Page 45 of As a Last Resort

SAMANTHA

When I was assigned to a new project at Goodrich, the first thing I did was walk around the city to see where my feet would take me.

I’d watch where people would go, what stores or parks they gravitated toward.

I’d let my mind wander. I’d start seeing things in my head played out like a movie.

Community gatherings, parades, parks with signs announcing festivals, balloons floating in the air and ice cream dripping down kids hands, blankets spread out across the ground with dogs catching Frisbees, weaving in and out of people. The details would bombard my brain.

That hadn’t happened here. Yet.

But I finally started to see it in my mind.

It was still fuzzy, but it wasn’t dictated by pool bar sales and occupancy rates.

I saw families on fishing charters, and generations taking a family reunion picture on the beach.

I saw small stores with hand-painted signs at local business fairs.

Sunday morning markets with fresh flowers and smoothies.

Kids riding resort bikes with seashell-filled baskets all over the property mid scavenger hunt.

Things were starting to click into place.

I just needed a bit more time to pull it all together.

I was on the couch and had just turned my phone back on when Austin walked in the door.

My phone began dinging back to back with notifications pouring in.

“Busy day?” he asked as my phone chimed again and again.

When I looked down at my phone, the room hollowed out.

IVY: where r u

IVY: answer ur phone

IVY: pick up ive called you 10 times

I didn’t want 2 send over txt but ur not answering

i dont want u to hear it from him first

Robby got the promotion its official

pls call me when u get this

“You okay?” he asked.

The room tilted.

“Yeah, it’s just stuff for tomorrow,” I lied as I got up from the couch and made my way to the front door. “I just need a sec.”

I held my breath as I dialed her number. I knew this was coming, but to actually hear it severed the thin string of hope I still had with a blowtorch.

“God, where have you been?” she yelled at me. “I’ve been trying to get ahold of you. I was trying to get you to come back today.”

I was in a fog, my insides still like Jell-O from her text.

“It’s a mess. Glenn fast-tracked his decision, got the board’s approval, and announced it at the staff meeting earlier, that you, for some reason, weren’t signed on for.”

I’d turned off my phone to brainstorm uninterrupted this morning, completely forgetting about the staff call. Once ideas started to finally come, I wanted to unplug and sink into them.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“Describe for me what okay looks like.” The image of me walking into Robby’s corner office ran through my mind. It was decorated with lighted beer signs and a neon slide in the corner.

“You need to come back and we can fight this.”

“Fight this?” I asked. “I’m not walking in with my tail between my legs for a promotion that he didn’t give me. That’s ridiculous.”

“Everyone here knows you should have gotten it. They’re all talking about it.”

“Good to know I’m the subject of the watercooler gossip.”

“Robby hasn’t even done anything but lie in a hospital bed lately. It doesn’t even make sense. Two analysts have already said they’re quitting if they get transferred to him.”

I looked out toward the water. I couldn’t actually see it from Austin’s front yard but I could feel it. I could hear the palm fronds rustling in the wind and the air smelled of salt.

The promotion was gone. The entire reason I agreed to come to Florida was to show I deserved this promotion. That I was the right choice for it. But being in Florida was now officially pointless. I was stuck here, gunning for ideas that were already dead in the water.

I couldn’t seem to get enough air in my chest. What came next? What happened when I hung up this phone? Since everything I was doing was pointless anyway, did I hop on a plane and go back home? Did I go inside and pretend like there was still a chance I wasn’t irrelevant?

Maybe I should still write down the ideas I had. They could serve as inspiration when I’d inevitably be job searching when I got back to the city. They were good but not clear yet. I just needed more time.

And I didn’t have it.

There were too many emotions running through my body after we got off the call. I looked down at my feet and noticed the gravel in his driveway. It was made up of tiny white shells, small ones about the size of my fingernail.

The screen opened behind me and Austin stepped out.

“It’s official. Robby got it.” I couldn’t even say the word promotion . It just felt dirty. And wrong. And so, so unfair.

“I’m so sorry.” He walked toward me and wrapped his arms around me from behind.

“I know you really wanted it.” I settled into the warmth of his chest, his shirt sporting a faded football team logo.

It was cotton, washed over a thousand times and smelled like detergent.

“But look at the bright side,” his words tickled my neck through my hair, “maybe now you can stay here instead.”

I quickly drew my head forward and turned around. I had no idea what I was looking for as my eyes searched his face, but confusion and anger bubbled up, mixed in with the other emotions fighting for attention in my chest.

“Staying here isn’t an option.” I knew we had avoided the subject of me leaving but staying on Rock Island was never on the table. Ever.

“But I thought you just said Robby got the promotion? I thought you said if he did, you weren’t going to stay there?”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do. But we have a huge presentation to give and I’m pitching one of the biggest projects I’ve ever had. I’m not just going to bail out of that.”

“Of course not.” He stepped toward me and held on to my arms. “That’s not what I meant. It’s just, I assumed Robby’s idea would be the one you would help pitch. I thought your idea wasn’t in the cards anymore.”

“I don’t know what’s in the cards!” My voice raised as I stepped back again. I had no idea if I’d be helping Robby and Glenn pitch their idea to the board. Or if I’d even have a job when I got back to the city. Or if I even wanted this job.

“Hey, hey.” He put his hands up and lowered his voice. “I’m sorry, I just figured it wasn’t that big of a deal now.”

“Of course it’s a big deal.” Frustration brewed like a tropical storm in my head.

“I just thought…”

“You thought what? That things would change because we slept together a few times? I won’t ever move back here, Austin. The island is a last resort for me. Actually, it’s beyond a last resort. It’s not even a possibility.”

The only sign from him that he was upset was the deep breath he took.

“You really thought I’d stay here and give up my entire life in the city?”

“From what it sounds like, it’s not much of a life you actually enjoy.” His steady voice buried underneath my skin.

“You don’t get to do that.” I turned from him and headed back into the house, royally pissed off. I needed to grab my stuff and get some space. It was all too much. Too much feeling. Too much expectation. Not enough air.

“Do what?”

“Judge my life. You’re the one sitting here running a business you don’t even want because you’re too scared to go after what you do want.” I let the screen door slam shut between us.

“Kind of irrelevant since it’s a company that’s apparently being forced out of business within a few months anyway.” The bottom fell out and I turned around.

He knew.

I was expecting his anger, ready to fight the wrath I deserved for holding this secret for so long, but he stood there with his arms at his side and a melancholy look on his face. He lowered his voice. “Thanks for the heads-up on that one, by the way.”

I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how much he knew or where he heard it from.

“I heard I get to captain quite the ship,” he continued. All I could do was look at the floor as he opened the screen door. “The thing I can’t figure out is why you didn’t tell me first.”

“Did Robby tell you?” I asked.

“That’s not the question you should be asking.

” His voice sounded so disappointed . I wish he would have been mad.

I wish he would’ve yelled something so I could’ve yelled something back.

I was mad at myself. I was mad at Robby.

I knew I couldn’t trust him. I should have seen this coming and somehow told Austin myself.

“And for the record,” he continued, “I’m not too scared to go after what I want. The timing isn’t right.”

“That’s always everyone’s excuse.” I was so tired of hearing that. Timing is never right. For anything.

“What’s your excuse? Why are you so scared to be happy?”

“That doesn’t even make sense.” I turned back down the hallway to his bedroom. My clothes were scattered around, piled up on his chair and at the foot of the bed. I shoved dirty socks and shirts into my bag until it was overflowing.

“So you’re just going to leave?” he asked.

“I have a plane to catch.”

“It’s not until tomorrow.”

He grabbed my hand and stilled me. “Why?”

“Why, what?” I spat, wrenching my wrist free.

“Why are you so scared to fall in love with me?”

I looked at him to see if he was serious. “That’s a ridiculous question.”

“You’re terrified of it. Why?”

“I’m not scared. Or terrified. I’m just not interested .” Pajama pants. Hairbrush. I couldn’t tell if I threw his clothes or mine in my bag.

“So, these last couple weeks, you’ve felt nothing? You’re just, fine?” He followed me around his house, room after room, collecting the things I had scattered the last few days.

“Yeah, I’m fine .”

“You’ve turned into a pretty good liar lately.”

That stung.

“I need to go back to the city. You know, where I work . And live . That was the plan, remember?” I walked to his couch and threw around the cushions looking for my keys that had mysteriously vanished.

“Plans can change.”