Page 11 of Beautiful Trauma (The Irish Rogues #5)

A s Kellan started into the bathroom to shower, I tried processing everything that had transpired between us. My emotions felt like I was on an out-of-control rollercoaster.

To say I was rattled by what I’d witnessed on the dance floor would be a hell of an understatement. Seeing Kellan’s ferocity was deeply unnerving. Whatever research Dima had done about Kellan was clearly wrong. He was just as brutal as the men in our world.

The only truth of his intel was that Kellan was protective when it came to women. That was evident in how he’d gone to bat for me. It also made more sense with what had happened with his mother and sister.

But Dima had underestimated how far Kellan would take that protectiveness and now Anton was paying the price.

I’d been so rattled that I’d needed time to pull myself and my fake persona back together. Considering my feelings, I hadn’t had to work hard to pretend I was passing out. I also wasn’t pretending to be scared of Kellan. His switch had flipped so quickly that it reminded me of the men in Bratva.

But then after the physical and emotional care he gave me in his office, I found myself more intrigued than repulsed. His actions spoke to my trauma. Besides Dima, no man had ever fought for me. Not in Bratva or out.

In those moments, I found myself attracted not just to him physically, but emotionally.

Just like he felt, I wanted to get to know him better, which considering my mission was sheer stupidity.

I mean, considering we had an expiration date that came when I jabbed a sedative in his neck, what was the point? ”

Despite all of the complications, I needed a little more time. At the end of the night if all I got out of him was physical intimacy, I would gladly take it. I was that starved for affection.

When I heard the water turn on in the bathroom, I said in a low voice, “Since you heard what I did about Dare’s girlfriend, are we still executing the full plan?”

“Absolutely. Father wants as much information as possible for when we confront him.”

“Okay, I’ll handle it from here. I’m going offline.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. You have your hands full with Anton.” Grimacing, I asked, “How’s he doing?”

“After we picked him off the street where they dumped him, I patched him up as best I could and gave him a shot of morphine for the pain. As soon as we get back to Philly, I’ll send him to clinic.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. Plans get fucked up.”

I winced. “Jesus, is that all he is? A fucked up plan?”

Dima grunted. “He’s Bratva, Mila. He knows the risks.”

“Whatever.”

“You just stick to your part of the plan.”

“I will.” At the thought of a naked Kellan in the shower, I said, “Maybe you should go on and fly Anton home. Then you could come back for me.”

“Leave you alone in enemy territory? Are you insane?”

As my illicit intentions continued swirling in my mind, I shook my head. “That isn’t necessary.”

“That’s not up for negotiation.”

I rolled my eyes at my overbearing brother being a major cockblocker. “Then get comfortable because I’m going to take my time.”

A pause came over the line. “Mila, what are you–”

I jerked the piece out of my ear and quickly deposited it into my purse. Rising to my feet, I decided to take a look at the equipment I needed to bug. At the moment, Kellan’s phone was with him in the bathroom, but I could acquaint myself with the computers.

I made a mental note of the laptop as well as a large PC on the desk. Thankfully, Dima had sent computer chips with me. If I hadn’t had romantic aspirations for the night, I would have already placed them before drugging Kellan as soon as he came out of the shower.

My attention swept from the desk over to the wall of floor to ceiling mahogany bookshelves.

There were large hardbound tomes of legal books as well as finance and public relations.

But there were also hardbound copies of the classics.

So few of the Bratva men I knew read anything outside the classic Russian authors like Dostoevsky and Tolstoy. If they did that.

As I gazed at the shelves, one thing that stood out to me was all the framed pictures. Before I got a closer look, I fully expected them to be moments of drunken debauchery with scantily dressed women. Pictures like the ones in my father’s study that Faina chose to ignore.

But they weren’t.

Instead, they were of brotherly love. Adoration for wives. And absolute devotion and pride for children.

It was not only unnerving, but it made me feel incredibly guilty about what I was doing to the Kavanaughs.

Just from their bookshelves, I could tell they were a different breed from my father and his brothers.

I had hope for my brothers to break the cycle of trauma.

That one day shelves in their offices would be filled with smiling wives and precious children.

When Kellan appeared in the doorway, my gaze flicked over to him. One glance at his white shirt untucked and wide open caused my mouth to run dry. While he looked impeccable in his clothes, nothing could’ve prepared me for his bare chest or six pack on display.

His brows furrowed. “Are you okay?”

Clearing my throat, I croaked, “Fine. Why?”

“You were so quiet. I was afraid you’d ditched me.”

I shook my head. “I don’t break my word.”

“I’m glad to hear that.”

Motioning to the shelves, I said, “I was just admiring your collections.”

He grinned as he buttoned his shirt. “Let me guess. Your stereotype of club owners didn’t include literature.”

A nervous giggle that felt completely foreign fluttered from my lips. “I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little bit surprised.” Wrinkling my nose, I replied, “The men in my family aren’t big readers.”

“One of the many wonderful things our mother impressed upon us was an appreciation for literature. I think in another life, she would’ve been an English teacher.”

Although I knew exactly what he meant, I cocked my brows. “Another life?”

Kellan shifted uncomfortably. “Oh, I just meant if she hadn’t gotten married so young and started a family.”

“How young was she?”

“Eighteen.”

“That is young. My sister is nineteen, and I can’t imagine her being married.”

“My baby brother is the same age, and I sure as hell can’t imagine it with him,” he remarked with a smile.

I motioned to the photographs. “Do all these children belong to your family?”

A genuine smile lit up Kellan’s face. “Yes, those are my nephews and niece.”

“They’re stunning each and every one of them.”

“I would have to agree with you.”

“Will you introduce them to me?”

“You really want to know?”

“Of course.”

“Okay.”

When he came over to join me, his heady scent sent a shudder through me. The heat radiating off his body singed the exposed skin on my arms.

“That’s Julianna–she’s four, and the twins, Declan and Donnovan, are eighteen months. They belong to my oldest brother, Callum.”

I tried to act like the reference to the leader of their clan meant nothing to me. That I hadn’t been briefed by Dima about each and every member of the Kavanaugh regime. I knew Callum’s arranged marriage with an Italian woman had turned into one of love.

Turning to the next frame, Kellan pointed to two grinning little boys, “Dario is three, and Matteo is almost a year old. They belong to my sister, Maeve.”

“Like Callum’s children, they look like they have a little Italian in them,” I mused.

Kellan laughed. “Good eye. Callum’s wife, Caterina, is Italian, and then Maeve went and fell in love with Caterina’s brother, Raphael.”

“So, double first cousins?”

Nodding, Kellan replied, “I’d say we like to keep it in the family, but that makes it sound incestuous.”

I laughed. “I would say so.”

He then pointed to a picture of a baby boy wearing an intricate christening gown. “And then this little guy is Rian–he’s my brother, Quinn’s son, and he’s just two months.”

“He’s precious.”

A shadow crossed Kellan’s face. “He’s got some big shoes to follow. He was named after one of our cousins who was more like our brother.”

Turning back to me, he forced the sadness from his face. “We just need to add one more photograph, and all of the children will be represented.

Curiosity flooded me. “Whose had another baby?”

Kellan chuckled. “That would be Dare, and actually, she was born three years ago.” At what must’ve been my genuine shock, he said, “He just recently found out he was a father.”

“That must’ve been a surprise,” I remarked, hoping he would give up more information.

“It was. Besides a teenage love, Ava is really the love of Dare’s life. Now that she’s back in his life, he’ll move mountains to be with her. Especially since he’s a father now.”

At that moment, I wished I hadn’t taken out my earpiece. This development was exactly what we were looking for. After his ex came back into town with his child, no wonder he had ghosted Annika and my father. From the sound of it, he wouldn’t be holding up his end of the contract.

“It sounds like true love.”

“It really is.” He shook his head with a grin. “It’s also kinda karmic retribution since Dare never wanted children. Now he’s got a daughter to pay for all his sins with women.”

“But he’s okay with having a child now?”

“Completely and totally enamored with her,” Kellan replied.

“Good for him.”

Although he nodded, his expression became intense. “One day my children will be on those shelves.”

“You want children?”

“A houseful.”

I rolled my eyes. “All men say that since they don’t have to actually raise them or birth them.”

“Not me. I plan on raising mine.”

Tilting my head at him, I countered, “While that’s wonderful, you’re still not the one having your vagina wrecked in birth.”

Kellan threw back his head with a laugh. “You’re right about that.” He quirked his brows. “What about you?”

“Do I want my vagina wrecked in childbirth?”

“There are other ways to wreck a vagina.”

I laughed. “At the moment, I far prefer the 'other' ways.” Glancing back at the photographs, I said, “But one day in the future, I could see trying out a less pleasurable wrecking of my vagina. Of course, I’m not sure I want to be married when I have kids.”

His brows shot up in surprise. “You don’t?”

“From most of the marriages I’ve seen, there isn’t a lot of love. I want there to be love with the man I choose to have children with.”

“I understand what you’re saying. Before Callum and Quinn got married, I wasn’t sure I believed there could be love within marriage. Or at least the kind of marriages in my family.” With a sheepish look, he said, “I can’t help but be envious that they have love and marriage.”

“That isn’t something to be ashamed about.”

“It is when I should only be concerned with who I’m going to be fucking for the night.”

I grinned. “Well, a night of fucking isn’t a bad thing either. Well, I guess I should say good fucking.”

Kellan laughed. “Yes, I’m a fan of good fucking.”

Tilting my head, I eyed him curiously. “What makes it good for you?”

I knew my question took him off guard when an adorable blush entered his cheeks. Reaching behind him, he scratched his neck. I hid my smile at the contrast of bravado from earlier in the evening.

To help him out, I said, “I’d say the number one thing for me is if I come.”

Kellan appeared thoughtful. “Since that’s a given for a man, I’m going to say it’s the sound of a woman’s cries and moans of pleasure.”

“So you like a vocal woman?”

He nodded. “The louder the better.”

“We’re alike because I like vocal partners.”

“What do you want them to do?”

“I want them to whimper when I’m sucking their cock or groan when they thrust deep inside me.”

I tracked the movements of Kellan’s throat as he swallowed hard. As Kellan stared at my lips, he replied, “I see.”

He appeared momentarily hypnotized before shaking his head several times. “Uh, why don’t I order us some takeout?”

Was he seriously thinking about food right now with the sexual energy pulsing around us? “Why?” I demanded.

“I thought you might be hungry.”

Oh, I was hungry all right. But not for food. Tilting my head, I asked, “Are you hungry?”

Something dark flashed in his eyes at my question. “I’m starving.”

I licked my lips. “So am I.”

The words had barely left my lips when Kellan launched himself at me. I gasped when he slammed his lips against mine.

I wrapped my arms around him, tangling my fingers in his blonde hair. Even molded against him, I didn’t feel close enough. I wanted more of him. His mouth. His tongue. His skin against mine.

Kellan’s hand came to my thigh before he lifted my leg and wrapped it around his hip.

At the contact of his erection against my core, we both moaned.

He gripped my ass in one of his hands as he thrust against me, knocking my back against the bookcase.

The frames rattled on the shelves with each hard thrust.

He tore his lips from mine before dipping his head to kiss a fiery trail down my neck. He nipped and sucked at my jugular. When he reached my collarbone, he slid his tongue along it, causing me to whimper.

Suddenly, Kellan jerked his head up and stilled his movements. As he stared intently into my eyes, he rasped, “Tell me you want this.”

As my chest rose and fell in harsh pants, I replied, “I want this.” After swallowing hard, I replied, “I want you . Very much.”

“So do I.” And then his lust-filled expression turned remorseful. “But I shouldn’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because of what happened to you tonight with Anthony.”

“Trust me. I’m not giving him a single thought right now.” I placed my hands on his face. “Hear me loud and clear when I say, I want you to fuck me more than anything in the world.”

He groaned. “Those words on your lips.”

With a grin, I said, “I’ve already got you groaning, and you’re not inside me.”

The sexy smirk that slunk along his lips sent a shiver over me. “I aim to please, ma’am.”

“Then let’s lose the clothes and start fucking.”

“My pleasure.”