Page 56 of As a Last Resort

SAMANTHA

My cursor hovered over the SUBMIT CHANGES button for a solid sixty seconds. If I clicked it, I could make the last flight out.

I paced around my childhood room as I drafted five different texts to Lexi, each explaining in various ways how I’d miss the rehearsal dinner and wedding.

They ranged from Hey! So I’ve got this flesh-eating bacteria thing happening so I can’t make it to Hey!

I’m in love with your brother but he’s moved on with his skank ex and my heart is in a trillion pieces all over the floor and I can’t find enough superglue, soooo sorry!

I could hop on the plane and go back to my apartment in the city.

Ivy would buy me a new fern. Again. I could put a picture or two up in my apartment.

Buy a pillow that was an actual color. Maybe I’d even let her put me on a dating app, as long as she filtered out guys named Robby.

And Austin. I could pretend Austin was just a fling.

Like he wasn’t the most amazing person I’d ever met.

I’m sure the feeling of drowning all the time would lighten up. Eventually.

I didn’t need to face Austin and have him hand my tattered heart back to me on a platter with the V word watching from the front row.

But fleeing was exhausting. Hiding was getting old. I was tired enough from the visit with Mom and running away took so much effort. I didn’t need Austin’s ghost haunting me for the next seven years.

I let my mind wander.

What would happen if I just chose to stay? Not forever, but just for the night.

What if I did the hard thing? What if I showed up at my friend’s rehearsal dinner like I said I would and didn’t run away?

What if I choose to be a good friend, and smiled and cheered for her as she married her best friend?

What if I didn’t run from the pain like I did seven years ago and just stood still and faced it head-on?

What if I stayed?

It was a terrifying thought.

But Austin and I were grown-ups. I could apologize for being an ass and walking away like I did. I could wish him well on his journey and hope he wouldn’t get cheated on. Again. Who was I to get in the way of true love?

Who was I kidding? That’s total bullshit. I wanted to go egg her car at the rehearsal. But I could swallow it instead and be the bigger person. I didn’t want the next seven years to pass and this still be something I wish I would have done differently.

I looked around my old room. The last time I was here I tucked that little picture of my dad and me into the corner of the desk mirror.

The heartache of losing him had changed.

It went from constantly gasping for air but never actually drowning, to tides of grief that would sneak up without warning.

But one day I remembered his smile without it sucking the air from my lungs.

My mom was just a dull ache that sat there, taking up every inch of me. But after seeing her at the rehab clinic, I started to see where maybe, just maybe, there could be room for something other than guilt and anger. Maybe we could make room for something else to grow.

This time, I wouldn’t let it take seven years for me to face what I needed to.

I would do this the right way. And that meant telling Austin how I really felt, regardless if he was doe-eyed for his ex-fiancée or not.

Screw it.

I closed out the tab and put on my heels. I’d do this for Lexi. I’d do this for me, even if my heart would be ripped out in the process.