Page 36 of As a Last Resort

I turned my head and rested my cheek on her. Her hair smelled like the moment just after it stops raining, when everything is clean and fresh. It felt like this was just how we always were. There had never been anything before this version of Sam and me.

A tiny sound pulled my attention to the edge of the field.

“Hey,” I lowered my voice and nodded. “Look over there.”

She followed my gaze to the edge of the field where a boy and girl leaned against the fence necking and giggling.

“She’s wearing a cheerleading uniform,” she whispered. “And that is not a football uniform.”

I looked at the boy’s tight black pants. “Aren’t those what they call jeggings?”

“Head cheerleader makes out with class bad-boy nerd—black-rimmed glasses, brains, and jeggings to boot.”

“Isn’t that against some unspoken code or something?”

“Which is maybe why they’re meeting incognito against a dark fence after ten p.m.,” she whispered.

“They don’t know we’re up here.”

“What hoochies.”

“What if they’re going steady? Doesn’t that make them not hoochies?”

“Hmm. Good point,” she agreed. “They’re still clearly sneaking around though. It’ll never last.”

“Maybe it’s a budding love story about the star cheerleader falling in love with the class nerd. Who wears jeggings.”

“She’ll get made fun of if it’s public.”

“But he’ll take anything he can get.”

“She ignores him in the hallways during school.”

“Only to call him and talk for hours every night,” I countered.

“All her friends are dating football players because that’s the cool thing to do if you’re a cheerleader…”

“But she wants real conversation. A man—”

“Boy—”

“A boy , who can talk about his feelings. Makes her feel seen,” I continued.

“But she also wants a boy who can help her carry the groceries inside without getting winded.”

“So, he’ll join the gym,” I countered.

“Then on the first day of senior year, he’ll walk into school, all jacked up from pumping iron all summer.”

“He’ll have contacts and be wearing athletic shorts.”

“And blond streaks in his hair that only lemon juice, salt water, and too much time in the sun can make.”

I paused. “Something like that.”

“And he’ll walk into first period ready to claim his girl only to find out she’s been dating some other guy all summer and it was all for nothing.” She gave a big sigh. “Nothing lasts forever, everyone knows that.”

“You are such a buzzkill.” I leaned into her shoulder and laughed.

“Or a realist. Those stories never work out.”

“They could though.” I felt her eyes on my face, watching me track the waves splashing against the cement wall that boardered the field.

“How do you have such a positive outlook after all the crap you’ve been through with relationships?” she asked.

“I guess my parents still have the quintessential love story worth fighting for. Proof it could happen against the odds.”

“Against the odds?” she laughed. “He was the star football player and she was the head cheerleader. How does that at all apply to what we’re talking about?”

Yes, my dad was the star quarterback, but my mom was definitely not your typical head cheerleader. She was a total nerd. Head always in a book. Straight-A student who would rather do math than cheer at the games.

“Maybe being a cheerleader was a logical decision for her,” she suggested. “She would technically have a better view of him when he played if she joined the team.”

“ Logical has no place in love. Perfect example in front of us.”

She watched the two separate and link hands. “Do you think about it sometimes?” she asked. “What could have been?”

“You mean, what could have been if I took over?” She nodded. “No. There’s not a single bone in my body that wants to be on the field, yelling at eighteen-year-olds to push harder than they already are. But it’s still hard with my dad sometimes.”

The two kids started walking to the parking lot across the field, hand in hand, smiles plastered on their faces. When they got halfway across the field, the sprinklers turned on, and they ran.

“Stop it!” She laughed, hitting my arm.

“See, movie magic can happen when you least expect it.”

“Who did you pay to have that happen?”

“Well, if I was paying someone to make that happen they would have clearly missed their mark, wasting it on two lovestruck teenagers instead of us.”

She tilted her head toward me and smiled. My eyes dropped to her mouth.

“It’s not so bad, is it?” I asked, my voice hoarse.

“What?” she asked, barely a whisper.

I leaned into her shoulder and slowly tilted my head toward hers.

My nose grazed the side of hers, giving her plenty of time to pull away if she wanted to.

I didn’t want to pressure her after the day she had.

It had been complicated enough. Ever since our kiss at the bar, my insides have felt like lava around her.

I just wanted to stop imagining the moment our lips touched over and over again and crash into her with everything I had.

She leaned in slowly and paused right before her lips touched mine.

The heat of her breath seared my skin. I wouldn’t move.

It took every single ounce of self-control not to move a millimeter more toward her, but this had to be her choice.

I wanted her to kiss me because she wanted to, not because someone was watching.

Then, she did.

It was soft. And so tentative at first.

Everything around us melted away and felt so warm. So perfect.

She pulled back and kissed me again. A tiny moan came out of her mouth and she barely pulled on my lip with her teeth, and the warmth turned into a raging fire.

I gripped the back of her head and devoured her.

I couldn’t get enough. Her taste, her smell.

The way her hand pulled at my chest to get me closer.

My other hand came around the back of her neck and cradled her head as she exhaled into me.

A ding came from her phone.

She paused, but just for a second. She leaned back in toward me and two more dings came through.

She pulled back again, and gently caught her lip between her teeth.

“Don’t do that.” I was shocked at how out of breath I was.

“Do what?”

“That thing where you pull your lip with your teeth. You’re going to unravel me.”

“Definitely wouldn’t want to do that.” She slowly grazed her bottom lip with her teeth again.

I leaned back in and took over, my tongue exploring every place of her with a primal need to consume every piece of her. I couldn’t drink her in fast enough.

Another ding came through.

“Do you need to get that?” I whispered into her lips.

“No.” It ding ed again. “Oh my God, okay, hold on.” She reached into her back pocket. “It’s Robby. He’s here.”

“Does that matter?” Please say it doesn’t matter.

“He’s at the hotel. We were supposed to meet tonight when he got in. I kinda forgot when you showed up and kidnapped me to watch boys in spandex wrestle each other to the ground.”

“I can drive you back if you want.” Please say no.

She closed her eyes and tilted her head back. “I have to go.”

I fought against every bone in my body to stand up and held out my hand to her. I pulled her up so she stood less than an inch from my face. Her smile was perfect—part giddy, part mischievous. I wanted to kiss her again.

But instead I scooped her up and threw her over my shoulder.

“Wait! You can’t carry me down stairs like this!” she cried out.

“Don’t you worry, carrying in groceries is no problem for me.” I smiled as she held on to my neck for dear life.

I carried her all the way to the truck kicking and laughing. “Harpoon’s or no Harpoon’s?” I asked as I set her down by the passenger door.

Her phone dinged again. This guy was really starting to piss me off.

“He’s waiting for me. Do you mind dropping me off? I’ll take the rental back over once we’re finished.”

I handed her my extra house key.

“Are you going to go meet them?” she asked.

“Yeah, I’ll head there for a little.” I’d rather take you home.

I could see her wheels turning. She bit her lip, thinking. I looked down and thrust my hands into my pockets to keep from mauling her.

She bit her lip again. “I’ll text you on my way back over, but it’ll probably be pretty late.”

How am I going to keep my hands off you for the next two days? “Yeah, that works.”

“You sure?”

“Positive.” God, help me.

The bar was packed after the showcase and I was dying inside. I couldn’t get my mind off what she felt like. How she tasted. Something awoke in me at her touch I hadn’t felt in a long time.

This was a very distracting situation to be in.

“Where’s Sam?” Lexi asked.

“She had to meet that guy from work.”

“This late?”

“Apparently.”

Lexi was saying something about the quarterback as I was picturing Sam leaning over the dining room table with some other dude watching as her hair fell into her face.

“Did you hear me?”

“Huh?” I asked. “Sorry, wasn’t paying attention.” Also, didn’t care.

“Clearly. I said, the QB still has two years left. Rex is grooming him to lead them to the state championships.”

“Maybe even next year,” Rex piped in. “He’s got the raw talent. Just needs the situational experience. Kid’s got a good head on his shoulders.”

“Yeah, seems like it.” This was torture. “I’m going to run up to the bar. Can I get you guys anything?”

“I’ll come with.” Lexi, no doubt, spotting a chance to grill me sans Rex.

We squeezed our way into a spot at the bar and waited on Becky. “Okay, out with it.”

“Out with what?” I asked.

“You’re smiling.”

“That’s a bad thing?”

“But you’re grumpy smiling, which is an even more amazing talent. This isn’t an I’ve-had-a-not-crappy-day smile. This is an I’ve-got-a-grade-school-crush-and-am-losing-my-marbles smile.”

“I don’t know what a grade-school crush is.”

“Have you guys talked about it?” she asked.

“There’s nothing to talk about.” She made a little grunt noise. “Lexi, you’re making way too big of a deal of this. We’re just hanging out.”

“‘Hanging out’,” she repeated.

I was terrified she was going to see right through me. “Yes. No strings. Nothing crazy. She’s leaving in a week or two anyway.” My heart dropped at the thought.

“Okay. That’s cool. I guess it’s a good thing because it’s not like she’d move back. Ever.” Her eyes stayed glued on me, watching every micro expression I made. “I mean, even if you guys did hit it off really well, there’s more to it than that. She’s got her job, that whole thing with her mom—”

“I know she’s not moving back.”

She tilted her head, and softened her voice. “I just don’t want to see you hurt.”

“Lexi, please. I’m good. We’re just hanging.” And we kissed. Twice. And now my entire life has been turned upside down.

“Okay, okay. If you’re sure.”

“I’m sure.” Completely.

“Good, because she’s coming to dinner tomorrow night.”

Shit. “At Mom and Dad’s? Why?”

“I invited her. Before I knew you were in love with her.”

“You’re so dramatic.”

“You’re going to get your heart broken.”

There was something churning in my chest, but I wasn’t exactly sure what it was.

She’d met my parents a million times. Practically grew up at our house.

But the thought of her setting foot in my parents’ house again catapulted my stomach into my neck.

I knew how perfectly she’d fit in at the dinner table.

How she’d help my mom in the kitchen. Laugh at my dad’s cheesy jokes.

But Lexi was right. She’d never be permanent.

Her life was in New York and I couldn’t offer her a single thing here.

I was content with metal bleachers at high school football games and the simplicity of small-town life.

The pace fueled me just fine while it left her wanting more.

She needed the excitement of the city, the constant buzzing energy and electricity.

She’d never be happy here even if by some random chance she did stay. Which she wouldn’t. And the sooner I accepted that fact, the better.

I had already been down this path with Vanessa. She never saw herself staying here, but she did anyway. For me. And I could see the same scenario play out in my mind with Sam.

She’d fall into the rhythm of the island again and the shiny things she saw in a new light would eventually dull.

She’d say she was fine, but she wouldn’t be and she’d slowly start to blame me without even realizing it.

She’d come home one night and barely respond to me when I’d touch her.

She’d think I wouldn’t notice, but I would.

She’d start flipping her phone over when we were home.

Then she’d stop leaving it around altogether.

Then one day I’d come home when I wasn’t supposed to and find her there with someone else and it’d be my fault.

Because I was stifling her. Because I trusted too much.

Because I needed so little, but it was everything.

I needed to get out of the bar. Too many people. Not enough air.

Becky dropped three cold beers in front of us and nodded toward our table. “No Country Barbie doll tonight?”

Lexi raised her eyebrows at me.

“Not a word.” I turned back to the table, trying to shake off the familiar feeling of wanting to chase something that was already gone.

Later that night, I stared up at the ceiling in my room for hours until the front door opened and closed.

I eyed my doorknob. She hadn’t texted. It was better that way anyway.

I had shut the door when I climbed into bed earlier.

I didn’t need to fuel whatever this was.

A cracked door was an open invitation, right?

I didn’t need to voluntarily step into a shredding machine for my heart.

The second I felt her lips on mine again, I wouldn’t be able to stop and it would only make things worse.

But, hell if I didn’t stare at that doorknob with all my might, willing it to open on its own.