dumplings had been one of my mother's favorite dishes. She cooked them at least once a week.
Since her murder, they’d been my comfort food. After moving in with Father and Faina, we had a cook. Her Pelani was nothing like my mother’s, so I’d started making it like my mother had taught me.
Even now after so many years, it was my go-to comfort food. After leaving the gallery, I’d gone straight to the market down the street for the ingredients.
I’d been on autopilot all through work. I’d originally debated about calling in, but then I knew I would drive myself crazy with nothing to do all day but beat myself up over Kellan.
At the knock at my door, I peered curiously at the security camera on the counter. When Dima stared back at me, I grimaced. Besides my father, he was the last person I wanted to see today. There had been radio silence between us all day.
With a sigh, I went over and unlocked the door. “Hey,” I said.
“Hey.”
Pulling the door back, I asked, “Want to come in?”
“Thanks.”
After Dima stepped through the door, I closed and locked it back. We stood in painful silence for a moment. “Did something go wrong with the Kavanaugh intel?” I asked.
I couldn’t bring myself to say Kellan’s name, least of all in front of Dima.
He shook his head. “Everything’s fine.”
“Oh, okay,” I replied.
Dima cleared his throat. “I just wanted to come by to apologize for last night.”
Surprise flooded me. “Really?”
Nodding, he said, “I was out of line.”
“Thanks.”
“And you’re right. If the opportunity had arisen for me to fuck a target with little risk, I would’ve taken it as I’m sure Aleks and Lev would.”
“I appreciate that.”
He gave me a small smile. “It was pure torture waiting for you during that radio silence.”
“Because you didn’t want to be thinking that your little sister was getting busy with our potential enemy?”
“There was that as well as worrying about if you were discovered, would I be able to get to you in time. I couldn’t bear the thought of you being hurt.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t think about it like that.”
Dima jerked his hand through his blond hair. Remorse flooded his expression. “It just seems like everything has changed between us since I got back.”
I didn’t want to argue that the only thing that had changed was that he didn’t hold the same disgust for Father and his world as he once had.
Like I did.
But I was afraid that if I vocalized it, I might lose even more of him.
Instead, I found a form of the truth. “You have more responsibility and more stress.” With a smile, I added, “That means less patience for my bullshit.”
Dima snorted. “You do have a gift for that.”
I bowed slightly. “Thank you.”
He grinned. “Always a smartass.”
“That, brother dearest, will never change.”
After sniffing the air appreciatively, he asked, “Is that Pelani?”
“Yes. It is.”
“ Your Pelani?”
I laughed. “Yeah. I had a craving, and no one makes it like I do.”
A shadow passed over Dima’s face. “Like Mama’s.”
“Right.”
The smothering weight of grief hung all around us. With my emotions already jangled about Kellan, I couldn’t bear anything else. “Can you stay for dinner?”
The darkness in Dima’s eyes faded. “If you don’t mind if I eat and run since I have a meeting at eight?”
I smiled. “That will be fine.”
As I started to go to the kitchen, Dima fell in step behind me. “You’ve done a lot with the place while I was gone.”
“Annika did it for me.”
While she was known more for doing the interior design for clubs, my older sister had offered her talents for my new apartment.
“Really?”
With a laugh, I asked, “Is that so surprising?”
He shrugged. “I just know you’re not a fan.”
I grabbed a bottle of wine out of the fridge. “Maturing is realizing she was never the problem. Father and Faina were.”
While I expected him not to respond, he surprised me by replying, “Yes, they were.”
In almost a whisper, I added, “They are .”
Switching to Russian, he said, “ Da .”
The moment was interrupted by Dima’s phone. When Dima glanced at his screen, he grimaced.
“Speak of the devil?” I teasingly asked.
“Unfortunately.”After bringing the phone to his ear, he said, “Yes, Father?
While my father rattled on, I went over to the cabinet to grab a plate for Dima. I’d started back over to the stove when Dima said, “Good. I’ll clear my schedule for tomorrow at two.”
When I cocked my brows at him, he mouthed, "Meeting’s set.”
I didn’t have to ask who the meeting was with. My stomach twisted at the reference to Kellan and his family. Although I should’ve felt pride that the mission and my intel had been a success. But I didn’t. A sickening regret was the only true emotion I felt.
When Dima sucked in a harsh breath, anxiety rippled through me. “Not Annika?” After a beat, he replied, “Yeah, I’m with her now.”
I gripped the plate in my hand tighter as Dima grimaced. “Is that necessary?”
Nausea twisted my stomach at my father referencing me. “No, I’m not questioning your authority. I just don’t feel she has anything to do with the matter anymore and doesn’t need to be there.”
Pinching my eyes shut, I shook my head. No. This couldn’t be happening. Father couldn’t possibly ask that of me. He’d already gotten what he wanted from me.
I knew when it came down to it, there was no way I could survive being in a room again with Kellan.
With a ragged breath, Dima replied, “All right. I’ll tell her.”
When I opened my eyes, remorse filled Dima’s. As my emotions overcame me, I slammed the plate to the ground, sending pieces shattering across the hardwood. “No!”
Instead of chiding me for going off the rails, he sighed. “I’m sorry.”
Shaking my head maniacally, I cried, “I’m not doing it!”
“Mila–”
“Fuck him and fuck you!”
“It’s just a meeting,” he tried reasoning.
“Which I have no business being at,” I challenged.
Dima sighed. “Father sees it differently. You’re a means for him to rub salt in their wound since you were able to outsmart them. You know how important appearances are to him.”
As I tried to regulate my emotions, I inhaled a harsh breath through my nose. “This isn’t about not wanting to do his bidding.”
“I know,” he murmured.
I cocked my brows at him. “You do?”
The corners of his lip quirked. “I know you almost as well as I know myself, zaika .”
“And?” I prompted.
“You feel bad for what you had to do to Kellan.” He shook his head. “But you shouldn’t.” When I started to argue, he replied, “You didn’t have a choice.”
“It’s still wrong.”
“So is everything in our world.”
I exhaled a ragged breath. “How do you live with yourself?”
With an apathetic shrug, he replied, “It’s just the way things are.”
“What would happen to me if I didn’t show up?”
“You will.”
“But what if I didn’t?”
“Don’t make me have to imagine the repercussions,” he replied in a strained voice.
And with those words, I knew I had no choice. And knowing Father, he wouldn’t give Dima a choice about punishing me.
“You don’t think he knows about Kellan and me, do you?”
“No. He doesn’t. Not unless the driver told him because I sure as hell didn’t. And neither would Aleks.”
Somehow that made me feel slightly better. I could endure being a part of the meeting if it was merely a means to goad my father’s ego and not about punishing me.
“Fine. I’ll do it.”
“I know,” Dima replied with a smile.
With a roll of my eyes, I said, “You just love being right, don’t you?”
“I do about this,” he replied with a knowing look.
“Of course you do when I don’t have a choice.”
He laughed. “Come on. I’m starved, and you owe me some Pelani.”
Although I’d somewhat lost my appetite with Father’s phone call, I knew once I sat with Dima it would come back. That was the beauty of my mother’s memory.
It always united us.