Page 55 of Anxious Hearts

Kelly suspected Finn was high. He’d been energetic, enthusiastic and optimistic all morning, and the hotel coffee wasn’t that good.

But there was nothing she could do about it, so she simply muted the voice of concern that whispered coldly in her ear. This was it. She had to get through her exam. Finn had to get through one more day. Then she could rescue him from this crippling addiction that had taken hold of his life.

One more day.

They took an Uber to the hospital and Finn insisted on walking Kelly in. She’d been going to refuse until she looked at the automatic glass doors and thought about everything that lay beyond them. She took Finn’s hand and they walked towards her destiny.

Finn stood quietly behind her as she checked in, showed her ID, filled out the requisite paperwork and was directed to a waiting room, where she would be called for her first case.

At 9:30 a.m. precisely, she would be given one hour to examine her patient.

Then she would have ten minutes to prepare her findings, before presenting to the examiners for twenty-five minutes.

Years and years of training. Thousands of hours of study.

And it all came down to twenty-five minutes.

After that, she would have an eight-minute break, be given two minutes to read the brief clinical background for her short case and then have fifteen minutes to review the patient in front of the examiners.

This pattern would repeat across the day and, by five p.m. precisely, she would have completed four short and two long cases.

One hour and fifty minutes in front of the examiners to prove she was good enough to be admitted to the Advanced Training program.

One hour and fifty minutes to determine the course of the rest of her life.

If it wasn’t already over.

It was 9:15 a.m. Kelly’s leg shook as she and Finn sat beside each other in silence in the waiting room. The plastic seat was uncomfortable and her lower back ached, but Kelly didn’t move. She feared that if she stood up, she’d walk straight out the door and never come back.

Finn took her hand and squeezed it tight. ‘You’re going to be all right, Kel.’

She turned to look at him. His huge, dilated pupils. His confident smile. They didn’t reassure her. ‘Can you wait just a little while?’ she asked.

‘What do you mean?’

‘After I first go in. Can you just wait here for a bit?’

‘To make sure you don’t try to escape?’

He’d read her mind. There was a real possibility that, before she even made it to the exam preparation room, she would turn and run away from it all.

‘Yes,’ she said quietly.

Finn smiled. ‘I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure you pass this exam, Kel.’

Whatever it takes.

That’s what he said.

That’s what she had said.

That’s how she had lived .

And look where she was now. She’d left a trail of destruction, deceit and despair in her wake. The person she cared most about in the world was a broken shell beside her. Eli, Michael, even the man in the supermarket, they had all suffered at the hands of her commitment to do whatever it takes.

The words stuck in her heart like a barb. And now Michael’s words from months earlier rang in her ears: The best doctors are the best humans first.

There was no objective measure of what made someone the best human, but Kelly knew she was nowhere near it.

She had sacrificed everything and everyone around her for her own goals, her own selfish pursuit of excellence.

What kind of specialist would that make her?

One who values winning every argument above actually caring for her patients?

One who was trying to fix sick children when she was so sick and broken herself?

Kelly closed her eyes and exhaled. ‘I’m not ready,’ she whispered.

And the instant the words left her lips, the pressure broke and crumbled around her. An unearthly peace settled on her soul and, for the first time she could ever remember, she felt calm.

Finn misinterpreted her words. ‘Don’t be ridiculous, Kel. There’s never been anyone more ready for this exam. You were born ready.’

She chuckled. ‘I think that’s part of the problem, Finn. I was born for the exams and I forgot how to live.’

Finn eyed her suspiciously. ‘What are you talking about?’

She took his hands. ‘I assaulted a man in a supermarket because I’m always one trigger away from a complete explosion.

I wore a disguise so I could break into a hospital.

I abandoned you in your darkest hour. I’ll do whatever it takes to be the best, no matter who it hurts, and that’s not going to stop when I’m an Advanced Trainee.

If anything, it’s only going to get worse. ’

Finn shook his head vigorously. ‘You can’t think like that. You’re going to go in and pass this exam and you’re going to be an amazing trainee.’

She squeezed his hands. ‘No, no, you don’t understand. I’m not worried about the exam. I know I’m going to pass.’

The confusion in Finn’s expression was almost comical: mouth agape, no words forming.

She placed her hand on Finn’s face and gently stroked the stubble on his shrunken cheeks; there was almost nothing between her flesh and his bones. ‘I need help, Finn. And you need help. We need each other.’

Finn took her hand from his face and clasped it between his own, intertwining their fingers. ‘What are you saying, Kel?’

‘I’m saying that we need to be better at this before we can move forward.’

‘Better at what?’

‘Being humans.’

They stared at each other and she saw everything in those wide, bright eyes. Eyes that comforted, tormented and promised so much.

Somebody cleared their throat and the spell was broken.

Kelly glanced up to see an officious-looking man with a clipboard standing at the entrance to the waiting room.

‘Dr Kelly O’Mara?’ he said.

Kelly stood up. The room spun, but she held her nerve. ‘That’s me,’ she said.

‘Follow me, please.’

Kelly took a deep breath, filled her lungs with steel and gave a silent nod. She looked at Finn and smiled. She had made her decision. She would pass the exam, then take a year off. She would do it for them both.

Finn smiled back. ‘Give ’em hell,’ he whispered.